Stephen Sondheim
Hapgood’s Arrival
[NARRATOR, lyrics]
Comptroller Schub is trying to sort out the confusion of Cookies and pilgrims at the miracle rock when there is a great clap of thunder, several flashes of lightning, and yes, a trumpet call. Our hero has arrived, J. Bowden Hapgood!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Excuse me, but could you direct me to the Cookie Jar?

[SCHUB, spoken]
What for? There's nobody there, they're all here. Now, Doctor, here's our problem in a nutshell

[CORA, spoken]
Oh, Schub, haha ha ha haha

[SCHUB, spoken]
We must know immediately which of the people on that line are bonafide pilgrims, entitled to take our miracle waters, and which are—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Cookies?

[SCHUB, spoken]
Yes!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Shall we dance?

[SCHUB, spoken]
What the hell is this?
[HAPGOOD, spoken]
I have to think, and I think best on my feet. And I must think of a quick way to discover who's who, and what is what, and make everybody—

[SCHUB, spoken]
Yes?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
—happy! Mayor?

[CORA, spoken]
You may. But, how are you going to separate them?