EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOOTAGE) - NIGHT
GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA
It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY
The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized
Conference table with six scary-looking EVIL ASSOCIATES
Including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket
And turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID
ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY CAT
DR. EVIL
(face always unseen)
Gentlemen, are we all here? Good
As you know, my plot to high-jack
Nuclear weapons and hold the world
Hostage has failed. Again. This
Organization will not tolerate
Failure
He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic
Doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip
Back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and
Smoking
DR. EVIL
Mustafa...
ANGLE ON: MUSTAFA, an Arab with a red Fez
DR. EVIL
Frau Farbissina...
ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA in a severe Salvation Army uniform
DR. EVIL
I spared your lives because I need
You to help me rid the world of the
Only man who can stop me now. We
Must go to London. I've set a trap
For Austin Powers!
EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY
MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by QUINCY JONES
We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet
Pants walking down the street in rhythm, à la Saturday Night
Fever
We pan up to reveal AUSTIN POWERS, International Man of
Mystery. He's a swinger, with
Medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National
Health Services glasses
Austin walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is
That perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies
Austin, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to
A MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus
Austin salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO
BEAUTIFUL MOD GIRLS who are excited to see him. They all
Start to twist to the music, including the Bobby
FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD
(PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR FREEZE FRAMES À LA SWEET CHARITY.)
In the middle of the street, THREE MODELS wait impatiently
To be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area
One wears a short-skirted Stewardess outfit. One wears a
Metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears
A see-through Mary Quant dress
AUSTIN
(taking photos)
Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout
For me baby. Smashing!
We see that AUSTIN HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The model in
The stewardess outfit foes on all fours
AUSTIN
Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(beat)
No. No
Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm
Spent
Austin throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT
Scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground
AUSTIN
Get these off to Fab Magazine right
Away
SUPERMODEL 1
Austin, you've really outdone yourself
This time
AUSTIN
Thanks, baby
SUPERMODEL 2
(suggestively)
We could have another photo session
Back at my flat
AUSTIN
(coyly)
Oh, behave!
SUPERMODEL 3
Austin, I love you!
AUSTIN
So many women, so little time
A gaggle of MOD GIRLS come towards the shoot site. They
Recognize Austin and SCREAM hysterically
MOD GIRL 1
It's Austin Powers!
Austin runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's
Night
EXT. CARNABY STREET
Two BAD GUYS attack Austin. He JUDO CHOPS them
AUSTIN
Judo chop! Judo chop!
The mob of girls catches up to Austin and he runs away
EXT. PHONE BOOTH
Austin's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob
Runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard
EXT. GUARD STATION - LONDON - DAY
Austin is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned-
Face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM GUARD standing at attention
Just outside his guard box
Austin mugs for the guard, trying to get him to crack up
But to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER
From behind the guard's head and presents it to him. They
Both crack up
EXT. PHOTO BOOTH
The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody
Inside. Austin steps out
ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP
Panels 1-3 show Austin with various exotic MODELS. The fourth
Panel shows Austin with the QUEEN
EXT. CARNABY STREET
Austin spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that
Says "PROTEST!" in a funky font
AUSTIN
You might want to protest a bit louder
Next time, luv
The both laugh
2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - AUSTIN'S PASSPORT
The passport opens. We see Austin's dour photo. Then he
Gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips
And we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been
EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY
Austin flips a coin into a BLIND MAN's cup. The blind man
Obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. Austin
Wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to
Knee him the balls
EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY
Austin is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF
SCHOOLGIRLS
After a moment, Austin returns from around the corner with a
Baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND
The schoolgirls pick up his trail again and he begins to
Run
A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a
Large Union Jack, pulls beside Austin
He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing
Off just ahead of the crowd
EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY
The driver of the Jag is Austin's associate, MRS. KENSINGTON
A beautiful woman in her thirties
They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London
AUSTIN
Hello, Mrs. Kensington
MRS. KENSINGTON
Hello, Austin Just then, a FLASHING
RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a
Distinctive PHONE RING
MRS. KENSINGTON
That'll be Basil Exposition, Chief
Of British Intelligence
The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone
ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BASIL EXPOSITION a
Distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "Basil
Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence."
BASIL EXPOSITION
(on picture phone)
Hello, Austin. This is Basil
Exposition, Chief of British
Intelligence
You're Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and you're
With Agent
Mrs. Kensington. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a
Picture phone
AUSTIN
We know all that, Exposition
BASIL EXPOSITION
I just wanted to be extremely clear
So that everyone knows what's going
On at any given time. We've just
Received word that Dr. Evil, the
Ultimate square, is planning to take
Over the world
AUSTIN
Dr. Evil? I thought I put him in
Jail for good
BASIL EXPOSITION
I'm afraid not. Earlier this week
Dr. Evil escaped from Zedel Edel
Prison in Baaden Baaden and now he's
Planning a trap for you tonight at
The Electric Psychedelic Pussycat
Swinger's Club in Picadilly Circus
Here in swinging London
A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing
Austin's position and the location of the club
AUSTIN
Just where you'd never think to look
For him. We'll be there
BASIL EXPOSITION
Good luck, Austin
AUSTIN
Thank you
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
(pause)
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thank you
(to Mrs. Kensington)
Let's go, baby!
EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - PICADILLY CIRCUS - NIGHT
On top of one building is a three-story high BOB'S BIG BOY figure
EXT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB - NIGHT
The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub
Mrs. Kensington steps out of the car, dressed in a tight
Leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous
INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB
It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there
Is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress
MICK JAGGER
Hey Austin Powers, it's me, Mick
Jagger
AUSTIN
Hey, Mick!
MICK JAGGER
Are you more satisfied now sexually
Austin?
AUSTIN
Well, you can't always get what you
Want
MICK JAGGER
(thinking)
"You can't always get what you want!"
That's a great title for a song!
I'm
Gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit
AUSTIN
Good on ya, man
MICK JAGGER
Groovy!
FULL SCREEN INSERT
A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."
9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART
"You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One
INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB
In one corner ANDY WARHOL sits in front of his multi-colored
Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a butterfly on the
Thigh of a MOD GIRL wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit
ANDY WARHOL
Austin Powers? Hi, I'm Andy Warhol
AUSTIN
Hey, how are you?
ANDY WARHOL
Hungry
AUSTIN
Here, have this can of Campbell's
Tomato Soup
Austin hands Andy a can of soup
ANDY WARHOL
I'm going to paint this can of soup
And become famous and not give you
Any credit for it
AUSTIN
If you can become famous, everyone
Will have their fifteen minutes of
Fame, man
ANDY WARHOL
"Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going
To use that quote and not give you
Any credit for that, either
AUSTIN
Smashing!
FULL SCREEN INSERT
Andy Warhol's famous Soup Can painting
INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB
HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN is giving Austin a Victoria's Cross
Like the Lyndon Johnson scene in Forrest Gump. Behind them
Are two COLDSTREAM GUARDS and the DUKE OF EDINBURGH
QUEEN
Austin Powers, Britain owes you a
Debt of gratitude
Austin gives a cheeky look to Mrs. Kensington
QUEEN
I understand you were wounded. Where
Were you hit?
AUSTIN
In the but-tocks
QUEEN
That must be a sight. I'd kind of
Like to see that
Austin turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded
Bum (matching Gump's) to the queen
The queen walks away
QUEEN
(laughing)
Nice buttocks
In the line-up we also see FOREST GUMP. He has to pee very
Badly
MRS. KENSINGTON
We've got to find Dr. Evil!
AUSTIN
Wait, I've got an idea
He PUNCHES a PRETTY MOD GIRL in the face, knocking her out
Cold
EVERYONE
Ohhh!
MRS. KENSINGTON
Austin, why in God's name did you
Strike that woman?
AUSTIN
That ain't no woman! It's a man
Man. It's one of Dr. Evil's
Assassins
Austin pulls off the mod girl's wig. She is a MALE ASSASSIN
The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet
Mrs. Kensington knocks his feet from under him. The assassin
Hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. Kensington
Kicks the knife out of his hand and Austin gets him in a
Head-lock from behind
AUSTIN
Where's Doctor Evil?
ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE
FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR
Gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from
His back. Austin sees Dr. Evil as he runs through a door
They give chase
INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM
They enter. Dr. Evil climbs into an egg chair
AUSTIN
I've got you again, Dr. Evil!
The chair fills with a WHITE MIST
DR. EVIL
(unseen, through mist)
Not this time. Come, Mr
Bigglesworth!
(calling out)
See you in the future, Mr. Powers!
Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair
A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC
FREEZING BEGINNING."
MRS. KENSINGTON
My God! He's freezing himself
Austin begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up
And the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to
RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling
EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
The Bob's Big Boy rocket begins to LIFT OFF
EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT
PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket
EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE
The Bob's Big Boy rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr
Bigglesworth is pressed to the window like one of those
Stuffed Garfields
DR. EVIL (V.O.)
(shivering)
I'll be back, Mr. Powers, when free
Love is dead, and greed and avarice
Once again rule the world
EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO
GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT
IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN
AFFAIR:
16 FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM
A BLIP appears on the radar screen
RADAR OPERATOR
(on phone)
Commander Gilmour?
17 SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER GILMOUR'S OFFICE
COMMANDER GILMOUR, a distinguished man in his fifties
RADAR OPERATOR
(on phone)
Commander, this is Slater in SoWest
Com Three. We have a potential bogey
With erratic vectoring and an
Unorthodox entry angle
COMMANDER GILMOUR
(on phone)
Is it one of ours?
RADAR OPERATOR
No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its
Metalurg recon analysis is a standard
Alloy, not stealthy, not carbon-
Composite
(pause)
It does have an odd shape, sir
COMMANDER GILMOUR
What are you saying, son?
RADAR OPERATOR
It appears to be in the shape of
Bob's Big Boy, sir
18 SCREEN 3 - THE BOB'S BIG BOY ROCKET
The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Oh my God, he's back
DRAMATIC STING
RADAR OPERATOR
In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never
Left, sir. He's always offered the
Same high quality meals at competitive
Prices
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Shut up
RADAR OPERATOR
Should we scramble TacHQ for an
Intercept?
COMMANDER GILMOUR
What's its current position?
19 SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA
On the radar screen it says "NEVADA."
RADAR SCREEN
It was over Nevada, but...oh my God!
It's gone!
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Listen son, I want you to forget
What you saw here tonight
RADAR OPERATOR
Commander, I have to log it&emdash;
COMMANDER GILMOUR
That's a direct order. You didn't
See a thing!
He hangs up and picks up another phone
COMMANDER GILMOUR
(into phone)
Philips
20 SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT PHILIPS AT HIS DESK
SERGEANT PHILIPS picks up the phone
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Call the President
SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Prepare the jet...
22 SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Get my overnight bag
23 SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Philips, do me a favor and feed my
Fish
SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK
A hand enters and sprinkles fish food
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Not too much!
The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food
COMMANDER GILMOUR
I'm going to London, England
EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND
GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE
MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA"
INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY)
Basil Exposition (now aged 30 years), Command Gilmour, and
NICOLAI BORSCHEVSKY, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather
Gear over their uniforms
BASIL EXPOSITION
As you know, gentlemen, Dr. Evil had
Himself frozen in 1967. Soon after
Austin Powers volunteered to have
Himself frozen, in the event Dr
Evil should ever return. We believe
Dr. Evil has begun yet another plot
To take over the world. And that
Gentlemen, is why we're here
COMMAND GILMOUR
Outstanding re-cap, Exposition
Command Gilmour opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes
INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY
They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing
A naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man
They pass GARY COLEMAN, EVEL KNIEVAL (with cape), and VANILLA
ICE, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth
With a plate that reads "JOHN
TRAVOLTA."
BORSCHEVSKY
Who is this Austin Powers? Is he a
British operative?
BASIL EXPOSITION
No, he worked freelance, an
Internationally renowned swinging
Photographer by day and the ultimate
Gentlemen spy by night
Finally, they come across Austin Powers: He is naked. His
Hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face
Suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His
Glasses are frosted over. He is very hairy
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Attention, Stage One, laser cutting
Beginning
Lasers begin to cut Austin out of the ice in one huge cube
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Laser cutting complete. Stage Two
Warm liquid goo phase beginning
A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it
Into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Warm liquid goo phases complete
Stage Three, reanimation beginning
Austin comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Reanimation complete. Stage Four
Cleansing beginning
INT. EXAMINATION AREA
Technicians lead a half-asleep Austin to a screened area
Where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off
With a series of hot-water jets
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Cleansing complete. Stage Five
Evacuation beginning
He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened-
In toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE
BOWL
He PEES for a while, then a little longer
And then EVEN LONGER STILL
The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than
Ever
He is still PEEING
Finally, it STOPS
FEMALE ANNOUNCER (PA)
Evacuation com...
