[Verse 1: Stewie & Brian]
Now, everybody gather round and listen if you would
When I tell you every person needs a way of feeling good
Every kitty needs a ball of string and every dog a stick
But all you need is a bag of weed to really get a kick

[Bridge: Ensemble]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

[Chorus: Ensemble & Stewie]
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed
Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed
It's the only help that you'll ever need
Because everything is better with a bag o' weed!
There you go, you're all getting it now

Interlude: [Ensemble & Stewie]
When Texas people wanna feel good
They go assault a queer
When stupid people need a thrill
They rent The Rocketeer
When Michael Jackson needs a rush
He humps a guy like me
Right!

[Bridge: Ensemble]
But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free
One, two, three, ho!
[Chorus: Brian/Ensemble & Stewie]
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed
Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed
No, you don't need meth and you don't need speed
Because everything is better with a bag o' weed
Have a go, Brian

[Verse 2: Brian, Stewie & Ensemble]
As Mr. H. L. Mencken said, "The common man's a fool"
And just like Helen Keller said, "Doof doo gee dee poh bool."
But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear (hey!)
Because all we need is a bag o' weed to make us wanna cheer

[Bridge: Ensemble]
And one, two

[Chorus: Ensemble]
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed
Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed
You can try and fight, but we're all agreed
Because everything is better with a bag o' weed

[Instrumental breakdown]

[Bridge: Ensemble]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
And a one, two, three, four
And a five, and a six, and a seven, oh!
[Chorus: Stewie, Brian & Ensemble]
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed
Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed
You're a happy guy when you plant the seed
Because everything is better with a bag of weed!
Oh, everything is better with a bag of weed!