[Verse 1: Ian McKellen]
Gus is the Cat at the theatre door
My name, as I ought to have told you before
Is really Asparagus, but that's such a fuss to pronounce
That they usually call me just Gus
My coat's very shag, I'm thin as a rake
And I suffer from palsy which makes my paw shake
Yet I was in my youth quite the smartest of cats
Though no longer a terror to mice or to rats

[Verse 2: Ian McKellen]
For I'm not the cat that I was in my prime
Though my name was quite famous, they say in my time
And whenever I join my friends at their club
Which takes place at the back of the neighbouring pub
I love to regale them if someone else pays
With anecdotes drawn from my palmiest days

[Refrain: Ian McKellen]
For I once was a star of the highest degree
I have acted with Irving, I've acted with Tree
And I like to relate my success on the halls
When the gallery once gave me seven cat calls
But my grandest creation, as I love to tell
Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell
[Interlude: Ian McKellen]
Ahh, hahahahahah

[Verse 3: Ian McKellen]
Then, if someone will give me a toothful of gin
I will tell how I once played a part in East Lynne
In a Shakespeare performance I once walked on pat
When some actor suggested the need for a cat

[Verse 4: Ian McKellen]
And I say now, these kittens, they do not get trained
As they did in the days when Victoria reigned
They do not get drilled in the regular troupe
And they think it is smart just to jump through a hoop

[Refrain: Ian McKellen]
And I say as I scratch myself with my claws
Well, the theatre is certainly not what it was
These modern productions are all very well
But there's nothing to equal from what I hear tell
That moment of mystery when I made history
As Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell