[MERCEDES]
Bless this day
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

[WILL]
Emma, I can't find my shoes

Today is for Emma
Emma, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Emma
My happily soon-to-be wife

Emma, we're really getting married!

[EMMA]
Pardon me
Is everybody there?
Because if everybody's there
I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding
I'd appreciate your going even more
I mean you must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of this to Will
Remember Will, you know, the man I'm gonna marry
But I'm not
Because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
But I thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all
Now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Will
But I'm not getting married today
[MERCEDES]
Bless this day
Tragedy of life
Husband yoked to wife
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day

[WILL]
Emma, I can't find my good cuff-links

[EMMA]
They're on the dresser
Right next to my suicide note

Listen, everybody, look
I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding, what's a wedding
It's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of
Which is followed by a honeymoon
Where suddenly he'll realize
He's settled with a nut
And wanna kill me, which he should
So, thanks a bunch
But I'm not getting married
Go have lunch
'Cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand
But I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there
I'm not getting married
And don't tell Will
But I'm not getting married today
Go, can't you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye
Go and cry
At another person's wake
If you're quick
For a kick
You could pick
Up a Christening
But please
On my knees
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody
I'm afraid you didn't hear
Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you
It isn't only Will, who may be ruining his life
You know we'll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday
But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage
I'm not well
So I'm not getting married
You've been swell
But I'm not getting married
Clear the hall
'Cause I'm not getting married
Thank you all
But I'm not getting married
And don't tell Will
But I'm not getting married today
[MERCEDES]
Bless this bride
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts to rain

[WILL]
Today is for Emma

[EMMA & (WILL)]
Go, can't you go?
Look, you know (Emma)
I adore you all (I give you)
But why (The rest of)
Watch me die (My life)
Like Eliza on the ice? (To cherish)
Look, perhaps (And to keep you)
I'll collapse
In the apse
Right before you all
So take (To honor you)
Back the cake (Forever)
Burn the shoes and boil the rice (Today is for Emma)
Look, I didn't wanna have to tell you (My happily)
But I may be coming down with Hepatitis (Soon-to-be)
And I think I'm gonna faint (Wife)
So if you wanna see me faint
I'll do it happily (My adorable)
But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral (Wife)
So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates
Thirty-seven butter knives
Forty-seven paperweights
Fifty-seven candle holders

[WILL]
One more thing

[EMMA]
I am not getting married!

[MERCEDES with wedding guests]
Amen!

[WILL]
Softly said

[EMMA]
But I'm not getting married!

[MERCEDES with wedding guests]
Amen!

[WILL]
With this ring

[EMMA]
Still I'm not getting married!

[MERCEDES with wedding guests]
Amen!

[WILL]
I thee wed

[EMMA]
See, I'm not getting married!

[MERCEDES with wedding guests]
Amen!

[EMMA & WILL]
Let us pray

[WILL & (EMMA)]
That we are getting married (That I'm not getting married)

[EMMA and WILL with wedding guests]
Today!