[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello, America back
Commodore Perry send hello
Also comes memorial plaque
President Fillmore wish bestow

Emperor read our letter? If no
Commodore Perry very sad
Emperor like our letter? If so
Commodore Perry very merry
President Fillmore still more glad

Last time we visit, too short
This time we visit for slow
Last time we come, come with warships
Now with more ships—
Say hello!
This time request use of port
Port for commercial intention
Harbor with ample dimension

[ABE]
But you can't—

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Only one
Little port
For a freighter
[ABE]
But you can't—

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Just for fun
Be a sport

[ABE]
Maybe later—

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
But we bring many recent invention:
Kerosene
And cement
And a grain
Elevator
A machine
You can rent
Called a "train"—

[ABE]
Maybe later—

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Also cannon to shoot
Big loud salute
Like so:
[Enormous explosion offshore.]

Say hello!

[Another explosion.]

Treaty meet approval? If no
Commodore Perry very fierce
Disregard confusion below—
President Fillmore now named Pierce

[ABE signs the treaty.]

Good! At last agreement is made
Letter will let us come again
First result of mutual trade:
Commodore getting letter letting
Councilor getting fancy pen!
Goodbye
Goodbye

[ABE]
Goodbye

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Goodbye
[ABE]
Goodbye

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Please goodbye

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Hello!

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Goodbye

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Hello, please!

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Goodbye

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Please
Hello, I come with
Letters from
Her Majesty Victoria
Who, learning how
You're trading now
Sang "Hallelujah, Gloria!"
And sent me to
Convey to you
Her positive euphoria
As well as lit-
Tle gifts from Brit-
Ain's various emporia

[BRITISH ADMIRAL offers ABE a tin of tea.]

[RECITER]
The man has come with letters from
Her Majesty Victoria
As well as little gifts from Brit-
Ain's various emporia

[ABE]
Tea?

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
For drink

[ABE]
I see
I thank you—

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
I think
Her letters do
Contain a few
Proposals to your Emperor
Which if, of course
He won't endorse
Will put in her in a temper or
More happily
Should he agree
Will serve to keep her placid, or
At least till I
Am followed by
A permanent ambassador

[RECITER]
A treaty port
And from the court
A permanent ambassador
A treaty port
And from the court
A permanent ambassador
A treaty port
And from the court
A permanent ambassador
And more...

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Her Majesty
Considers the
Arrangements to be tentative
Until we ship
A proper dip-
Lomatic representative
We don't foresee
That you will be
The least bit argumentative
So please ignore
The man-of-war
We brought as a preventative

[Explosion bigger than the AMERICAN ADMIRAL's.]

[RECITER]
Yes, please ignore the man-of-war
That's anchored rather near the shore
It's nothing but a metaphor
That acts as a preventative

[Another explosion.]

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
All clear?
Just so
Sign here

[ABE signs.]

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Hello, hello, objection resent!
President Pierce say "Moment's pause"

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Please hello!

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
British get ambassador sent
President Pierce get extra clause!

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Wait! Please hello!
Don't forget the Dutch!
Like to keep in touch!
Thank you very much!

Tell them to go
Button up the lips
What do little Nips
Want with battleships?

Hold everything!
We gonna bring
Chocolate!
Wouldn' you like to lease
A beautiful little piece
Of chocolate?
Listen, that's not to mention
Wonderful—pay attention!—
Windmills
Und tulips
Und wouldn' you like a wooden shoe?

There—can you read?
Good! We will need
Two ports
One of them not too rocky—
How about Nagasaki?
Two ports
One of them for the cocoa—
What do you call it?—Yoko-
Hama! Ja!
Und Nagasaki! Ja!
Sign here!

[An explosion bigger than the BRITISH ADMIRAL's. ABE signs.]

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Wait please, objection again!

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Great Britain wish-
Es her position
Clear and indisputable

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Dutch getting too many seaports

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
We're not amused
At being used
And therefore stand immutable

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
President now wanting three ports

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
And though you Japs
Are foxy chaps
And damnably inscrutable—

[RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello...

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Wait! Please hello!
Comes the monkey wrench!
Smell that awful stench—
Probably the French

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Also insist giving free ports—

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
Reviewing it
From where we sit
The facts are irrefutable—

[RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello…

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Ach, nein, of course
My mistake, the Czar
Smell the caviar—
Leave the door ajar

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Also want annual reports—

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
And thus, in short
A single port
Is patently unsuitable!

[RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello
Is bringing Czar's request
Braving snow
With letter to protest
Since we know
You trading with the West
You might at least
(Don't touch the coat!)
Start looking East
Or closer West—
Well, farther North—
Are we the fourth?
I feel depressed
(Don't touch the coat!)

Coming next
Is extraterritoriality
Noting text
Say "extraterritoriality"
You perplexed
By "extraterritoriality"?
Just noting clause
(Don't touch the coat!)
Which say your laws
Do not apply
(Don't touch the coat!)
When we drop by
Not getting shot
No matter what—
A minor scrape
A major rape
And we escape
(Don't touch the cape!)
That's what is extraterritoriality

Fair is fair—
You wish perhaps to vote?
What we care
You liking what we wrote?
Sitting there
Is finest fleet afloat
Observing boat?

[An explosion bigger than the DUTCH ADMIRAL's.]

Don't touch the coat

[Another explosion.]

Just sign the note

[ABE signs.]

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
The British feel
These latest dealings
Verge on immorality
The element
Of precedent
Imperils our neutrality
We're rather vexed
Your giving ext-
Raterritoriality
We must insist
You offer this
To every nationality!

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
We want the same
What the Russkies claim!
Why you let them came?
Dirty rotten shame!

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
U.S.A. extremely upset!
President Pierce say solid "No!"

[FRENCH ADMIRAL]
'Allo! —
Please 'allo!
Please 'allo!
'Allo! 'Allo! 'Allo!

I bring word, I bring word
From Napoleon ze Third.
'E 'ad 'eard what 'ave occured 'ere
From ze little bird!

Undeterred
We conferred
Though we felt zat we'd been slurred
And ze verdict was he spurred me 'ere to
Bring ze word!
Would you like to know ze word
From Napoleon ze Third?

It's détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Just détente! Ah, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts
Passing acts
Zere's no time for making warfare
When you're always busy
Making wiz ze
Mutual détente!

A détente! A détente
Zat's ze only thing we wish!
Same as zem, except additional
Ze rights to fish!
You'll be paid, you'll be paid
And we'll 'ave ze big parade
If we somehow can persuade
You to accept our aid
It is not to be afraid...
As we merely wish to trade...

[The biggest explosion yet. ABE signs the treaty.]

A détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Leave ze grain
Leave ze train
Put Champagne among your imports!
Tell each man
Zat Japan
Can't be bothered giving him ports
While she's in a tizzy
Dizzy
Wiz ze
Mutual détente!

[ABE]
It is late
And I fear—
Well
You see
There's a famine
Could you wait
For a year?
We'll agree
To examine it

[FRENCH ADMIRAL]
A détente! A détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!

[ABE]
But later
I fear
There's a drought
And a famine...
If you wait
For a year
Then no doubt
We'll examine it
But we've
Had a quake
And a flood
And a famine
Please believe
We will take
It to study
Examine it
But please
If you'll wait
For a year...
There's a famine...

[FRENCH ADMIRAL]
Just détente! Oooh, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts
Passing acts
Zere's no time for making warfare
Why discuss
Make ze fuss
Since ze West belongs to us?
And ze East
We 'ave leased
For ze French administration
If you force
In ze Norce
Zen we burn ze Dutch legation

[DUTCH ADMIRAL]
Wait! Please hello!
Don't forget the Dutch!
We want just as much
Fishing rights and such!
Tell them to go
Otherwise we post
Battleships at most
Ports along the coast
You can have the West
We will take the rest

[BRITISH ADMIRAL]
One moment, please
I think that these
Assure us exclusivity
For Western ports
And other sorts
Of maritime activity
And if you mean
To intervene
As is the Dutch proclivity
We'll blow you nits
To little bits
With suitable festivity

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL]
Wait please, hello, West is ours
Wait please, the East is the best coast
We'll trade you two on the West coast

[RUSSIAN ADMIRAL]
Please hello, no seaports on the West
United States too near to Czar
Is tempting fates, is go too far —
(Don't touch the coat!)

[ALL ADMIRALS]
Ah, détentes!
Ah, détentes!
They're what everybody wants!
You should want
A détente—
Makes a nation like a brother!
We'll be here
Every year
To protect you from each other
And to see you aren't
Signing foreign
Treaties and détentes!

Please hello!
We must go
But our intercourse will grow
Through détente
As détente
Brings complete cooperation
By the way
May we say
We adore your little nation
And with heavy cannon
Wish you an un-
Ending please hello!!!