He begins PEEING again
A little LONGER
Then in short staccato BURSTS
The it STOPS. Pause
Two DRIPS
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Evacuation...
(waiting)
Complete! The cryogenic state of
Austin Powers is now completed
Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle à la Dr
Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections
And monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors
AUSTIN
(weakly)
Where am I?
BASIL EXPOSITION
You're in the Ministry of Defense
It's 1997. You've been cryogenically
Frozen for thirty years
AUSTIN
(shouting)
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
BASIL EXPOSITION
The shouting is a temporary side-
Effect of the unfreezing process
AUSTIN
Yes, I'm having trouble
Controlling&emdash;
(shouting)
THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!
BASIL EXPOSITION
You might also experience a slight
Fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at
Moments of extreme relaxation
Austin, this is Commander Gilmour
Strategic Command, and General
Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence
AUSTIN
Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?
BASIL EXPOSITION
A lot's happened since you were
Frozen, Austin. The cold war's over
AUSTIN
Thank God. Those capitalist dogs
Will finally pay for their crimes
Against the people
Hey Comrades?
BASIL EXPOSITION
We won, Austin
AUSTIN
Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya!
(to Gilmour)
Nice tie. Yea capitalism!
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Mr. Powers, the President's very
Concerned. We've got a madman on
The loose in Nevada
BASIL EXPOSITION
It's Dr. Evil
AUSTIN
When do I begin?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Immediately. You'll be working with
Ms. Kensington
AUSTIN
You mean Mrs. Kensington?
BASIL EXPOSITION
No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long-
Since retired. Ms. Kensington is
Her daughter
VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful
Mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very
Conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she
Wears glasses. Austin's breath is taken away
She sets down a huge stack of files
BASIL EXPOSITION
Vanessa's one of our top agents
AUSTIN
(out loud, to himself)
My God, Vanessa's got a smashing
Body. I bet she shags like a minx
How do I tell them that because of
The unfreezing process, I have no
Inner monologue?
(pause)
I hope I didn't say that out loud
Just now
There is an uncomfortable SILENCE
VANESSA
Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate
You to the Nineties. You know, a
Lot's changed since 1967
AUSTIN
Well, as long as people are still
Having promiscuous sex with many
Anonymous partners without protection
While at the same time experimenting
With mind-expanding
Drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a
Pound
VANESSA
My mother's told me all about you
AUSTIN
If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's
The truth, goddamn me
(pause)
God, I hope that's witty. How's
Your mum?
VANESSA
My mother's doing quite well, thank
You very much
BASIL EXPOSITION
Yes, well...Agent Kensington will
Get you set up. She's very dedicated
Perhaps, a little too dedicated
(aside to Austin)
She's got a bit of a bug up her ass
Good luck, Austin, the world's
Depending on you
AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thanks
Basil exits
INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW
Austin and Vanessa wait at the window
VANESSA
Let's gather your personal effects
Shall we?
A CLERK brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list
CLERK
(reading)
Danger Powers, personal effects
AUSTIN
Actually, my name's Austin Powers
CLERK
It says here, name Danger Powers
AUSTIN
Danger's my middle name
CLERK
OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue
Crushed-velvet suit. One frilly
Lace cravat. One gold medallion
With peace symbol. One pair of
Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed
Socks, purple. One vinyl recording
Album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas
One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump
AUSTIN
(embarrassed)
That's not mine
CLERK
(reading)
One credit card receipt for Swedish-
Made penis enlarger pump, signed
Austin Powers
AUSTIN
I'm telling you, baby, that's not
Mine
CLERK
(reading)
One warranty card for Swedish-made
Penis enlarger pump, filled out by
Austin Powers
AUSTIN
I don't even know what this is
This sort of thing ain't my bag
Baby
CLERK
(reading)
One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger
Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is
My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers
The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated
AUSTIN
OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll
Sign. Just to get things moving
Baby
VANESSA
Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward
To working with you, but do me a
Favor and stop calling me baby. You
Can address me as Agent Kensington
We have to leave immediately. We've
Preserved your private jet just as
You left it. It's waiting at Heathrow
Airport
AUSTIN
(excited)
My jumbo jet? Smashing baby
EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY
We see a plane taking off in silhouette
EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY
A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with Austin's logo on the tailpiece
INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET
The inside looks like Hugh Heffner's jet&emdash; rust shag carpet, brown walls, and beads. Austin and Vanessa sit on beanbag chairs. Vanessa works on her lap top
AUSTIN
Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How
Does a hot chick like you end up
Working at the Ministry of Defense?
VANESSA
I went to Oxford and excelled in
Several subjects, but I ended up
Specializing in foreign languages
I wanted to travel -- see the world
In my last year I was accepted into
The M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies
Sector. I thought I was off on an
Exciting career, but my job was to
Read everything printed in every
Country. It's very boring. My whole
Day is spent reading wedding
Announcements in Farsi. If I do
Well with this case, I finally get
Promoted to field operative...
AUSTIN
That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag?
VANESSA
I beg your pardon?
AUSTIN
I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
VANESSA
Excuse me?
AUSTIN
My wedding tackle.
VANESSA
I'm sorry?
AUSTIN
My meat and two veg
VANESSA
Mr. Powers, please. I know that you
Must be a little confused, but we
Have a very serious situation at
Hand. I would appreciate it if you'd
Concentrate on our mission and give
Your libido a rest
AUSTIN
Have you ever made love to a Chigro?
VANESSA
A Chigro?
AUSTIN
You know, a Chigro&emdash; part
Chinese, part Negro&emdash; Chigro
VANESSA
(offended)
We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore
It's considered offensive
AUSTIN
That's right. You're supposed to
Say 'colored' now, right?
(spotting the flight
Attendants)
Here's the stewardesses! Bring on
The sexy stews!
The STEWARDESSES enter. They're not dressed very sexily
One of them is a man and another wears braces
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Excuse me, did you say 'stewardess'?
We're called 'flight attendants'
Now, thank you very much
AUSTIN
Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a
Whore, I'm a sex worker', baby
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My name is Mrs. Wilkenson. There
Are a few things we need to discuss
First of all, we're not wearing these
She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS
HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 -
Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'?
AUSTIN
Seems pretty straightforward, don't
You think...listen darling, I think
You're a fabulous bird. Can I get
Your telephone number?
FLGHT ATTENDANT
(mock sexy)
Sure, it's easy to remember
(writing on his hand)
It's 777-FILM. We have to prepare
The craft for take-off now
AUSTIN
Smashing! When we land I'll give
You a tinkle on the telling bone
The flight attendant gives him a chilly stare and then exits
AUSTIN
Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's
Two things I know about life: one
Americans will never take to soccer
Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses
Love to shag!
They're shag-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa
And be honest
VANESSA
Sure
AUSTIN
Do I make you horny?
VANESSA
What?
AUSTIN
Do I make you horny? Randy, you
Know. To you, am I eros manifest?
VANESSA
I hope this is part of the unfreezing
Process
AUSTIN
Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger&emdash;
That's what I do, I swing
VANESSA
I understand that, Mr. Powers, but
Let me be perfectly clear with you
Perhaps to the point of being
Insulting. I will never have sex
With you, ever. If you were the
Last man on Earth and I was the last
Woman on Earth, and the future of
The human race depended on our having
Sex simply for procreation, I still
Would not have sex with you
Austin is oblivious
AUSTIN
What's you point, Vanessa?
EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT
Austin's plane. Time has passed
IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT
Vanessa's lap-top BEEPS
COMPUTER VOICE
You've got mail!
ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's Basil Exposition
BASIL EXPOSITION
Hello Austin. Hello Vanessa. This
Is Basil Exposition, from British
Intelligence
There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think
May be linked to Dr. Evil. Many of the Virtucon executives
Gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's
The first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat
Rooms
AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful
Vanessa closes her lap-top
PILOT
(over loudspeaker)
Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning
Our final descent into Las Vegas
International Airport. Flight
Attendants will be coming by to
Collect your drinks, and I'll ask
You at this time to please return to
The main cabin and put your
Bean-bags in the upright position
Austin and Vanessa fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags
EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT
We see a plane's lights landing at night
ZOOM CUT TO:
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored
Projections, and flashing lights, we see Austin dance crazily
à la BOB FOSSE with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the Austin
Powers logo body-painted on her midriff
The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy
EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT
Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to
Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves
Caesar's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of
Las Vegas
GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS
DR. EVIL
(face again unseen)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a
Long time, but I'm back. It's all
Gone perfectly to plan except for
One small flaw. Because of a
Technical error, my right arm was
Not frozen. I was therefore by
Definition only partially frozen
ANGLE ON EVIL ASSOCIATE MUSTAFA. He is terrified and sweaty
Eyes darting left and right
MUSTAFA
But my design was perfect! Your
Autonomic functions were shut down
And even though your arm wasn't
Frozen, the aging was retarded
Therefore your right arm is only
Slightly older than the left
DR. EVIL
Can't you see I'm only half a man?
Look at me, I'm a freak!
He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal
MUSTAFA
But Dr. Evil, all you need to do
Is&emdash;
(holding up tennis
Ball)
--work with this tennis ball. Squeeze
It for twenty minutes a day. A few
Months of that and it'll be just as
Strong as the other arm...
DR. EVIL
And look what you've done to Mr
Bigglesworth!
ANGLE ON MR. BIGGLESWORTH
Who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair
Around it's ears, like Dr. Evil himself
MUSTAFA
We could not anticipate feline
Complications due to the reanimation
Process&emdash;
DR. EVIL
(face unseen)
Silence!
ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. EVIL'S RING ON IT
Dr. Evil presses a button. Mustafa's chair tips back and he
Falls backwards into a pit
MUSTAFA
(blood-curdling scream)
Ahhhhhhhhh!
DR. EVIL
(face unseen)
Let this be a reminder to you all
That this organization will not
Tolerate failure
MUSTAFA'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY
ANGLE ON: DR. EVIL FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY
FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS
Scar on his cheek
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, let's get down to business
More muffled SCREAMS
DR. EVIL
We've got a lot of work to do
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Someone help me! I'm still alive
Only I'm very badly burned
DR. EVIL
(slightly distracted)
Some of you I know, some of you I'm
Meeting for the first time
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone
Call an ambulance? I'm in quite a
Lot of pain
DR. EVIL
(very frustrated)
You've all been gathered here to
Form my Evil Cabinet. Excuse me
He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
If somebody can open the retrieval
Hatch down here, I could get out
See, I designed this device myself
And...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you
Found me. Listen, I'm very badly
Burned, so if you could just&emdash;
SFX: Muffled Gunshot
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Ow! You shot me!
DR. EVIL
Right. Okay. Moving on
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
You shot me right in the arm! Why
Did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot
Dr. Evil waits. Nothing
DR. EVIL
Let me go around the table and
Introduce everyone. Frau
Farbissina...
ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA
DR. EVIL
...founder of the militant wing of
The Salvation Army. Random Task...
RANDOM TASK is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform
DR. EVIL
...a Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman
Extraordinaire. Show them what you
Do
He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it. It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room
DR. EVIL
Thank you, Random Task. Patty
O'Brien...
PATTY O'BRIEN, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes
DR. EVIL
...ex-Irish assassin. His trademark?
Around PATTY O'BRIENS WRIST is a charm bracelet
DR. EVIL
A superstitious man, he leaves a
Tiny keepsake on every victim he
Kills. Scotland Yard would love to
Get their hands on that piece of
Evidence
PATTY O'BRIEN
(heavy Irish accent)
Yes, they're always after me lucky
Charms!
Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face
PATTY O'BRIEN
What? What? Why does everyone always
Laugh when I say that? They are
After me lucky charms
They cannot contain their LAUGHTER
PATTY O'BRIEN
(angry)
What?
FRAU FARBISSINA
(through suppressed
Laughter)
It's a television commercial with
This little cartoon Leprechaun who
Is a benevolent imp who is very
Concerned that these children will
Steal his lucky charms which are
Foodstuffs fashioned into various
Shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers
What have you...
(pause)
It's a long story
DR. EVIL
Finally, I come to my number two
Man. His name: Number Two
NUMBER TWO, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch
DR. EVIL
For thirty years, Number Two has run
Virtucon, the legitimate face of my
Evil empire
He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to
Reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted
By various miniature models
NUMBER TWO
Over the last thirty years, Virtucon
Has grown by leaps and bounds. About
Fifteen years ago, we changed from
Volatile chemicals to the
Communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states...
The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map
NUMBER TWO
...in addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland...
A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland
NUMBER TWO
...Shipping in Texas...
A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates
NUMBER TWO
...Oil refineries in Seattle...
An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle
NUMBER TWO
And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.
