TITLE SEQUENCE

Text appears which reads, “...And these children/that you spit on/as they try to change their worlds/are immune to your consultations./They’re quite aware/of what they’re going through.../DAVID BOWIE.”

CUT TO: EXT. SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL, DAY

The text on screen shatters and reveals an establishing shot of Shermer High School. Brian’s voice begins to narrate.

BRIAN: Saturday, March 24th, 1984. Shermer High School. Shermer, Illinois, 60062.

Cut to various shots from inside the high school as Brian continues to narrate.

BRIAN: Dear Mr. Vernon. We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did was wrong, but we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, princess, and a criminal. Correct? That’s the way we saw each other at seven o’clock this morning. We were brainwashed.

Outside the school, Claire sits in a car with her father.

CLAIRE: I can’t believe you can’t get me out of this. It’s so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday. It’s not like I’m a defective or anything.

Claire’s dad sighs and turns to her.

CLAIRE’S DAD: I’ll make it up to you.

He hands her a bag from the back seat..

CLAIRE’S DAD: Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn’t make you a defective. Have a good day.
She gets out of the car. Cut to Brian in a car with his mother and younger sister.

BRIAN’S MOM: Is this the first or the last time we do this?

BRIAN: Last.

BRIAN’S MOM: Well, get in there and use the time to your advantage.

BRIAN: Mom, we’re not supposed to study. We just have to sit there and do nothing.

BRIAN’S MOM: Well, mister, you figure out a way to study.

BRIAN’S SISTER: Yeah.

BRIAN’S MOM: Well, go!

He gets out of the car. Cut to Andrew in a car with his dad.

ANDREW’S DAD: Hey, I screwed around. Guys screw around. There’s nothing wrong with that, except you got caught, sport.

ANDREW: Yeah, mom already reamed me, all right?

ANDREW’S DAD: You want to miss a match? You want to blow your ride?

Andrew shakes his head.
ANDREW’S DAD: Now, no school is going to give a scholarship to a discipline case.

Andrew gets out of the car. Andrew’s dad drives away. John walks up and almost gets hit by Allison’s car, but just keeps walking. Allison gets out. She walks to the passenger side, but the car pulls away.

CUT TO: INT. DETENTION ROOM

Claire is seated in the front row. Brian sits in the row behind her. Andrew enters. He gestures to a seat near Claire. She smiles and shrugs, and he sits down. John enters and steals something from a desk. He walks to Brian and gestures for him to move. Brian gets out of his seat and moves to a different one. John pulls out two chairs and lays across them. Allison enters and sits in the far back. Andrew and Claire look at each other and snicker. Vernon enters.

VERNON: Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time.

Claire raises her hand.

CLAIRE: Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but, um... I don't think I belong in here.

Vernon ignores her and checks his watch. As he speaks we see the reactions of the students

VERNON: It is now 7:06. You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways. And you may not talk. You will not move from these seats. And you-

He takes one of the chairs John is laying across and moves it.

VERNON: -will not sleep. All right, people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay of no less than a thousand words describing to me who you think you are.

He hands out paper to the students.

JOHN: Is this a test?
VERNON: And when I say "essay," I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear, Mr. Bender?

JOHN: Crystal.

VERNON: Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.

Brian raises his hand and stands up.

BRIAN: Uh, you know, I can answer that right now, sir. You know, that'd be "no." "No" for me, 'cause-

VERNON: Sit down, Johnson.

BRIAN: Thank you, sir.

Brian sits down.

VERNON: My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?

JOHN: Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

VERNON: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.

Vernon walks to his office.

JOHN: That man is a brownie hound.

Allison begins loudly biting her nails. The other students look at her. She notices, but doesn’t stop.

JOHN: You keep eating your hand, you're not gonna be hungry for lunch.

She spits a nail at him.

JOHN: I've seen you before, you know.

BRIAN: Who do I think I am? Who are you?

Brian sticks his pen in his mouth and plays with it.

BRIAN: I’m a walrus.

John gives him a look. Brian takes the pen out. John takes off his scarf. They both go to take their jackets off at the same time and stare at each other. Brian relents and leaves his on. John stares intently at Brian.

BRIAN: It’s the shits, huh?

John turns away, then crumples up paper and throws it to the front of the room. He begins humming.

CLAIRE: I can’t believe this is really happening to me.

JOHN: Oh, shit! What are we supposed to do if we have to take a piss?

CLAIRE: Please.

JOHN: If you gotta go, you gotta go.

He unzips his pants.

CLAIRE: Oh, my god.

ANDREW: Hey, you’re not urinating in here, man.

JOHN: Don’t talk, don’t talk. It makes it crawl back up.

ANDREW: You whip it out and you’re dead before the first drop hits the floor.

JOHN: God. You’re pretty sexy when you get angry.

He turns to Brian.

JOHN: Hey, homeboy. Why don’t you go close that door, we’ll get the prom queen impregnated?

ANDREW: Hey. Hey!

JOHN: What?

ANDREW: If I lose my temper you’re totaled, man.

JOHN: Totally?

ANDREW: Totally.

CLAIRE: Why don’t you just shut up? Nobody here is interested.

JOHN: Really.

ANDREW: Buttface.

JOHN: Well hey, sporto, what’d you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock?

BRIAN: Excuse me, fellas, I think we should just write out papers.

ANDREW: Look, just because you live in here doesn’t give you the right to be a pain in the ass, so knock it off.

JOHN: It’s a free country.

CLAIRE: He’s just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.

JOHN: Sweets.

Claire turns to him.

JOHN: You couldn’t ignore me if you tried. So… So, are you guys like, boyfriend-girlfriend? Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, sporto. Level with me. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?

CLAIRE: Go to hell!

ANDREW: Enough!

VERNON: Hey, what’s going on in there?

Vernon sits in his office, reading a newspaper.

VERNON: Spoiled little pricks.

He doesn’t get up. Cut back to the detention room.

ANDREW: Scumbag.

John gets up and sits on a railing.

JOHN: What do you say we close that door? We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds.

BRIAN: You know, the door's supposed to stay open.

JOHN: So what?

ANDREW: So why don't you just shut up? There's four other people in here, you know.

JOHN: God, you can count. See, I knew you had to be smart to be a, a wrestler.

ANDREW: Who the hell are you to judge anybody, anyway?

CLAIRE: Really.

ANDREW: You know, Bender, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.

JOHN: Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. Maybe the prep club, too. Student council.

ANDREW: Nah. They wouldn't take you.

JOHN: I'm hurt.

CLAIRE: You know why guys like you knock everything?

JOHN: Oh, this should be stunning.

CLAIRE: It's 'cause you're afraid.

JOHN: Oh, God. You richies are so smart; that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities.

CLAIRE: You're a big coward.

BRIAN: I'm in the math club.

CLAIRE: See, you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.

JOHN: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?

CLAIRE: Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.

JOHN: Well, I don't know any lepers, either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs.

ANDREW: Uh, let's watch the mouth, huh?

BRIAN: Um, uh, this is a Club, too.

JOHN: Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?

BRIAN: Well, what I’d said was, I'm in the Math Club, uh, the Latin Club, and the Physics Club. Physics Club.

JOHN: Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the Physics Club?

CLAIRE: That's an academic club.

JOHN: So?

CLAIRE: So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.

JOHN: Ah, but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?

