OPENING CREDITS

CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT

A lighter clinks. Cut to close-up of Deadpool smoking. He winds up a music box and places it on his desk. He presses the button starting the music box. “All Out Of Love” by Air Supply begins playing. Deadpool walks through his apartment. He knocks some cups over. He turns all of the dials on the oven on and breathes in the gas. He takes a Toaster Strudel out of a mini-oven and throws it across the room. He smokes again, then pulls down his mask. Cut to a shot of a number of pictures on the wall of the apartment. Cut to Deadpool laying down on some barrels of gasoline and continuing to smoke. He flicks his cigarette up into the air. In comes back down and lands in one of the barrels, causing them to explode. He is consumed in the explosion, and his limbs fly everywhere, with one hand flipping off the camera as it goes.

DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine. First, he rides my coattails with the R rating. Then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. What a dick. Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one, too.

CUT TO: EXT. HONG KONG

Cut to a shot of a city. “X Gon' Give It to Ya” by DMX starts playing. The camera pans to Deadpool sitting on a rooftop as he narrates.

DEADPOOL: To understand why I took a cat-nap on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel, I need to take you back to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago. I'd gone international, taking out mass murderers, gangsters, unspeakable monsters. People nobody would touch. Except me. I'm gonna touch them all over.

Cut to inside the building. A man at a bar gets a phone call. He answers it.

DEADPOOL: Hey, it's Gail calling. Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes.

MAN: (In Cantonese) Whatever they’re paying you, I’ll double it.

DEADPOOL: I don't speak Cantonese, Mister…

Cut to Deadpool. He looks at a business card with some cantonese written on it.

DEADPOOL: Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that. But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so, (in Spanish) Where is the library? (In English) Which literally translates to, I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
Deadpool throws his phone away. He leaps off the building through the window of another building, kicking the man he was on the phone with. A number of men at a nearby table get up and point their guns at Deadpool. He begins counting them.

DEADPOOL: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro…

The men all shoot him. He jumps over the counter of the bar. He appears dead for a moment and the bartender begins to move. She jumps when he sits up, and he shushes her. He takes her cigarette from her and puts it out.

DEADPOOL: I'll take a cranberry-grapefruit vodka. I know it's called a Sea Breeze. Don't make me say it. Hit it, Dolly.

“9 to 5” by Dolly Parton begins playing. Deadpool jumps back over the counter and pulls out his sword. He takes the men by surprise, killing them one by one.

DEADPOOL: Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!

CUT TO: EXT. SICILY

Cut to a funeral. Deadpool sits up from the coffin and fires at the men in the audience.

DEADPOOL: Whoo! Do not go in there!

CUT TO: INT. TOKYO

Deadpool sword fights with some men in a sauna, killing many of them. Some blood sprays in his eyes.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out! Cut. Got bad guy blood, right in my open eye. Oh, that's so gross. Fuck.

He wipes his mask. He looks up to see he’s using the towel of a man standing next to him.
DEADPOOL: Scoutmaster Kevin?

CUT TO: INT: BILOXI

The camera pans in on a party. A stripper is revealed to be Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Too exotic?

Deadpool throws a business card on a table. All the nearby men get up and begin firing at Deadpool. He jumps down and begins killing them.

DEADPOOL: My world tour brought me home to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.

CUT TO: INT GARAGE

Deadpool fights a number of men in a garage. Sergei runs away from the fighting. Chaos ensues as Deadpool continues to narrate.

DEADPOOL: But we'll get to him in a moment. 'Cause I know what you're thinking. "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. Holy shit pickles! That guy's on fire. That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right? But this guy? He was one of the worst of 'em.

Sergei seals himself in a room. Deadpool looks up from the carnage. Sergei watches a security camera from inside as one of his men screams at him.

MAN: Hurry up and open this fucking door, and let's kill this motherfucker!

Deadpool shoots the man, splattering his blood on the camera. Deadpool walks over, pulls up a nearby box to step on and reach the camera, and wipes the blood off the camera.

DEADPOOL: Ugh. So gross. A panic room? Really? Can you come out?
An alarm on Deadpool’s watch beeps.

DEADPOOL: I really have to go. It's my anniversary.

A large group of men enters behind Deadpool. He turns to them.

CUT TO: EXT. ALLEYWAY

A man is heard talking on the radio. Cut to inside a taxi in the alley. Dopinder sits inside listening to the radio.

MAN: Over and over, I hear people say, "I just don't have enough confidence." Listen, confidence is not something you have. It's something you create. And you can create it at any moment in time. A sense of confidence is nothing but a sense of power within yourself. A sense of certainty that you can pull something off.

Deadpool runs to the taxi, followed by the large group of men, and leaps through the window.

DEADPOOL: Dopinder! Start the fucking car!

Dopinder screams and speeds away. The taxi exits the alley as the men stop chasing. Cut back into the taxi.

DEADPOOL: Whoo!

DOPINDER: Oh, I shit my pants.

DEADPOOL: Actually, that may have been me.

DOPINDER: Oh, mission accomplished?

DEADPOOL: Well, in a George W. Sort of way. Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever. Oh, you're living the dreams, DP.

DEADPOOL: It has been quite the run, Dopinder, and who'da thought? Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.

Deadpool looks to the camera.

DEADPOOL: Passion of the Christ, then me. At least domestically. We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion.

DOPINDER: I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy. Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. I want to fill my-

Deadpool begins climbing into the front seat.

DEADPOOL: Pockets? What's your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey? Can't maintain an erection without buying shoes online? I've never experienced that last one. Talk to me, Goose.

DOPINDER: I was going to say "soul.” I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir.

DEADPOOL: Dopinder...

DOPINDER: Hmm?

DEADPOOL: You never cease to surprise me. You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home. A place in this world.

DOPINDER: I want to become a contract killer.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry. What did you say?

DOPINDER: Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?

DEADPOOL: You kind of killed him.

DOPINDER: And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?

DEADPOOL: Don't want to.

DOPINDER: When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said, "I want some more." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.

DEADPOOL: I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible. We're here.

Dopinder slams the brakes. Deadpool gets out of the cab.

DOPINDER: You're my Tom Cruise!

DEADPOOL: And you're my Kristen Dunst! Kristen? Kirsten?

CUT TO: INT. WADE’S APARTMENT

Wade enters his apartment. Vanessa is sitting, waiting for him.

WADE: Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of handicapable children stuck in a tree, and I had to, uh...

VANESSA: Uh-uh.

WADE: You're right. I was fighting a caped badass. But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.

VANESSA: No.

WADE: Traffic? Hmm?

Vanessa breaks into a smile.

VANESSA: Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

WADE: Well, come here.

Vanessa walks over and jumps into Wade’s arms. They begin making out.

WADE: I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit.

VANESSA: Don't you want your surprise?

WADE: Do I look like a patient burn victim? I got one for you, too.

They toss each other presents.

WADE: Happy anniversary, baby. Open, open, open.

Vanessa opens the gift. It’s a Skee-Ball token.

WADE: Skee-Ball token.

VANESSA: Our first date.

WADE: Yup. That's genuine, high-grade lead.

She kisses it.

VANESSA: I'll keep it forever. Thank you, baby.

They kiss.

VANESSA: Open yours.

WADE: All right, all right.

He opens his present. It’s an IUD.

WADE: Oh… That's just the most beautiful thing that I've… I don't know what this is.

VANESSA: My IUD.

WADE: A bomb?

VANESSA: No, dick for brains. My birth control device.

WADE: What, you mean that your...

VANESSA: Baby factory's open for business.

WADE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I want a boy! Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other! Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name. Like Cher or Todd.

VANESSA: You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy.

WADE: Yes, I do. Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss.

VANESSA: Let's do that.

He whisks her off screen. Cut to a shot of their TV. They’re watching Yentl. Cut to Wade and Vanessa cuddling on their couch.

WADE: Does this song sound familiar to you?

VANESSA: May. Connor, if it's a boy. May, if it's a girl.

WADE: So weird. Family was always an F-word to me. My pile of shit father took off and bailed. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.

She gets up and looks at him.

VANESSA: Hey. Look at me. You are not your father. Besides, I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.

WADE: But here's the thing, isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father, and then have consensual sex with their sister?

VANESSA: I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

WADE: No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.

VANESSA: Baby, that's Empire. The point is, kids, they give us a chance to be better than we are. Better than we used to be.

WADE: You're a lot smarter than I look. I'm gonna go make dessert. You get the strap-on. Let's make a super baby.

He gets up from the couch.

VANESSA: Pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but we can try.

In the kitchen, Wade prepares some Toaster Strudels. Vanessa remains on the couch listing off baby names.

VANESSA: What about Krystal? But with a "K"? It's too stripper-y. Kevin with a "K"! No, too stripper-y, too.

Everything slows down. Wade turns towards the door.

VANESSA: Uh, Earl! He's gonna go straight to jail if we name him Earl. What about Bruce? No.

WADE: Get down.

VANESSA: What?

A shot is fired through the door. Wade picks up a frying pan. Some men enter. Vanessa jumps behind the couch. Wade quickly dispatches a series of men with objects from the kitchen as they try to shoot him.

WADE: Baby? Baby?

Vanessa gets up from behind the couch.

VANESSA: I'm okay.

WADE: Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader.

Vanessa looks behind Wade in shock. Things return to slow motion. He turns, throwing the cream cheese spreader. Cut to Sergei in the doorway. Wade misses, and the cream cheese spreader gets lodged in the doorframe. Sergei fires a shot and hits Vanessa. Wade runs over to her. She begins to fall. Wade catches her before she hits the floor. Wade inaudibly mouths, “Please,” repeatedly, then, “Baby, I’m so sorry,” and finally, “No!” The microwave oven timer dings. Wade looks up. He jumps out of his window and lands near Sergei on a car in an alley. Wade begins to pursue Sergei. Sergei crosses a street and Wade is hit by a car. Sergei gets in his car and peels off but swerves and crashes into oncoming traffic. Wade gets up from the street and begins running over. He headbutts Sergei’s car window, throwing Sergei out the other side. Wade walks over, lifts Sergei up, and stares at him for a few moments. He then hugs Sergei, and after a few moments, pulls him into traffic, getting both of them crushed by a passing ambulance. The screen fades to black.

OPENING CREDITS

CUT TO: INT. BAR

Wade sits at Weasel’s bar. He holds the skee ball token in his hand.

WADE: Papa, can you hear me? Is it just me, or does “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” from Frozen sound suspiciously like “Papa, Can You Hear Me?” From Yentl? Papa, can you hear me? And nobody fucking realizes it.

WEASEL: Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? You smell like somebody shit in a Civil War wound after it had become gangrenous. They should've just amputated it. Why shit in it? Doesn't make any sense.

Dopinder passes by holding a mop.

DOPINDER: I love Frozen.

WADE: I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water.

WEASEL: An ocean is water.

WADE: More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know? George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! He's dead, too. At least we still have Bowie.

Weasel looks at Dopinder and shakes his head.

WEASEL: Yeah. We still have Bowie.

Dopinder winks.

WEASEL: I'm sorry. Shot after shot, it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're, are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? You're making the face that you make when you urinate.

Cut to a shot of below the bar. Wade is urinating heavily onto the floor.

WEASEL: Is he pissing?

DOPINDER: I'm on it!

Dopinder begins mopping beneath Wade.

WEASEL: There you go, Dopinder. If you want to be a contract killer, you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun.

DOPINDER: Although I don't quite understand how they are at all similar.

WEASEL: Well, they both have handles. Now, leave me.

Dopinder walks away.

WEASEL: Go home, Wade. I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a-

Wade falls off of his stool. Buck catches him.

WADE: Fuck! Okay, I'm fine. I'm fine.

BUCK: You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional. According to the...

WADE: Kubler-Ross.

BUCK: Yeah. According to the Kubler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief.