The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago
NUMBER TWO
We also own the Franklin mint, which makes decorative hand-painted theme plates for collectors
(holds up plate)
Some plates, like the Gone With The Wind series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved.
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of
Britain are the wealthiest landowners In the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it look like Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage and, therefore, they would have to divorce.
There is an uncomfortable silence
NUMBER TWO
Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced, actually.
DR. EVIL
People have to tell me these things! I've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here.
(pausing)
OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the Sixties I had a
weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
There is another uncomfortable silence
NUMBER TWO
Umm, that also has already happened
DR. EVIL
Right
(pause)
Oh, hell, let's just do what we always
Do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons
And hold the world hostage
(pause)
Gentlemen, it's come to my attention
That a breakaway Russian Republic
Called Kreplachistan will be
Transferring a nuclear warhead to
The United Nations in a few days
Here's the plan. We get the warhead
And we hold the world ransom...
(dramatic pause)
...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
There is an uncomfortable pause
NUMBER TWO
Don't you think we should ask for
More than a million dollars? A
Million dollars isn't that much money
These days
DR. EVIL
All right then...
(dramatic pause)
...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!
There is another uncomfortable pause
NUMBER TWO
Virtucon alone makes over nine billion
Dollars a year
DR. EVIL
(pleasantly surprised)
Oh, really?
(slightly irritated)
One-hundred billion dollars
(pause)
OK, make it happen. Anything else?
FRAU FARBISSINA
Remember when we froze your semen
You said that if it looked like you
Weren't coming back to try and make
You a son so that a part of you would
Live forever?
DR. EVIL
Yes
FRAU FARBISSINA
Well, after a few years, we got sort
Of impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you
To meet your son
DR. EVIL
My son?
FRAU FARBISSINA
Yes
(calling out)
Scott!
SCOTT EVIL walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a
Kurt Cobain T-shirt
SCOTT EVIL
Hi
DR. EVIL
Hello, Scott. I'm your father, Dr
Evil
(emotional)
I have a son! I have a son!
Everyone, I have a son!
(gesturing to globe)
Someday, Scott, this will all be
Yours
SCOTT EVIL
I haven't seen you my whole life and
Now you show up and want a
Relationship? I hate you!
EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY
Vanessa and Austin drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag
AUSTIN
You've preserved my Jag! Smashing!
VANESSA
Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a
Secure cellular phone, an on-board
Computer, and a Global Geosynchronous
Positioning Device. Oh, and finally
This
The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various
Dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush
Dental mirror, and cleaning tool
AUSTIN
Let me guess. The floss is garotte
Wire, the toothpaste contains plastic
Explosives, and the toothbrush is
The detonation device
VANESSA
No, actually. I don't know how to
Put this really. Well, there have
Been fabulous advances in the field
Of dentistry
AUSTIN
Why? What's wrong with my teeth?
EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT
The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door
INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM
Vanessa carries her compact flight attendant bag and Austin
Takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite suitcases
AUSITN
Which side of the bed do you want?
VANESSA
You're going to sleep on the sofa. I'd like to remind you, Mr. Powers, that the only reason we're sharing a room is to support our cover story that we're a married couple on vacation.
AUSTIN
So, shall we shag now, or shall we
Shag later? How do you like to do
It? Do you like to wash up first?
Top and tails? A whore's bath?
Personally, before I'm on the job, I
Like to give my undercarriage a bit
Of a how's-your-father
AUSTIN
(off her angry reaction)
I'm just joking, Vanessa. Trying to
Get a rise out of you
They both laugh
VANESSA
Let's unpack
HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents
All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags
AUSTIN
Gor blimey, nerd alert
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a Nehru jacket and a huge Remington
Shaver with huge English plug
HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel
Iron and a Braun blow drier
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 Playboy and a bottle
Of Jurgens lotion
HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a
Plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie
Marked "Shoes."
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and
Hai Karate cologne
HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. Evil -
Top Secret."
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish penis enlarger pump
Vanessa sees it
AUSTIN
Hey, who put this in here? Someone's
Playing a prank on me! Honestly
This isn't mine
VANESSA
(suffering)
I'm sure
AUSTIN
I think I'll give that stew a ding-a-
Ling
Austin casually dials the phone while looking at his palm
After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the
Handset
MOVIE PHONE VOICE
(through handset)
Hello! And welcome to 777-FILM!
Austin covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Vanessa
AUSTIN
I got her answering machine
INT. CASINO
Austin and Vanessa walk through the casino. Austin gives
PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak
AUSTIN
I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot
My x-ray glasses
VANESSA
Here, use mine
AUSTIN
I'm going to use a cover name. It's
Important that it be a generic name
So that we don't draw attention to
Ourselves
INT. CASINO
Austin and Vanessa join the high-rollers table. Number Two
Is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a
Beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la SOPHIA LOREN) in a white dress
With a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him
Is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO
AUSTIN
Do you mind if I join you?
NUMBER TWO
Not at all
The DEALER deals
DEALER
Seventeen
Zoom in on Number Two's eyepatch
NUMBER TWO'S MONOCULAR POV
GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino
In their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe
It is a 4
NUMBER TWO
Hit me
DEALER
You have seventeen, sir. The book
Says not to, sir
NUMBER TWO
I like to live dangerously
The dealer draws a card from the card shoe
DEALER
Four. Twenty-one
Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to Austin
And Number Two
DEALER
(to Austin)
Eighteen
(to Number Two)
Sixteen
NUMBER TWO'S POV
GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the
Shoe and sees that the next card is a ten
NUMBER TWO
I'll stay
DEALER
(to Austin)
Sir?
Smugly, Austin puts on Vanessa's x-ray glasses
AUSTIN'S POV
GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear
But it is completely blurry
DEALER
(to Austin)
Sir?
VANESSA
(quietly)
What's wrong?
AUSTIN
(quietly, to Vanessa)
I can't see a bloody thing
VANESSA
Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're
Prescription X-ray glasses. I have
Very bad astigmatism
DEALER
Sir, the table is waiting
AUSTIN
(panicking)
Uh, hit me
The table MURMURS
DEALER
On an eighteen, sir?
AUSTIN
Yes, I also like to live dangerously
The dealer deals him the ten
NUMBER TWO
You're very brave
AUSTIN
Cards are not my bag, man. Allow
Myself to introduce...myself. My
Name is Ritchie Cunningham
Vanessa is mortified
AUSTIN
(indicating Vanessa)
This is my wife, Oprah
NUMBER TWO
My name is Number Two (indicating Italian woman) and
This is my Italian confidential
Secretary. Her name is Alotta... Alotta Fagina
AUSTIN
Come again?
ALOTTA
Alotta Fagina
AUSTIN
I'm just not getting it. It sounds like your
Name was a lot of...never mind
What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
NUMBER TWO
That's my business
AUSTIN
If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room. You keep your eye on the Italian bird. We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite..
Austin and Vanessa leave
INT. CASINO
VANESSA
Why did you leave so soon?
AUSTIN
That cat Number Two has an X-ray
Eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him
Man. Listen, we should go back to
The room, but first I have to go to
The naughty chair and see a man about
A dog
He heads to the rest room
INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO
Number Two has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON
INT. BATHROOM - CASINO
Austin enters to see a gregarious TEXAN in a huge cowboy
Hat. Austin enters a stall. The Texan enters the adjoining
Stall
TEXAN
Good luck, buddy. You don't buy
Food, you rent it
AUSTIN
Too right, youth
INT. BATHROOM STALL
Austin sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing
Patty O'Brien. His charm bracelet JINGLES. Austin looks
Back. Patty's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it
Around Austin's throat. Austin gets his thumbs between the
Wire and certain death
AUSTIN
(grunting)
Uh, uh!
INT. TEXAN'S STALL
The Texan can only see Austin's feet, which are moving about
Frantically. He can hear the
GRUNTING
TEXAN
Hey pardner, just relax, don't force
It! Use some creative visualization
INT. AUSTIN'S STALL
Austin GRUNTS and snaps his head back into Patty O'Brien's
Crotch. Patty O'Brien GROANS in agony
PATTY O'BRIEN
(groaning)
Ughhhhh...
Austin breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs Patty
O'Brien's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it
Hovers above the toilet bowl
AUSTIN
Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
INT. TEXAN'S STALL
TEXAN
That's right! Show that turd who's
Boss!
INT. AUSTIN'S STALL
AUSTIN
Who does Number Two work for?
PATTY O'BRIEN
(quietly, straining)
Go to hell
Austin drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We
Hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from Patty O'Brien
INT. TEXAN'S STALL
The Texan hears all of this, and is now concerned
INT. AUSTIN'S STALL
Austin reaches into Patty O'Brien's wallet. We see his Dr
Evil ID card and Alotta's Virtucon business card with her
Address
INT. BATHROOM
Austin is leaving his stall. The Texan can see Patty
O'Brien's dead body head-first in the toilet
TEXAN
Jesus Christ, what did you eat?
ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF AUSTIN'S STALL
Patty O'Brien's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms
Come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A second later, a blue diamond falls out
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: Love Power Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily
EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING
INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY
Vanessa is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos
And files on Dr. Evil, Virtucon, etc
In the background, through an open door, we see that Austin
Is asleep on the couch
VANESSA
(into phone)
Hello Mum?
INT. MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE - LONDON
An older Mrs. Kensington sits in her suburban English front room
MRS. KENSINGTON
(on phone)
Oh, hello Vanessa. How was the
Flight?
VANESSA (V.O.)
Great
MRS. KENSINGTON
How's Austin?
VANESSA (V.O.)
He's asleep
MRS. KENSINGTON
You didn't...
INT. HOTEL SUITE
VANESSA
Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the
Couch
In the background, we see Austin get off the couch. He is very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of flowers blocks his naughty bits from view
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I'm proud of you
VANESSA
Why?
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
Because you managed to resist Austin
Power's charms
Austin moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers. Right in the nick of time, Vanessa holds up a photo of Number Two and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts
VANESSA
Well, God knows he tried, but I've
Been rather firm with him, Mummy
You didn't tell me he was so obsessed
With sex. It's bizarre
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
You can't judge him by modern
Standards. He's very much a product
Of his times. In my day he could
Have any woman he wanted
VANESSA
What about his teeth?
SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE
MRS. KENSINGTON
You have to understand, in Britain
In the Sixties you could be a sex
Symbol and still have bad teeth. It
Didn't matter
VANESSA
I just don't see it
MRS. KENSINGTON
Just wait. Once Austin gets you in
His charms, it's impossible to get
Out
VANESSA
Did you ever...
MRS. KENSINGTON
Of course not. I was married to
Your father
VANESSA
Did you ever want to?
MRS. KENSINGTON
Austin is very charming, very
Debonair. He's handsome, witty, has
A knowledge of fine wines
Sophisticated, a world-renowned
Photographer. Women want hin, men
Want to be him. He's a lover of
Love&emdash; every bit an
International Man of Mystery
We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. Kensington WIPES off the screen
Austin re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. Vanessa holds up Austin's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera
VANESSA
You didn't answer my question, Mum
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I know. Let me just say this: Austin
Was the most loyal and caring friend
I ever had
I will always love him
AUSTIN (V.O.)
Good morning, luv, who are you on
The phone with?
VANESSA
(to her mother)
Do you want to talk to him?
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
No, it's been too long. Best to
Leave things alone
VANESSA
(to Austin)
I'm on with a friend!
(to her mother)
Look, I'd better go. I love you
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I love you, Vanessa
Vanessa hangs up. Austin enters wearing an "Austin Powers"
Robe
AUSTIN
Good morning, Vanessa! I hope you
Have on clean underwear
VANESSA
Why?
AUSTIN
We've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an evil doctor's appointment
EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY
THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS
We see a black limousine pull up in front. Random Task and
Another BODYGUARD exit the limo and secure the area
EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES
We see that the binoculars belong to Vanessa. She and Austin are on a stakeout. Austin's Jag is in the background.
VANESSA
A limousine has just pulled up
AUSTIN
Let me see
Austin pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens attached to his vintage camera
EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE
TELEPHOTO LENS POV
Two more BODYGUARDS leave the building and approach the limo
Number Two exits the building
Holding Mr. Bigglesworth, the hairless cat. He's not happy
About this, and has a scratch on his cheek
FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive
EXT. BUSHES
AUSTIN
Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's
Cat
VANESSA
How do you know?
AUSTIN
I never forget a pussy...cat
EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE
TELEPHOTO LENS POV
Number Two hands the hairless cat through limo's window
FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive
The limousine speeds off
EXT. BUSHES
VANESSA
Let's go get him!