BRIAN: In physics, well, we, we, uh, we talk about physics. Uh, properties of physics.

JOHN: So it's sort of social. Demented and sad, but social, right?

BRIAN: Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation. I mean, there are other children in my club, and at the end of the year, we have, we have, you know, a big banquet at the Hilton.

JOHN: You load up, you party.

BRIAN: Well, no, well, we get dressed up. I mean, but we don’t get high.

CLAIRE: Only burners like you get high.

BRIAN: And I didn’t have any shoes, so I had to borrow my dad’s. It was kind of weird because my mom doesn’t like me to wear other people’s shoes. And my cousin Ken- my cousin Kendall, from Indiana, he got high once-

Allison mimes shooting Brian behind his back.

BRIAN: -and he started eating really weird foods, and um, and then he just felt like he didn’t belong anywhere, you know, kind of, like, you know, Twilight Zone, kind of.

CLAIRE: Sounds like you.

ANDREW: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.

JOHN: Oh and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!

ANDREW: Well, you wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life!

JOHN: Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys.

ANDREW: Ah, you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals.

JOHN: Oh, but I do!

ANDREW: Yeah?

JOHN: I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights!

BRIAN: You wear tights?

ANDREW: No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

BRIAN: Tights.

ANDREW: Shut up!

Allison smirks and scribbles. Vernon makes a noise in his office and the kids peer around the corner to see him up and walking around. John makes a show of sitting between Claire and Andrew. Vernon ends up going down the hallway away from the detention room. John gets up and heads for the door.

BRIAN: You know, there’s not supposed to be any, uh, monkey business.

JOHN: Young man, have you finished your paper?

John fiddles with latches on the door.

ANDREW: Come on, Bender, don’t screw around.

CLAIRE: What are you gonna do?

ANDREW: Drop dead, I hope.

Cut to Vernon elsewhere in the building. He inspects a reflection of himself and says something incoherent. Cut back to the detention room.

BRIAN: Bender, that’s school property there. I mean, that’s, you know, it doesn’t belong to us and it’s something that’s not to be toyed with.

John closes the door.

ANDREW: That’s very funny. Come on, fix it!

BRIAN: You should really fix that.

John sits back down.

JOHN: Am I a genius?

ANDREW: No, you’re an asshole.

JOHN: What a funny guy.

ANDREW: Fix the door, Bender.

JOHN: Everyone just shh!

Cut in the hallway, Vernon returns and hears the conversation through the door.

JOHN: Listen, I’ve been here before, I know what I’m doing.

ANDREW: No, fix the door! Get up there and fix it!

JOHN: Shut up!

VERNON: Goddamn it!

He bursts in.

VERNON: Why is that door closed?

No one responds.

VENON: Why is that door closed?

JOHN: How are we supposed to know? We’re not supposed to move, right?

Vernon looks at Claire.

VERNON: Why?

CLAIRE: We’re just sitting here, like we’re supposed to.

VERNON: Who closed that door?

JOHN: I think a screw fell out of it.

ANDREW: It just closed, sir.

VERNON: Who?

Allison squeals and slams her face on the table.

JOHN: She doesn’t talk, sir.

VERNON: Give me that screw.

JOHN: I don’t have it.

VERNON: You want me to yank you out of that seat and shake it out of you?

JOHN: I don’t have it. Screws fall out all the time. The world’s an imperfect place.

VERNON: Give it to me, Bender.

CLAIRE: Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?

VERNON: Watch it, young lady.

Vernon leaves in a huff. He tries to open the door, but it falls shut. He grabs a chair.

JOHN: The door’s way too heavy, sir.

Vernon attempts to prop the door open with the chair, but the door still swings shut, swatting the chair out of the way. He shouts and the kids try to conceal their laughter. Vernon comes back in.

VERNON: Andrew Clark. Get up here. Come on, front and center. Let’s go.

Andrew sighs and gets up.

JOHN: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up?

Vernon instructs Andrew to help him carry a large shelving unit to the door.

JOHN: If he gets up we’ll all get up. It’ll be anarchy!

VERNON: Okay, watch it, watch the magazines.

The carry the unit through the door.

JOHN: It’s out of my hands.

With the door propped open, Andrew clumsily tries to get back inside, but slips. Vernon tries to help him up.

JOHN: That’s very clever, sir. But what if there’s a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.

VERNON: Alright, what are you doing with this? What are you doing with this? Get out of here, for god’s sake. What’s the matter with you? Come on.

BRIAN: Well, you know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.

JOHN: Show Dick some respect.

Vernon prods Andrew back to the seats.

VERNON: Let’s go. Go, get back in your seat.

Andrew sits down.

VERNON: I expected a little more from a varsity letterman. You’re not fooling anybody, Bender. The next screw that falls out is going to be you.

JOHN: (Muttering) Eat my shorts.

VERNON: What was that?

JOHN: Eat my shorts.

VERNON: You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister.

JOHN: Oh, I’m crushed.

VERNON: You just bought one more right there.

JOHN: Well, I’m free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I’m going to have to check my calendar.

VERNON: Good, because it’s going to be filled! We’ll keep going. You want another one? Say the word, just say the word. Instead of going to prison you’ll come here. Are you through?

JOHN: No.

VERNON: I’m doing society a favor.

JOHN: So?

VERNON: That’s another one, right now. I’ve got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don’t watch your step. You want another one?

JOHN: Yes.

VERNON: You got it! You got another one right there. That’s another one, pal.

CLAIRE: Cut it out!

She mouths stop at him.

VERNON: You through?

JOHN: Not even close, bud.

VERNON: Good, you got one more right there.

JOHN: You really think I give a shit?

VERNON: Another.

John just stares.

VERNON: You through?

JOHN: How many is that?

BRIAN: That’s seven including when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.

VERNON: Now it’s eight. You stay out of it.

BRIAN: Excuse me, sir, it’s seven.

VERNON: Shut up, Pee Wee.

Vernon holds up two fingers.

VERNON: You’re mine, Bender. For two months I got you. I got you.

JOHN: What can I say? I’m thrilled.

VERNON: Oh, I’m sure that’s exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. Alright, that’s it. I’m going to be right outside those doors. The next time I have to come in here, I’m cracking skulls.

He walks out, holding two fingers up to John one last time before the door closes. Noise builds up.

JOHN: Fuck you! Fuck.

Cut to a close up of a clock which shows 7:45. John strikes a match on his shoe and uses it to light a cigarette. Claire stares off into the distance. Brian covers his crotch with his hat. Andrew plays with the strings on his hoodie. Allison holds up a string. John hits the fire on his shoe, putting it out. Allison ties the string around her finger, cutting off circulation to the tip. John plays air-guitar. Allison draws a detailed piece of art. Andrew plays paper football. Allison scratches her hair, getting dandruff all over her drawing. The kids all struggle to stay awake. Cut to Vernon staring at them all with contempt.

VERNON: Wake up!

None of the kids respond.

VERNON: Who has to go to the lavatory?

The kids all raise their hands. Cut to the clock again, now a little past 10:20. John sits on a desk ripping something up. Brian stands nearby reading something. Andrew stretches his leg on a railing. Claire sits, looking bored. John throws papers everywhere.

ANDREW: That’s real intelligent.

JOHN: You’re right. It’s wrong to destroy literature. It’s such fun to read. And…

He reads the name of the author off of the book he’s ripping up.

JOHN: “Mollay” really pumps my nads.

Claire smiles at John.

CLAIRE: Molière.

Classical music plays.

BRIAN: I love his work.


John angrily throws paper at Brian and puts the book down.

JOHN: Big deal. Nothing to do when you’re locked in a vacancy.

He picks up a drawer of index cards.

ANDREW: Ah, speak for yourself.

JOHN: Do you think I’d speak for you? I don’t even know your language.

Andrew turns away from John to Claire.

ANDREW: Hey, you grounded tonight?

CLAIRE: I don’t know. My mom said I was, but my dad told me just to blow her off.

Andrew gives a pointed look to John before continuing.

ANDREW: There’s a big party at Stubby’s. Parents are in Europe. Should be pretty wild.

CLAIRE: Yeah?

ANDREW: Yeah, you gonna go?

CLAIRE: I doubt it.

ANDREW: How come?

CLAIRE: Well, cause if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it’s because my father says it’s okay. It’s this whole big monster deal. It’s endless. It’s a total drag. It’s like any minute, divorce.

JOHN: Who do you like better?

CLAIRE: What?

JOHN: You like your old man better than your mom?

CLAIRE: They’re both screwed.

JOHN: No, I mean, if you had to choose between them.

CLAIRE: I don’t know. Probably go live with my brother. I mean, I don’t think either one of them gives a shit about me. It’s like they use me just to get back at each other.

ALLISON: Ha!

Claire, John, and Brian look at Allison in confusion. Andrew smiles. Allison blows hair out of her own face.

CLAIRE: Shut up.

ANDREW: You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.

CLAIRE: Yeah, well, if I didn’t, nobody else would.

ANDREW: Aw, you’re breaking my heart.

JOHN: Sporto?

ANDREW: What?

John hops down from the desk.

JOHN: You get along with your parents?

ANDREW: Well, if I say yes I’m an idiot, right?

John hops over the railing in front of Andrew.

JOHN: You’re an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well you’re a liar too.

John walks away. Andrew follows and shoves him from behind.

ANDREW: You know something, man? If we weren’t in school right now I’d waste you.

John holds up his hand.

JOHN: Can you hear this? You want me to turn it up?

He turns his hand up, flipping off Andrew. Brian walks into frame and tries to get between them.

BRIAN: Hey, fellas, I mean-

He reaches his arms around them, but they both shove him off. Andrew takes a few steps away.

BRIAN: I don’t, I don’t like my parents either, I mean, I don’t, you know, I don’t, I don’t get along with them, and their idea of, you know, parental compassion is just, you know, whacko, you know?

JOHN: Dork?

BRIAN: Yeah?

JOHN: You are a parent’s wet dream, okay?

He pats Brian, who stumbles back onto a desk.

BRIAN: Well, that’s the problem.

JOHN: Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kind of clothes, but face it. You’re a neo-maxi-zoon-dweebie. What would you be doing if you weren’t out making yourself a better citizen?

ANDREW: Why do you have to insult everybody?

JOHN: I’m being honest, asshole. I would expect you to know the difference.

ANDREW: Yeah, well he’s got a name.

JOHN: Yeah?

ANDREW: Yeah. What’s your name?

BRIAN: Brian.

ANDREW: See?

JOHN: My condolences.

CLAIRE: What's your name?

JOHN: What's yours?

CLAIRE: Claire.

JOHN: Claire?

CLAIRE: Claire. It's a family name.

JOHN: No, it's a fat girl's name.

CLAIRE: Oh, thank you.

JOHN: You're welcome.

CLAIRE: I'm not fat.

JOHN: Well, not at present, but I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin, but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sort of see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh…

He imitates bloating up. She flips him off.

JOHN: Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

CLAIRE: I'm not that pristine.

He leans in closer.

JOHN: Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Let's end the suspense. Is it gonna be a...white weddin'?

CLAIRE: Why don't you just shut up?

JOHN: Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up, over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off, hoping to God your parents don't walk in?

CLAIRE: Do you want me to puke?

JOHN: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past 11:00 on a school night?

ANDREW: Leave her alone.

John doesn’t move. Andrew walks closer.

ANDREW: I said, leave her alone.

JOHN: You gonna make me?

ANDREW: Yeah.

John walks closer.

JOHN: You and how many of your friends?

ANDREW: Just me. Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal.

John shoves Andrew. Andrew grabs John’s arm and pins him to the ground.

JOHN: I don't want to get into this with you, man.

Andrew gets off of him.

ANDREW: Why not?

JOHN: Because I'd kill you. It's real simple: I'd kill you, and your fucking parents would sue me, and it'd be a big mess, and I don't care enough about you to bother.

He backs up as he talks.

ANDREW: Chickenshit.

Andrew turns away, but looks back when he hears John pull out a switchblade. John stabs it into a chair.

ANDREW: Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her-

Allison takes John’s knife.

ANDREW: -you don't look at her, and you don't even think about her! You understand me?

JOHN: I'm trying to help her.

Cut to Carl the janitor entering. He empties a trash near the kids.

CARL: Hey, Brian, how you doing?

JOHN: Your dad work here?

Andrew smirks.

JOHN: Uh, Carl?

CARL: What?

JOHN: Can I ask you a question?

CARL: Sure.

JOHN: How does one become a janitor?

CARL: You want to be a janitor?

JOHN: No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor, because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.

CARL: Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Serf? Peon? Huh? Maybe so. But following a broom around after shitheads like you for the last eight years, I've learned a couple of things. I look through your letters. I look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations: you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends.

He turns to leave and checks his watch.

CARL: By the way, that clock's 20 minutes fast.

John smiles as Carl leaves. Cut to Vernon in his office. He sees the clock reach 11:30 and gets up. In the detention room, John whistles with a bandana on his head. The rest of the kids join in. They stop when Vernon enters. John switches to a different tune.

VERNON: Alright, girls. That’s thirty minutes for lunch.

ANDREW: Here?

VERNON: Here.

ANDREW: Well, I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.

VERNON: Well, I don’t care what you think, Andrew.

JOHN: Uh, Dick- excuse me, Rich. Will milk be made available to us?

ANDREW: We’re extremely thirsty, sir.

CLAIRE: I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.

ANDREW: I’ve seen her dehydrate, sir. It’s pretty gross.

JOHN: Relax, I’ll get it.

John begins to get up.

VERNON: Ah, ah, ah. Grab some wood there, bub. What, do you think I was born yesterday? You think I’m going to have you roaming these halls? You.

He looks at Andrew. Andrew gestures to Claire.

VERNON: And you.

Vernon points to Allison. She doesn’t notice.

VERNON: Hey! What’s her name? Wake her, wake her up. Hey, come on, on your feet, missy. Let’s go. This is no rest home.

Allison grabs her bag and gets up.

VERNON: There’s a soft drink machine in the teacher’s lounge. Let’s go.

Andrew gets up. Cut to Andrew and Allison walking down the halls. Allison keeps a distance a few steps behind him.

ANDREW: So, what’s your poison? What do you drink?

She says nothing.

ANDREW: Okay, forget I asked.

They walk in silence for a moment.

ALLISON: Vodka.

ANDREW: Vodka. When do you drink vodka?

ALLISON: Whenever.

She moves up a step ahead of him.

ANDREW: A lot?

ALLISON: Tons.