WADE: Jesus Christ, Buck! No more speaking lines for you.

Wade walks away.

CUT TO: AL’S APARTMENT

Cut to Al walking in her kitchen with a teapot. She laughs while listening to the radio. Wade enters silently. He moves her couch and carpet out of the way and pulls out a floorboard, revealing a hidden stash of drugs and weapons. Al walks over from the kitchen. Wade quickly returns everything to the way it was. As Al sits down on her couch, Wade talks along with one of the lines from the radio show.

WADE: "I'm thinking it over!"

Al whips out a gun.

AL: Motherfuck! Fuck! The hell you doin' here? Don't you know how to knock?

WADE: I thought you saw me… with your ears.

AL: You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the-

WADE: The wall? The refrigerator? I'm in so much pain.

He falls over on the floor.

AL: I heard the news, sweetie. I'm very sorry. I am.

WADE: What am I gonna do, Al?

AL: Probably something terrible. Knowing you.

WADE: It was my fault. I fucking did this. And all I wanna do is grab her and see her and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't. She's gone.

AL: Sweetheart, can you speak up? It's a little hard to hear you with that pity dick in your mouth. Now, look, sugar. You need to just keep living.

WADE: Thank you, Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure.

AL: Listen to the pain. It's both history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live till we've died a little, can we? Wade? Wade?

Wade has gotten back up and put on his mask with a bag of cocaine over his mouth.

WADE: I'm right here, Althea. And that is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. You're absolutely right.

He slams his hand into his face, bursting open the bag of cocaine. He coughs and inhales some.

WADE: I'm about to do something terrible.

CUT TO: WADE’S APARTMENT

Deadpool sits on the barrels of oil in his apartment. “All Out Of Love” by Air Supply plays on the music box.

DEADPOOL: There. All caught up. You can't really live until you've died a little. Let's test that theory, shall we?

The same scene from before the credits plays out again, sped up. He flicks his cigarette up into the air. In comes back down and lands in one of the barrels, causing them to explode. He is consumed in the explosion, and his limbs fly everywhere, with one hand flipping off the camera as it goes. The screen cuts to black. We see flashes of Wade falling through a mysterious space, with visions of himself and Vanessa in the background. Wade swims downwards as quotes from conversations between him and Vanessa from this and the previous movie play. Cut to Wade in a hazy version of his apartment. Vanessa sits nearby. He tries to walk towards her, but is stopped by an invisible wall.

WADE: Ness? Ness? Ness. Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you.

VANESSA: Your heart's not in the right place.

WADE: Wait, hold on. What?

VANESSA: Your heart's not in the right place.

WADE: Wait. What do you mean my heart's not in the right place? What does it...

Behind him, the microwave oven begins rapidly ticking. He turns to look at it, then back to Vanessa. The timer dings. He is pulled from the room and out through the water. The screen cuts to black. Cut to Colossus entering the burned down remains of the apartment. He sees some of Wade’s limbs scattered around.

CUT TO: EXT. X-MANSION

Cut to Colossus walking.

COLOSSUS: I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. You're broken.

Colossus is shown to be walking towards the X-Mansion, dragging a body bag behind him.

WADE: Oh, God. I know that voice.

CUT TO: INT. X-MANSION

Wade lays on a couch. Colossus walks past.

WADE: Heart's in the right place. Heart's in the right… What does that mean?

COLOSSUS: You've been sleep for three days. I took the liberty of dressing you.

Colossus sits down nearby.

WADE: No shit. Why can't I fucking die?

COLOSSUS: Take your mask off, Wade. We must talk.

Wade takes off his mask.

COLOSSUS: You need fresh start. With training, you can be X-Man.

WADE: You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. I'm not X-Man material.

Cut to a full shot of the room. Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio stand near the entrance.

NEGASONIC: Understatement of the year. Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade.

Yukio raises her hand to wave. Negasonic and Yukio’s hands are interlocked.

WADE: What in the fuck knuckles is this?

NEGASONIC: She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.

WADE: Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends. I'm just surprised anyone would date you. Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.

Wade winks. Yukio smiles.

YUKIO: I like this guy.

NEGASONIC: Give him a chance. It's great seeing you like this.

WADE: Yeah.

YUKIO: Bye, Wade!

Negasonic leaves, followed by Yukio. Colossus begins reading from the X-Men manual.

COLOSSUS: Now, some ground rules while under our roof. Rule number one. No killing anyone ever, no matter how bad. Rule two. Label everything in refriger- Wade?

Cut to the couch. Wade is gone.

COLOSSUS: Wade? Wade!

Cut to Wade. He’s riding Professor X’s wheelchair through the mansion.

WADE: Don't try to chase me. I'm not ready to be touched again. All these elderly white men on the walls, should have brought my rape whistle.

Wade passes by a statue and hits the podium it’s on, knocking it over.

WADE: Hi. Those were already damaged after they fell there!

Cut to Wade riding into the main foyer.

WADE: What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that exactly?

Colossus enters behind him.

WADE: 'Cause where the fuck is everyone?

Wade begins spinning around in the wheelchair.

WADE: It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever...

COLOSSUS: Enough!

Colossus grabs Wade, stopping the chair. Wade gasps.

WADE: I said no touching!

Colossus throws him from the wheelchair. He gets up nearby.

WADE: What the fuck? You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do anyway, huh?

While Wade continues talking, we see a number of X-Men in the room next to him, with the door open. Beast closes the door.

WADE: Carry him three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? No, no, no! I am not X-Man material at all. First off, I'm not even a virgin. Second and more-

Colossus picks Wade up and throws him against a nearby wall, holding him above the ground.

COLOSSUS: I should have left you in the self-pitying mess I found you in. But this is what friends do. They show up! Not when convenient or easy. When hard, and you always make it hard. You are unwell. I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here!

WADE: Wait. One of the assholes who killed Vanessa got away.

Colossus lets Wade go.

WADE: Oh, Jesus Christ!

COLOSSUS: Wade, whoever they are, we track them down and bring them to justice.

WADE: It was me. I'm the asshole who got away. I killed every last one of them, except me. Couldn't kill me. We were gonna start a family. We were, uh… We were gonna be a family.

COLOSSUS: Wade, Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. This may not be family you want, but it's family you need. You have a good heart. It belongs here where it can grow.

WADE: What did you say? About my heart?

Wade hugs Colossus.

WADE: I think I'm in the right place.

Wade grabs Colossus’s butt. Colossus tries to move his hand, but relents.

CUT TO: INT. CABLE’S HOUSE

Cut to a close up of Cable’s face. His eye opens. The camera pulls back. He stands in the ruins of his house. In front of him lay the charred corpses of his wife and daughter, along with his daughter’s burnt teddy bear. He leans down to inspect them. He picks up the teddy bear. Cut to him preparing to time travel. He searches through different times before choosing one. As he begins to transport, he screams.

CUT TO: INT. X-MANSION

Establishing shot of the X-Mansion. Cut to inside. Colossus enters the room with a jersey.

COLOSSUS: Wade. Wade!

Cut to Wade. He’s hooked up to Cerebro.

WADE: Hey, I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here, looking deep into the future. Phew. This thing...

COLOSSUS & WADE: That's not how Cerebro works.

WADE: Yes. Yes, it is.

COLOSSUS & WADE: We have mission.

WADE: We do. You do. You guys be safe out there.

COLOSSUS: No, I want you to join.

WADE: No, you want me to join. I'm sorry, what?

COLOSSUS: You are ready.

WADE: That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly. You wanna know how I know? I'll give you a hint. It's on my head and smells like Patrick Stewart.

COLOSSUS: Be at the X-Jet in five.

He throws the jersey on a nearby chair and leaves. Wade accidentally breaks the Cerebro helmet and gets up.

CUT TO: EXT. ORPHANAGE

We see footage of the orphanage from newsreel shot from a helicopter. Russell stands outside surrounded by Police.

IRENE: Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. Live here at a breaking news situation at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation.

Cut to a shot of Irene.

IRENE: A mutant boy is appearing to have some sort of an incident, with police here behind me.

RUSSELL: Get away from me!

IRENE: There are two police vehicles that are overturned.

Daniel tries to approach Russell.

IRENE: There are open fires.

RUSSEL: Fuck off! Stay back!

Daniel backs away.

IRENE: A scene of absolute chaos here.

RUSSELL: I'll burn you! You stay back! Get away from me! You wanna fucking die?

Cut to the X-Jet arriving. It lands near the scene.

IRENE: And it appears as if the X-Men are arriving-

Cut to a shot of Negasonic, Colossus, and Deadpool walking towards the scene.

DEADPOOL: Scatter!

Deadpool shoves some police out of the way as he jogs forwards.

DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down! The pros are here. I… We're the X-Men! A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. So, respect.

He holds up his fist to a nearby black officer. The officer tentatively raises his hand.

DEADPOOL: At ease, Officer.

Colossus spins Deadpool around.

COLOSSUS: What are you doing?

DEADPOOL: My job! You're the one who said I was ready, and I frankly disagreed with you. But here we are, trying to overcome our differences. Like Beyonce says, "Please… Please, stop cheating on me."

OFFICER: Hey! This is the fifth incident. This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here.

DANIEL: Russell belongs in our care. Not in prison. I assure you, we have everything under control.

RUSSELL: I'll burn you!

Deadpool looks at the situation.

DEADPOOL: Not getting a real "under control" vibe here, Marty. It is Glen, isn't it?

DANIEL: Daniel.

DEADPOOL: I'll ask the questions. Let me talk to the kid. You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips.

RUSSELL: You wanna die?

DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable. I don't know why I packed the hollow points.

RUSSELL: I'll burn your balls off!

DEADPOOL: First day. I'm so nervous!

NEGASONIC: Did you just say "hollow points"?

DEADPOOL: Yeah, probably should've brought a Super Soaker.

Deadpool pokes his finger in Negasonic’s ear. She swats him away. He laughs, then approaches Russell.

DEADPOOL: Hi, there!

RUSSELL: Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!

Russell points at Negasonic.

DEADPOOL: Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.

Russell prepares to attack.

DEADPOOL: Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! Okay, let's not do whatever that is. Okay? Let's just talk! It's Russell, right?

RUSSELL: Firefist.

DEADPOOL: Firefist. Ooh, that's a great name. Where does it burn? Just the fist, or all the way up to the elbow?

Russell shoots a fireball at Deadpool. Deadpool dodges and it hits Negasonic, sending her flying into a nearby truck.

DEADPOOL: Definitely all the way up to the elbow.

COLOSSUS: Come quietly, or there will be trouble.

RUSSELL: You stole that from Robocop!

DEADPOOL: That's from Robocop! Just stand down, you're embarrassing me. Look, Fire… Oh, my God! I can't say it! I'm so sorry!

Russell sends another fireball at Deadpool, who dodges again. This time Colossus is hit. He’s sent flying back into a news van.

DEADPOOL: Oh, shit. That fucking does it.

Deadpool pulls out some guns and points them at Russell.

DEADPOOL: Put your hands behind your knees and get down on your head! Now!

COLOSSUS: Wade! What was first rule?

DEADPOOL: Label everything in the refrigerator!

COLOSSUS: Do not escalate!

DEADPOOL: Rules are meant to be broken!

COLOSSUS: That's the exact opposite of what they're meant for!

DEADPOOL: Fuck! Fine.

He puts the guns down.

DEADPOOL: I'll start from the beginning. My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man.

NEGASONIC: Trainee!

DEADPOOL: Shut it!

Deadpool slowly approaches Russell.

DEADPOOL: Look, I get it. All right, you're scared. Alone. You got no family. I didn't have a family, either. You live in this dump. Guess what? I used to live in a shithole just like it.

Russell turns to see the headmaster descending down the steps of the building.

DEADPOOL: But you know something? To make matters worse… it's a confusing time in your life right now. Your body is going through some fiery changes. Too far? I went too far, didn't I?

