Bartholomew Fayre Act 4. Scene 3
Grace, Quarlous, Win-wife, Trouble-all, Edgworth.
They enter with their Swords drawn.
Gentlemen, this is no way that you take: you do
but breed one another trouble and offence, and
give me no contentment at all. I am no she that affects
to be quarrel'd for, or have my Name or Fortune made
the Question of Mens Swords.
Qua.
'Slood, we love you.
Gra.
If you both love me, as you pretend, your own
Reason will tell you, but one can enjoy me: and to that
Point there leads a directer Line, than by my Infamy,
which must follow, if you fight. 'Tis true, I have pro-
fest it to you ingenuously, that rather than to be yoak'd
with this Bridegroom is appointed me, I would take up
any Husband almost upon any trust. Though Subtilty
would say to me, (I know) he is a Fool, and has an
Estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy a Friend
beside. But these are not my Aims; I must have a Hus-
band I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill
make one of these Politick Wives.
Win-w.
Why, if you can like either of us, Lady, say,
which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.
Qua.
Content, I accord to that willingly.
Gra.
Sure you think me a Woman of an extream le-
vity, Gentlemen, or a strange fansie, that (meeting you
by chance in such a place as this, both at one instant,
and not yet of two hours acquaintance, neither of you
deserving afore the other of me) I should so forsake my
Modesty (though I might affect one more particularly)
as to say, This is he, and name him.
Qua.
Why, wherefore should you not? What should
hinder you?
Gra.
If you would not give it to my Modesty, allow
it ye to my Wit; give me so much of Woman, and
Cunning, as not to betray my self impertinently. How
can I judge of you, so far as to a Choice, without know-
ing you more? You are both equal, and alike to me,
yet; and so indifferently affected by me, as each of you
might be the Man, if the other were away. For you
are reasonable Creatures, you have Understanding and
Discourse; and if Fate send me an understanding Hus-
band, I have no fear at all, but mine own Manners shall
make him a good one.
Quar.
Would I were put forth to making for you then.
Gra.
It may be you are, you know not what's toward
you: will you consent to a Motion of mine, Gentlemen?
Win-w.
Whatever it be, we'll presume reasonableness,
coming from you.
Quar.
And fitness too.
Gra.
I saw one of you buy a pair of Tables e'en now.
Win-w.
Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, un-
written in.
Gra.
The fitter for what they may be employ'd in.
You shall write either of you here a Word, or a Name,
what you like best; but of two or three Syllables at
most: and the next Person that comes this way (be-
cause Destiny has a high hand in Business of this nature)
I'll demand, which of the two Words he or she doth
approve; and according to that Sentence, fix my Reso-
lution and Affection, without change.
Quar.
Agreed; my Word is conceived already.
Win-w.
And mine shall not be long creating after.
Gra.
But you shall promise, Gentlemen, not to be cu-
rious to know which of you it is, taken; but give me
leave to conceal that, till you have brought me either
home, or where I may safely tender my self.
Win-w.
Why that's but equal.
Quar.
We are pleas'd.
Gra.
Because I will bind both your Endeavours to
work together friendly and jointly each to the others
Fortune, and have my self fitted with some Means, to
make him that is forsaken, a part of amends.
Quar.
These Conditions are very courteous. Well,
my Word is out of the Arcadia then, Argalus.
Win-w.
And mine out of the Play, Palemon.
[Trouble-all comes again.
Tro.
Have you any Warrant for this, Gentlemen?
Quar. Win-w.
Ha!
Tro.
There must be a Warrant had, believe it.
Win-w.
For what?
Tro.
For whatsoever it is, any thing indeed, no mat-
ter what.
Quar.
'Slight, here's a fine ragged Prophet dropt down
i' the nick!
Tro.
Heaven quit you, Gentlemen.
Quar.
Nay, stay a little: Good Lady, put him to the
Question.
Gra.
You are content then?
Win-w. Quar.
Yes, yes.
Gra.
Sir, here are two Names written —
Tro.
Is Justice Overdoo one?
Gra.