ANDREW: Is that why you’re here today? Why are you here?

ALLISON: Why are you here?

He takes a moment and backs up.

ANDREW: Um… I’m here today because, uh… Because my coach and my father don’t want me to blow my ride. See, I get treated differently because, uh, coach thinks I’m a winner. So does my old man. I’m not a winner because I want to be one. I’m a winner because I got strength and speed, kind of like a racehorse. That’s about how involved I am in what’s happening to me.

ALLISON: Yeah. That’s very interesting. Now, why don’t you tell me why you’re really in here.

ANDREW: Forget it.

Back in the detention room, John is watching Claire. She rotates around a statue in the middle of the room. Brian is sitting near John, also watching her.

JOHN: Claire? You want to see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts? It’s pretty tasty.

CLAIRE: No, thank you.

JOHN: How do you think he rides a bike?

She just glares at him.

JOHN: Oh, Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy like this?

CLAIRE: Can’t you just leave me alone?

JOHN: I mean, if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car. Although, you’d probably have to ride in the backseat because his nuts would ride shotgun.

CLAIRE: You know what I wish I was doing?

JOHN: Watch what you say. Brian here is a cherry.

BRIAN: A cherry?

CLAIRE: I wish I was in a plane to France.

BRIAN: I’m not a cherry.

JOHN: When have you ever gotten laid?

BRIAN: I’ve laid lots of times.

JOHN: Name one.

BRIAN: She lives in Canada. Met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn’t know her.

JOHN: Ever laid anyone around here?

Brian gestures to Claire.

JOHN: Oh, you and Claire did it.

CLAIRE: What are you talking about?

BRIAN: Nothing, nothing. Let’s just drop it, okay? We’ll talk about it later.

CLAIRE: No, drop what? What are you talking about?

JOHN: Well, Brian’s trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagara Falls area, that presently you and he are riding the hobby horse.

CLAIRE: You little pig.

BRIAN: No, I’m not. I’m n- John said I was a cherry and I said I wasn’t. That’s it. That’s all that was said.

JOHN: Well, then what were you motioning to Claire for?

CLAIRE: You know, I don’t appreciate this very much, Brian.

BRIAN: He is lying.

JOHN: Oh, you weren’t motioning to Claire?

BRIAN: You know he’s lying, right?

JOHN: Were you or were you not motioning to Claire?

BRIAN: Yeah, but it was only because I didn’t want her to know I was a virgin, okay? Excuse me for being a virgin, I’m sorry.

CLAIRE: Why didn’t you want me to know you were a virgin?

BRIAN: Because it’s personal business. It’s my personal private business.

JOHN: Well, Brian, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing any business.

CLAIRE: I think it’s okay for a guy to be a virgin.

BRIAN: You do?

Cut to Claire, John, and Andrew sitting at a table. Some drinks are spread out on the table. Claire and Andrew are opening bags of food.

JOHN: What’s in there?

CLAIRE: Guess. Where’s your lunch?

JOHN: You’re wearing it.

CLAIRE: You’re nauseating.

John grabs a drink and tosses it to Allison, who’s looking at an album. Claire takes out her lunch.

JOHN: What’s that?

CLAIRE: Sushi.

JOHN: Sushi?

CLAIRE: Rice, raw fish, and seaweed.

JOHN: You won’t accept a guy’s tongue in your mouth and you’re gonna eat that?

CLAIRE: Can I eat?

JOHN: I don’t know. Give it a try.

Andrew takes out his lunch, which has substantially more food than anyone else’s. Allison opens her drink which fizzes over, and she slurps up what spills. Brian looks at her. Andrew notices Claire and John staring at him.

ANDREW: What’s your problem?

Allison takes apart her sandwich, tossing the meat at the statue in the middle of the room. She pours a large amount of sugar all over her food and begins mashing it all up as the others stare. She notices them as she takes a bite. John moves over to Brian and takes his food.

JOHN: What are we having?

BRIAN: Uh, just your standard regular lunch, I guess.

John reaches in and pulls out a thermos.

JOHN: Milk?

BRIAN: Soup.

John reaches in the bag again. Brian reaches over, but John slaps his hand away. He pulls out a juice box.

BRIAN: That’s apple juice.

JOHN: I can read. PB&J with the crusts cut off. Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?

BRIAN: Uh, no. Mr. Johnson.

JOHN: Ah. Here's my impression of life at Big Bri's house.

He gets up and begins acting out a scene.

JOHN: "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, pal?" "Great, Dad! How's yours?" "Super! Say, son, how’d you like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad! But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son! You can do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Dear, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?"

He mimes Brian’s parents kissing each other, then punching one of them. Andrew sees Brian’s face fall.

ANDREW: All right, what about your family?

JOHN: What, mine?

ANDREW: Yeah.

JOHN: It’s real easy.

He gets up and acts out another scene.

JOHN: "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamned, free loading son-of-a-bitch! Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all asshole jerk!" "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful!" "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!" "What about you, Dad?" "Fuck you!" "No, Dad, what about you?" "Fuck you!" "No, Dad, what about you?!" "Fuck you!"

He mimes getting punched by his dad.

BRIAN: Is that for real?

JOHN: You wanna come over some time?

ANDREW: That's bullshit. It's all part of your image; I don't believe a word of it.

JOHN: You don't believe me?

ANDREW: No.

JOHN: No?

ANDREW: Did I stutter?

John walks over to Andrew. He pulls up his sleeve and shows Andrew a burn mark on his arm.

JOHN: Believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar. Do I stutter? You see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. See, I don't think that I need to sit with you fuckin' dildos anymore!

He walks away, swiping some books off of a desk in anger. He climbs up some stairs and takes a moment to breathe.

CLAIRE: You shouldn’t have said that.

ANDREW: How did I know? I mean, he lies about everything anyway.

Cut to Vernon eating lunch in his office. He spills his drink all over his desk.

VERNON: Oh, shit.

He walks out of his office.

VERNON: Coffee. Probably scrape it off the bottom of the Mississippi River. Everything’s polluted. The coffee’s polluted.

As Vernon rounds a corner, the kids exit the detention room. He enters the bathroom while the kids walk the halls.

CLAIRE: How do you know where Vernon went?

JOHN: I don’t.

CLAIRE: Well, then how do you know when he’ll be back?

JOHN: I don’t. Being bad feels pretty good, huh?

BRIAN: What’s the point of going to Bender’s locker?

ANDREW: Beats me.

BRIAN: This is so stupid. Why do you think, why are we risking getting caught?

ANDREW: I don’t know.

BRIAN: So then, what are we doing?

ANDREW: You ask me one more question and I’m beating the shit out of you.

BRIAN: Sorry.

Cut to John’s locker. He opens it.

ANDREW: You’re such a slob.

JOHN: My maid’s on vacation.

He takes out a bag. He pulls another bag out of it, and then a third bag out of the second. Finally, he pulls a bag of weed out. Brian sniffs.

BRIAN: Drugs.

ANDREW: Screw that, Bender. Put it back.

BRIAN: Drugs. The boy has marijuana.

John walks away, then Claire.

BRIAN: That was marijuana.

ANDREW: Shut up, dick.

Andrew follows.

BRIAN: Do you approve of this?

Allison doesn’t respond. Brian turns and follows the others. Allison steals the lock off of John’s locker. Cut to John and Andrew walking in unison.

JOHN: We’ll cross through the lab, and then we’ll double back.

ANDREW: You better be right. If Vernon cuts us off, it’s your fault, asshole.

BRIAN: What’d he say? Where are we going?

As the kids come around a corner, they see Vernon heading back to the detention room. They scramble around various hallways as music plays, often being barely missed by Vernon.

JOHN: Wait, wait, hold it, hold it. We have to go through the cafeteria.

ANDREW: No, the activities hall.

JOHN: Hey, man, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

ANDREW: No, you don’t know what you’re talking about! Now, we’re through listening to you. We’re going this way. You go where you want, mother hen.

Andrew runs off. Brian and Claire follow. Allison looks at John for a moment before they both follow the others. Vernon walks slowly to where the kids just were. They kids find themselves blocked by a gate.

ANDREW: Shit.

JOHN: Great idea, jagoff.

ANDREW: Fuck you!

CLAIRE: Fuck you! Why didn’t you listen to John?

BRIAN: We’re dead.

JOHN: No, just me.

BRIAN: What do you mean?

JOHN: Get back to the library.

He shoves the weed in Brian’s pants.

JOHN: Keep your unit out of it.

John runs down the hallway, yelling.

JOHN: I want to be an air force ranger! I want to lead a life of danger!

Elsewhere, Vernon hears John in the distance.

VERNON: That son of a bitch!

Vernon runs off. We see shots of each of them running through hallways.

JOHN: Before the day I die, there’s some things I want to buy! Light bulbs, light bulbs, automobile, and a Ferris wheel! I want to be an air force ranger! I want to lead a life of danger!

Vernon turns a corner, out of breath. He hears a sound in the distance. Cut to John in the gymnasium, playing with a basketball.

JOHN: Ah! Three, two, one!

He makes a slam dunk. Vernon walks in.

JOHN: Big applause!

VERNON: Bender! What is this? What are you doing here? What is this?

JOHN: Hi.

John dribbles.

VERNON: Out! That’s it, Bender. Out, it’s over.

JOHN: Don’t you want to hear my excuse?

VERNON: Out!

JOHN: I’m thinking of trying out for a scholarship.

VERNON: Give me the ball, Bender. Give me that ball.

John does two fake outs before rolling the ball over gently. Vernon kicks it at him. They both exit the gymnasium. Cut back to the detention room.

VERNON: Get your stuff, let’s go.

Vernon shoves John towards the tables.

VERNON: Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I’m sorry to inform you you’re going to be without his services for the rest of the day.

JOHN: B-O-O-H-O-O.

VERNON: Everything’s a big joke, huh, Bender? The false alarm you pulled Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren’t they? What if your home, what if your family… What if your dope was on fire?

JOHN: Impossible, sir. It’s in Johnson’s underwear.

Andrew chuckles.

VERNON: Oh, you think he’s funny? You think this is cute? You think he’s bitchin’? Is that it? Let me tell you something. Look at him. He’s a bum. You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years, you’ll see how goddamn funny he is.

Vernon walks over to John.

VERNON: What’s the matter, John? You gonna cry? Let’s go.

Vernon grabs John’s arm. John gets up and shakes him off.

JOHN: Hey, keep your fucking hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick.

John walks away. He sets sunglasses down in front of Andrew.

JOHN: For better hallway vision.

John knocks things off of a desk as he leaves, followed by Vernon. Cut to the two of them in a closet.

VERNON: That’s the last time, Bender. That’s the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make thirty-one thousand dollars a year and I’ve got a home, and I’m not about to throw it away on some punk like you. But someday, man, someday when you’re out of here and you’ve forgotten all about this place, and they���ve forgotten all about you, and you’re wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I’m gonna be there. That’s right. And I’m gonna kick the living shit out of you, man. I’m going to knock your dick in the dirt.

JOHN: You threatening me?

VERNON: What’re you gonna do about it? You think anybody’s gonna believe you? You think anybody is gonna take your word over mine? I’m a man of respect around here. They love me around here. I’m a swell guy. You’re a lying sack of shit and everybody knows it. Oh, you’re a tough guy. Hey, hey, come on, come on. Get on your feet, pal. Let’s find out how tough you are. I wanna know right now how tough you are. Come on, I’ll give you the first punch. Let’s go, come on. Right here. Just take the first shot. Please, I’m begging you. Take a shot right here, come on. Just take one shot. That’s all I need. Just one swing.

John doesn’t do anything. Vernon backs off. He goes for a fake out and John flinches.

VERNON: That’s what I thought. You’re a gutless turd.

Vernon exits, locking the door on his way out. Cut to him entering the bathroom, then back to the closet. The camera pans up a stack of objects and then to a roof tile sliding into place. Cut to John making his way above the ceiling, crawling on all fours.

JOHN: A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." Naked lady says- Oh, shit!

He falls through the ceiling into the detention room.

VERNON: Jesus Christ Almighty!

The other kids look on in shock as John falls and then makes his way down the stairs to the main table area.

JOHN: Forgot my pencil.

He walks over to his seat.

VERNON: Goddamn it!

Vernon enters. John is nowhere to be seen.

VERNON: What in god's name is goin' on in here? What was that ruckus?

The kids just shrug.

ANDREW: Uh, what ruckus?

VERNON: I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.

BRIAN: Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

VERNON: Watch your tongue, young man, watch it.

Under the table in front of Claire, John hits his head. Andrew hits along in a rhythm.

VERNON: What is this?

Andrew makes a zipper sound.

VERNON: What is that? What, what is that, what is that noise?

Under the table, John stares at Claire’s panties.

ANDREW: What noise?

CLAIRE: Really, sir, there wasn't any noise.

As John moves closer, she crushes his head between her knees. He cries out. Claire pretends to sneeze to cover. The other students cough along.

CLAIRE: That noise? Was that the noise that you're talking about?

VERNON: No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will.

Allison laughs.

VERNON: You make book on that, Missy. And you!

He points to Claire.

VERNON: I will not be made a fool of.

Vernon walks away. Toilet paper liner is stuck to the back of his pants. As the door slams shut, Andrew, Brian, and Allison crack up. Claire kicks John and scoots her chair back. She keeps hitting him as he gets out from under the table

JOHN: It was an accident.

CLAIRE: You’re an asshole.

JOHN: Sue me.

He walks over to Brian.

JOHN: So, Ahab, can I have all my doobage?

Brian pulls out the weed and hands it to John.

ANDREW: Yo, wasteoid. You’re not going to blaze up in here.

John ignores him. Claire looks at Andrew, who shakes his head. She gets up and follows John anyway. Brian awkwardly clears his throat. He mouths a question and Andrew, who shakes his head. Biran looks around for a moment and then walks to the back. Andrew turns away and looks agitated.

ANDREW: Shit.

He grabs his sunglasses and gets up. Allison watches. Cut to Vernon, who enters the basement. Cut back to the detention room. Brian is wearing the sunglasses. He, John, and Claire giggle. John lights a match with his teeth and lights the blunt in Claire’s mouth. She coughs. John laughs. Brian pretends to eat the smoke from his blunt. Brian begins doing an impression.

BRIAN: Chicks cannot hold their smoke. That’s what it is.

John chuckles

CLAIRE: Do you know how popular I am? I’m so popular, everybody loves me so much at this school.

BRIAN: Poor baby.