Russell punches Deadpool into a nearby building. Inside, a young boy is eating cereal. Deadpool gets up.

DEADPOOL: That was effervescent.

Deadpool picks up the boy’s cereal box and signs it.

DEADPOOL: Stay in school, kid. Or don't. I didn't. And I'm an X-Man.

Deadpool throws the box to the side.

KID: Trainee.

DEADPOOL: Fuck it!

He tears off his trainee jersey.

DEADPOOL: Superhero landing coming up!

He jumps out the window. Cut to the box of cereal, which he’s signed as Ryan Reynolds. He lands outside.

DEADPOOL: Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck! That is so not practical.

Russell throws another fireball at him. Deadpool gets up. He takes out one of his swords and throws it at Russell. The sword hits him in the forehead handle first, knocking him over. Deadpool jumps over a car. The crowd cheers.

DEADPOOL: I could get used to this X-Man shit.

NEGASONIC: Trainee!

DEADPOOL: Trainee!

OFFICER: Get a power restraint on him. Now!

DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt. It's over. We got ya.

An officer puts a collar on Russell.

DEADPOOL: What's that do?

OFFICER: Power-dampening collar. Shuts down all mutant abilities. You can't get it off. Unless you've got a grenade.

DEADPOOL: Huh. Could've used one of those in the first act.

Cut to the headmaster, Daniel, and another orderly standing nearby.

HEADMASTER: Thank you. That was absolutely thrilling. True heroism in action. We are in your debt. We can take it from here.

RUSSELL: Take me to the Ice Box, please. Anywhere's better than here.

DEADPOOL: Believe me, son, you do not wanna go to the Ice Box.

HEADMASTER: Let's get you inside, young man.

The three men approach.

DEADPOOL: No, wait, wait. Wait. You just… You guys stay there.

Deadpool lifts up the collar on Russell and sees marks.

DEADPOOL: Those guys hurt you? Who? Baldilocks? Jared Kushner? Both of 'em?

Russell nods.

DEADPOOL: Oh, fuck it. Four or five moments!

DANIEL: I'm sorry?

Deadpool stands up.

DEADPOOL: Four or five moments! That's all it takes to be a hero.

He gestures to Negasonic and Colossus. Negasonic flips him off.

DEADPOOL: People think you wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero.

Colossus holds his hands up to his nose and says something in Russian.

DEADPOOL: But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments

The headmaster checks his watch.

DEADPOOL: A few moments, doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.

Deadpool pulls out a gun. He shoots Daniel in the forehead and tries to shoot the headmaster.

COLOSSUS: No!

Negasonic looks shocked. Colossus tackles Deadpool.

COLOSSUS: Wade, what did you do?

Colossus raises his fist to hit Deadpool.

NEGASONIC: Colossus, no!

DEADPOOL: That kid was abused! You can tell. You can always tell!

COLOSSUS: We have rules! You are not judge, jury, or executioner!

DEADPOOL: Fuck your rules! I fight for what's right! And sometimes you gotta fight dirty!

COLOSSUS: You let me down for the last time, Wade.

Colossus gets up. Russell watches as Deadpool is surrounded by officers and has a collar placed on him. The camera zooms out.

CUT TO: EXT. ICE BOX

The camera pans over some rocks to reveal an armored truck entering a mountain. Cut to Wade and Russell entering the Ice Box side by side in prison uniforms. Some guards escort them. Other prisoners applaud as they pass by.

WOMAN: Hey, baby!

WADE: I wonder what gang I'll be in. Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?

Wade waves at a prisoner with “MUTANT” tattooed on his forehead. One of the guards pushes Wade.

GUARD: Go!

Nearby, Black Tom, Sluggo, and another mutant watch Wade and Russell.

GUARD: Hard left, douchebag.

Wade and Russell walk towards their cell.

WADE: Please, after you.

He gestures Russell past him.

WADE: Another disgusting mutant off the streets. God bless America. Let's get a taco.

Wade turns to leave. The guard tases him, and he falls to the floor of the cell.

GUARD: Nighty-night, you annoying prick.

The guard leaves and closes the door. Russell watches Wade on the ground in pain. As the camera pans away from their cell, Russell looks around the prison. The lights go off.

CUT TO: EXT. FIELDS

The screen cuts to black.

REDNECK 2: I'mma tell you what the big lie is. Toilet paper.

Cut to two rednecks sitting in the back of a truck near some fields.

REDNECK 2: Toilet paper is a plenty fine appetizer. But, then... Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. That's your main course.

Cable appears nearby and begins approaching the truck.

REDNECK 2: They're soft, they're moist. They're for babies. Finally, one more pass with the toilet paper, maybe clear out that excess moisture. Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go, if you can get you a hair dryer. Just about 30 seconds will do you good.

Cable throws his gun in the back of the truck. Both rednecks get up and look at him.

REDNECK 2: The fuck?

CABLE: Year?

REDNECK 1: What?

CABLE: What year is it?

REDNECK 1: What kind of dumb-ass question is that to a-

Cable tases both rednecks. He takes their beer. “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes plays as Cable takes their truck and drives away.

CUT TO: INT. ICE BOX

Wade vomits in the toilet in the cell.

RUSSELL: You're a long way from your superpowers.

WADE: Yeah. Fuck.

RUSSELL: I wanted to be a superhero. Always wanted a real super suit.

WADE: What happened?

RUSSELL: When was the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? Never. The industry discriminates.

WADE: Fuck superheroes.

RUSSELL: Fuck everyone. The first thing I wanna do when I get out of here, burn the headmaster alive, and then take a selfie with his smoldering corpse.

WADE: Who says prison isn't reformative?

RUSSELL: Fucker hates mutants.

Cut to a flashback of the headmaster hugging Russell. He whispers in Russell’s ear.

HEADMASTER: Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.

Cut to another flashback. The headmaster and some orderlies stand on stage in front of a crowd of orphans.

HEADMASTER: Your abilities. I know how seductive they are.

Daniel straps Russell to a chair. The headmaster stands in front of him.

HEADMASTER: Now, please don't cry.

The headmaster tortures Russell. Russell screams. Cut back to the Ice Box.

RUSSELL: Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here, and we'll make him our bi-

The whole facility shakes.

RUSSELL: What was that?

WADE: That is the biggest guy in here. Fun fact about the Ice Box, though no one's ever seen it, they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to a huge, steaming bowl of foreshadowing. Look. I can't protect you. With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits.

RUSSELL: I'll start by making us a shank.

Russell walks to the bathroom.

WADE: Good listening.

RUSSEL: I stole that guard's pen, and stashed it in the old prison wallet, if you know what I'm saying.

Russell begins retrieving the pen.

WADE: Prison wallet? I really hope I don't know what you're saying. I can hear you rummaging around in there.

CUT TO: EXT. CITY

The camera pans up from an alley to a building. Cut to inside a building. Cable watches the news.

REPORTER: And to update you on the story reported earlier, after a lengthy standoff outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation, two mutants were arrested and transported to the Ice Box.

Cable looks at a table of guns. He scans them.

SCAN VOICE: Entering repair mode.

Cable begins assembling a gun. Nearby, he’s placed the burnt teddy bear on a table.

CUT TO: INT. ICE BOX

Wade sits at a table eating.

P.A. SYSTEM: Cells seven and nine now off-limits for medical personnel. Cells seven and nine now off-limits for medical personnel.

Russell sits at the other end of the table. He gets Wade’s attention and winks at him.

WADE: Don't do that. What? Why are you winking at me?

Russell scoots across to Wade.

RUSSELL: I got your back.

WADE: Oh, my God.

RUSSELL: You're sick, I gotta protect you.

WADE: Just leave me alone, kid.

Whistling is heard off screen. Russell and Wade look up.

WADE: Oh, great.

Black Tom, Sluggo, and another mutant walk over to the table.

TOM: Well, hello there, new fish. It's nice to see some fresh faces around here.

WADE: I've done some light catalog work, but, really, modeling is just a stepping stone to acting.

TOM: I was talking to him.

WADE: Oh. Have we met? I can't place your mustache.

TOM: Black Tom Cassidy.

WADE: White Wade Wilson. What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation?

TOM: You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here. You don't look like much to me.

Russell pulls out the pen behind his back.

RUSSELL: First rule of the yard, fuckface.

Russell points his pen at Sluggo.

RUSSELL: Find the biggest guy and make him your-

Sluggo punches Russell in the face, sending the pen flying onto Wade’s food tray.

WADE: Second biggest guy.

Wade picks the pen off of his tray.

WADE: The last thing I need is more hepatitis. Oh, it's slippery, too. This table needs a wipe down! Can we get a wipe down on the table?

Tom takes the pen and stabs Wade’s hand.

TOM: Kid, I think you picked the wrong side.

RUSSELL: No, I didn't! He's my friend!

WADE: Zip it. We're not friends.

Russell turns back to Sluggo.

RUSSELL: You're about to get dick-slapped.

Sluggo punches Russell again, knocking him out. Tom slaps Wade with his food tray, sending him to the ground. Tom gets up on the table. Nearby inmates cheer as Sluggo and another mutant kick Wade. Cut to Russell and Wade in their cell.

RUSSELL: I had so much fun! You were like, “Uh!” And I was like, "Take a seat, shit dick."

WADE: Just let me die in peace.

RUSSELL: We make a great team!

WADE: Oh, my God, we're not a team.

RUSSELL: Why'd you say that back there? We're friends, partners.

WADE: We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. It ends with me dying of cancer, and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. You, you wanna survive? Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here, and make friends with them. Make friends with someone. Anyone but me. Maybe even Black Tim. Black Evan, I don't know. All I remember is he was African-American.

Wade holds the skee ball token in his hand. Cut to two guards walking down a tunnel. Behind them, a wall explodes. Cable enters through the hole in the wall. Cut back to the cell. An alarm starts blaring. Russell notices some guards walk away from the maximum security cell. Cut to the prison control room. Cable enters and throws a grenade in, sending guards flying. Some cell doors begin opening.

P.A. SYSTEM: System malfunctioning. Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.

Some of the mutants escape. Guards chase them down.

GUARD: Back in your cells, you filthy mutants! Get in there!

Cut to Cable. He scans some wires.

SCAN VOICE: Searching. Cell 04 located.

Cable’s scan locates Wade and Russell’s cell. Cut to the cell. Wade attempts to get out.

WADE: Door won't open!

Outside the cell, Cable approaches some guards.

GUARD: On your fucking knees!

Cable quickly dispatches the guards. More cell doors open, including Wade and Russell’s. The run out. Cable shoots at the cell and it explodes. Wade and Russell are on some stairs nearby.

WADE: That was our cell.

Wade and Russell begin escaping.

WADE: What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker with a Winter Soldier arm?

Cable sees the pair on a walkway above him and begins firing.

WADE: Get away from me, kid!

Wade fights through other prisoners to clear a path while Cable dispatches more guards to catch up.

WADE: Listen to me! Go!

Cable jumps up in front of them.

CABLE: Hello, Russell.

Cable aims his gun at Russell. Wade smacks it out of the way and begins wrestling it from Cable. Cable gets the upper hand. As he goes to kill Wade, Russell stabs Cable with the pen. Wade kicks Cable down. Russell runs down some stairs. Cable gets up and begins pursuing him. A guard corners Russell. Wade’s collar appears to be malfunctioning. As Cable throws the guard away, Wade jumps down and pushes Cable to the ground level. Wade hits a table, cracking his collar off. Cable lays nearby, incapacitated. Russell watches the two. As Cable gets up, Russell begins running again. Cable fires at him some more. He changes the dial on his gun, causing it to fire a bigger shot, and sending Russell to the ground level. Cut back to Wade, who gets up.

WADE: Hello, superpowers.

Cut to Cable running towards Russell. As he gets close, Wade hits him with a metal pole. They begin fighting.