How, Sir? I pray you read 'em to your self; it
is for a Wager between these Gentlemen: and with a
stroke, or any difference, mark which you approve best.
Tro.
They may be both worshipful Names, for ought
I know, Mistris; but Adam Overdoo had been worth
three of 'em, I assure you, in this place, that's in plain
English.
Gra.
This Man amazes me! I pray you, like one of
'em, Sir.
Tro.
I do like him there, that has the best Warrant,
Mistris, to save your longing, and (multiply him) it
may be this. But I am still for Justice Overdoo, that's my
Conscience; and quit you.
Win-w.
Is't done, Lady?
Gra.
I, and strangely, as ever I saw! What Fellow is
this, trow?
Quar.
No matter what; a Fortune-teller, we ha' made
him. Which is't, which is't?
Gra.
Nay, did you not promise not to enquire?
Quar.
'Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me. Look,
here's our Mercury come: The Licence arrives i' the
finest time too! 'Tis but scraping out Cokes his Name,
and 'tis done.
VVin-w.
How now, Lime-twig? hast thou touch'd?
Edg.
Not yet, Sir; except you would go with me, and
see't, it's not worth speaking on. The Act is nothing,
without a Witness. Yonder he is, your Man with the
Box, fallen into the finest Company, and so transported
with Vapours; they ha' got in a Northern Clothier,
and one Puppy, a Western Man, that's come to wrastle
before my Lord Mayor anon, and Captain VVhit, and
one Val Cutting, that helps Captain Jordan to roar, a
circling Boy; with whom your Numps is so taken, that
you may strip him of his Clothes, if you will. I'll un-
dertake to geld him for you, if you had but a Surgeon
ready to sear him. And Mistris Justice there, is the
goodest Woman! she does so love 'em all over, in terms
of Justice, and the Style of Authority, with her Hood
upright — that I beseech you come away Gentlemen,
and see't.
Quar.
'Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what'll
you do, Ned?
VVin-w.
Why, stay here about for you: Mistris VVel-
born must not be seen.
Quar.
Do so, and find out a Priest i' the mean time;
I'll bring the Licence. Lead, which way is't?
Edg.
Here, Sir, you are o' the back-side o' the Booth
already; you may hear the Noise.
They enter with their Swords drawn.
Gentlemen, this is no way that you take: you do
but breed one another trouble and offence, and
give me no contentment at all. I am no she that affects
to be quarrel'd for, or have my Name or Fortune made
the Question of Mens Swords.
Qua.
'Slood, we love you.
Gra.
If you both love me, as you pretend, your own
Reason will tell you, but one can enjoy me: and to that
Point there leads a directer Line, than by my Infamy,
which must follow, if you fight. 'Tis true, I have pro-
fest it to you ingenuously, that rather than to be yoak'd
with this Bridegroom is appointed me, I would take up
any Husband almost upon any trust. Though Subtilty
would say to me, (I know) he is a Fool, and has an
Estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy a Friend
beside. But these are not my Aims; I must have a Hus-
band I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill
make one of these Politick Wives.
Win-w.
Why, if you can like either of us, Lady, say,
which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.
Qua.
Content, I accord to that willingly.
Gra.
Sure you think me a Woman of an extream le-
vity, Gentlemen, or a strange fansie, that (meeting you
by chance in such a place as this, both at one instant,
and not yet of two hours acquaintance, neither of you
deserving afore the other of me) I should so forsake my
Modesty (though I might affect one more particularly)
as to say, This is he, and name him.
Qua.
Why, wherefore should you not? What should
hinder you?
Gra.
If you would not give it to my Modesty, allow
it ye to my Wit; give me so much of Woman, and
Cunning, as not to betray my self impertinently. How
can I judge of you, so far as to a Choice, without know-
ing you more? You are both equal, and alike to me,
yet; and so indifferently affected by me, as each of you
might be the Man, if the other were away. For you
are reasonable Creatures, you have Understanding and
Discourse; and if Fate send me an understanding Hus-
band, I have no fear at all, but mine own Manners shall
make him a good one.
Quar.
