(Verse 1)
[JOAN]
Hi. I'm Joan
And I currently live alone
In a small, nice home
Nobody calls me on the telephone

So it's me and just me
I used to live with my boyfriend, Steve
But Steve chose to leave
Because he found me boring, and additionally, he was cheating on me
But I'll be okay
I found a new guy I like better anyway
He's hot. Oh, he's hot
He likes my body and my personality a lot

(Chorus 1)
My dog is my boyfriend
We are in love
He's a 12-pound Chihuahua
I found him on the street and I named him Doug

Doug, I love you
I love your big fat neck
Doug's my new boyfriend
Don't worry, we don't have sex
(Verse 2)
Doug likes romance
Once I showed him pictures of Paris, France
With Doug, we just kiss
We talk for hours, then I take him out to piss

He watches me while I get ready
Then we share a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti
Oh Doug, how I wish you could speak
Even for a moment just to make a squeak
I think I know what you'd say
But I like to imagine it anyway

(Chorus 2)
[DOUG]
Joan, I love you
I love the way you feed me ham
You're my life, my love, my everything
I love you just the way you am

The taste of your bathroom garbage
Sends me into overdrive
I'm terrified of vacuums
But you're the most gorgeous woman alive

(Bridge)
[BOTH]
We are in love, we're in love till our dying day
[JOAN]
You are so cool, you are so fun in every single way

[BOTH]
We come from the stars, we kiss the sky and together we'll live forever

(Spoken Interlude)
[DOUG]
Joan, I have to go back

[JOAN]
No! Why?

[DOUG]
They said I could only be a man for an hour

[JOAN]
But who? Who said that?

[DOUG]
God. And His friends

[JOAN]
Right, if that's how it has to be

[DOUG]
But wait, before I go, I have to tell you something
[JOAN]
Anything!

[DOUG]
I ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. It caused a blockage in my intestine that will cost you eight thousand dollars. I'm sorry, Joan

[JOAN]
It's okay, Doug. You're worth it

(Chorus 3)
Doug, I love you
You love me, too, that I know
You're not just my boyfriend
To me, you're the best in show

(Spoken Outro)
I love you, Doug