AUSTIN
He's too well-protected right now
VANESSA
We can't just sit here, Austin
AUSTIN
Let me tell you a story. There's
These two bulls on top of a hill
Checking out some foxy cows in the
Meadow below. The young bull says
'hey, why don't we run down the hill
And shag us a cow?', and the wise
Old bull replies, 'no, why don't we
Walk down the hill and shag all the
Cows?'
VANESSA
I don't get it
AUSTIN
Well, you know...cows, and shagging
VANESSA
Unfortunately, while you told that
Stupid story, Dr. Evil has escaped
AUSTIN
No worries, luv. We'll just give
Basil a tinkle on the telling bone...
He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty
AUSTIN
My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly
Beautiful. Stay right where you
Are
Austin changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES
VANESSA
I hate having my picture taken
AUSTIN
You're crazy. The camera loves you
Vanessa
Vanessa does a few coy poses
AUSTIN
Go, Vanessa, go!
Vanessa lets go a little bit more
WHITE CYC
Austin and Vanessa are in the midst of a full professional
Photo shoot, and she's loving it
Austin begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her
Look, touching her hair
AUSTIN
Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout
For me Vanessa. Smashing! Crazy
Give me some shoulder
(pause)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods
No. Austin nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE
Of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than
The other
AUSTIN
Show me love. Yes!
(beat)
Smashing!
Vanessa is flanked by two buff MALE MODELS à la Madonna
AUSTIN
Great! Great! Smashing!
(beat)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(beat)
No! No!
Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips
(BEAT)
Going in very close now
He goes in closer
AUSTIN
Give me eyes
(closer)
Give me cornea
(closer)
Give me aqueous humour
(closer)
Coming in closer. Give me retina
Vanessa
(closer)
Even closer. Give me optic nerve
(beat)
Love it!
(beat)
And...done
He throws the camera down
AUSTIN
I'm spent. What say you we go out
On the town?
EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT
Austin and Vanessa are on the top deck of an open air double-
Decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner
They're drinking champagne
Austin is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding
His cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point
To which it's a speck. H puts it on the fork and offers it
To her
AUSTIN
Fancy a nibble?
VANESSA
I couldn't have another bite
They laugh. They drink. It's TOM JONES, serenading them
They begin to dance
Austin gives her roses. Austin is wooing her
EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT
They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying
Each other's company. Austin gives Vanessa a pet rock. She
Graciously accepts
64 LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE
Austin and Vanessa stroll against a changing series of
Backgrounds&emdash; neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls
Etc
INT. HOTEL ROOM
Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see Austin's backside sticking
Out above a piece of furniture, then Vanessa's high-heeled
Leg straining upwards
VANESSA (O.S.)
Watch out, you're on my hair!
AUSTIN (O.S.)
Sorry. Move your hand to the left
There you go. Gorgeous
VANESSA (O.S.)
Go! Just go!
We hear a SPINNING SOUND
AUSTIN (O.S.)
Left hand, blue
We now see that Austin and Vanessa are playing TWISTER. She
Reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing
AUSTIN
Wait a tick, I forgot something in
The lobby
(moving behind the
Couch)
I know what. I'll take the stairs
Behind the couch, Austin mimes going down stairs
AUSTIN
Maybe I'll take the escalator
Austin mimes the smooth descent of an escalator
AUSTIN
Why take the escalator when I could
Take a canoe?
Austin mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch
VANESSA
I haven't had fun like that since
College
AUSTIN
I'm sorry
VANESSA
Why?
AUSTIN
I'm sorry that bug up your ass had
To die
She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound
VANESSA
Always wanting to have fun, that's
You in a nutshell
AUSTIN
No, this is me in a nutshell
Austin mimes being trapped in a nutshell
AUSTIN
Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind
Of nut has such a big nutshell? How
Did I get into this bloody great big
Nutshell?
Vanessa laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy
AUSTIN
You're smashed, Vanessa
VANESSA
I am not
AUSTIN
Oh, yes you are
VANESSA
I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm
Always the designated driver
They are both on the bed. She looks at him. He looks at
Her. There is an awkward silence
She's about to kiss him, then he pulls away
AUSTIN
I can't. You're drunk
VANESSA
It's not that I'm drunk, I'm just
Beginning to see what my Mum was
Talking about
(pause)
What was my mother like back in the
Sixties? I'm dying to know
AUSTIN
(sentimental)
She was very groovy. She was so in
Love with your Dad. If there was
One
Other cat in this world that could have loved your Mum and
Treated her as well as you Dad did, it was me. But
Unfortunately for yours truly, that train has sailed
Austin hears SNORING. He looks over and sees Vanessa asleep
A distinctive PHONE RINGS and a
RED LIGHT FLASHES
Austin opens one of his funky suitcases to reveal a PICTURE
PHONE. It's Basil Exposition, on an airplane
BASIL EXPOSITION
(on the picture phone)
Hello, Austin, this is Basil
Exposition from British Intelligence
Thank you for confirming the link
Between Dr. Evil and Virtucon. Find
Out what part Virtucon plays in
Something called Project Vulcan
I'll need you and Vanessa to get on
That immediately
AUSTIN
Right away, Exposition
BASIL EXPOSITION
Where is Vanessa, by the way?
Austin looks over at Vanessa's sleeping figure
AUSTIN
She's working on another lead right
Now
BASIL EXPOSITION
Then you'll have to go it alone
Good luck
AUSTIN
Thank you, Basil
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...
AUSTIN
(knowing)
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Let me remind you that because of the unfreezing process you might experience flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation.
AUSTIN
Oh, yes. Thank you.
BASIL EXPOSITION
There's one more thing, Austin
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thank you.
Austin looks at Alotta's Virtucon business card
INT. ALOTTA'S JAPANESE STYLE PENTHOUSE
Austin is in a dark penthouse suite. Austin passes a piece
Of art that is very suggestive of the female anatomy
AUSTIN
Paging Dr. Freud
He goes over to a credenza where there is a briefcase. He
Opens it
FULL SCREEN - DOCUMENT
Austin's photographing the dossier with his miniature
Camera/pendant
AUSTIN
(photographing)
Give it to me baby. Super
We now see that the document outlines all of Virtucon's
Holdings in a flow-chart fashion
AUSTIN
Pout for me, luv. Smashing. Yes!
Yes! Yes! No! No!
One side of the chart is labeled "Secret Projects." Under
That we see "Human Organ Trafficking", "Carrot Top Movie"
And in CLOSE-UP&emdash; "Project Vulcan."
We see schematics for some sort of subterranean probe and a
Cross-section of the earth labeled "Crust, Mantel, Core."
AUSTIN
And I'm spent
The front door opens. It's Alotta
AUSTIN
You seem surprised to see me
ALOTTA
I thought you'd quit while you were
Ahead
AUSTIN
What, and watch all my earnings go...
(smug)
Down the toilet?
ALOTTA
What do you want, Mr...Cunningham
Was it?
AUSTIN
Call me Ritchie, Miss Fagina. May I
Call you Alotta...
(pause)
Please?
ALOTTA
You may
AUSTIN
Your boss, Number Two, I understand
That cat's involved in big underground
Drills
ALOTTA
Virtucon's main interest is in cable
Television, but they do have a
Subterranean construction division
Yes. How did you know?
AUSTIN
(smug)
I didn't, baby, you just told me
ALOTTA
It's for the mining industry, Mr
Cunningham. We can talk about
Business later. But first, let me
Slip into something more comfortable
AUSTIN
Behave!
MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by SÉRGIO MENDEZ AND BRAZIL '66
Alotta goes behind a Japanese screen. In silhouette she
Takes off her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens a pair
Of sliding doors to reveal an elaborate Japanese bath grotto
INT. JAPANESE BATH
She slips off her robe, revealing a DR. EVIL LOGO TATTOO on
Her shoulder, and enters the water
ALOTTA
Come in
AUSTIN
I'd rather talk about Number Two
ALOTTA
Don't you like girls, Mr. Cunningham?
Come in, and I'll show you everything
You need to know
Austin takes off his clothes. He is extremely hairy. He
Goes in. Alotta produces a soapy sponge and swims over
ALOTTA
May I wash you?
AUSTIN
Groovy
She washes his back. Behind his back, she pulls out his
Wallet and looks through it. ANGLE ON HIS IDENTIFICATION
It reads "AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY."
ANGLE ON HIS VARIOUS CARDS: CHARGEX, PLAYBOY CLUB, ETC
SHE PUTS HIS WALLET BACK IN HIS
Trousers
ALOTTA
In Japan, men come first and women
Come second
AUSTIN
Or sometimes not at all
ALOTTA
Care for some saki?
AUSTIN
Sak-i it to me!
Alotta pours them saki. Alotta unscrews the diamond in her
Ring. A sign on the inside of her ring reads "Relaxation
Pills." She drops two PILLS into his drink
Austin takes a sip. His eyes glaze over. He's instantly
Woozy
ALOTTA
How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?
AUSTIN
Mmmm...I feel extreme relaxation
A big BUBBLE comes to the surface, right in front of Austin
AUSTIN
(reciting poem)
'Pardon me for being rude, It was
Not me, it was my food
It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down
Below.'
ALOTTA
That's very clever. Do you know any
Other poems?
AUSTIN
(reciting in a lofty
Tone)
'Milk, milk, lemonade
Round the corner fudge is made
Stick your finger in the hole, And out comes a tootsie roll!'
ALOTTA
(genuinely moved)
Thank you, that's beautiful. To
Your health
AUSTIN
To my health
ALOTTA
Kiss me
They go to kiss. She notices HIS TERRIBLE TEETH, CLOSE-UP
ALOTTA
Do you mind if I ask you a personal
Question?
AUSTIN
Is it about my teeth?
ALOTTA
Yes
AUSTIN
Damn. What exactly do you do at
Virtucon?
ALOTTA
I'll tell you all in due time, after
We make love. But first, tell me
Another poem
AUSTIN
I think it was Wordsworth who penned
This little gem: 'Press the button
Pull the chain, out comes a chocolate
Choo-choo train.'
ALOTTA
Oh, you're very clever. Let's make
Love, you silly, hairy little man
She glides over to him
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat GRAPHIC:
The Party Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY
Dr. Evil, Number Two, and Frau Farbissina sit at the large
Conference table
DR. EVIL
Austin Powers is getting too close
He must be neutralized. Any
Suggestions?
FRAU FARBISSINA
Ya wohl&emdash; I mean, yes wohl
Herr Doctor. I have created the
Ultimate weapon to defeat Austin
Powers. Bring on the Fembots!
MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme THREE FEMBOTS enter. They
Are beautiful buxom multiracial girl/robots in Sixties clothes
And white go-go boots
DR. EVIL
Breathtaking, Frau. These automated
Strumpets are the perfect bait for
The degenerate Powers
FRAU FARBISSINA
These are the latest word in android
Replicant technology. Lethal
Efficient, brutal. And no man can
Resist their charms. Send in the
Soldiers!
SEVEN SOLDIERS come in. They are immediately attracted to
The FEMBOTS. They throw down their guns and come to the
Girls zombie-like
When they get within range, guns POP out of the Fembots'
Bras and begin FIRING, killing the guards
DR. EVIL
Quite impressive
FRAU FARBISSINA
Thank you, Herr Doctor
DR. EVIL
I like to see girls of that caliber
By caliber, I mean both the barrel
Size of their guns and the high
Quality of their character...Forget
It
SFX: 60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER
NUMBER TWO
That would be the video feed from
Kreplachistan
Dr. Evil and Number Two watch a large screen. We see stock
Footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of
RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS
In the front of a
Military vehicle
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, Phase One is complete
The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two
Begin! Patch us through to the United
Nations security secret meeting room
INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM
REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional
Garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are
Dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like JFK
The CANADIANS are dressed as Mounties. The ARABS are dressed
In ceremonial robes, etc
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil
They all look up at the SCREEN
DR. EVIL
In a little while, you'll find out
That the Kreplachistani warhead has
Gone missing. Well, it's in safe
Hands. If you want it back, you'll
Have to pay me...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
The UN representatives are confused. Number Two COUGHS
DR. EVIL
(frustrated)
Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!
The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves
UNITED NATIONS SECRETATY
Gentlemen, silence!
(to Dr. Evil)
NOW, MR. EVIL&EMDASH;
DR. EVIL
(angry)
Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six
Years in evil medical school to be
Called 'mister'
UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
Excuse me. Dr. Evil, it is the policy
Of the United Nations not to negotiate
With terrorists
DR. EVIL
Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen
You have five days to come up with
One
Hundred billion dollars. If you fail to do so, we'll set
Off the warhead and destroy the world
UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
You can't destroy the world with a
Single warhead
DR. EVIL
Really? So long.