Allison stares slack-jawed at the others from her table.

BRIAN: Five.

He holds up his hand. John gives him a forceful high-five, pushing him backwards. His legs go up in the air. Claire laughs. Andrew exits a nearby smoke-filled room smoking a blunt. He takes off his jacket and starts dancing around.

ANDREW: Woo!

He does a cart-wheel as he goes, then a barrel-roll. He takes off his shirt and swings it around, throwing it down. Brian whistles. Andrew pretends to hit himself and then keeps running around the perimeter of the second floor. Brian, laughing, hits Claire, who yelps. Andrew makes his way back to the smoke-filled room and walks in closing the door. He yells, and the glass on the door’s window shatters. Cut to Vernon, who’s reading files.

VERNON: Mr… Oh, Mr. Tierney. A history of slight mental illness.

Carl walks in.

VERNON: No wonder he’s so fucked up.

CARL: Afternoon, Dick.

Vernon looks up and puts the file he’s reading down.

VERNON: Hey, Carl, how you doing?

CARL: Good.

VERNON: Good, what’s up?

CARL: Not much. What’s happening? What are you doing in the basement files?

VERNON: Oh, nothing, nothing here. I’m just doing a little homework here.

CARL: Homework, huh?

Carl walks closer.

VERNON: Yeah.

CARL: Confidential files, huh?

VERNON: Well, look, Carl, this is a highly sensitive area, and I, I tell you something, certain people would be very, very embarrassed. I would really appreciate it if this would be something that you and I could keep between us.

CARL: What are you gonna do for me, man?

VERNON: What would you like?

CARL: You got fifty bucks?

VERNON: What?

CARL: Fifty bucks.

Cut back to the detention room. Brian and Andrew are sitting in chairs and laughing.

ANDREW: No, no, man, no. You got a middle name?

BRIAN: Yeah, guess.

ANDREW: Uh-

Allison begins walking over.

ALLISON: Your middle name is Ralph, as in, puke. Your birth date’s March 12th, you’re five-nine and a half, you weigh 130 pounds and your social security number is 049-38-0913.

She sits near Brian.

ANDREW: Wow, are you psychic?

ALLISON: No.

BRIAN: Well, would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?

She pulls out a wallet from her bag.

ALLISON: I stole your wallet.

BRIAN: Give it to me.

ALLISON: No.

BRIAN: Give it.

She tosses it down.

BRIAN: This is great, you’re a thief too, huh?

ALLISON: I’m not a thief.

ANDREW: Multi-talented.

ALLISON: What’s there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot.

ANDREW: A what?

ALLISON: He’s got a nudie picture in there. I saw it. It’s perverted.

ANDREW: Alright, let’s see it.

John brushes his teeth. Claire reads a clip of IDs.

CLAIRE: Are all these your girlfriends?

JOHN: Some of them.

CLAIRE: What about the others?

JOHN: Well, some I consider my girlfriends and some I just consider.

CLAIRE: Consider what?

JOHN: Whether or not I want to hang out with them.

CLAIRE: You don’t believe in just one guy, one girl?

JOHN: Do you?

CLAIRE: Yeah. That’s the way it should be.

JOHN: Not for me.

CLAIRE: Why not?

JOHN: How come you got so much shit in your purse?

CLAIRE: How come you have so many girlfriends?

JOHN: I asked you first.

CLAIRE: I don’t know. I guess I never throw anything away.

JOHN: Neither do I.

CLAIRE: Oh.

ANDREW: This is the worst fake ID I’ve ever seen. You realize you made yourself 68?

BRIAN: Oh, I know, I know, I goofed it.

ANDREW: What do you need a fake ID for?

BRIAN: So I can vote.

ALLISON: Want to see what’s in my bag?

ANDREW AND BRIAN: No.

She looks at them, then spills the contents of her bag all over the couch.

ANDREW: Holy shit. What is all that stuff?

BRIAN: Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?

ALLISON: Yeah. I always carry this much shit in my bag. You never know when you may have to jam.

BRIAN: Are you going to be like, a shopping bag lady? You know, like, sit in alleyways, and, like, talk to buildings and wear men’s shoes and that kind of thing?

ALLISON: I’ll do what I have to do.

BRIAN: Why do you have to do anything?

ALLISON: My home life is unsatisfying.

BRIAN: So you’re saying you’d subject yourself to the violent dangers of these Chicago streets because your home life is unsatisfying?

ALLISON: I don’t have to run away and live in the street. I can run away and I can go to the ocean. I can go to the country. I can go to the mountains. I can go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan.

Brian leans over to Andrew.

BRIAN: Andy, you want to get in on this? Allison here says she wants to run away because her home life is unsatisfying.

ANDREW: Well, everyone’s home life is unsatisfying. And if it wasn’t, people would live with their parents forever.

BRIAN: Yeah, yeah. I understand, but I think hers goes beyond what, you know, guys like you and me consider normal unsatisfying.

ALLISON: Never mind, forget it, everything’s cool.

She begins packing stuff back in her bag.

ANDREW: What’s the deal?

ALLISON: No. There’s no deal, sporto. Forget it. Leave me alone.

ANDREW: Wait a minute. Now, you’re carrying all that crap around in your purse. Either you really want to run away or you want people to think you want to run away.

ALLISON: Eat shit.

She walks off.

BRIAN: The girl is an island with herself.

Andrew throws Brian’s wallet back at Brian and walks off towards Allison.

ANDREW: Hi. You want to talk?

ALLISON: No.

ANDREW: Why not?

ALLISON: Go away.

ANDREW: Where do you want me to go?

ALLISON: Go away!

After a few moments, he walks away.

ALLISON: You have problems.

ANDREW: Oh, I have problems?

ALLISON: You do everything everybody ever tells you to do! That is a problem.

ANDREW: Okay, fine. But I didn’t dump my purse out on the couch and invite people into my problems, did I?

He walks closer to her.

ANDREW: So what’s wrong? What is it? Is it bad? Real bad? Parents?

ALLISON: Yeah.

ANDREW: What did they do to you?

ALLISON: They ignore me.

ANDREW: Yeah. Yeah.

Cut to Vernon and Carl.

VERNON: What did you want to be when you were young?

CARL: When I was a kid I wanted to be John Lennon.

VERNON: Carl, don’t be a goof. I’m trying to make a serious point here. Carl, I’ve been teaching for twenty two years, and each year these kids get more and more arrogant.

CARL: Oh, bullshit, man. Come on, Vern. The kids haven’t changed, you have. You took a teaching position because you thought it’d be fun, right? Thought you could have summer vacations off? And then you found out it was actually work. That really bummed you out.

Vernon shakes his head.

VERNON: These kids turned on me. They think I’m a big fucking joke.

CARL: Come on. Listen, Vern, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you?

VERNON: Hey, Carl, you think I give one rat’s ass what these kids think of me?

CARL: Yes, I do.

VERNON: You think about this. When you get old, these kids, when I get old, they’re gonna be running the country.

CARL: Yeah.

VERNON: Now, this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night, that when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me.

CARL: I wouldn't count on it.

Back in the detention room, all five kids are seated on the floor.

ANDREW: What would I do for a million bucks? I guess I’d do as little as I had to.

CLAIRE: That’s boring.

ANDREW: Well, how am I supposed to answer?

CLAIRE: The idea is to, like, search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, um… Would you drive to school naked?

He laughs.

ANDREW: Uh, would I have to get out of the car?

CLAIRE: Of course.

ANDREW: In the spring? Or winter?

CLAIRE: Doesn’t matter. Spring.

ANDREW: In front of the school or in back of the school?

CLAIRE: Either one.

ANDREW: Yes.

ALLISON: I’d do that. I’ll do anything sexual. I don’t need a million dollars to do it, either.

CLAIRE: You’re lying.

ALLISON: I already have. I’ve done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I’m a nymphomaniac.

CLAIRE: Lie.

BRIAN: Are your parents aware of this?

ALLISON: The only person I told was my shrink.

ANDREW: What did he do when you told him?

ALLISON: He nailed me.

CLAIRE: Very nice.

ALLISON: I don’t think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him.

CLAIRE: He’s an adult.

ALLISON: Yeah, he’s married, too.

CLAIRE: Ugh. Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?

ALLISON: Well, the first few times-

CLAIRE: The first few times? You mean he did it more than once?

ALLISON: Sure.

CLAIRE: Are you crazy?

BRIAN: Obviously she’s crazy if she’s screwing a shrink.

ALLISON: Have you ever done it?

CLAIRE: I don’t even have a psychiatrist.

ALLISON: Have you ever done it with a normal person?

CLAIRE: Didn't we already cover this?

JOHN: You never answered the question.

CLAIRE: Look, I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers.

ALLISON: It's kind of a double edged sword, isn't it?

CLAIRE: A what?

ALLISON: Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't, and when you do, you wish you didn't, right?

CLAIRE: Wrong.

ALLISON: Or are you a tease?

ANDREW: She's a tease.

CLAIRE: I'm sure. Why don't you just forget it.

ANDREW: Oh, you're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.

JOHN: She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.

CLAIRE: I don't do anything.

ALLISON: That's why you're a tease.

CLAIRE: Okay, let me ask you a few questions.

ALLISON: I already told you everything.

CLAIRE: No. Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean, don't you want any respect?

ALLISON: I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me.

CLAIRE: It's not the only difference I hope.

JOHN: Face it, you're a tease.

CLAIRE: I'm not a tease.

JOHN: Sure you are. Sex is your weapon. You said it yourself. You use it to get respect.

CLAIRE: No, I never said that. She twisted my words around.

JOHN: What do you use it for then?

CLAIRE: I don't use it period.

JOHN: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?

CLAIRE: I didn't mean it that way. You guys are putting words into my mouth.

JOHN: Well, if you'd just answer the question.

BRIAN: Why don't you just answer the question?

ANDREW: Be honest.

JOHN: No big deal.

BRIAN: Yeah answer it.

ANDREW: Answer the question, Claire.

JOHN: Talk to us.

They all begin talking over each other, prodding her to answer the question.

JOHN: C'mon, it's easy. It's only one question.

CLAIRE: No, I never did it!

ALLISON: I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac, I'm a compulsive liar.

CLAIRE: You are such a bitch. You did that on purpose just to fuck me over.

ALLISON: I would do it, though. If you love someone, it’s okay.

CLAIRE: I can’t believe you. You’re so weird. You don’t say anything all day and then when you open your mouth you unload all these tremendous lies all over me.

ANDREW: You’re just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn’t want to admit to.

CLAIRE: Okay, fine. But that doesn’t make it any less bizarre.

ANDREW: What's bizarre? I mean, we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

CLAIRE: How are you bizarre?

ALLISON: He can't think for himself.

ANDREW: She's right. Do you guys know what uh, what I did to get in here?

Claire shakes her head.

ANDREW: I taped Larry Lester's buns together.

BRIAN: That was you?

ANDREW: Yeah, you know him?

BRIAN: Yeah, I know him.

ANDREW: Well then, you know how hairy he is right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, some skin too.

CLAIRE: Oh, my god.

ANDREW: And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school, all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So, I'm, I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee, and Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. And he's kinda, he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I, uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And, afterwards, when I was sitting in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and, and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation, fucking humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal. I mean, I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way. It's all because of me and my old man. God, I fucking hate him! He's like this, he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore. "Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family. Your intensity is for shit! Win! Win! Win!" You son of a bitch. You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give, and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.

JOHN: I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.

BRIAN: It's like me, you know, with my grades. Like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me. I don't like what I see. I really don't.

CLAIRE: What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?

BRIAN: Sounds stupid, but… ‘Cause I'm failing shop. See, we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um, and we had eight weeks to do it and we're supposed to, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk, the light was supposed to go on. My light didn't go on. I got an F on it. Never got an F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for the course, I mean, I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, "I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average."

JOHN: Why'd you think it'd be easy?

BRIAN: Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?

JOHN: I take shop. You must be a fuckin' idiot.

BRIAN: I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp?

JOHN: No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.

BRIAN: What do you know about Trigonometry?

JOHN: I could care less about Trigonometry.

BRIAN: Bender, did you know without Trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?

JOHN: Without lamps, there'd be no light.

CLAIRE: Okay, so neither one of you is any better than the other one.

ALLISON: I can write with my toes. I can also eat, brush my teeth.

CLAIRE: With your feet?

ALLISON: Play Heart and Soul on the piano.

BRIAN: I can make spaghetti.

CLAIRE: What can you do?

ANDREW: I can tape all of your buns together.

JOHN: I want to see what Claire can do.

CLAIRE: I can’t do anything.

JOHN: No, everybody can do something.

CLAIRE: There’s one thing I can do… No, forget it. It’s way too embarrassing.

JOHN: You ever see “Wild Kingdom?” I mean, that guy’s been doing that show for thirty years.

CLAIRE: Okay. You have to swear to God you won’t laugh.

John motions a cross.

CLAIRE: Okay. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.

She sticks a tube of lipstick between her breasts. She leans her head down and swings it either way. When she brings her head up, she’s successfully applied lipstick to her lips. The other kids clap.

ANDREW: Alright. Great. Where’d you learn to do that?

CLAIRE: Camp, seventh grade.

John keeps clapping.

JOHN: That was great, Claire.

She wipes the lipstick off.

JOHN: My image of you is totally blown.

ALLISON: You’re a shit. Don’t do that to her. You swore to God you wouldn’t laugh.

JOHN: Am I laughing?

ANDREW: You fucking prick.

JOHN: What do you care what I think anyway? I don’t even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn’t make any difference. I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? And you don’t like me anyway.

CLAIRE: You know, I have just as many feelings as you do, and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them.

JOHN: God, you’re so pathetic. Don’t you ever, ever compare yourself to me, okay? You got everything and I got shit. Fucking Rapunzel, right? School would probably fucking shut down if you didn’t show up. Queenie isn’t here. I like those earrings, Claire.

CLAIRE: Shut up.

JOHN: Are those real diamonds, Claire?

CLAIRE: Shut up.

JOHN: I bet they are. Did you work for the money for those earrings?

CLAIRE: Shut your mouth.

JOHN: Or did your daddy buy those?

CLAIRE: Shut up!

JOHN: I bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift, right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, “Hey, smoke up, Johnny.” Okay? So go home and cry to your daddy. Don’t cry here, okay?

ANDREW: My God, are we gonna be like our parents?

CLAIRE: Not me. Ever.

ALLISON: It's unavoidable, it just happens.

CLAIRE: What happens?

