[Verse 1]
First I'mma march through the DoubleTree™
And make all the residents watch I Heart Huckabees
I'll start five free festivals
For people brave enough to show their IQ test results
The government should issue people roller skates
Only optional for the elderly and the overweight
All politicians should get replaced
So when they lie, somebody's there to punch them in the face
I'll put brushes on everybody's fenders
To free the city budget from shoveling all winter
Bless municipal ticketing department papers
And no memorizing street cleaning parking hours
Make P.E. instructors show their figure for
An English professor's teach Cappa's verse on Winter Warz
These kinda thoughts should fly like a chopper propeller
But they give all the talk shows to that Costas fella'
With this brain I should've been had some mozzarellas
I tried getting attention, I did lots of yelling

[Hook]
God dammit, I'mma smash me a watermelon
You think I'm playin'? Somebody pass me a watermelon
A big, fat, red, and black-seeded watermelon
You think I'm playin'? I'mma smash me a watermelon
I ain't playin', somebody pass me a watermelon
A big, fat, red, black and green-seeded watermelon
(Muthafucka)
[Verse 2]
Of course I do my shows double-dare style
Do you see this ridiculous ass hairstyle?
I'm bald on the top like Kojak
But curly on the sides like the hairs on my ball sack
Yeah, I put my money where my mouth is
You see how big this motherfucking couch is?
And mainstream America's afraid of me
Shit, I taught Jimmy Kimmel his ABC's
Ha! See that wick? We're evolved from winters
Cause saber-tooth tigers tried to eat us all for dinner
I'm descended from the ones that were smart enough
To hide in a cave and learn to write in the dark and stuff
And motherfuck Carrot Top
He carries props but that's where his merit stops
He's a Vegas lounge act, I'm an astronaut
When I hear his punk ass gets laughs, I'm shocked
I book my own tours, fuck taking half the box
Ain't talking guns when I say I let the hammers pop

[Hook]
God dammit! I'mma smash me a watermelon
You think I'm playin'? Somebody pass me a watermelon
A big, fat, red, and black-seeded watermelon
I'm not playin', somebody pass me a watermelon
I got a hammer, I'mma smash me a watermelon
A big, fat, red, black and green-seeded watermelon
(Hella subversive)