[JOE opens the stage door and an enormous ovation sounds from inside the theater.]

[JOE]
Listen to that!
Did you listen to that?
Do you know what that means?
Let me tell you what that means—
Wait, no—
Anyone who even thinks it
Don't say it
You'll jinx it...

[FRANK]
Listen to that!
Will you listen to that?
Does that make you feel proud?
Well, feel more than just proud—
Okay, wait, I'll tempt fate
And I'll state it out loud:
That, unless
I miss my guess
Is—I can't stand it!
Listen—! Yes
That's the sound of

A hit!
It's a hit!
Gang, I think this is it!
No more writing clever little shows
For those basement saloons
No more proclamations from the pros
That you "can't hum the tunes"—
[MARY]
No more sneaking in at intermission
To the plays you wish you could afford—

[FRANK]
Or producers having you audition
Whenever they're bored—

[CHARLEY]
And who'll say right away
As you play the first chord:
(spoken)
"Boys, that's just great. But next time, don't be so clever."

[JOE, FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
It's a hit!
It's a hit!

[JOE]
You're ahead
You should quit

[FRANK]
No more coaching those sopranos
With voices like bees—
[CHARLEY]
No more secondhand pianos
With six broken keys—

[MARY]
No more agents giving you opinions
While they turn you over to their minions—

[JOE, FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
Just for these
Guarantees
We should please
Thank the Lord!

It's a hit!
It's a hit!

[MARY]
Will your in-laws just spit!
After all of that baloney
They've made you go through
All that muttering that you're a phony
'Cause what do you do?
Will their faces be stony
When they see on their Sony
Someone handing the phony
The Tony Award!
[FRANK, spoken]
I would like to begin by thanking everyone who turned down everything I have written... so I could win this. 

[JOE, FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
It's a hit!

[JOE]
Hold it
Folks, there's still the reviews left
Both the Trib and the News left
Early
Surly—
Not a good sign
Also, even if there's a chance, folks
Let's not forget the advance, folks
Not a
Lotta
Cash, folks

[CHARLEY]
Also, even if it's a smash, folks
Doesn't that mean we sell out?

[JOE]
Well, I hope we sell out!

[CHARLEY]
What I mean is "sell out"—
Well, you know
Success is like failure
It's how you perceive it
It's what you do with it
Not how you achieve it
And I can't believe it's a hit!
It's a hit!
It's a hit!
It's a—

[JOE opens the door to the biggest ovation yet.]

[FRANK]
Listen to that!
Will you listen to that?
Tell me
Is that a noise
Or is that a noise?
That is the noise
We've been waiting
The whole of our lives to hear!

[CHARLEY]
Listen to that!
Would you listen to that?
Buddy
Is that a noise
Or is that a noise?
Where's the machine?
Gotta get it on tape for our wives to hear!

[FRANK]
Listen to that!
Will you listen to that?
I—can't—stand—it!

[MARY]
Listen to that!
That's obscene!

[JOE]
Listen to that!
Fellas, that is a noise that is really a noise!
I can't stand it!
Will you
Listen to that?

[CHARLEY]
Listen to that!
Did you listen to that?
I can't stand it!
Did you listen to that?
Listen to that!

[MARY]
That's a noise that is really a—
Listen to that!
Will you listen to that?
Golly, I can't
Stand it!

[FRANK]
Listen to that!
That is the noise I've been waiting my life to hear!
Listen to that!
Listen to that!
Will you
Listen to that!

[JOE, FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
Will you listen to that?
That's the sound of an audience
Losing its mind!
It's the Pope on his balcony
Blessing mankind!

[JOE]
Folks, it's Funny Girl, Fiddler
And Dolly combined!

[JOE, FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
It's a hit!
It's a hit!
It's a palpable hit!

[FRANK & CHARLEY]
If it only even runs a minute
At least it's a wedge
It's the theater and we're really in it
Not just on the edge!

[JOE]
If your spirits ever need improving
You can drop in any night for free!

[FRANK]
But the thing that's positively moving—

[CHARLEY]
You could have fooled me—

[FRANK & CHARLEY]
—Is we're still good friends!
Nothing can kill good friends!
Where there's a will, good friends
Don't need success to survive!

[JOE, FRANK, CHARLEY & MARY]
And us, good friends
What's to discuss, good friends!

We've got a surefire genuine
Walk-away blockbuster
Lines down to Broadway
Boffola sensational
Box office lalapalooza gargantuan—
Hit!
It's a hit!
It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit!
It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit!