[Verse 1]
Woke up, it's a blue balls day
Think I'm gonna need somethin' for the pain
Staring at the poster on my wall
That's my cousin I'mma give her a call
Check my tender and OkCupid
Kept swipin' right then I felt really stupid
I found my mom up on this app
Swipe left, swipe right
Or should I fap?
I'm just out here, thinking I'm screwed
Girls don't like me 'less I give 'em the booze
I try so hard, "really what's the use?"
Farmersonly.com will have to do

[Pre-Chorus 1]
Why, oh, why won't you just date me?
When I all I want is respect
But she won't give up the sex
Why, oh, why do girls hate me?
I just wanna pop my cherry
But not with Beth she's hairy

[Chorus 1]
I am so frickin' hard
No one to screw today
I guess I'll lay around and masturbate (masturbate)
I am so frickin' hard
No one to screw today
I guess I'll lay around and masturbate (masturbate)
[Verse 2]
Can't wait to do it, and tell my friends
Why is intercourse so hard to comprehend?
All this stress gonna make me a stoner
Watch Judge Judy then I got me a boner
Man I really wanna plant my seed
Knot on my stomach I can feel it when I breathe
I'm starting to think my life's a joke
If you smelled my hand you'd probably choke

[Pre-Chorus 2]
Why, oh, why won't you just sext me?
When all I want is your boobs
Turned off my cloud now send n***s
Why, oh, why when I say pretty please?
You don't respond and then you block me
And then you call the cops on me

[Chorus 1]
I am so frickin' hard
No one to screw today
I guess I'll lay around and masturbate (masturbate)
I am so frickin' hard
No one to screw today
I guess I'll lay around and masturbate (masturbate)
[Bridge]
Message from Beth on my cell phone
She said "Come over, but bring a comb"
Yes I'm desperate, I need that beaver
Brought seven combs, i'm an overachiever
Arrived at her house, and I popped them pills
Saw her cooche and got the chills
Taken of my clothes, while I twirl
Fell and her phone went live to the world

[Post-Bridge]
Your friends are hard right now
Your parents are hard right now
That hot chick's hard right now
That cop is hard right now
The cameraman's hard right now
Your priest is hard right now
Everyone's hard as fuck right now
I think that means I'm going down!

[Chorus 2]
I am so frickin' hard
She let me screw today
I better turn this off and penetrate (penetrate)
I am so frickin' hard
She let me screw today
I better turn this off and penetrate (penetrate)
[Outro] -Whisper
I'm gonna penetrate you