ALLISON: When you grow up, your heart dies.

JOHN: Who cares?

ALLISON: I care.

BRIAN: I was thinking, I mean... I know it’s kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um… What is going to happen to us on Monday when we’re all together again? I mean, I consider you guys my friends. I’m not wrong, am I?

ANDREW: No.

BRIAN: So on Monday, what happens?

CLAIRE: Are we still friends, you mean? If we’re friends now, that is.

BRIAN: Yeah.

CLAIRE: Do you want the truth?

BRIAN: Yeah, I want the truth.

CLAIRE: I don’t think so.

ALLISON: With all of us? Or just John.

CLAIRE: With all of you.

ANDREW: That’s a real nice attitude, Claire.

CLAIRE: Oh, be honest, Andy. If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean, picture this. You’re there with all the sports. I know exactly what you’d do. You’d say hi to him, and when he left, you’d cut him all up so your friends wouldn’t think that you really liked him.

ANDREW: No way.

ALLISON: What if I came up to you?

CLAIRE: Same exact thing.

JOHN: You are a bitch.

CLAIRE: Why, ‘cause I’m telling the truth? That makes me a bitch?

JOHN: No, ‘cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone, and you don’t got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell them that you’re going to like who you want to like.

CLAIRE: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite? Why don’t you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties?

Allison chuckles.

CLAIRE: Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high, or what about Andy for that matter? What about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They’d laugh their asses off. And you’d probably tell them that you were doing it with me so they’d forgive you for being seen with me.

JOHN: Don’t you ever talk about my friends. You don’t know any of my friends, you don’t look at any of my friends, and you certainly wouldn’t condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things that you know. Shopping, nail bolish, your father’s BMW, and your poor, rich, drunk mother in the Caribbean.

CLAIRE: Shut up!

JOHN: And as far as being concerned about what’s going to happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it, because it’s never going to happen. Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fucking prom.

CLAIRE: I hate you.

JOHN: Yeah? Good.

BRIAN: Okay, then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos. Would you… Would you do that to me?

ALLISON: I don’t have any friends.

BRIAN: Well, if you did.

ALLISON: No. I don’t think the kind of friends I’d have would mind.

BRIAN: I just wanna tell each of you that I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty.

CLAIRE: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.

BRIAN: You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself. Why are you like that?

CLAIRE: I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!

BRIAN: Well, then why do you do it?

CLAIRE: I don't know, I don't... You don't understand, you don't... You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with. You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you.

BRIAN: I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well, fuck you! Fuck you!

Brian begins to cry into his sleeve.

BRIAN: Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in my locker.

ANDREW: Why'd you have a gun in your locker?

BRIAN: I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on, and it didn't go on, I mean...

ANDREW: What's the gun for, Brian?

BRIAN: Just forget it.

ANDREW: You brought it up, man!

BRIAN: I can't have an F. I can't have it, and I know my parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me.

CLAIRE: Brian…

He punches a chair nearby.

BRIAN: So I considered my options, you know?

CLAIRE: No, killing yourself is not an option.

BRIAN: Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!

ALLISON: It was a handgun?

BRIAN: No, it was a flare gun. Went off in my locker.

ANDREW: Really?

Andrew begins to laugh.

BRIAN: It's not funny.

Andrew tries to stop himself but can’t contain his laughter. Allison and John try to hide their smiles. Brian starts to laugh after a moment as well.

BRIAN: Yes it is. Fuckin' elephant was destroyed!

ALLISON: You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing. I didn't have anything better to do.

Everyone begins to laugh.

ALLISON: You're laughing at me!

ANDREW: No!

ALLISON: Yeah, you are!

The laughter continues. Cut to Brian playing music on the radio in an office. Allison dances around the middle of the room. The camera follows her and we see John in the background shaking the statue while on top of it. Brian dances in the office. He throws some papers. Claire dances on the stairs. Andrew sits on a railing, drumming on his knee. A montage plays of the kids dancing in various ways and combinations. The montage ends and John makes his way back across the ceiling to the room he was locked in. the other four kids sit on a railing.

CLAIRE: Brian?

BRIAN: Hm?

CLAIRE: Are you going to write your paper?

BRIAN: Yeah, why?

CLAIRE: Well, it’s kind of a waste for all of us to write our paper, don’t you think?

BRIAN: Well, that’s what Vernon wants us to do.

CLAIRE: True, but I think we’d all kind of say the same thing.

BRIAN: You just don’t want to write your paper, right?

CLAIRE: True, but you’re the smartest, right?

BRIAN: Well, um.

CLAIRE: We trust you.

ANDREW: Yeah.

BRIAN: Alright. I’ll do it.

CLAIRE: Great.

Claire begins to stare at Allison. Allison stares back in response.

CLAIRE: Come on.

ALLISON: Where are we going?

CLAIRE Come on.

Claire gets up. Cut to a close up of Allison’s face as Claire does her makeup.

CLAIRE: Don’t be afraid.

ALLISON: Don’t stick that in my eye.

CLAIRE: I’m not sticking it, just close that- no, wait. Just go like that.

Claire makes a face. Allison copies it. Claire continues.

CLAIRE: Good. You know, you really do look a lot better without all that black shit on your eyes.

ALLISON: Hey, I like that black shit.

CLAIRE: This looks a lot better. Look up.

Brian sits at his desk, working on the paper. Andrew sits on a railing nearby. Claire continues with the makeup.

ALLISON: Please. Why are you being so nice to me?

CLAIRE: Cause you’re letting me.

Brian writes something down. John sits in the closet and looks up as the door opens. Claire enters.

JOHN: You lost?

Brian continues writing. Andrew looks up as Allison enters. She walks over. Andrew hops down from the railing. Brian looks up at her.

ALLISON: Thank you.

Back in the closet, Claire kisses John’s neck.

JOHN: Why’d you do that?

CLAIRE: ‘Cause I knew you wouldn’t.

JOHN: You know how you said before how your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn’t I be outstanding in that capacity?

CLAIRE: Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick?

JOHN: Truth?

CLAIRE: Truth.

He nods.

JOHN: No.

Back in the detention room, Brian takes one last look at the paper and kisses it.

ANDREW: What happened to you?

ALLISON: Why? Claire did it.

He doesn’t say anything.

ALLISON: What’s wrong?

ANDREW: Nothing’s wrong. It’s just, you’re so different. I can see your face.

ALLISON: Is that good or bad?

ANDREW: It’s good.

She smiles. Brian gives himself a pat on the arm. Cut to the five of them walking through the hallway. They pass Carl on the way out.

CARL: See you Brian.

BRIAN: Hey, Carl.

JOHN: See you next Saturday.

CARL: You bet.

Cut to them exiting the building. Brian approaches his dad in the car. Andrew and Allison kiss. She rips a patch off of his jersey and walks to her car. Andrew’s dad pulls up. Andrew gets in the car. Claire gives John one of her earrings. He kisses her. She gets in the car and drives away. John puts on the earring she gave him. Cut to Vernon in the detention room reading Brian’s essay.

BRIAN: Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.

As the letter continues, John walks across a football field.

BRIAN: But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...

ANDREW: ...and an athlete...

ALLISON: ...and a basket case...

CLAIRE: ...a princess...

JOHN: ...and a criminal.

BRIAN: Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

John throws a fist up into the air and the frame freezes.

END CREDITS