The screen goes BLANK
DR. EVIL
(to evil associates)
Gentlemen, in exactly five days from now, we will be one-hundred billion dollars richer (laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha
(slightly louder) Ha-ha-ha-ha
EVIL ASSOCIATES
(laughing with him)
Ha-ha-ha-ha
DR. EVIL & ASSOCIATES
(LOUDER AND MORE STACCATO)
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(louder again, and even more evil and maniacal)
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(PAUSE)
Ohhhh, ahhhhhh...
(pause, quieter)
Ohhh, hmmmm
(pause, very quiet)
Hmn
There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should
Have FADED TO BLACK. The evil associates look around the
Room, not knowing what to do with themselves
DR. EVIL
Okay...Well...I think I'm going to watch some TV
EVIL ASSOCIATES
Okay. Sure
They exit the frame awkwardly
INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ
Austin and Vanessa enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN
There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks
Etc
We see Basil, dressed as the Vegas-era Elvis
AUSTIN
Hello, Exposition
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin, Vanessa, let me bring you up
To speed. Dr. Evil has high-jacked
A nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan
And is holding the world ransom for
One-hundred billion dollars. If the
World doesn't pay up in four days
He's threatening to destroy the world
AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition. Only two
Things, scare me, and one is nuclear
War
BASIL EXPOSITION
What's the other?
AUSTIN
Excuse me?
BASIL EXPOSITION
What's the other thing you're scared
Of?
AUSTIN
Carnies
BASIL EXPOSITION
What?
AUSTIN
Circus folk
(shudders)
Nomads, you know. They smell like
Cabbage
BASIL EXPOSITION
(suffering him)
Indeed...If we could get back to the
Business at hand. It's one thing to
Have a warhead, it's quite another
Thing to have the missiles to launch
It
AUSTIN
Maybe these photographs are the last
Piece of that puzzle
(hands him the photos)
I've uncovered the details on Project
Vulcan. It's a new subterranean
Warhead delivery system
BASIL EXPOSITION
Good God, and underground missile
We've long feared such a development
VANESSA
When did you find that out, Austin?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin did some reconnaissance work
At Alotta Fagina's penthouse last
Night
VANESSA
Oh
BASIL EXPOSITON
Our next move is to infiltrate
Virtucon. Any ideas?
VANESSA
Yes, Virtucon runs a tour of their
Facilities every hour. I suggest we
Pose as tourists and do site-level
Reconnaissance
BASIL EXPOSITION
Top drawer, Kensington. Oh, Austin
I want you to meet somebody
Basil waves to an extremely frail ELDERLY BRITISH LADY
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin, this is my mother, Mrs
Exposition. She's in from Tunbridge
Wells
In Kent. Can you believe, she's ninety-two years old?
Austin hauls off and PUNCHES the lady in the face
BASIL EXPOSITION
My God, Austin, what have you done?
AUSTIN
That's not your mother, that's a
Man!
Austin begins tugging on her hair
MRS. EXPOSITION
Owww...my hair!
BASIL EXPOSITION
Get away from my mother!
VANESSA
Austin, have you gone mad?
The two guards come over and help Mrs. Exposition to a cot
MRS. EXPOSITION
(through pain)
Who is that man? Why did he hit me?
BASIL EXPOSIION
Don't worry, mother. Lie down
Austin, you have a lot of explaining
To do
AUSTIN
I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was
A man
BASIL EXPOSITION
Damn it, man! You're talking about
My mother!
AUSTIN
You must admit, she is rather mannish
No offense, but if that's a woman
It looks like she's been beaten with
An ugly stick
VANESSA
Really, Austin!
AUSTIN
Look at her hands, baby! Those are
Carpenter's hands
BASIL EXPOSITION
All right, Austin, I think you should
Go
AUSTIN
I think if everyone were honest
They'd confess that the lady looks
Exactly like a man in drag
BASIL EXPOSITION
I'm leaving!
(pause)
Oh, and Austin?
AUSTIN
Yes, Basil?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful
AUSTIN
Thanks
Basil escorts his mother out
VANESSA
Austin, may I have a word with you?
AUSTIN
Of course, luv
VANESSA
Listen, I know I'm just being
Neurotic, but I can't shake this
Suspicious
Feeling about that Italian secretary, Ms. Fagina. I mean, I
Don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad
Relationships in the past, and I have some jealousy issues
You went to her penthouse. It makes me feel so small to
Give into these insecurities, but I can't help but feel this
Weird, irrational, unfocused...well, jealousy. I'm sorry
AUSTIN
Don't be sorry. You're right to be
Suspicious. I shagged her. I shagged
Her rotten
VANESSA
(stunned)
I can't believe you made love to her
Just like that. Did you use
Protection?
AUSTIN
Of course, I had my nine-millimeter
Automatic
VANESSA
No, did you use a condom?
AUSTIN
Only sailors use condoms, man
VANESSA
Not in the Nineties
AUSTIN
Well they should, filthy beggars
They go from port to port. Alotta
Meant nothing to me
VANESSA
(pause)
Well, it means something to me. If
You want us to have a relationship
You've got to be a one-woman man
AUSTIN
It was just a shag, Vanessa. You're
Everything to me
VANESSA
You just don't get it, do you, Austin?
Good night. Welcome to the Nineties
You're going to be very lonely
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
MUSIC: "What the World Needs Now" by BURT BACHARACH Austin
Looks at his address book. ANGLE ON THE PAGE: We see a
List of names crossed out, with
Comments written in beside them. Beside Jimi Hendrix we see "Deceased, Drugs"; Janis Joplin, "Deceased, Alcohol"; Mama Cass, "Deceased, Ham Sandwich".
Austin looks at his old pair of Sixties-era canvas sneakers
He picks up his new pair&emdash; REEBOK SHAQ CROSS-TRAINER
PUMPS. He pumps them too much and they explode
Austin looks out his window at the lonely city below. We
See the CDs he's just purchased, including SERGEANT PEPPER'S
And BURT BACHARACH'S GREATEST HITS
Austin goes over to the kitchenette and puts a can of unopened
Campbell's Tomato Soup in the microwave and turns it on. It
Explodes in a shower of sparks and soup
He puts the CD on a record player and drops the needle. The
NOISE is awful
Austin plays MORTAL COMBAT III. His fighter gets his head
Ripped off, and blood spews out
Austin is genuinely frightened by this
INT. BATHROOM
Austin attempts to use the Water Pik, but the head is too
Loose and water shoots all around the bathroom
EXT. CAR - STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT
Austin drives alone and sad against the rear-projection of
Las Vegas
INT. CASINO BAR - NIGHT
Austin drinks by himself while a gaggle of EIGHT CONTEMPORARY
YOUNG PEOPLE IN LOVE cavort. They look at him like he's a
Freak
Austin raises a bottle of ZIMA as if to say "hey, I'm down
With that". They shoot him sarcastic peace signs. Austin
Is pleased
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Austin sits watching the TIME-LIFE The Last Thirty Years
Video on TV. Vanessa enters
AUSTIN
Hello, luv
VANESSA
Thirty years of political and social
Upheaval. The fall of the Berlin
Wall, a female Prime Minister of
England, the abolishment of Apartheid
A fascinating tapestry of human strum
Und drang
AUSTIN
Yeah, I can't believe Liberace was
Gay. Women loved him, man. I didn't
See that one coming
VANESSA
Basil was very concerned to know
Where you were last night
AUSTIN
Out and about, doing odds and sods
VANESSA
I'll tell him. By the way, I've
Decided we should keep our
Relationship strictly professional
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY
We're in the middle of a group therapy session, containing
Six or seven FATHERS with their teenage SONS. It is
Emotionally charged. A lot of pained expressions and coffee
In Styrofoam cups
SON 1
(crying)
I love you, Dad
DAD 1
I love you, Son
They hug. Everyone APPLAUDS. We see Dr. Evil and Scott
THERAPIST
That was great, Mr. Keon, Dave
Thank you. OK, group, we have two
New member. Say hello to Scott and
His father, Mr....Ehville?
DR. EVIL
Evil, actually, Doctor Evil
GROUP
Hello, Dr. Evil. Hello, Scott
SCOTT EVIL
(into it)
Hello, everybody
THERAPIST
So, Scott, why don't we start with
You. Why are you here?
SCOTT EVIL
Well, it's kind of weird
THERAPIST
We don't judge here
SCOTT EVIL
OK. Well, I just really met my Dad
For the first time three days ago
He was partially frozen for thirty
Years. I never knew him growing up
He comes back and now he wants me to
Take over the family business
THERAPIST
And how do you feel about that?
SCOTT EVIL
I don't wanna take over the family
Business
DR. EVIL
But Scott, who's going to take over
The world when I die?
SCOTT EVIL
Not me
THERAPIST
What do you want to do, Scott?
SCOTT EVIL
I don't know. I was thinking, maybe
I'd be a vet or something, cause I
Like animals and stuff
DR. EVIL
An evil vet?
SCOTT EVIL
No. Maybe, like, work in a petting
Zoo or something
DR. EVIL
An evil petting zoo?
SCOTT EVIL
(shouting)
You always do that!
(calm)
Anyways, this is really hard, because
You know, my Dad is really evil
THERAPIST
We don't label people here, Scott
SCOTT EVIL
No, he's really evil
THERAPIST
Scott
DR. EVIL
No, the boy's right. I really am
Evil
THERAPIST
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're
Here, that's what's important. A
Journey of a thousand miles begins
With one step
SCOTT EVIL
I just think, like, he hates me. I
Really think he wants to kill me
THERAPIST
OK, Scott, no one really wants to
"kill" anyone here. They say it
But they don't mean it
The group LAUGHS
DR. EVIL
Actually, the boy's quite astute. I
Am trying to kill him. My Evil
Associates have cautioned against
It, so here he is, unfortunately
Alive
THERAPIST
We've heard from Scott, now let's
Hear from you
DR. EVIL
The details of my life are quite
Inconsequential
THERAPIST
That's not true, Doctor. Please
Tell us about your childhood
GROUP
Yes, of course. Go ahead, etc
DR. EVIL
Very well, where should I begin? My
Father was a relentlessly self-
Improving boulangerie owner from
Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy
And a penchant for buggery. My mother
Was a fifteen-year-old French
Prostitute named Chloe with webbed
Feet. My father would womanize, he
Would drink, he would make outrageous
Claims, like he invented the question
Mark. Sometimes he would accuse
Chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of
General malaise that only the genius
Possess and the insane lament. My
Childhood was typical
Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make
Meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap
Bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the
Age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the
Age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically
Shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shawn
Scrotum. At the age of eighteen, I went off to evil medical
School. From there...
ANGLE ON THE THERAPIST AND THE GROUP. They are stunned
PSYCHEDELC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: Sock It To Me Austin and the go-go girl dance
Crazily
EXT. VIRTUCON HIGH RISE - NEXT MORNING
INT. HALLWAY - VIRTUCON
A TOUR is in progress. Austin, Vanessa, and other TOURISTS
Ride on an electric tram
AUSTIN
Since I've been unfrozen, I've had a
Rancid taste in my mouth. Do you
Have a piece of gum?
VANESSA
(in her own world)
Do you think she's prettier than I?
AUSTIN
Who?
VANESSA
You know who
AUSTIN
No! Don't lay your hang-ups on me
Vanessa. You're being very trippy
VANESSA
I'm looking at you, and the whole
Time I can't help thinking you had
Your willie inside her hootchie-kooch
AUSTTIN
Well put. Listen love, we can't
Keep having this fight. I'm an
International Man of Mystery
Sometimes in the course of my work
To save the world I have to shag
Some crumpet. It's all part of the
Job
TOUR GUIDE
Welcome to Virtucon, the company of
The future
(pointing to large
Display window)
Virtucon is a leading manufacturer
Of many items you'll find right in
Your own home. We make steel
Volatile chemicals, petroleum-based
Products, and we also own the Franklin
Mint, which makes decorative hand-
Painted theme plates for collectors
(holds up plate)
Some plates, like the Gone With The
Wind series, have gone up in value
As much as two-hundred and forty
Percent, but, as with any investment
There is some risk involved
The people on the tour APPLAUD
TOUR GUIDE
Coming up on the left, we have the
Virtucon gift shop, offering a wide
Range of Virtucon licensed products
On the right, you'll notice a door
That leads to a restricted area
Only authorized personnel are allowed
Beyond that point
INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA
All the tourists head for the gift shop. Austin notices a
SEVEN-FOOT-TALL SCIENTIST leaving the "RESTRICTED AREA" with
A FOUR-HUNDRED-POUND FEMALE SCIENTIST. They both wear
Virtucon coveralls
AUSTIN
I'll take him, you take her
The seven-foot-tall male scientist goes to the men's room;
The four-hundred-pound woman goes to the ladies room. Austin
And Vanessa follow
We hear from inside either washroom the sound of PEOPLE BEING
KNOCKED OUT
Austin and Vanessa exit wearing the scientists' coveralls
Over their clothes. Magically, the coveralls fit perfectly
They go through the doors into the restricted area
INT. HALLWAY - RESTRICTED AREA
They approach the security GUARD
VANESSA
Austin, we don't look anything like
Our photo badges
AUSTIN
Don't worry, baby. I picked up a
Mind control technique during my
Travels to India. I learned it from
My guru, the late Guru Shastri, a
Chaste man who mysteriously died of
A disease that had all the hallmarks
Of syphilis
Just watch me. Watch me, now
They reach the guard
GUARD
Hi, folks. You're entering a
Restricted zone. Can I see your
Security badges?
AUSTIN
Sure
They deliver their security badges to the guard. The two people look nothing like Austin and Vanessa
GUARD
There seems to be some kind of problem
ANGLE ON AUSTIN, WHO's REMOVED HIS GLASSES. WE PUSH IN SLOWLY AS AUSTIN CONCENTRATES
RAISING ONE EYEBROW AND THEN THE
Other, back and forth
MUSIC: Mystical Indian sitar
AUSTIN
(hypnotist-like)
Everything seems to be in order
GUARD
(trance-like, in
Austin's English
Accent)
Everything seems to be in order
VANESSA
That's fantastic. Let's go!
Austin again does his mind control trick
AUSTIN
(mind-controlling)
I'm going to go across the street
And get you some orange sherbert
GUARD
I'm going to go across the street
And get you some orange sherbert
VANESSA
(irritated)
Austin, we have to go!
Austin again does his mind control trick
AUSTIN
Here, have a piece of gum
GUARD
(in trace)
Here, have a piece of gum
He hands Austin a piece of gum
AUSTIN
Don't mind if I do
Austin and Vanessa walk away. They come to a door marked "PROJECT VULCAN -
TOP SECRET." They walk through
INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM
Inside, SCIENTISTS wearing head-to-toe radiation suits
Surround and inspect a huge diamond-encrusted drill bit
SCIENTIST
This is the strongest, sharpest drill
Bit ever produced by man. It weighs
Fifteen metric tones and can bore
Through a mile-thick bedrock of solid
Granite in seven seconds
INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA - TOUR TRAM
A SECURITY GUARD and the tour guide take a head count. They
Notice Austin and Vanessa's empty seats on the tram. The
Guard speaks into his walkie-talkie
INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM
SFX: ALARM GOES OFF
ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Attention, there are intruders in
The complex
All the radiation suited scientists turn to look at Austin and Vanessa
SCIENTIST
Get them!
The scientist approach. Austin knocks two of them out cold with judo chops
AUSTIN
Judo chop! Judo chop!
Vanessa knocks two of them out using roundhouse kicks
SECURITY GUARDS flood into the room from the hallway. Austin
And Vanessa take off through another side door which reads
"VIRTUCON
STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY."
INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY
It is a room the size of a large gymnasium overseen by a
Large observation booth. Six STEAMROLLER go around a test
Track very slowly
Austin and Vanessa hide behind one of the slowly moving
Steamrollers. Security guards enter the facility and begin
Fanning out in a search
AUSTIN
Our only way out of here is to drive
Out!
They climb up the back of a steamroller, KNOCK OUT the DRIVER
Push him off, and assume the controls
P.A. (O.S.)
There they are!
Two SECURITY GUYS jump on either side of the steamroller
Vanessa wrestles the machine gun off on and pushes him away
Austin punches the other one off
AUSTIN
Hang on! I'm going to floor it!
He engages a lever. It goes only slightly faster
TWO SECURITY GUARDS jump in front of the steamroller. They
Are acting like they're frozen, ad if in the headlights of a
Fast-approaching car
GUARD
Noooooooooooooo!
AUSTIN
Where did you learn to shoot?
VANESSA
Where did you learn to drive?
ANGLE ON THE GUARDS. ONE OF THE GUYS JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY
AS IF "IN THE NICK OF TIME." THE
Steamroller is now 8 yards away. The other army guy is still
Frozen in the path of the oncoming steamroller
GUARD
Noooooooooooooo!
VANESSA
Austin, watch out!
AUSTIN
(looking around)
Where? Where?
ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE'S BATHED IN THE HEADLIGHTS OF THE
STEAMROLLER, WHICH IS STILL 3 YARDS
Away
GUARD
Noooooooooooooo!
ANGLE ON AUSTIN AND VANESSA. AUSTIN IS FRANTICALLY JERKING
THE STEERING WHEEL AND TRYING TO
Downshift. SFX: Metal grinds. The shifter breaks off along
With a gaggle of wares. He desperately jams on the breaks
ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE IS FINALLY RUN OVER BY THE
STEAMROLLER...
INT. KITCHEN - SUBURBAN HOUSE - LOS ANGELES
... and then we see a rolling pin over some pie dough.A pleasant-looking LADY is doing this, and we hear a PHONE RINGING. She answers.
HOUSEWIFE
Hello?
EXT HOUSE
It is a pleasant, Marcus Welby-like ranch-style house. A kid arrives with his bike, and enters.
HOUSEWIFE (VO)
(pause)
Yes, this is Mrs. Harwin.
(pause)
INT Kitchen
MRS. HARWIN
Yes, my husband is a henchman In Dr. Evil's Private Army.
Cut to a framed picture of the just-crushed henchman in his uniform.
MRS. HARWIN
(pause)
What?
(pause)
Oh my God. Thank you for calling
She HANGS UP. The kid enters, opens the fridge.
FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD
Hi Mom!
MRS. HARWIN
Sit down, Billy, I have some bad news. Your stepfather was run over by a steamroller
BILLY
But mom, since Dad left, Steve's been like a father to me!
He hugs her, crying.
MRS. HARWIN
People never think how things affect the family of the henchman.
INT. HALLWAY
Austin and Vanessa run out the door. They run out into the hallway.
VANESSA
Thank God, Austin, we made it.
AUSTIN
Allright. Stay very cool, baby.
From behind, Random Task bumps their heads together, they fall unconscious.
EXT. VEGAS - HIGHWAY
We see a Virtucon electric minivan humning along
INT. BACK OF ELECTRIC MINIVAN
Austin and Vanessa are unconscious
EXT. HIGHWAY
The electric minivan turns onto a dirt road that leads to a
Boulder
EXT. DESERT - BOULDER
The boulder lifts up and the minivan drives into it
INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL
The minivan enters a long cylindrical tunnel
INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR
The minivan is being lowered on a high-speed elevator
INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER
VIRTUCON ARMY MEMBERS keep watch. SCIENTISTS check
Clipboards
DR. EVIL
Frau Farbissina, check on our guests
The electric minivan pulls up right next to the immense table
All the evil associates are present. Dr. Evil squeezes a
Tennis ball repeatedly. Frau Farbissina opens the rear hatch
Of the minivan and pulls out Austin and Vanessa
DR. EVIL
Welcome to my underground lair, Mr
Powers. Mrs. Kensington's daughter
How lovely. I believe your name is
Vanessa? I'd shake your hands, except
For obvious reasons
VANESSA
I don't understand
DR. EVIL
My hand, dammit! Look at it!
AUSTIN
What's wrong with your hand?
DR. EVIL
Don't try to suck up to me! It's a
Little late for that. I'm a freak!
Look at it, it's been rendered useless
He moves his arm around to show them, but it's virtually
Normal, just slightly aged
AUSTIN
I'm sorry, baby, I'm just not grocking
Your head space
DR. EVIL
Oh forget it. As a fellow player on
The international stage, Mr. Powers
I'm sure you'll enjoy watching the
Curtain fall on the third and final
Act
A large telescreen comes on, showing the United Nations Secret
Meeting Room
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan
He presses a button on his chair panel. A giant canvas falls
Unveiling an ultra-high tech diamond-bladed subterranean
Bore&emdash; the VULCAN. It is rather phallic
AUSTIN
(under his breath to
Vanessa)
Does that make you horny?
VANESSA
(under her breath)
Not now, Austin
DR. EVIL
The world's most powerful subterranean
Drill
INT. UNITED NATIONS SECRET MEETING ROOM
ON SCREEN: Stock footage of volcanoes erupting and animated
Charts of magma squirting through the Earth's layers
DR. EVIL
(voice over)
So powerful it can penetrate the
Earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton
Nuclear warhead into the planet's
Hot liquid core. Upon detonation
Every volcano on the planet will
Erupt
The various representatives are ABUZZ. Behind the British
Delegation sits Basil Exposition. To his right, sits Mrs
Exposition with a hideous BLACK EYE
AMERICAN UN REPRESENTATIVE
Why should we pay him the money?
He's only got one warhead and he's
Going to detonate it deep underground
BASIL EXPOSITION
(the light shifts
Towards dramatic as
He speaks)
My God, man, don't you understand?
It won't just be active volcanoes
Inactive ones will erupt as well
Seven-eighths of the Earth's land
Mass will be deluged with hot magma
Tectonic plates will shift, causing
Massive earthquakes. Imagine no
United Kingdom. Think of it, no
Cricket, no tea, no freshly toasted
Crumpets smothered with Devonshire
Clotted cream, the diving mystery of
Stonehenge. Imagine severing forever
The continuity of Britannic majesty
The demise of this sceptered isle
This jewel, this England...
BRITISH UN REPRESENTATIVE
Any word from Powers?
BASIL EXPOSITION
(back to normal)
I'm afraid we've lost contact with
Him
BRITISH UN REPRESENTATIVE
I see
UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
Dr. Evil, it seems we have no choice
But to pay your ransom
INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, your deadline is in three
Hours. You have your instructions
Good-bye
The screen goes BLACK
DR. EVIL
Come join us for dinner, won't you
Mr. Powers?
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS
Austin and Vanessa are seated at a table with Frau. WAITERS
Serve food
MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme
DR. EVIL
I think you'll enjoy the food. I
Have the best chef in the world
His name is Ezekial. He's made of
Seventy-five percent plastic
Scott enters
DR. EVIL
Scott my boy, come here. How was
Your day?
SCOTT EVIL
Well, me and a buddy went to the
Video arcade in town and, like, they
Don't speak English right, and so my
Buddy gets into a fight, and he goes
'hey, quit hassling me cause I don't
Speak French or whatever', and the
Other guy goes something in Paris
Talk, and I go 'um, just back off'
And he goes 'get out' and I go 'make
Me'
DR. EVIL
(trying to hide
Contempt)
Fascinating. What are your plans
For this evening?
SCOTT EVIL
Thought I'd stay in. There's a good
Tittie movie on Skinemax
DR. EVIL
And that's how you want to live your
Life, is it?
SCOTT EVIL
Yeah. What?
ANGLE ON A PANEL OF BUTTONS THAT HAS EVERYONE'S NAMES ON IT
DR. EVIL'S HAND HOVERS OVER THE
Button labeled "SCOTT." Frau Farbissina slaps his hand away
DR. EVIL
Scott, I want you to meet Daddy's
Nemesis, Austin Powers
SCOTT EVIL
Why are you feeding him? Why don't
You just kill him?
DR. EVIL
In due time
SCOTT EVIL
But what if he escapes? Why don't
You just shoot him? What are you
Waiting for?
DR. EVIL
I have a better idea. I'm going to
Put him in an easily-escapable
Situation involving an overly-
Elaborate and exotic death
SCOTT EVIL
Why don't you just shoot him now?
Here, I'll get a gun. We'll just
Shoot him. Bang! Dead. Done
DR. EVIL
One more peep out of you and you're
Grounded. Let's begin
A PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIER grabs Austin and Vanessa. Dr. Evil
Hits a button. One whole wall slides out to reveal a tank
DR. EVIL
Mr. Powers, Vanessa, some friends of
Mine are joining us for dinner
They're quite delighted you'll be part of the meal
The soldier takes Austin and Vanessa to the tank and puts
Them in the dipping mechanism
AUSTIN
Dr. Evil, do you really expect them
To pay?
DR. EVIL
No, Mr. Powers, I expect them to
Die. Even after they pay me the
Money, I'm still going to melt all
The cities of the world with hot
Magma
DR. EVIL
Release the sharks!Mr. Powers, all the sharks have had laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
NUMBER TWO
(clearing his throat nervously)
Dr. Evil?
DR. EVIL
Yes, what is it? You're interrupting my moment of triumph
NUMBER TWO
It's about the sharks. Since you were frozen, they've been placed on the Endangered Species List. We tried to get some, but it will take months to clear up the red tape
DR. EVIL
(disappointed)
You know, I have one simple request... and that is to have sharks... with fricking laser beams attached to their heads!
Evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me... that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for?
Honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have?
NUMBER TWO
Sea bass.
DR. EVIL
Right.
NUMBER TWO
They're mutated sea bass.