CABLE: Who are you?

WADE: I'm Batman.

Wade picks up Cable’s gun and increases the dial. Cable shields himself.

WADE: Ooh!

Wade fires. It sends them both flying.

WADE: Oh. That's got some zip.

Wade gets up and walks over to Cable, who’s been thrown into another room.

WADE: Don't feel bad. Even I can't kill me. Talk! What kind of spineless shit stick tries to kill a 14-year-old boy? You might wanna start talking! 'Cause I got a long history of firing at times like this!

CABLE: The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away.

WADE: Oh! So, you're from the future. I have three questions then. One, is dubstep still a thing? Two, which Sharknado are we on? And three, at what point do audiences say, "Enough with the robotic arms?”

Cable pulls his gun back out of Wade’s arms and fires at the ceiling, knocking down a large metal structure. Wade tackles Cable and tries to take the gun from him. It fires, sending them both back into the metal structure and blowing a hole in the wall. They get up and continue fighting, with Cable gaining the upper hand.

CABLE: Dubstep's for pussies.

WADE: You're so dark! Are you sure you're not from the DC universe? I love dubstep!

Dubstep plays as Deadpool grabs Cable. They both tumble out the hole in the wall. The fight for a moment. Cable gets the upper hand and the dubstep stops. The skee ball token falls nearby. Cable goes to pick it up.

WADE: Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in 1990-never.

Cable holds up the skee ball token.

CABLE: Something to remember you by.

WADE: Give me that back! That goes with me everywhere. Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack!

Cable punches Wade to the ground again. Russell watches from nearby.

CABLE: Why are you protecting the kid?

WADE: I don't give a fuck about him, and his, “Are you my mother?” complex.

Wade looks over to see Russell run away. He pulls a pin from one of Cable’s grenades.

WADE: What's this one do?

Cable looks at the grenade and puts his shield up. There’s a massive explosion which sends both of them flying out of the Ice Box and down the side of a mountain. Cut back and forth between Russell walking through the prison and Wade and Cable tumbling. Wade narrates.

WADE: In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In Human Centipede, it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it.

Some guards approach Russell.

GUARD: On your fucking knees, mutant.

The guard tases Russell.

WADE: Rock, meet bottom.

Cable grabs onto a rock and stops his tumble. Wade falls over the cliff into a frozen lake. Wade tumbles through visions of Vanessa and hears clips from previous conversations with her. Cut to him in the hazy version of their apartment.

WADE: Ness? Hey, Ness! Ness, can you let me in? Please! Please. Jesus.

He sits against the invisible wall separating them.

WADE: You're not giving me a lot of direction here. I'm at the end of my rope. Then I joined the X-Men. I went to prison. I, uh… Is it the kid?

VANESSA: Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be.

WADE: The kid!

The timer in the apartment dings. Wade is pulled out of the apartment and back into the real world. He breaks the ice over the lake and pulls himself out.

CUT TO: INT. BAR

Wade talks to Weasel in the bar. Dopinder stands nearby.

WADE: That's exactly what she meant. Your heart needs to be in the right place. I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone, ever. I need to be selfless.

WEASEL: Yeah, but what does that mean?

WADE: It means I'm gonna save Russell. Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand.

WEASEL: Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless." I literally don't know what that means.

WADE: Jesus Christ.

WEASEL: Okay, look. According to my guy, okay, those muties are being transferred to a supermax, 80 miles away.

WADE: Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way.

WEASEL: Hold your testicles there, buddy, okay? We're talking about an armored convoy, and a vicious super soldier from the future that is looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray.

WADE: You know what we need to do? We need to build a fucking team. We need 'em tough, morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10 to 12 years.

DOPINDER: My body is an instrument of death.

WADE: Not now, Dopinder.

DOPINDER: I could be of great use.

WADE: What's your superpower?

DOPINDER: Courage.

WADE: That's adorable.

WEASEL: Do you have the courage to check and see if there are enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser?

DOPINDER: Yes, sir.

Dopinder walks away.

WEASEL: I'm sorry you had to see that, although I'm glad you heard it. All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. But we're not paying medical or dental. It's time to get back on Linkedln.

CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT

Cable inspects himself in a mirror. He has a flashback. A record plays. His daughter laughs and holds her teddy bear. A hooded figure enters the apartment. Back in the present, Cable drinks a can of beer.

CUT TO: INT. ICE BOX

Russell sits at a table. He looks over at the maximum security area. Some of the glass in the door has been broken.

P.A. SYSTEM: Transport will begin at 0800 hours.

TOM: Oi.

Russell turns. Black Tom is confronting another prisoner.

MUTANT: What the fuck do you want?

TOM: That's my fucking pudding.

MUTANT: Fuck your pudding!

TOM: You like pudding?

The two begin fighting. A crowd gathers. With the guards distracted, Russell takes his food tray into the maximum security area. He approaches the cell at the end of the hallway.

RUSSELL: Hello? I know you're in there.

Russell sets his food tray down and slides in under the door. He leans down and watches it. Someone inside the cell grabs it. Russell sits down.

RUSSELL: Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. Lonely at the top, eh? They're moving us tomorrow. Maybe I can get you out of here. And we can make the whole world our bitch. We need a secret code.

Russell makes a bird call.

RUSSELL: No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.

Russell knocks on the cell door. The prisoner inside knocks back in return.

RUSSELL: We're a team. We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube.

CUT TO: INT BAR

Deadpool and Weasel look over some headshots of potential team members in a back room. “Nobody Speak” by DJ Shadow begins playing.

WEASEL: Supposedly, she can rap, too.

DEADPOOL: I like that. Terrific, these are all terrific.

WEASEL: Meet Bedlam.

Bedlam stands before the table.

DEADPOOL: Cool name! Superpowers?

BEDLAM: I can distort electrical fields. Including the one inside your brain. Causing anxiety, confusion, pain.

DEADPOOL: So, basically, you're Dave Matthews. We can use him.

Deadpool puts Bedlam’s picture on a wall. Cut to Zeitgeist standing before the table.

ZEITGEIST: I'm Zeitgeist.

DEADPOOL: Cool. I like it. So you have the power to put your finger on the pulse of society?

ZEITGEIST: No. No, I spit acidic vomit.

DEADPOOL: Oh.

ZEITGEIST: Do you want me to demonstrate?

DEADPOOL: No.

WEASEL: We'll take your word for it.

DEADPOOL: Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?

Deadpool puts Zeitgeist’s picture on a wall. Cut back to the table.

WEASEL: And this is the Vanisher.

The room appears empty.

DEADPOOL: But… Vanisher! Nice!

WEASEL: Right?

DEADPOOL: He's not here, is he?

WEASEL: He may be running late.

Deadpool puts a ‘picture’ of the Vanisher on the wall. Cut to Shatterstar standing in front of the table.

SHATTERSTAR: My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar.

DEADPOOL & WEASEL: That's good, yeah.

DEADPOOL: "Rusty" is-

WEASEL: Toughie.

DEADPOOL: Terrible. So, uh, where are you from?

SHATTERSTAR: The planet Mojo World.

DEADPOOL: So you're an alien, I guess. How does that, uh, help us?

SHATTERSTAR: I'm basically better than you at everything.

DEADPOOL: Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people that are worse than me at everything. A whole bunch of functional idiots. I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be their Superman.

WEASEL: Isn't that Canada?

DEADPOOL: You shut your goddamn trash mouth!

Deadpool puts a picture of Shatterstar on the wall. Cut to Domino standing in front of the table.

WEASEL: Meet-

DOMINO: Domino.

DEADPOOL: What's your shtick?

DOMINO: I'm lucky.

DEADPOOL: If you're so lucky, then what are you doing here with us?

DOMINO: I don't know yet.

DEADPOOL: What's that supposed to mean?

DOMINO: It means that I don't know yet. But there's a reason why I'm here, and I'll know when I know. Everything usually works out for me.

DEADPOOL: Luck isn't a superpower.

DOMINO: Yes, it is.

DEADPOOL: No, it isn't.

DOMINO: Yes, it is.

DEADPOOL: No, ma'am.

DOMINO: Mmm-hmm.

DEADPOOL: Mario No-pez.

DOMINO: Yeah.

DEADPOOL: Nacho cheese.

DOMINO: No, it definitely is. I really-

DEADPOOL: There's no way that it-

DOMINO: Sorry, I was interrupting you.

DEADPOOL: Sorry. No, I interrupted you.

DOMINO: No, no, no. You can go first.

DEADPOOL: Oh, I was just gonna say, "No, it isn't."

DOMINO: I was gonna just bring it back to that yes, it is.

DEADPOOL: Let's meet in the middle and say, "No, it isn't."

DOMINO: But it is.

DEADPOOL: Okay. You're hired!

WEASEL: You're hired.

DOMINO: Oh, lucky me.

DEADPOOL: She's great.

Deadpool places a picture of Domino on the wall. Cut back to the table.

WEASEL: And last, but not least...

PETER: Peter.

Deadpool looks at his notes and holds up a headshot of Peter.

DEADPOOL: Am I getting catfished here or...? Any powers you wanna tell us about?

Dopinder enters through the back carrying some boxes.

PETER: No. I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad and thought it looked fun.

DEADPOOL: You're in.

WEASEL: Yeah.

Dopinder throws down the boxes he was carrying.

DOPINDER: Fuck!

Deadpool puts a picture of Peter on the wall. Cut to Weasel exiting the bar.

WEASEL: It's fulfilling work.

Cable stands hidden nearby.

CUT TO: INT. CONVOY

A guard pushes Russell along.

GUARD: Let's go!

The guard pushes Russell into a cell on the convoy. He looks at some of the other mutants as he passes. Black Tom hits his cell door. Cut to shots of the convoy exiting the Ice Box.

GUARD: This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box. We are en route.

CUT TO: APARTMENT

Weasel is duct taped to a chair.

CABLE: Peacetime makes people soft. I was born into war. Bred into it.

WEASEL: Okay.

CABLE: People think they understand pain. What's the most pain you've ever felt?

WEASEL: These restraints are pretty...

CABLE: I've got a list. We're gonna work down it. Together. Number one, I'm gonna bend something. Something that was not meant to bend.

WEASEL: I'm gonna stop you right there because I'm not gonna make it to two. I won't even make it to one. I don't do well with pain, you know. If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day. I cried when they canceled Felicity. When I get really scared, I get nervous . I have one right now. Don't look. It'll only make it worse. I don't want you to hurt me, and I'll tell you anything you wanna know. Except for where they are.

Cable gives Weasel a look.

WEASEL: Russell's in a convoy heading southbound on Gerry Duggan Parkway. The monster's with them. I wouldn't fuck with him.

CUT TO: INT. BAR

Deadpool explains the plan to the group in the back room of the bar. He’s drawn the plan in crayon. Weasel continues to narrate over the meeting.

DEADPOOL: You all know the plan. Intercept the convoy, grab the boy. But not inappropriately!

WEASEL: You know what, I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. Because he's built a team. He's unstoppable.

DEADPOOL: He has an ass pen. He'll stab you with it. Watch out for this guy, Cable! He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics. And if we succeed, we all go home early.

WEASEL: So if you go after them, Cable, I warn you. There's a wind advisory in effect.

CUT TO: INT. CONVOY

We see a shot of the convoy. The camera pans over to the city. Cut to Russell standing in the convoy.

CUT TO: INT. HELICOPTER

Cut to a shot of the helicopter.

PILOT: A little turbulent up here.

The group gets ready in the helicopter. Peter puts on sunscreen.

PETER: I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has.

PILOT: We're getting close!

DEADPOOL: As a former X-Man-

BEDLAM: Trainee.

DEADPOOL: Thank you, Bedlam. I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name. X-Men! Men! The point is, our group will be forward thinking. Gender neutral. From now on, we'll be known as… X-Force.

DOMINO: Isn't that a little derivative?

DEADPOOL: I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter!

PETER: That wasn't me.

Cut to a shot of the convoy, then back to the helicopter.

DEADPOOL: Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet. Intercept the convoy, and grab the boy.

ZEITGEIST: Let's bring on the carnage, baby!

BEDLAM: Get me on the ground, watch me go!

ZEITGEIST: Yeah! I can't wait to kill!

Zeitgeist and Bedlam high five. The group cheers.

DEADPOOL: Hey! Hey! Hey! I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. You know, you guys look amazing! Vanisher, I have no doubt you look amazing too. This is the family that I've always dreamed of having and I… Ah, shit. I just get a little choked up sometimes.

PETER: I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds?

DEADPOOL: Gary.

PETER: My name's Peter.

DEADPOOL: I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power.

DOMINO: Did he just call himself God?

BEDLAM: I think he did.

PETER: I'd like to go home.

DEADPOOL: And I'd like… the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true. I spent 10 years in Special Forces. You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze? You're in this shit now, Mustache!

Deadpool whispers and strokes Peter’s face.

DEADPOOL: I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. Leonard, hit it!

Deadpool flashes a thumbs up to the pilots. “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC begins playing. The back of the helicopter opens up.

DEADPOOL: Go! Go! Go!

The team goes out of the helicopter past Deadpool.

BEDLAM: Let's get some!

ZEITGEIST: Whoo!

SHATTERSTAR: Oh, yeah!

DEADPOOL: Convoy, 12 o'clock! On my command! Deploy! Oh, hey now!

PETER: Whoa!

They all deploy their parachutes and are thrown off by the wind.

DEADPOOL: Little off course here.

His parachute gets caught on a billboard and he hangs from it.

DEADPOOL: Holy mommy fucking shit!

He looks up to see all of X-Force being thrown around by the wind.

DEADPOOL: Ah, there they are. Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches. Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam!

Bedlam struggles with his parachute and crashes through the window of a bus.

DEADPOOL: No! Tripping motherfucking billies!

He looks up to see Shatterstar.

DEADPOOL: Shatterstar. Okay, you got this.

Shatterstar approaches a helicopter, his hair flapping around and obscuring his view.

DEADPOOL: Left! Left! No, stage left, you idiot!

Shatterstar gets caught in the blades of the helicopter, his body getting splattered all over the windows.

DEADPOOL: Well, I guess we found something you're not better at.

Deadpool releases his parachute, landing on the railed walkway below the billboard. He watches Vanisher.

DEADPOOL: Vanisher. Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see.

Vanisher crashes into some power lines, becoming briefly visible.

DEADPOOL: Really? All right, we could do this with four.

Deadpool watches Peter land.

DEADPOOL: Sugarbear. You got this, buddy! That's the stuff! That's the X-Force spirit!

Peter makes a safe landing nearby.

DEADPOOL: Never underestimate a man with a mustache! Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.

PETER: Haha! We did it!

DEADPOOL: You're a goddamn superhero, you!

PETER: X-Force!

DEADPOOL: X-Force.

They both watch Zeitgeist parachute into a woodchipper.

DEADPOOL: Oh!

Peter runs to Zeitgeist, almost getting hit by a car. Zeitgeist’s is caught in the woodchipper.

DEADPOOL: Peter.

PETER: I got you, buddy!

ZEITGEIST: This is not good, man!

PETER: You're gonna be fine!

DEADPOOL: You got this, big guy! Here we go, Peter!

PETER: Look at me. We're X-Force, right?

ZEITGEIST: Yeah, we're X-Force.

PETER: We're X-Force.

Zeitgeist vomits all over Peter, dissolving his body.

DEADPOOL: Oh, my God! What the fuck? Fucking acidic vomit!

Zeitgeist screams as he’s pulled into the woodchipper.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask.

Cut to a shot of the convo. Domino is still in the air, following it.

DOMINO: Okay, I'm over the convoy. Where did the rest of the team land?

Deadpool stands near Bedlam as some paramedics try to revive him. He begins walking.

DEADPOOL: Good news and bad news. Bad news is the whole team is dead. The good news is, I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. He was a bit of a prick. Oh, but Paul!

DOMINO: Peter!

DEADPOOL: Peter, I'm gonna miss him most. But there is a slight chance Vanisher could make it.

Vanisher’s flaming body falls from the power lines.

DEADPOOL: Nope, no chance. He's dead.

DOMINO: The whole team?

DEADPOOL: Only the main ones. We're still good.

DOMINO: Fuck, you are dumb.

Deadpool steals a woman’s scooter and rides away.

DEADPOOL: Even after all this time, I still can't talk about it. Who knew these winds would be so strong?

DOMINO: Everyone. Everyone on the helicopter. And everyone not on the helicopter.

CUT TO: EXT. CONVOY

The convoy continues down the streets of the city. Cable watches from a nearby building. Cut back to Domino pursuing the convoy.

DOMINO: They're headed into the tunnel.

DEADPOOL: I'm that kid's only hope, so sit tight and wait for my word.

DOMINO: Whatever. We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in.

DEADPOOL: Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. Luck is not a superpower. We are so fucked!

Domino lands in traffic and begins walking. Cars swerve past her.

DOMINO: No, we most certainly are not fucked.

One car swerves and hits a lamp post. The lamp post falls over.

DEADPOOL: Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes?

The fallen lamp post causes a car to swerve into a nearby gas station.

DEADPOOL: It's just it's hard to picture. And certainly not very cinematic.

The explosion in the gas station causes a car to flip over Domino’s head. The car provides a ramp for Domino to leap over a ledge and land through a roof of one of the convoy’s trucks.

DEADPOOL: I mean, luck?

The driver pulls a gun on Domino, but it has no bullets.

DEADPOOL: What coked out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut?

Domino fights the driver.

DEADPOOL: Probably a guy who can't draw feet!

Cut to Cable jumping off a building and landing on a sidewalk. Cut back inside the truck, Domino dispatches the driver and takes control of the truck.

DEADPOOL: Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act. Wander the Earth-

DOMINO: I'm in.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry, what did you say?

DOMINO: I'm in.

DEADPOOL: How in the fuck are you in already?

DOMINO: Oh, shit.

Cable approaches the truck from the front.

DOMINO: It's Cable. 12 o'clock.

DEADPOOL: Okay. New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers to stop Cable from killing that kid.

Deadpool turns a corner and comes up on the convoy.

DEADPOOL: I'm coming up on your six.

A broken window on the truck causes Cable to me blinded by a reflection of light and miss. The shot heads under the truck, breaking the brake fluid line and hitting the truck behind the one Domino is driving. Deadpool rides past the exploding truck.

DEADPOOL: That gun is amazing!

Cable jumps from one car onto the roof of the convoy.

DOMINO: Where is he? I can't see him.

DEADPOOL: He's on top of you.

Cable rips the door off of the back of the truck.

DEADPOOL: He's going in through the back!

Cable enters the back of the truck.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God, he's inside!

DOMINO: You hear yourself, right?

DEADPOOL: Accidental double entendres!

CABLE: Russell! Russell Collins!

DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid, John Connor!

Deadpool fires at Cable. Russell looks nervous. Cable begins dislodging cells from the convoy.

MUTANT: No, no, no!

DOMINO: Shit!

Domino fires backwards. One of the bullets ricochets and dislodges a gas canister. Cable prepares a grenade. Domino shoots the gas canister and it flies off, hitting Cable. He is thrown backwards and drops the grenade, which explodes. The back half of the convoy is ripped away. Cable leaps from the wreckage back onto the truck.

DEADPOOL: Two can play that game!

Deadpool crashes his scooter into a taxi, sending him flying towards the convoy, which he narrowly misses.

DEADPOOL: Got it! No, I don't. Showtime, mama!

DOMINO: Lady Luck, take the wheel.

Domino gets up from the driver’s seat. The truck careens right. Domino walks through the truck, firing at Cable, and passes Russell. She runs out of bullets and picks up another gun. She and Cable begin fighting in close quarters. Russell pulls out his pen. Cut to Deadpool. He gets up from the road and is hit by a car. He takes out the windshield. The guard inside shoots Deadpool through the hand. Deadpool puts the gun through the bullet hole and turns it back on the guard, shooting him in the face. He then stabs his sword through the car, pinning the guard’s foot to the pedal. Looking backwards through his legs, he steers the car. Cut back inside the truck, Cable gets the upper hand.

CABLE: I'd ask who you are, but you'll be dead in a second.

DOMINO: I'm Domino, and doubtful.

Domino escapes his grasp and they begin fighting again. Russell begins using his pen to attempt to break out.

DEADPOOL: Hang in there, Doms! Oh, this is really hard.

Deadpool approaches the truck. As Cable goes to shoot Domino, Deadpool flies inside, coming to her rescue.

DEADPOOL: And give me back my Skee-Ball token.

He shoots at Cable and then kicks him backwards.

DOMINO: You're doing great.

DEADPOOL: X-Force.

They both get up. Domino returns to the driver’s seat. Deadpool turns to Cable.

CABLE: I guess dubstep never dies.

“Bangarang” by Skrillex begins playing as the two fight.

DOMINO: Whoo!

Black Tom watches the fight from his cell and laughs. Cable accidentally shoots him in the face. The music stops.

DEADPOOL: You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch!

Cable knocks Deadpool over. Cut to Domino, who attempts to press the brake..

DOMINO: That's unfortunate. We got no brakes!

Cut back to Cable and Deadpool fighting.

DEADPOOL: Figure it out!

CABLE: There's nothing I can't kill.

DEADPOOL: Ooh. Somebody knows karate.

Deadpool pulls out his swords. Cable pulls out a gun.

DEADPOOL: Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy.

Cable fires. Deadpool cuts the bullet in half. Cable fires a dozen more times, some of which hit Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Ow. Here we go.

Deadpool charges Cable. Russell continues attempting to break out.

DEADPOOL: Domino, mind slowing us down?

DOMINO: Here goes nothing.

She steers the truck through a building. Cable and Deadpool keep fighting hand-to-hand. The truck comes out the other side of the building and goes across a street through another. Russell manages to get his cell door open. Cable and Deadpool continue fighting. Russell finds the maximum security prisoner.

PRISONER: Knock, knock.

The truck slows down as it reaches a bridge. Russell releases the maximum security prisoner.

PRISONER: That's my boy.

Cable and Deadpool continue fighting. Russell runs towards them. They turn to see the prisoner exit his cell.

DEADPOOL: Holy...

The prisoner punches the ground and sens the entire truck flying and the bridge crumbling. “Only Time” by Enya begins playing as the truck falls through the bridge in slow motion.

DEADPOOL: I'll be first to admit, this did not go according to plan. I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon.

Still in slow motion, Cable picks up Deadpool’s dropped gun and fires at Russell. The prisoner pulls Russell out of the way.

DEADPOOL: Looks like Russell found a new friend. Jelly.

Domino falls out of the truck and onto a large inflatable panda.

DEADPOOL: Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass, and maybe, possibly mildly lucky. But Cable? Ugh. That guy's in a mood. A mood that is about to get significantly worse.

As Deadpool falls, his crotch rubs against Cable’s face. Things return to real time. The truck crashes to the ground. Domino gets up, unscathed. Deadpool gets up, his head having been twisted backwards.

DEADPOOL: Something is so terribly, terribly wrong. Oh.

He snaps his head back into place.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God, that hurt.

Deadpool falls off the truck.

DEADPOOL: Russell. Russell! Russ, where are ya?

Nearby, a fist punches through the debris. Russell climbs out.

DEADPOOL: Russell. Russell, you're okay! Oh, thank G-

Behind Russell, the prisoner gets up, revealed to be Juggernaut.

DEADPOOL: Oh, my God! Juggernaut! I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants. You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan.

Domino arrives, assesses the scene, and leaves.

