[Intro: Caspar Lee]
Hi, my name is Caspar Lee
And this roast is lit
Don't laugh

[Verse 1: Caspar Lee & Conor Maynard]
Hey there, Caspar Richard George Lee is my name
Better known as Zoella’s brother's ex-roommate
Talk about how shit I am, I can do it all day
But I can't because I don’t know how to rap
Or rhyme
Or say the words in time
That's why I got my friends to help me write out every line
We're not his friends
Haha, oh there they go again
And everywhere I go, I got WiFi on my head
But at least when I wake up, Gigi Hadid is in my bed
No she's not
Well she will be when we're finally wed
She got a restraining order
Shut the fuck up
My head's like a pineapple and my back is wonky
And people like my mother way more than they like me
She's fucking hot
I know she is but I don't give a fuck
And every comment that I get is, "Where is Joe Sugg?"
And if we were not best friends I would lose all of my subs
And then the only sub I’d have is when I wanted grub
From Subway
Friday, Friday, I tweet every Friday
You would think Rebecca Black has got me by my guy place
Little do they know I only do it for the retweets
It’s the only thing that makes me feel like people need me
He's really insecure
I am verified on Tinder
But my only match is a girl named Linda
Finally got the courage so I asked her out for dinner
Then she went and asked me how much money I could send her
So I did
I sent a million
Then suddenly her Tinder profile went and disappeared
I don’t know where she is
I don't know where she lives
If anybody has some information they can give
Please call in here
[Interlude: Caspar Lee & Conor Maynard]
Please
She was my everything
Jesus, are you alright mate?
I'm fine, I'm fine

[Verse 2: Caspar Lee & Conor Maynard]
I don’t give a damn
I'm the fuckin' man
Even Kevin Hart follows me on Instagram
No he doesn't
Yes he does
Check your phone
I thought you already knew
I'm sorry you had to find out this way

[Verse 3: Conor Maynard]
By the way
I'm only here 'cause I'm getting paid
And Caspar thinks it'll get him laid
But no one wants to jump on that grenade
No
Oh shit, I just got a text from Linda
She's telling me Caspar's money gon' be in her
Bank account, can't believe he sent it over Tinder
Now I can't wait to see where we go for dinner