DR. EVIL
Really? Are they ill-tempered?
NUMBER TWO
Absolutely.
DR. EVIL
That's a start.
(to guard)
All right, guard, begin the Unnecessarily Slow-Moving Dipping
Mechanism.
The guard do so. Austin and Vanessa begin to descend slowly
Towards the surface of the water
DR. EVIL
Close the tank!
SCOTT EVIL
Aren't you going to watch them?
They'll get away!
DR. EVIL
No, we'll leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, and we'll just assume it all went to plan.
SCOTT EVIL
I have a gun in my room. Give me five seconds, I'll come back and blow their brains out.
DR. EVIL
No Scott. You just don't get it, do you?
You don't.
It's no hassle.
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
Let me tell you a little story
about a man named shh!"
Even before you start,
that was a preemptive shh!"
Just know I have a whole bag
of shh" with your name on it.
Dr. Evil presses a button; the wall closes back over the
Tank
INT. TANK AREA
Austin and Vanessa slowly descend towards the water. They
Can see the WATER BUBBLING beneath them, and a sea bass jumps by them.
VANESSA
What's your plan?
AUSTIN
First, I plan to soil myself... then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan. Any thoughts?
VANESSA
Wait a minute. I always have this with me, just in case.
She pulls out a container of dental floss.
AUSTIN
All right, I get it. I have bad teeth.
VANESSA
No, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge.
AUSTIN
All right. Hold on.
Austin takes the container and throws it to an upward pipe. It wraps around like a grappling hook.
AUSTIN
All right, toothpaste!
Vanessa places a tube of toothpaste in his hand. Meanwhile
The guard is reaching to undo the floss. Austin places the
Open tube on his palm, aimed at the guard. Vanessa WHISTLES
At the guard loudly. He turns around
AUSTIN
Judo chop!
Austin JUDO CHOPS the toothpaste tube, sending a stream of
Toothpaste into the guard's eyes
GUARD
(screaming, rubbing
His eyes)
My eyes! My eyes!
Austin folds the tube across the top of the wire, grabbing
Both ends
AUSTIN
Hold on, Vanessa!
She grabs onto him and they slide down the floss to safety
Right as the dipping mechanism goes under the water
Meanwhile, the guard waits for them with toothpaste smeared
All over his face
He and Austin STRUGGLE
The guard manages to get Austin pinned to the ground, Austin's
Head dangling over the water. SEA BASS circle. The water boils, dangerously close to Austin's head.
VANESSA
(shouting)
Austin, watch out!
Austin FLIPS the guard over. The SEA BASS chew the guard's head off like a blender.
AUSTIN
Not a good time to lose one's head.
VANESSA
Indeed.
AUSTIN
That's not the way to get ahead in life.
VANESSA
No
AUSTIN
It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
VANESSA
OK, that will do.
AUSTIN
OK.
They head out a door. ANGLE ON THE HEADLESS TORSO. The name tag reads "JOHN SMITH."
EXT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT - DAY
It is a sports bar-type restaurant that has scantily clad
BUSTY WAITRESSES
INT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT
At a table we see fifteen or so TWENTY-SOMETHING GUYS
Scouting chicks, drinking mugs of beer
GUY 1
I can't believe John Smith is getting married tomorrow!
GUY 2
Where is Smittie anyways? It's not like him to be late for anything.Especially his own stag party.
GUY 3
Well, you know he's a henchman for Dr. Evil. Sometimes they work late. Can I just say something that may sound a little sappy? I think it's such a testament to our friend John that
so many of his buddies showed up to honor him. There's a lot of love in this room.
They cheer and clink their glasses.
A large-breasted WAITRESS approaches.
WAITRESS
Hi, I have a phone call here for the John Smith party.
GUY 1
I'll get it.
Guy 1 is at the phone.
GUY 1
He's dead?
(pause)
Decapitated by an ill-tempered mutated sea bass?
(pause, as he gets sadder)
Yes. OK.
He hangs up and walks back to the table.
GUY 2
What's wrong? Was that John? Is he coming late?
GUY 1
John Smith is not coming
GUY 2
Why not?
GUY 1
He was decapitated by an ill-tempered mutated sea bass.
GUYS
(upset)
Oh no, oh my God, etc
GUY 1
All right, to Smittie!
Everyone raises their glasses
GUYS
To Smittie!
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: Out of Sight Austin and the go-go girl dance
Crazily
INT. CORRIDOR
Austin and Vanessa drive a Dr. Evil golf cart down a brightly-
Lit, narrow corridor to a doorway marked "Emergency Exit."
VANESSA
What do we do now?
AUSTIN
We've got a freaked out square and
World annihilation is his bag. You
Go get help. I'm gonna stay here
And keep an eye on the bad Doctor
VANESSA
I'm not going anywhere. We're a
Team
AUSTIN
Too right, youth. That's why I need
You to lead the troops
VANESSA
I'll hurry back
AUSTIN
Listen, Vanessa, whatever happens, I just want you to know that I feel bad about shagging that Italian girl I had a sip of sake and all of the sudden, I don't know what happened
The whole time I was shagging Her&emdash; I mean really shagging Her, I mean it was crazy, I was like A huge mechanical piston, in and Out, IN and OUT!&emdash;
VANESSA
(cutting him off)
Austin, what's your point?
AUSTIN
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that if you want me to be a one-woman Man, well, that's just groovy Because...I love you
VANESSA
Oh, behave!
Vanessa goes out the door
INT. LADDER
Vanessa starts climbing up the ladder
INT. CORRIDOR
Austin tries to turn the cart around in the narrow corridor
He begins a twenty-seven point turn
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS
Dr. Evil, Scott and the evil associates finish dinner
DR. EVIL
Come, everyone, let us repair to the
Main chamber. Project Vulcan is
About to begin. Scott, are you
Coming?
SCOTT EVIL
I don't want to
DR. EVIL
Don't you want to see what Daddy
Does for a living?
SCOTT EVIL
(under his breath)
Blow me
DR. EVIL
What did you say?
SCOTT EVIL
Show me
They all go towards a giant door with the radiation symbol
Painted on it
INT. CORRIDOR
Austin's still trying to turn the cart around. PULL BACK TO
REVEAL&emdash; The cart is completely wedged perpendicularly
In the corridor. Austin jumps out and starts
Running down the hall. Austin comes to a T in the hall and
Goes around the corner. He sees two GUARDS and ducks into a
Door
INT. FEMBOT LAIR
Inside are SEVEN FEMBOTS lounging in various seductive poses
On Sixties furniture&emdash; egg chairs, trapezes, round
Furry bed, etc
MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme
AUSTIN
Hello, hello
FEMBOT
Hello, Mr. Powers, care to have a
Little fun?
AUSTIN
(looking at his watch)
No, actually, I have to save the world.
He runs towards to door to exit. Suddenly, A PAIR OF FEMALE
LEGS drop and wrap around Austin's neck and lift him up
His feet leave the floor
Another FEMBOT cartwheels up to Austin. Nozzles pop out of
The tips of the Fembot's bra
AUSTIN
Is it cold in here?
A cloud of multicolored gas spews from the nozzles. Austin
Is overcome. The room starts to spin
INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER - CONTROL AREA
Dr. Evil sits into his chair with his radiation suit on
DR. EVIL
Arm the probe!
A small electric flatbed comes in carrying the nuclear
Warhead. A PHALANX of Dr. Evil's soldiers run beside it
The cart approaches the subterranean probe and the warhead
Is loaded up into its tail
INT. FEMBOT'S LAIR
Austin is on the bed being held down by the Fembots
Psychedelic music plays. Projected colored swirling lights
Flash. The Fembots swirl around seductively
AUSTIN
(delirious)
I've got to get Dr. Evil!
(eyes closed, fingers In his ears)
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold Day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a Cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked On a cold day!
INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER
The (very phallic) Vulcan droops to its down position
DR. EVIL
Probe in place
TECHNICIANS in "VIRTUCON" lab coats scurry about, being
Technical
DR. EVIL
Five minutes to go. Let the
Penetration countdown begin
Dr. Evil presses a button marked "PENETRATION BEGIN." Next
To it is a large button that says "ABORT." ANGLE ON AN
EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN at a microphone
EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN
(on PA, very slowly
With very thick accent)
Five minutes and COUN-ting
EXT. DESERT
Vanessa leads fifteen COMMANDOS on ATCs across the sand
INT. FEMBOT LAIR
Two Fembots guard the door and five are on the bed in come-
Hither poses
FEMBOTS
You can't resist us, Mr. Powers! Eventually you'll give in!
AUSTIN
Au contraire, I think you can't resist me!
MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme Austin starts his seductive
Dance. He does a quick head count of the Fembots, reaches
Out of frame, pulls out eight cigarettes, put them in his
Mouth and lights them with a blowtorch
He throws seven cigarettes one by one. Each cigarette lands
Perfectly in a different Fembot's mouth. Austin smokes the
Remaining cigarette
Austin begins to do a seductive striptease. The Fembots are
Aroused. He takes off his shirt, revealing his hairy chest
And focuses his sexual energy on one Fembot
She begins to shake violently, her head shaking back and
Forth like in Jacob's Ladder
Eventually her head explodes. Austin is now stripped down
To his Union Jack bikini briefs and
Turns to another Fembot. Her head explodes
He takes off his shoes and throws them away cavalierly
Then he tosses down his lit cigarette and grinds it with his
Bare foot. He gives a look of disguised pain
He mouths "I love you" to another Fembot. Her head explodes
He does the 'I'll call you' hand signal to yet another Fembot
Whose head explodes
Austin does a hip-thrust to another and her head explodes
Austin leans over and wags his rump to the two remaining
Fembots
AUSITN
Oh, I fell over
Their heads explode simultaneously. All the Fembots are
Lying on the floor, smoking. Just then, Vanessa enters
Flanked by a COUPLE OF COMMANDOS. She surveys the scene and
Looks at Austin in his briefs. She's hurt. The commandos
Salute Austin
AUSTIN
It's not what it looks like, Vanessa
(to the commandos)
At ease, boys
VANESSA
(glancing down)
Likewise
AUSTIN
I can explain. They attacked me
Gas came out of her...well, and then
They...and I...
VANESSA
I believe you, Austin. Let's go
AUSTIN
Hold on a tick, let me put on my
Togs
INT. MAIN CHAMBER
Austin and Vanessa lead FIFTEEN COMMANDOS into the chamber
And GUNFIRE breaks out. Two CATWALKS run the length of the
Chamber, meeting at the door to the control area
The commandos split into two groups and lob grenades at the
PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS who are guarding the stairs leading to
The catwalks. They go flying
INT. CONTROL AREA
The ALARM goes off
DR. EVIL
Activate the blast shutters!
Metal shutters automatically cover the windows overlooking
The probe mechanism
DR. EVIL
Launch the subterranean probe!
The giant probe engine begins to throb and whirl. The tip
Of the spinning probe suddenly strikes the floor of the
Chamber and burrows into the earth with atomic force. Smoke
And debris explode upwards. The entire chamber quakes
Violently&emdash; eight on the Richter scale
EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN
We have penetration. Subterranean
Detonation&emdash; two minutes and
COUN-ting
INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER
Austin, Vanessa, and three commandos are pinned down behind
Several VIRTUCON BARRELS
INT. CATWALK
Another FOUR GUARDS block their way. Austin goes to shoot
But he's out of bullets
SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA
Austin and Vanessa run along the
Catwalk towards the control room
They're directly in the path of TEN
CHARGING PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS
AUSTIN
Follow me! We're going to have to
Jump over the rail!
VANESSA
Are you crazy?
AUSTIN
Don't worry!
ANGLE ON SIDE SHOT OF CATWALK
They continue to run towards the guards behind some STACKED
BARRELS. Two OBVIOUS STUNT DOUBLES run out from behind the
Barrels in a continuous motion instead of Austin and Vanessa
And diver over the rail
ANGLE ON THE OTHER TEAM OF COMMANDOS
They are making progress on the other catwalk
ANGLE ON AUSTIN AND VANESSA
They have landed safely, but are surrounded by FIVE PRIVATE
ARMY SOLDIERS, armed to the teeth&emdash;
One has a bazooka, one has a flamethrower, one has a Gatling
Gun, etc. They see Austin and throw down their weapons
Pulling out KNIVES
One of the private soldiers runs at Austin and he stabs him
Another soldier runs at Austin, and Austin also stabs him
A third private army soldier runs at Austin. Austin does
The stabbing motion
SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA
AUSTIN
Blast! Out of ammo
Vanessa unleashes a series of kicks, knocking them all out
INT. CONTROL ROOM
Austin begins to enter
VANESSA
Austin, I'm coming with you
AUSTIN
I'm going it alone this time, Vanessa
I have a follow-up visit with the
Evil Doctor
VANESSA
I'll secure the perimeter
INT. CONTROL AREA
Austin enters the control area. A VIRTUCON ARMY MAN fires
At him. Austin returns fires, shooting up some electrical
Equipment. Live wires dangle dangerously. Austin sees Mr
Bigglesworth running out a read door
DR. EVIL (O.S.)
