[LOIS]
It seems today
That all you see
Is violence and movies
And sex on TV

[PETER]
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?

[BRIAN]
It used to be
A big-time star
Was elegant as Garbo
Or Hedy Lamarr

[STEWIE]
But now we got whores like Jenny Lopez
You want to curl up and die

[Chorus]
Lucky, there's a Family Guy
Lucky, there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us

[STEWIE]
Laugh and cry
[Chorus]
He's a family guy

[LOIS]
When I was young
The songs were fair
With Mr. Johnny Mathis
And Sonny and Cher

[PETER]
But now we got Justin Timber-homo

[LOIS]
A heartache all gone awry

[Chorus]
So awry

[BRIAN]
The classic films
Were works of arts
The images were graceful
The stories were smart

[STEWIE]
But now we get Matrix Revolution
I'm sorry, I know this doesn't rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski Brothers thinking?!
[Chorus]
Lucky there's a Family Guy
Lucky there's a fella
Sweeter than vanilla
Wholesome as a piece of

[STEWIE]
Apple pie

[Chorus]
He's a family guy!

[LOIS]
His smile's a simple delight

[CHRIS]
He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites

[LOIS]
Peter!

[MEG]
He bought my cute little hat

[BRIAN]
Yeah, we should talk about that
(About that! And his hat!)
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

[BRIAN]
He's mastered the comedy arts

[STEWIE]
He says, "Look out Hiroshima!" then casually farts

[LOIS]
He's loaded with sexy appeal

[PETER]
And best of all, my titties are real. Have a feel!

[BRIAN]
No thank you

[STEWIE]
I gave it the office

[LOIS]
The Brady Bunch
Has got their Mike
And pretty Laura Petrie
Has Dicky Van Dyke
But who around here could fill these loafers?

[Chorus]
But here's a happy reply
Lucky there's a Family Guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us

[STEWIE]
Laugh and cry

[Chorus]
He's a family guy!
He's a family guy!