There simply is no better man
Than good ol' David Letterman
And no one gets Julia Roberts’ face redder than
A flirty David Letterman

He’s leaving after 30 years
And you know he will be missed
If you like gapped-toothed men in double-breasted suits
He’s number one on your top-ten list

He won’t have to pick up the phone anymore
When Les Moonves calls him up
He'll finally have time to take Jay Leno out for coffee
Then secretly pee in his cup

There simply is no better man
Than good ol' David Letterman
And no one makes my mother wetter than
David Letterman

Seems like yesterday when I was 14
And you looked like a freshman at Ball State
Now your hairpiece is full of grey
And I’m fucking 48

I can’t believe at night when I’m watching Stephen Colbert
You’ll be tucked in the bed under the sheets
Pets with stupid tricks will have no place to go
While Paul Schafer and the band sell crack on the streets
There simply is no better man
Than our hero David Letterman
I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done
And I’m sure I ain’t the only one

‘Cause you paved the way for every late night show
Both Jimmys should get on their knees and blow (you kisses, you kisses)
No more interviewing Heidi Klum or Cheryl Tiegs
Now you’re just the oldest dad at little league

And when you say goodbye and take your final drive
In your Ferrari full of stolen office supplies
And we watch you go with eyes full of tears
I hope the cops pull you over and drag you back here for 30 more years

‘Cause you’re the king of comedy
Our best friend on TV

And I’ll miss you
Yeah buddy I’ll miss you
The whole world’s gonna miss you
David Letterman