DEADPOOL: Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411. X-Men Unlimited 12.

Juggernaut charges Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: You know, it has always been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent. I don't mean right now.

Juggernaut lifts Deadpool into the air.

JUGGERNAUT: I'm gonna rip you in half now.

DEADPOOL: That is such a Juggernaut thing to say.

Juggernaut rips Deadpool in half and throws him to the ground. Deadpool screams.

DEADPOOL: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't feel my legs. I can't feel… Oh, no, they're right here.

He reaches for his legs.

DEADPOOL: Got 'em. God, Russell.

RUSSELL: I have a mission. To get my revenge. I'm going to burn that headmaster alive.

DEADPOOL: You're not the revenge type. Take it from a friend.

RUSSELL: Friend? You were sick, and I protected you. You said it yourself. "I'm not your friend. Find someone stronger." So I did.

Russell and Juggernaut begin to leave.

DEADPOOL: Russell, I couldn't protect you back then. But I can now. What do you want me to say, huh? "I care about you"? 'Cause goddamn it, I care about you, Russell. What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs!

Russell mimics legs with his fingers and then flips Deadpool off.

RUSSELL: Legs!

DEADPOOL: Still hurts to hear out loud!

Russell mimes pulling himself away with a rope.

DEADPOOL: What is that? That's not a real rope! You get back here, young man!

Domino approaches Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Doms! Doms, get me out of here, please. Use my arms as backpack straps.

Cut to Domino carrying Deadpool on her back.

DEADPOOL: I think we may have found your cosmic reason for being here.

DOMINO: I'm pretty sure this isn't it.

DEADPOOL: X-Force.

Nearby, Cable struggles to get up.

AL: No child is hopeless.

CUT TO: INT. AL’S HOUSE

Wade and Al sit on her couch.

AL: Don't give up on the boy.

WADE: Yeah, but how could he just walk away? It was the coldness in his eyes. You should've heard it. I guess family really is an F-word. Rub my legs, Mama.

AL: Why would I rub your legs?

WADE: Please, they hurt. I have growing pains.

Al reaches over for Wade’s legs.

AL: What in the… Why is your hand so tiny again?

WADE: That's not my hand.

AL: Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph!

DEADPOOL: That was nice for me.

Weasel enters.

WEASEL: Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy and…

Weasel gasps and gags upon seeing Wade.

WEASEL: Why wouldn't you cover that up?

Cut to a full shot of the couch. Wade’s legs are child-sized and his crotch is exposed.

WADE: A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.

WEASEL: Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you. You're just straight shirt-cocking it, toddler-style.

WADE: Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.

AL: The hell's happening? Describe it.

WADE: I wouldn't ask him to do that, if I were you.

WEASEL: It's like, um...

WADE: Here we go.

WEASEL: It's like he was giving birth anally, but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out, and they said, "You know what, I'm done."

WADE: Happy?

WEASEL: It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down. But this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock the size of a twig.

Dopinder enters.

DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can no longer be double-parked. I've had three tickets already-

Dopinder sees Wade.

DOPINDER: No, no, no, DP, not again!

WEASEL: This has happened before?

Dopinder gags.

WEASEL: Jesus! Either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.

AL: Why couldn't God take my hearing?

Domino enters.

DOMINO: Oh. Wow!

WADE: Cool your pits. They're growing back.

DOMINO: I'm talking about your face. I've never seen you without your mask before. Jesus Christ!

WEASEL: Looks like an avocado.

DOMINO: Your legs, though, they're cute. You wanna borrow a pair of pants?

She throws a glove over his crotch.

WADE: I'm glad everybody dropped by. You must be wondering why I didn't call you here.

Weasel pulls out a gun.

WEASEL: I'll tell you why I'm here. "The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband beat me within an inch of my life. He was torturing me! But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. So, I'm here to help us gear up. So we can go after him without me.

WADE: No! I'm doing this alone. The Juggernaut will kill you all.

Weasel holsters his gun.

WEASEL: Fair enough.

WADE: I just need a couple of hours to get some legs under me.

DOPINDER: What will you do?

WADE: I don't care what the kid did to me. I ain't letting Cable get to him, even if I have to teabag him to death.

DOMINO: It's really just a sip of tea at this point.

WADE: Zip it, black Black Widow! I'm flowing. The first order of business is to get me in front of Cable so I can pull all the fucking blood out of his body and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. Then, I'm gonna take his skin and stretch it out over a homemade mating drum. He's standing right behind you, isn't he?

Al, Wade, Domino, and Weasel all pull out guns. The four of them and Dopinder turn to see Cable has entered. He holds his hands up. Wade corrects Al’s aim.

WADE: What in the ass? Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr? You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy.

Wade uncrosses his legs.

CABLE: Is that really necessary?

Wade crosses his legs again.

WEASEL: No. It's his "Basic Instinct."

WADE: What can we help you with?

CABLE: I'm here to proposition you.

WADE: Oh, boy! He's really teeing it up, isn't he?

WEASEL: Who gets to make the first joke?

DOMINO: I think we should all do it at the same time.

They all put their guns away.

WEASEL: Good call.

WADE: For $45, you get sucky-suck.

WEASEL & DOMINO: I only do over the pants, mouth stuff.

WEASEL: Fuck!

DOPINDER: The Proposition has a wonderful Guy Pearce performance.

WADE: Wait, wait, wait! I wanna do mine over. Give us the line again.

CABLE: I need your help! And trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are. But you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt. I can't bring him down alone. So here we are.

WADE: Well, we're no longer accepting applications for X-Force, unfortunately. Even if we were, there's a wind advisory in effect until at least-

CABLE: We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill.

WADE: No offense, but if you know so much, why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? Or better yet, head back a little further, kill baby Hitler.

CABLE: I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home.

WADE: Well. That's just lazy writing.

CABLE: Your boy's gonna kill the headmaster of the orphanage tonight. After that, he gets a real taste for it.

DOPINDER: Like 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!

Cable begins approaching Wade.

CABLE: So he keeps killing, and killing, and killing, and killing. Until one day, he kills the wrong fucking people. My people.

Cable pulls out his fanny pack. Everyone redraws their guns.

CABLE: Relax. I'm retrieving something from my utility bag.

WEASEL: It's a goddamn fanny pack, and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! The difference is night and day.

Cable takes out some lip balm and begins applying it to his lips.

CABLE: You remind me of my wife.

WADE: I'm sorry?

CABLE: I said, "You remind me of my wife."

WADE: No, I'm sorry that you said that while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.

CABLE: She always struggled. But she was funny, and filtered her pain through the prism of humor. Something I could never master. It was my fault she died. It was my job to stop people like him.

A flashback begins as Cable continues to talk. Cut to a record player in his apartment.

CABLE: I came close a few times.

There’s an explosion in Cable’s apartment. Cable’s wife and daughter begin to run. An older Russell enters.

CABLE: He wasn't too happy about that. He was trying to hurt me, and he knew exactly how to do it.

The older russel incinerates the apartment, killing Cable’s family.

RUSSELL: Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.

Cut to Cable discovering the bodies and the burnt teddy bear.

CABLE: He came into my home and took the only thing that made it a home. Sound familiar?

WADE: I'm sorry.

Cable grunts.

WADE: No, I'm really sorry. But that isn't Russell. It doesn't have to be him.

CABLE: If you knew what I knew-

WADE: Yeah, he's got anger issues. Maybe a small learning disability, splash of diabetes, but nothing that can't be fixed. Nothing that-

CABLE: If you could go back and stop the people that took your girl, would you?

WADE: Of course I fucking would! But I wouldn't kill a kid.

CABLE: I'm not asking you to kill a kid! I'll kill the kid. I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage. And I can imagine your dead girlfriend would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? So, what's it gonna be, handsome?

WADE: Give me a chance to save him.

CABLE: What?

WADE: You said once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. If we can get to him before that happens, promise you'll give me a chance to put him on a different path.

CABLE: Define "chance."

WADE: I don't know. How long does it take to save someone's soul? That's not-

CABLE: I'll give you 30 seconds.

WADE: That- What? No!

CABLE: Best I can do. Take it or leave it.

Wade carefully gets off the couch.

WEASEL: He's doing it! Look at the little fella. He's doing it.

Dopinder gags.

WEASEL: There he goes.

CABLE: Jesus Christ.

WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it.

CABLE: Ugh.

Wade slowly makes his way over to Cable.

WEASEL: There you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it. My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy.

DOMINO: Christ. That's disturbing.

Wade holds his hand out to Cable.
WADE: 30 seconds.

Cable shakes his hand.

CABLE: Deal.

WADE: Deal.

AL: I have no idea what's happening.

DOPINDER: Probably for the best.

CUT TO: INT. TAXI

Establishing shot of the taxi going down a road.

DEADPOOL: And that is why you never eat a raw starfish.

Cut to inside the taxi. Dopinder is driving Deadpool, Domino, and Cable.

DEADPOOL: It's just common sense.

CABLE: Where the hell are we going?

DEADPOOL: You said it yourself. Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. We need backup.

DOPINDER: I will bathe in the blood of your enemies.

For a moment no one says anything.

CABLE: Can you turn off the music?

Dopinder reaches for the button. Deadpool stops him.

DEADPOOL: You'll do no such thing. Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent?

CABLE: What the hell are you-

DEADPOOL: Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head. I am so sorry. It gets better.

Deadpool strokes Dopinder’s face.

CABLE: I'm not a fucking racist, moron!

DEADPOOL: Tell that to Black Tom. He was like a brother to me.

Deadpool does the sign of the cross.

DOMINO: I'm with the old white guy on this one. And that's a twist.

DEADPOOL: So what exactly do you do in the future, anyway, huh? Some kind of soldier?

CABLE: Yeah, something like that.

DEADPOOL: I was a soldier. Special Forces. I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies.

CABLE: 50 years from now, you're very dead. Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma.

DEADPOOL: Boom! Spoiler alert. Haha. Planets.

DOMINO: Next time, Uber.

CABLE: Here's a spoiler alert. You're not a fucking hero. You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.

DEADPOOL: Well, I got news for you. My heart is in the right place. Russell's not gonna kill anyone. Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like.

CABLE: Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like.

DEADPOOL: I'm a grower, not a shower.

DOMINO: I should've finished college.

DEADPOOL: Right here!

Dopinder slams the brakes. They stop outside the X-Mansion.

CUT TO: INT. X-MANSION

Inside the X-Mansion, Colossus reads the X-Men manual. “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel can be faintly heard. Cut to outside. Deadpool is playing the music on a small boombox. Colossus rolls over in his bed.

DEADPOOL: I made mistakes! I wanna take them back! You trusted me. I took that trust and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom. The one in Minneapolis. You know the one. Colossus! I wouldn't ask for your help unless it was life or death! That kid needs our help! I know you're listening! He's teamed up with the Juggernaut! The Juggernaut! That's like my favorite Marvel character ever, but you should never meet your heroes because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick! And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock and causes nothing but problems!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio watch from nearby. Yukio waves.

YUKIO: Hi, Wade!

DEADPOOL: Hi, Yukio!

NEGASONIC: Please don't.

DEADPOOL: You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Colossus! Look, I don't deserve your friendship or your help. But this kid does. And I'm not gonna bail on him like everyone else. Oh, come on. Any chance Pigeon Wings is available? That's just fine. That's fine.

Deadpool heads back to the taxi, but turns around.

DEADPOOL: No! You know what? Doing the right thing is sometimes messy and fucked up, and not particularly convenient! So stay here in Chateau de Virgin while we go get our fuck on!

Deadpool backs into the taxi, struggling for a moment to find the door handle.

DOMINO: You're doing great.

Deadpool knocks on the window. Dopinder opens the door. Negasonic and Yukio continue to watch from nearby.

CUT TO: EXT. ORPHANAGE

Juggernaut and Russell approach the orphanage.

