[MADAME]
When I was young and simple
(I don't recall the date)
I met a handsome Captain of the Guard
He visited my chambers
One evening rather late
In tandem with a husky St. Bernard

At first I was astonished
And tears came to my eyes
But later when I asked him to resume
He said, to my surprise
"My dear, it isn't wise
Where love is concerned
One must freshen the bloom

Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
One must never deny it
But after you try it
You vary the diet"
Said my handsome young Guard
"Yes, I know, that it's hard
But no matter how nice
I never do anything twice"
Unh unh unh unh unh unh unh
I think about the Baron
Who came at my command
And proffered me a riding crop and chains
The evening that we shared
Was meticulously planned
He took the most extraordinary pains

He trembled with excitement
His cheeks were quite aglow
And afterword he cried to me, "Encore!"
He pleaded with me so
To have another go
I murmured caressingly
"Whatever for?"

Once, yes, once is a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
Once, yes, once is delicious
But twice would be vicious
Or just repetitious

Someone's bound to be scarred—
Yes, I know that it's hard
But, no matter the price
I never do anything twice
Unh unh unh unh unh unh unh
And then there was the Abbot
Who worshipped at my feet
And dressed me in a wimple and in veils
He made a proposition
(Which I found rather sweet)
And handed me a hammer and some nails

In time we lay contented
And he began again
By fingering the beads around our waists
I whispered to him then
"We'll have to say Amen"
For I had developed more catholic tastes

Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
As I said to the Abbot
"I'll get in the habit
But not in the habit"
You've my highest regard
And I know that it's hard—
Still, no matter the vice
I never do anything twice

Once, yes, once can be nice
Love requires some spice
If you've something in view
Something to do
Totally new
I'll be there in a trice!
But I never do anything twice—
Except—
No, I never do anything twice