[DIONYSOS]
Gods of the theatre, smile on us

[XANTHIAS]
You who sit up there stern in judgment, smile on us
You who look down on actors

[DIONYSOS]
And who doesn't?

[DIONYSOS & XANTHIAS]
Bless this yearly festival and smile on us

[DIONYSOS]
We offer you song and dance

[XANTHIAS]
We offer you rites and revels

[DIONYSOS & XANTHIAS]
We offer you grace and beauty
Smile on us for this while

[DIONYSOS]
Gods of the theatre, smile on us
[XANTHIAS]
You who sit out there stern in judgment, smile on us

[DIONYSOS & XANTHIAS, overlapping]
We offer you song and dance
We offer you rites and revels
We offer you gods and heroes
We offer you jokes and insults
We offer you paeans and pageants
We offer you

[DIONYSOS & XANTHIAS]
Bacchanals and social comment
Bless our play and smile

[DIONYSOS]
Yes, but first
Some dos and don'ts
Mostly don'ts:
Please don't cough
It tends to throw the actors off
Have some respect for Aristophanes
And please, don't cough
Please don't squeak
We haven't oiled the seats all week
You wouldn't want to miss a single word of Greek
It's hard enough for us to hear each other speak
So please, don't squeak
If you see flaws, please
No loud guffaws, please
Only because, please
There are politer ways
As for applause, please
When there's a pause, please
Although we welcome praise
The echo sometimes lasts for days
[GREEK Chorus]
Days, days, days, days, days, days, days, days, days…

[DIONYSOS]
But first—

[GREEK Chorus]
(Days, days, days, days, days, days, days, days, days…)

[DIONYSOS]
Don't take notes
To show us all you know the famous quotes
And when you disapprove, don't clear your throats
Or throw your crumpled programs, coins and coats
Or tell your neighbor scintillating anecdotes
And please, refrain
From candy wrapped in cellophane
If we should get rhetorical
Please don't curse
Wait till it's allegorical
And in verse!
If we should get satirical
Don't take it wrong
And if, by a sudden miracle
A tune should appear that's lyrical
Don't hum along
When we are waxing humorous
Please don't wane
The jokes are obscure but numerous
We'll explain
When we are waxing serious
Don't squirm or laugh
It starts when we act mysterious
And if you're in doubt, don't query us
I'll signal you when we're serious
It's in the second half
[GREEK Chorus]
Half, half, half, half, half, half, half, half, half, half, half, half…

[DIONYSOS]
Please, don't leave
It only makes the actors grieve
We may have something better up our sleeve
So please
Don't leave
Don't say, "What?"
To every line you think you haven't got
And if you're in a snit because you've missed the plot
Of which I must admit there's not an awful lot
Still don't
Say, "What?"

[XANTHIAS, spoken]
What?

[DIONYSOS]
Do not intrude, please
When someone's n***, please
She is there for mood, please
And mustn't be embraced
If we are crude, please
Don't sit and brood, please
Let's not be too strait-laced
The author's reputation isn't based
On taste
So please, don't fart
There's very little air and this is art
And should we get offensive, don't lose heart
Pretend it's just the playwright being smart
Eventually we'll get to the catharsis, then depart

[GREEK Chorus, spoken]
And now?

[DIONYSOS, spoken]
But first
(sung)
We start