RUSSELL: So you wear that helmet because your brother tries to read your mind?

JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-steven.

Cut to inside the orphanage.

ORDERLY: Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir. He's not alone.

HEADMASTER: Secure the children.

The headmaster walks away. Cut back outside. Russell puts on sunglasses.

RUSSELL: What do you say we go fuck some shit up?

JUGGERNAUT: "Let's fuck some shit up" is my legal middle name.

They ascend the steps to the front door.

RUSSELL: Watch my back. I've got the old man.

JUGGERNAUT: Amen, brother.

Cut to the taxi squealing up to the gates of the orphanage. Deadpool, Domino, and Cable get out.

DEADPOOL: Time to make the chimichangas.

CABLE: 30 seconds.

DOMINO: I finally know why I'm here. I was raised in this place. Well, not raised. I was tortured.

DEADPOOL: Wow! It's your cosmic reason for being here. Shall we?

DOMINO: This is gonna be fun.

DEADPOOL: Yeah!

The trio stands before the gates together.

DEADPOOL: Hey! Been meaning to ask you, what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear?

CABLE: It's not dirt. It's the blood of my dead daughter.

DEADPOOL: I have a gluten sensitivity. So one glass of wine, I just…

Deadpool imitates an explosion with his hands.

DEADPOOL: Yeah. Wish we could head back in time, and I could take all that back. We should just cue the music.

“Welcome to the Party” by Diplo featuring French Montana, Lil Pump, and Zhavia Ward begins playing. The trio runs toward the orphanage. Deadpool notices Dopinder running with them. Cut to inside. The headmaster opens the door.

HEADMASTER: Welcome home, Russell. We missed you.

DEADPOOL: Russell! You don't need to do this! Let's talk!

The headmaster slams the door shut and runs away.

DEADPOOL: Why are you dressed like the Unabomber?

Russell screams and blows the doors open.

DEADPOOL: That's why.

Russell runs inside.

CABLE: Told you this little fucker's too far gone.

DEADPOOL: Zip it, Thanos! We have a deal and you fuck-

Cable shoves his hand in Deadpool’s face.

JUGGERNAUT: Hey.

They turn their attention back to Juggernaut.

JUGGERNAUT: I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass.

DOPINDER: My body and my hands are so soft.

DEADPOOL: You should probably head back to the car.

DOPINDER: I think I'll head back to the car.

Dopinder runs away. Juggernaut begins approaching them.

DEADPOOL: It works best when you pull the trigger.

Cable shoots Juggernaut at point blank range, sending him flying backwards.

DEADPOOL: That gun is amazing!

Cut back inside. Russell chases down the headmaster, burning the building as he walks.

RUSSELL: Say it!

HEADMASTER: You are an abomination!

Russell throws a fireball. The headmaster gets thrown back, but gets back up and keeps running. Cut back outside. Cable, Domino, and Deadpool all shoot Juggernaut as he approaches.

JUGGERNAUT: Now, I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy.

DEADPOOL: I believe him! Every man for themselves!

Deadpool runs. Cable turns the dial on his gun all the way up. Juggernaut grabs the gun before he can fire. All three heroes attack Juggernaut in close-quarters.

DEADPOOL: Gotcha!

Deadpool hops on Juggernaut’s back.

JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget.

Juggernaut kicks Cable into a nearby car. Deadpool attempts to screw off Juggernaut’s helmet.

DEADPOOL: Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low!

Juggernaut grabs Deadpool’s leg.

DEADPOOL: Ah, shit fuck.

Juggernaut whips Deadpool around and impales his head on a fence. He adjusts his helmet and picks Deadpool back up, throwing him some distance. Cable struggles to get up. Domino continues to shoot Juggernaut, narrowly avoiding his attempts to grab her.

JUGGERNAUT: Come here, beautiful.

Cut back in the building. Russell continues chasing the headmaster.

RUSSELL: Say it!

Russell throws another fireball, blowing out a series of windows. Cut back to Deadpool, whose impalement has left him dizzy. He sees Cable and Domino laying on the ground nearby. “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel begins playing as Colossus stands over him. Deadpool reaches out. Colossus picks him up. In the background, Domino and Cable continue fighting Juggernaut. Deadpool makes a scissoring motion with his fingers. Colossus pulls the bit of fence out of Deadpool’s head. The music stops.

DEADPOOL: You… You came for me.

COLOSSUS: I'm not giving up on you, and you are not giving up on that boy.

DEADPOOL: Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken?

COLOSSUS: It's time to fight dirty.

DEADPOOL: Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.

COLOSSUS: Hey! Pick on someone your own size!

Deadpool slaps Colossus’s ass as he charges Juggernaut.

DEADPOOL: That's such a you thing to say! Go get him, tiger! Big CGI fight coming up!

“Welcome to the Party” by Diplo featuring French Montana, Lil Pump, and Zhavia Ward begins playing again as Colossus and Juggernaut begin fighting. Cut to the headmaster running into another building. He gets up on a stage and grabs a tool. Back outside, Juggernaut rips off his sleeves and beats Colossus. Deadpool, Domino, and Cable stand nearby.

DEADPOOL: He's doing great.

RUSSEL: Say it!

The trio looks over to where Russell is. Russell throws a fireball at the doors of the building the headmaster is hiding in, blowing the doors away.

CABLE: Russell.

DEADPOOL: Bingo!

Cable and Deadpool run over to Russell. Domino stands watching the fight between Colossus and Juggernaut. Juggernaut throws Colossus. Colossus picks up a piece of metal and bends it around his fist. He stabs Juggernaut in the eye with it, and then punches him in the crotch. He pulls Juggernaut’s legs out from under him.

COLOSSUS: That's right! I'm fighting dirty!

Cable and Deadpool are blocked by a dozen armed orderlies. In the background, Domino enters the burning orphanage.

DEADPOOL: Oh, great.

ORDERLY: There they are! Those freaks!

DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. Can I have one of those guns?

CABLE: No.

DEADPOOL: That's fine.

ORDERLY: Get off this property, mutant scum!

DEADPOOL: I'm just gonna use this brick.

The orderlies charge Cable and Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Maximum effort.

They all begin fighting. Deadpool hits one with a brick while Cable shoots some. Cut inside the building. Domino enters the room where the children are being kept.

DOMINO: Who says you can't go home again?

Domino fights the orderlies guarding the children. Cut back to Cable and Deadpool fighting orderlies, and then back to Domino. She kicks one in the crotch. The children cheer. Cut back to Russell confronting the headmaster.

RUSSELL: Say it. Say what you said every time you tortured me! Say it! Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand!

HEADMASTER: Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.

Cut to Domino continuing to fight the orderlies. She causes one to trip and break his neck on a bed frame. As he falls, he kicks something that trips another orderly, causing that one to accidentally stab himself in the throat. Another orderly becomes pinned down under some metal objects. Cut back outside to Juggernaut and Colossus’s fight. Juggernaut picks up Colossus. Colossus breaks one of Juggernaut’s fingers.

JUGGERNAUT: You commie motherfucker!

Juggernaut punches Colossus. Cut back inside to Domino. A shelf falls and decapitates the orderly who was pinned down. The children cheer for Domino. Back outside, Colossus spits out one of his teeth and yells, charging Juggernaut, beating him for a few seconds, and throwing him into a bus. Cut back to Cable and Deadpool, who finish dispatching the orderlies outside.

DEADPOOL: Oh, my God. Did you feel that, too?

Deadpool and Cable simultaneously shoot the last two orderlies.

DEADPOOL: Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.

They run off to stop Russell. Back inside, Domino gathers the children, who are trapped in the room by flames. Cut back outside to Cable and Deadpool.

CABLE: You got 30 seconds, you jabbering butt plug.

DEADPOOL: Now we're getting it.

Cut to Juggernaut picking up the bus. Colossus says something in Russian before Juggernaut hits him with the entire bus. Cut to Domino.

DOMINO: I need a bus to get you all out of here.

The bus crashes through a wall nearby. Domino gestures towards it.

DOMINO: Orphans.

She opens the back door of the bus and sends the kids through.

DOMINO: Oh, geez.

The kids begin escaping through the bus. Cut to Russell confronting the headmaster.

RUSSELL: It's time to burn for what you've done!

HEADMASTER: A child should not be burdened with such power!

Russell prepares to kill the headmaster. Deadpool and Cable burst in and stand between the two.

DEADPOOL: Russell! Wait!

Russell throws a fireball. Cable blocks it, and sends it through the roof. Outside, the X-Jet arrives. Deadpool and Cable dodge debris from the roof. The headmaster escapes. Cable pulls out a gun.

DEADPOOL: Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet

CABLE: What more do you need to see?

DEADPOOL: Don't you fucking dare! He's just a kid!

CABLE: Tick, tock. Meter's running!

Cable holsters his gun. Cut back outside. Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio run from the X-Jet. Juggernaut throws Colossus around.

JUGGERNAUT: I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring.

Colossus attempts to grab a nearby exposed wire. Juggernaut lifts him up. Yukio ties Juggernaut’s legs together with some electrified chains. He drops Colossus, who tears Juggernaut’s pants while falling. In slow motion, Negasonic begins charging her power, and Colossus sticks the exposed wire up Juggernaut’s exposed ass. Negasonic sends him flying into some water nearby. Cut back to Russell, Deadpool, and Cable.

RUSSELL: I told you! Leave me alone!

CABLE: Come on!

DEADPOOL: Listen to me!

Russell attacks Cable. Cable charges him with his shield and throws Russell to the floor. Russell burns Cable’s arm. Deadpool grabs Cable as Russell sends them both flying through the wall, landing in the playground outside. Cut to Yukio, Negasonic, and Colossus looking at Juggernaut.

COLOSSUS: That's how we do in Mother Russia.

Cut to Deadpool and Cable lying on the ground.

DEADPOOL: They say millennials are the hardest to reach.

CABLE: Oh, no. You're doing amazing.

RUSSELL: Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta! Go home, Wade! You're ruining everything! I'm getting good at this shit.

DEADPOOL: Go, go, go!

Deadpool and Cable take shelter behind some playground equipment as Russell sends another fireball at them.

RUSSELL: He dies tonight, Wade. You can't stop me!

Deadpool and Cable notice the headmaster running to cover nearby.

CABLE: He even runs like a fucking pervert.

DEADPOOL: Like an online predator who lost his laptop.

Cable spots his gun laying in rubble nearby.

CABLE: There's one bullet left in that gun.

DEADPOOL: Wait, wait, wait! Please, just give me a second! I got this.

He leaves cover with his hands raised.

RUSSELL: Stay back! Go home, Wade!

Deadpool slowly approaches Russell.

DEADPOOL: Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! That piece of shit, he deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. But if you kill him, he wins. You become everything he says you are, but worse. You're just a kid. You don't wanna hurt anyone.

RUSSELL: How do you know what I want?

DEADPOOL: Because I've been inside you. That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes. Which is also off-putting. It's not a great analogy. The point is, there are people. There are people in this fucking world, besides him, who will treat you right. It isn't too late. Don't do it. I never should've left you there.

Deadpool hugs Russell.

DEADPOOL: I never should've left you in that prison.

RUSSELL: I can't trust you. I can't trust anybody!

Russell burns Deadpool. Deadpool falls down in pain. Russell sends him flying over towards Cable. Domino runs over.

CABLE: Wonderful kid.

Colossus, Negasonic, and Yukio run over.

RUSSELL: You can't stop me, Wade!

Deadpool pulls out a power-dampening collar.

DEADPOOL: I got one more idea. It's just a really bad one, even for me.

Deadpool puts on the collar.

DOMINO: Wade, what are you doing?

DEADPOOL: All right. This is for all the marbles, kid! You're gonna kill someone today...

RUSSELL: Blessed are the wicked...

DEADPOOL: … then it's gotta be me.

RUSSELL: Who are healed by my hand!

In slow motion, Russell gears up to throw a fireball. Cable mouths, “Fuck this,” and runs for his gun. “Tomorrow” by Aileen Quinn begins playing. Cable runs for his gun. Deadpool runs to catch up. Russell prepares his shot. Cable reaches his gun. Russell looks over. Cable fires. Deadpool jumps in the way and takes the bullet. Everyone looks shocked. Deadpool groans and rolls over.

DEADPOOL: Tell me they got that in slow motion.

Deadpool sits up and inspects the wound.

DEADPOOL: Oh, that's not good. No, sir.

Everyone else gathers around. The headmaster begins escaping.

RUSSELL: You sacrificed yourself for me.

DEADPOOL: Yeah. And it was the best thing I ever did. I told you I care about you. You're a good kid, Russell.

The teddy bear Cable carries around loses the charred blood.

DEADPOOL: Hey. The bear. It worked.

Cable looks at the teddy bear.

DEADPOOL: Because of you.

COLOSSUS:No, Wade, because of you.

Colossus moves to remove the collar from Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Stop, stop, stop! Stop! Just let it happen, okay? I guess my heart was finally in the right place. That riddle is so fucked up.

Deadpool lies down. Russell takes off his mask.

RUSSELL: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

DEADPOOL: Don't be. Don't be. I've been trying to make this happen for a while. Please, just don't leave me. I don't wanna die without an audience.

Domino kneels down.

COLOSSUS: We are not going anywhere.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God, I hope the Academy is watching.

DOMINO: Just rest, okay?

DEADPOOL: Papa? Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you find me in the night?

Deadpool appears to die. Everyone begins to walk away.

DEADPOOL: Before I go… Sorry, I got a bit more in me. Domino. I want you to have my Adventure Time watch.

He hands it to her.

DEADPOOL: Turns out that I'm the lucky one. Thank you.

He turns to Negasonic.

DEADPOOL: Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It has been a pleasure. Hi, Yukio.

YUKIO: Hi, Wade!

DEADPOOL: And you… Chrome Bone.

He turns to Colossus.

DEADPOOL: I haven't always been the best friend to you. But you've always been that to me. So thank you. Say "fuck" for me. Just once. Come on, we'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. One, two, three. F... F... F...

COLOSSUS: Fuck.

DEADPOOL: Wow. Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.

He turns to Cable.

DEADPOOL: And you, Cable. You get back to your family. You tell 'em Wade says hi. And promise me. Promise me one thing. That you'll start judging people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

CABLE: Jesus.

DEADPOOL: R-Dog?

Russell comes back over and kneels in close.

DEADPOOL: There you are. Hey! You're a superhero now, bubba. Look. Family is not an F-word. All right? There's one out there for you. Just keep looking, okay? Guys, for a second there, we made a pretty good team.

Deadpool sits motionless for a moment.

DEADPOOL: Oh, it's so hard to go. I just love being around you guys so much. So, so much. Mmm. No, I can feel it now. Here it comes, yeah. I feel the soul exiting the husk. Yeah. Can you see it? Do you see that beautiful bright light? There it is.

Deadpool sits motionless for a moment.

DEADPOOL: Oh, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that. I just have a few final words. Woodpecker. Gingivitis. Codswallop. Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

Deadpool dies for real. His arm goes limp. Cable walks away.

CUT TO: WADE’S APARTMENT

“Take On Me” by a-ha begins playing. Cut to the hazy afterlife version of Wade’s apartment. Vanessa sits in a chair. Wade enters. Vanessa turns to him. She gets up to greet him. She grabs his hand and pulls him through the invisible wall. Past the wall, he returns to how he originally looked.

WADE: Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of handicapable children who were stuck in a tree.

VANESSA: No.

WADE: No. But I did have to help a kid.

VANESSA: Yeah. He's got a terrible name.

WADE: It's just awful. I tried to tell him. Is this heaven?

VANESSA: It is now.

WADE: I am so sorry.

He hugs her.

VANESSA: It's okay.

Cut back to the others. Cable tenderly holds the teddy bear. He pulls out his time travel device. Cut back to the apartment.

WADE: I missed you so much. What is it? What's wrong?

VANESSA: It's not time.

WADE: What do you mean it's not time? I'm here, I made it.

VANESSA: You can't stay.

WADE: No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere without you.

VANESSA: It's okay. There's a time for us. It's just not now. They need you.

WADE: Who?

He turns around to see a vision of all of his friends surrounding his body.

VANESSA: Your F-word.

WADE: Why?

VANESSA: You'll find out. It's all right. I'll be here.

WADE: I love you.

VANESSA: I know. I love you, too. Now, go. Go on. Go, get out of here. Go.

He turns to leave.

VANESSA: Hey! Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

WADE: Well, come here.

She runs over to him. They make out for a few moments.

WADE: Don't fuck Elvis.

VANESSA: Don't fuck Colossus.

WADE: What?

The timer dings. Wade is pulled back to the real world. Cut to Cable, who uses his time travel device to return to when Dopinder dropped Deadpool, Domino, and himself off at the gates.

DEADPOOL: Time to make the chimichangas.

WADE: 30 seconds.

DEADPOOL: Hey. Been meaning to ask you… what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear?

CABLE: It's my daughter's teddy bear. Her name's Hope.

DEADPOOL: Well…

Cable pats Deadpool on the chest. Deadpool giggles.

DEADPOOL: What are you doing? Somebody swiped right.

All of the events since that moment play back in rapid slow-motion, returning to normal speed when Deadpool leapt in front of Cable’s shot.

DEADPOOL: Tell me they got that in slow motion.

RUSSELL: You sacrificed yourself for me.

DEADPOOL: It would seem I… Huh?

He pulls the skee ball token out from his suit. The bullet Cable shot is lodged in it.

DEADPOOL: Genuine, high-grade lead.

He looks at Cable.

DEADPOOL: You time-sliding son of a bitch! You did this for me? Wait. You can't go back. You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl, your wife?

CABLE: Now, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. No, I'm gonna stick around for a while… and make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.

DEADPOOL: No. You did it for me.

CABLE: No, I didn't.

DEADPOOL: You did.

CABLE: I really didn't.

DEADPOOL: Pretty sure you did.

CABLE: No, I'm positive I didn't.

DEADPOOL: Fine. All right, let's flip a coin. Okay? Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me.

Deadpool flips the skee ball token.

DEADPOOL: I'm not even gonna look, because you did it for me.

CABLE: Say it again.

DEADPOOL: He did it for me.

CABLE: Jesus.

COLOSSUS: We must get the collar off.

DEADPOOL: Forget it. It's no use. These collars don't just come off.

RUSSELL: Wade.

He pulls out the pen.

RUSSEL: I have an idea.

DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's not do that. Please!

Russell begins attempting to get the collar off.

DEADPOOL: I'd rather die of cancer. Let's just- Oh, God. They do say the pen is grosser than the sword.

Russell gives up.

RUSSELL: We need the code.

DOMINO: Try, uh, seven?

DEADPOOL: Settle down, Captain Lucky. It's not gonna be one number.

Russell presses seven. The collar comes off.

DEADPOOL: Oh, God, that's lazy writing.

DOMINO: I still got it.

DEADPOOL: Put that back in your prison wallet.

Deadpool faces Cable.

DEADPOOL: I don't know how to thank you. But I do know how to hug you.

CABLE: No.

Deadpool goes in for a hug.

DEADPOOL: Yes. Here we go. Bring it in. Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go tip to tip. There we go. The kids call this docking.

The sound of a knife unsheathing is heard.

DEADPOOL: Is there a knife in my dick?

CABLE: There's a knife in your dick, yes.

DEADPOOL: I'm just gonna back up now.

Deadpool backs off.

CABLE: Yeah, yeah.

DEADPOOL: No need to go full Yentl. Gonna pretend like that never happened. Let's go home, Russell.

Cut to a shot of the whole group leaving together. The headmaster runs up behind them. The group stops and looks at him as he begins yelling at them.

HEADMASTER: All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy! Your souls are beyond redemption!

CABLE: Let's see your soul, perv!

Cable pulls out a knife. Deadpool stops him.

DEADPOOL: No, no! No! No more! We're better than that! We're better than him! No more senseless violence! No more bloodshed! We'll let karma take care of him.

HEADMASTER: The day of reckoning is here!

From off screen, Dopinder drives the taxi straight into the headmaster, killing him instantly.

DEADPOOL: I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.

Dopinder exits the taxi.

DOPINDER: Whoo! Courage, motherfuckers!

DOMINO: And karma, motherfucker.

DEADPOOL: I could hear you coming the last 30 seconds. I could barely keep a straight face.

DOPINDER: I want some more.

DEADPOOL: I bet you do, Brown Panther.

COLOSSUS: We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up.

Colossus laughs.

DEADPOOL: Good call. You guys coming with us?

NEGASONIC: No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. Besides, we're X-Men.

DEADPOOL: No, you're X-People.

He pokes her nose.

NEGASONIC: You're exhausting.

DEADPOOL: I see what you did there. Puns.

YUKIO: Bye, Wade!

DEADPOOL: Bye, Yukio!

The group begins walking away. “We Belong” by Pat Benatar begins playing. Deadpool narrates over the shot.

DEADPOOL: What do you get when you take eight feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow full of stage four cancer? Answer: a family. See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. If there's anything you take away today, other than the need to Google, "What the fuck is dubstep?" it's that we all need to belong to someone.

As they leave, Juggernaut gets up in the background.

END CREDITS

MID-CREDITS SCENE

CUT TO: X-MANSION

Yukio and Negasonic Teenage Warhead repair Cable’s time travel device.

NEGASONIC: How something so small generates enough energy to reverse time is-

DEADPOOL: Oh, just fix it, Eleven, or I'll take it to the Genius Bar.

YUKIO: Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out.

DEADPOOL: Never heard of him.

NEGASONIC: Why do you think I'm helping him?

DEADPOOL: The Lord works in mysterious ways, don't I? A good day.

Deadpool leaves.

YUKIO: Bye, Wade!

DEADPOOL: Bye, Yukio!

YUKIO: That was probably a bad idea.

NEGASONIC: What have we done?

“If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher begins playing as the credits start again.

CUT TO: INT. WADE’S APARTMENT

Wade stands in front of Vanessa after the attack on their apartment.

WADE: I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader.

Vanessa gasps. Wade turns and throws the cream cheese spreader. This time, he hits Sergei square in the forehead.

WADE: I'll be right back!

He pulls out Cable’s time travel device.

WADE: We're definitely naming our kid Cher! Whoo!

Cut to the street. Peter has just completed his successful parachute landing.

DEADPOOL: Peter!

PETER: Whoo! X-Force!

DEADPOOL: Walk away! Just walk away!

PETER: But we're X-Force!

DEADPOOL: Nope! We're not, there's no X-Force!

PETER: All right, well, this has been pretty scary!

DEADPOOL: Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.

PETER: Okay. Will you give Domino my email?

CUT TO: INT. RESEARCH BASE

Wolverine watches as the version of Deadpool from X-Men Origins: Wolverine enters.

WOLVERINE: Wade, is that you? I guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.

Wolverine unsheathes his claws. Deadpool shoots the other Deadpool in the head, killing him instantly. Deadpool enters.

DEADPOOL: Hey! It's me! Don't scratch! Just cleaning up the timelines!

Deadpool shots the body of the other Deadpool a few more times, then walks away.

DEADPOOL: Love you.

CUT TO: INT. RYAN REYNOLDS’S HOUSE

Ryan Reynolds sits at his desk holding some papers.

RYAN: Welcome to the big leagues, kid.

He is revealed to be holding the script for Green Lantern. A gunshot is heard and blood splatters all over the script. Deadpool is revealed to have killed Ryan Reynolds.

DEADPOOL: You're welcome, Canada.

END MOVIE