[Verse 1: Mark as Professor Whiskers]
Professor Whiskers is a cat and a man
He's not quite a cat
He's not quite a man
He does cat things like getting stuck in the door
Licking his penis and shitting on the floor
It's pretty full on when he licks his dick
It makes my guests a little bit sick
Because he is still half a man
And his penis is that of a man

[Chorus: Zach as Guest Lecturer]
Professor Whiskers
He's got the body of a man
Professor Whiskers
But he's got the brain of a man
Professor Whiskers
Not quite sure what part is a cat

[Verse 2: Mark as Professor Whiskers]
Professor Whiskers has the body of a man
And the arm of a man
And the leg of a man
The hair of a man
The ear of a man
The toes of a man
And the arm of a man
Just to be clear he's completely a man
But he's not a professor, don't you understand?
Professor Whiskers is his cat name
His proper person name is Wayne
And while he lectured for a time
He is currently unemployed
[Chorus: Zach as Guest Lecturer]
Professor Whiskers
The neighbour's cat is preg-a-nent
Professor Whiskers
There are no other cats in the neighbourhood
Professor Whiskers
Don't wanna know how the cat got pregnant

[Verse 3: Mark as Professor Whiskers]
Professor Whiskers loves arching his back
When he thinks his reflection is another cat
Just like a cat he likes burying turds
And bringing us the gift of half dead birds
And just like a cat he has no balls
He cut off his own balls

[Chorus: Zach as Guest Lecturer]
Professor Whiskers
He cut off his own balls
Professor Whiskers
He did it in the shed
Professor Whiskers
He loves to drink yummy milk

[Bridge 1: Mark as Professor Whiskers' Owners & Broden as Vet]
But Professor Whiskers was a naughty kitty cat
Because he did a widdle piddle on the mat
So we put him in the car and drove into town
We said to the vet, "Please put him down"
The vet said, "I can't do that, that's clearly a man"
We said, "Here's fifty bucks"
"Let's fucking put him down"
But the vet only injected a cat amount
So instead of dying he just flailed about
He screamed, "I'm not a real cat! My name is Wayne!"
So we strangled him with his own leash
And ended his pain

[Bridge 2: Mark as Professor Whiskers' Owners & Broden as Vet]
But he grabbed a cricket bat and knocked us to the floor
Ran outside and stole a Holden Commodore
He drove down the street heading for the state lines
The vet said, "I just need one bullet to take nine lives"
The vet took out his revolver and fired one shot
And the Holden Commodore rolled to a stop
A police officer came up and said, "You've killed a man!"
We said, "Here's fifty bucks"
"You've killed a cat!"

[Chorus: Zach as Guest Lecturer]
Professor Whiskers
We buried him in the backyard
Professor Whiskers
The children made him a little cross
Professor Whiskers
His grave is next to Doggo Boy's

[Outro]
And right across from Canary Man
And don't forget about Lizard Boy
And also, Man Man
He's just a person we murdered!
By backyard, I mean the State Belanglo Forest
I'm a murderer