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!
Austin heads for the door until he smacks into AN INVISIBLE
FORCE FIELD. He turns and sees a bank of old-fashioned
Computers labeled "DESTRUCTACON 5000"
DESTRUCTACON (V.O.)
Good afternoon, Mr. Powers, I'm the
Destructacon 5000. I'm programmed
To prevent you from progressing beyond
This point. You might as well
Surrender. Resistance is futile
Your odds of survival are 23,763,273
To
AUSTIN
Well, Destructacon 5000, you have
Quite a head on your shoulders, I
Dare to coin
DESTRUCTACON (V.O.)
Yes, I am programmed to answer any
Question
AUSTIN
Really? Let me ask you this. What
Is love?
DESTRUCTACON (V.O.)
That does not compute
AUSTIN
Why not? It's a question
DESTRUCTACON (V.O.)
Love is...love is...love is...
The computers begin to smoke. Alarm bells ring
DESTRUCTACON (V.O.)
Remjack! Remjack!
(singing)
Daisy, Daisy...
(faster)
Remjackremjackremjack!
There is a muffled explosion. The computer goes dark. Austin
Passes through the force field and heads for the door until
He hears&emdash;
EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN
(on PA)
Subterranean detonation&emdash; one minute and COUN-ting
He begins looking furiously for the abort button
AUSTIN
(to Eastern European Man)
Where's the abort button?
The Eastern European Man holds up his finger as if to say
'give me one second.'
EASTERN EUROPEAN MEAN
(on PA)
Forty-five seconds and COUN-ting
(to Austin)
It's right over there
Austin sees the abort button. It is across the room.
Austin makes his way across the room to the button
EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN
(on PA)
Fifteen seconds and COUN-ting
Random task blocks Austin's way to the button. He stands
There, menacing, missing one shoe
EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN
Three...two...one...
A 50 kiloton explosion from deep in the earth rocks the
Control area
EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - VOLCANOS ERUPTING
Different volcanoes around the world. Lava spews and flows
INT. CONTROL AREA
Austin dives in SLOW MOTION towards the abort button. He
Flies through the air for an inordinate length of time
AUSTIN
(slow motion distortion)
Nooooooo!
His hand lands on the button
EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN
(on PA)
Abort
EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - REVERSE VOLCANO ERUPTIONS
Lava, smoke and debris sucks back into volcanoes around the
World. (Eruption footage run in reverse.)
INT. CONTROL ROOM
Having saved the world, Austin picks up a MACHIEN GUN from a
Fallen Private Army guy and runs to the door at the back
Chasing Dr. Evil
INT. CORRIDOR
Austin chases after Dr. Evil
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS
Austin bursts in, catching Dr. Evil packing a suitcase
AUSTIN
I've got you, Dr. Evil!
DR. EVIL
Well done, Mr. Powers. We're not so
Different, you and I. However, isn't
It ironic, Mr. Powers, that the very
Things you stand for&emdash;
Free love, swinging, parties are all now, in the
Nineties, considered to be...evil?
AUSTIN
No, man, what we swingers were
Rebelling against were uptight squares
Like you, whose bag was money and
World domination. We were innocent
Man. If we'd known the consequences
Of our sexual liberation, we would
Have done things differently, but
The spirit would have remained the
Same. It's freedom, baby, yeah!
DR. EVIL
Face it, freedom failed
AUSTIN
No, man, freedom didn't fail. Right now, we've got freedom and responsibility. It's a very groovy time
DR. EVIL
There's nothing more pathetic
Than an aging hipster
AUSTIN
All right, baldy.Shut your cakehole. Come on. Let's go
Alotta enters. She holds a gun to Vanessa's head
ALOTTA
Not so fast
DR. EVIL
Well, it seems the tables have turned
Mr. Powers
Alotta keeps pushing Vanessa into the room
VANESSA
Go ahead, Austin. Don't worry about me
Just then, Scott Evil enters
SCOTT EVIL
I can take my Sega, right, Dad?
Austin grabs Scott and puts the gun to his head
AUSTIN
It seems the tables have turned again
Dr. Evil
DR. EVIL
Not really. Kill the little bastard
See what I care
SCOTT EVIL
Dad, we just made a breakthrough in
Group!
DR. EVIL
I had the group liquidated, you little
Shit. They were insolent
SCOTT EVIL
I hate you! I hate you! I wish I
Was never artificially created in a
Lab
Scott breaks from Austin's grip and runs away
DR. EVIL
Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly
Number Two enters with two briefcases, one of them with a Fembot inside
DR. EVIL
Number Two. Your timing is impeccable. Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away
Number two drops one case, points his revolver at Dr. Evil
NUMBER TWO
No
DR. EVIL
What?
NUMBER TWO
Dr. Evil, I've spent turning this two-bit evil empire... into a world-class multinational. I was going to have a cover story in Forbes. But, you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world...
And you don't realize there is no world anymore. It's only corporations
DR. EVIL
Silence, Number Two!
NUMBER TWO
No. I've had enough of you pushing me around
Number Two takes a chair
NUMBER TWO
Mr. Powers I have a business proposition you might find very interesting
As Austin is approaching...
DR. EVIL
All right. I've had enough
Dr. Evil presses the trapdoor chair button, Number Two falls into the fiery pit
Vanessa gives Alotta a judo chop
VANESSA
Judo chop!
Meanwhile, Dr. Evil runs towards a button in the wall
A timer reading 0:30 is seen
EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (O.S.)
(on PA)
The complex will self-destruct
Dr. Evil runs to the egg shaped rocket. Austin SHOOTS and misses. The rocket closes (the words CRYOGENIC FREEZING BEGINNING are seen in the doors) and begins to lift up through A HOLE IN THE CEILING
AUSTIN
Let's split! Let's go! This place is going to blow!
Austin and Vanessa run out the door
EXT. FOOTAGE
The Big Boy rocket lifts off again
INT. CORRIDOR
Chaos as explosions go and everyone tries to run away
EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (O.S.)
(on PA)
The complex will self-destruct
Along the way Austin and Vanessa are met by someone....
GUARD
I brought you your orange sherbert
Austin smiles as he takes the sherbert pot, and Vanessa drags him away
INT. MAIN CORRIDOR
They jump over the wedged-in cart, to the escape ladder
AUSTIN
Come on, let's go!
They begin to climb
INT. MAIN CHAMBER
Explosions, debris, the cavern begins to collapse
EXT. DESERT
VANESSA
This way, Austin
AUSTIN
Come on, baby! It's gonna blow! Let's go. Move it!
Austin and Vanessa run towards the Shaguar, some mooks running after them. Austin jumps doing cartwheels into the car... landing in a way his crotch hits the shift stick. Close-up as he groans in pain - and again, when he changes the transmission to first gear. The Shaguar drives away
INT. MAIN CHAMBER
The timer gets to zero
STOCK FOOTAGE - DESERT FLOOR - MERCURY TEST SIGHT
Ground caving in from an underground nuclear explosion
CUT TO BLACK. TEXT READS "Three Months Later"
EXT. HOTEL
Austin is heard offscreen as a hotel at night is shown
INT. HOTEL ROOM
A messy bedroom. Austin and Vanessa are eventually seen cuddling in bed
VANESSA
I love you, Mr. Powers
AUSTIN
And I love you, Mrs. Powers
His now clean teeth shine. Austin's communicator is heard
AUSTIN
That'll be Basil Exposition
VANESSA
Ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed
AUSTIN
Duty calls, baby
Austin grabs the Casio scheduler, brings it to a desk in front of the bed, and opens it - the thing conveniently covering Austin's privates. Basil's face is seen on the screen
BASIL EXPOSITION
Hello Austin. [cringes] I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon
Vanessa is stretching in the background. She lies down again
AUSTIN
No, not at all, Basil
BASIL EXPOSITION
Did you get that fruit basket I sent you?
Vanessa rises, holding two pineapples in front of her breasts
VANESSA
Yes, we did, Basil, but you sent too much. I'm gonna have to send some to my mother
Austin grabs something in front of him...
AUSTIN
Oh, Don't forget these
Austin hands two melons, which cover Vanessa's... you know
BASIL EXPOSITION
Did you get my other gift?
Vanessa rises, a rack of spice shakers in front of her chest
VANESSA
We did
AUSTIN
Yes, Basil, nice rack
Austin grabs something in the table... a painting of two naked breasts
AUSTIN
But who in the world gave us this drawing? It's bizarre
He lifts the painting in front of Vanessa. She puts it in front of her boobs, and stares
BASIL EXPOSITION
As you know, Dr. Evil has escaped in his rocket... which has disappeared from our tracking system
Vanessa, gift box in her chest, sits besides Austin
AUSTIN
Hold on. Coffee?
VANESSA
Yes, please
Austin runs away, covering his junk with the box
BASIL EXPOSITION
And, Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent
VANESSA
That's fantastic, Basil! Thanks!
AUSTIN (O.S.)
Milk?
VANESSA
Yes, please
Austin, the coffee pot in front of his junk, turns the milk jugs in front of Vanessa's... you know, into the coffee cups
BASIL EXPOSITION
And, Austin, Her Majesty the Queen informs me... that you are to be knighted
AUSTIN
Very shagadelic!
Austin sits in the bed besides Vanessa
BASIL EXPOSITION
The best of luck to both of you!
AUSTIN
Thanks, Basil!
BASIL EXPOSITION
(waving)
Goodbye!
Screen turns off. Vanessa puts a balloon in her mouth
AUSTIN
You know, Vanessa... I'll never forget the first time I saw you
With ellipsis, Vanessa blows the balloon, which grows increasingly phallic in front of Austin's crotch
AUSTIN
You were so incredibly beautiful... so incredibly sexy... I knew I had to have you... right then and there.Did you feel the same way?
She takes the balloon off her mouth
VANESSA
Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth
AUSTIN
Oh
Vanessa releases the balloon, which deflates
Knocking on door
AUSTIN
I ordered some champagne. Come in!
The waiter enters, we only see his feet as he pushes the cart.
VANESSA (o.s.)
Lovely, Austin
AUSTIN (o.s.)
Right over there's fine. Thank you
Austin and Vanessa are now in bathrobes
VANESSA
Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night. We can look at the stars.
They kiss. The plate on the cart is opened... it's a shoe.
AUSTIN (o.s.)
Smashing idea, baby. Look at you
Eventually it closes on Random Task's face. He cricks his neck, Austin and Vanessa look. She gasps and runs.
VANESSA
Look out!
Random Task THROWS HIS SHOE
ANGLE ON SHOE SPINNING IN THE AIR
The shoe HITS AUSTIN IN THE HEAD. Austin pauses. The shoe has not killed him. It has just hurt him
AUSTIN
Ow! That really hurt. I'm going to
Have a lump there, you idiot! Who
Throws a shoe? You fight like a
Woman
Random Task starts approaching. Austin does a Karate Kid crane stance, and goes for him. It stops as he grabs his throat and starts strangling Austin, pushing him towards the wall. Vanessa approaches with the 'Swedish-Made, Penis-Enlarger Pump'.
VANESSA
Austin!
She hands him the Pump.
AUSTIN (choking)
Honestly, it's not mine!
VANESSA
No, [pointing downwards] use it
Austin attaches the pump to Random Task's crotch, he groans. Austin pumps , making Random Task uncomfortable and eventually scream. Vanessa hits his over the head with a champagne bottle, and Random Task falls to the ground, smile on his face
Austin pushes Random Task down the hallway on the food cart he came in with (The pump still attached), with a large crash. A scream is heard. Austin slams the door behind him
AUSTIN
Smashing
Vanessa goes to the balcony, Austin follows. Both holding champagne glasses
AUSTIN
Look how beautiful the night sky is
VANESSA
Isn't that the Big Dipper?
AUSTIN
Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. [laughs]
VANESSA
Austin...
VANESSA
I've never seen that big star before
AUSTIN
Yeah, what is that?
He stretches out a pocket telescope
TELESCOPE POV
A shiny thing is moving in the night sky.
AUSTIN (V.O.)
Good God!
Star Wars-like cut to &emdash;
EXT. SPACE
We see THE BIG BOY ROCKET in orbit around the Earth
INT. DR EVIL'S CAPSULE
Dr. Evil is covered in ice
DR. EVIL
I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! It's fricking freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth!
Mr. Bigglesworth, equally frozen, meows.
END CREDITS ROLL, and show first Austin photographing Vanessa and then playing "BBC" with Ming Tea.
