[FREDERICK]
I should never have gone to the theater
Then I'd never have come to the country
If I never had come to the country
Matters might have stayed as they were

[CARL-MAGNUS, spoken]
Sir...

[FREDERICK, spoken]
Sir...

(sung)
If she'd only been faded
If she'd only been fat
If she'd only been jaded
And bursting with chat
If she'd only been perfectly awful
It would have been wonderful
(spoken)
If... If...

(sung)
If she'd been all a-twitter
Or elusively cold
If she'd only been bitter
Or better
Lookеd passably old
If she'd been covered with glittеr
Or even been covered with mold
It would have been wonderful
But the woman was perfection
To my deepest dismay
Well, not quite perfection
I'm sorry to say
If the woman were perfection
She would go away
And that would be wonderful

(spoken)
Sir...

[CARL-MAGNUS, spoken]
Sir...

(sung)
If she'd only looked flustered
Or admitted the worst
If she only had blustered
Or simpered or cursed
If she weren't so awfully perfect
It would have been wonderful

(spoken)
If... If...

(sung)
If she'd tried to be clever
If she'd started to flinch
If she'd cried or whatever
A woman would do in a pinch
If I'd been certain she never
Again could be trusted an inch
It would have been wonderful
But the woman was perfection
Not an action denied
The kind of perfection
I cannot abide
If the woman were perfection
She'd have simply lied
Which would have been wonderful

[FREDERICK]
If she'd only been vicious...

[CARL-MAGNUS]
If she'd acted abused...

[FREDERICK]
Or a bit too delicious...

[CARL-MAGNUS]
Or been even slightly confused...

[FREDERICK]
If she had only been sulky

[CARL-MAGNUS]
Or bristling
[FREDERICK]
Or bulky

[CARL-MAGNUS]
Or bruised

[FREDERICK & CARL-MAGNUS]
It would have been wonderful...

[CARL-MAGNUS, spoken]
If...

[FREDERICK & CARL-MAGNUS, spoken]
If...

[FREDERICK]
If she'd only been willful...

[CARL-MAGNUS]
If she only had fled...

[FREDERICK]
Or a little less skillful...

[CARL-MAGNUS]
Insulted, insisting...

[FREDERICK]
In bed...

[CARL-MAGNUS]
If she had only been fearful

[FREDERICK]
Or married

[CARL-MAGNUS]
Or tearful

[FREDERICK]
Or dead

[FREDERICK & CARL-MAGNUS]
It would have been wonderful

But the woman was perfection
And the prospects are grim—
That lovely perfection
That nothing can dim
Yes, the woman was perfection
So I'm here with him...

[CARL-MAGNUS, spoken]
Sir...

[FREDERICK, spoken]
Sir...

[FREDERICK & CARL-MAGNUS]
It would have been wonderful