You can't be the bully
Then conveniently claim you're oppressed
Can't blow people's countries apart
And demand that they clean up the mess

Can't be a bank baron oligarch
Then plead, "brother, spare me a dime?"
You can't be a blood-addict vampire
And insist the real monster's outside

[Chorus]
Unless, of course, you can
Because that's me, yeah that's me
I want it both ways in the land of the free

You can't preach "all lives are equal...
Unless they're immigrant, women, or black."
You can't weaponize Jesus
And be shocked when the heathens shoot back

'Cause Christ was a radical
But not tin the direction you point him
If you dragged him to a megachurch
It's doubtful he'd see much worth anointing

[Chorus]
Unless, of course, he's changed
More like me; yeah, like me
We have it both ways in the land of the free
Our destiny, made manifest:
Oblivion, it's endless
Imagine our surprise when
We actually had to pick up the check!

[Chorus]
Yeah, that's me
You and me
We'll get it both ways in the land of the free