Would I were put forth to making for you then.
Gra.
It may be you are, you know not what's toward
you: will you consent to a Motion of mine, Gentlemen?
Win-w.
Whatever it be, we'll presume reasonableness,
coming from you.
Quar.
And fitness too.
Gra.
I saw one of you buy a pair of Tables e'en now.
Win-w.
Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, un-
written in.
Gra.
The fitter for what they may be employ'd in.
You shall write either of you here a Word, or a Name,
what you like best; but of two or three Syllables at
most: and the next Person that comes this way (be-
cause Destiny has a high hand in Business of this nature)
I'll demand, which of the two Words he or she doth
approve; and according to that Sentence, fix my Reso-
lution and Affection, without change.
Quar.
Agreed; my Word is conceived already.
Win-w.
And mine shall not be long creating after.
Gra.
But you shall promise, Gentlemen, not to be cu-
rious to know which of you it is, taken; but give me
leave to conceal that, till you have brought me either
home, or where I may safely tender my self.
Win-w.
Why that's but equal.
Quar.
We are pleas'd.
Gra.
Because I will bind both your Endeavours to
work together friendly and jointly each to the others
Fortune, and have my self fitted with some Means, to
make him that is forsaken, a part of amends.
Quar.
These Conditions are very courteous. Well,
my Word is out of the Arcadia then, Argalus.
Win-w.
And mine out of the Play, Palemon.
[Trouble-all comes again.
Tro.
Have you any Warrant for this, Gentlemen?
Quar. Win-w.
Ha!
Tro.
There must be a Warrant had, believe it.
Win-w.
For what?
Tro.
For whatsoever it is, any thing indeed, no mat-
ter what.
Quar.
'Slight, here's a fine ragged Prophet dropt down
i' the nick!
Tro.
Heaven quit you, Gentlemen.
Quar.
Nay, stay a little: Good Lady, put him to the
Question.
Gra.
You are content then?
Win-w. Quar.
Yes, yes.
Gra.
Sir, here are two Names written —
Tro.
Is Justice Overdoo one?
Gra.
How, Sir? I pray you read 'em to your self; it
is for a Wager between these Gentlemen: and with a
stroke, or any difference, mark which you approve best.
Tro.
They may be both worshipful Names, for ought
I know, Mistris; but Adam Overdoo had been worth
three of 'em, I assure you, in this place, that's in plain
English.
Gra.
This Man amazes me! I pray you, like one of
'em, Sir.
Tro.
I do like him there, that has the best Warrant,
Mistris, to save your longing, and (multiply him) it
may be this. But I am still for Justice Overdoo, that's my
Conscience; and quit you.
Win-w.
Is't done, Lady?
Gra.
I, and strangely, as ever I saw! What Fellow is
this, trow?
Quar.
No matter what; a Fortune-teller, we ha' made
him. Which is't, which is't?
Gra.
Nay, did you not promise not to enquire?
Quar.
'Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me. Look,
here's our Mercury come: The Licence arrives i' the
finest time too! 'Tis but scraping out Cokes his Name,
and 'tis done.
VVin-w.
How now, Lime-twig? hast thou touch'd?
Edg.
Not yet, Sir; except you would go with me, and
see't, it's not worth speaking on. The Act is nothing,
without a Witness. Yonder he is, your Man with the
Box, fallen into the finest Company, and so transported
with Vapours; they ha' got in a Northern Clothier,
and one Puppy, a Western Man, that's come to wrastle
before my Lord Mayor anon, and Captain VVhit, and
one Val Cutting, that helps Captain Jordan to roar, a
circling Boy; with whom your Numps is so taken, that
you may strip him of his Clothes, if you will. I'll un-
dertake to geld him for you, if you had but a Surgeon
ready to sear him. And Mistris Justice there, is the
goodest Woman! she does so love 'em all over, in terms
of Justice, and the Style of Authority, with her Hood
upright — that I beseech you come away Gentlemen,
and see't.
Quar.
'Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what'll
you do, Ned?
VVin-w.
Why, stay here about for you: Mistris VVel-
born must not be seen.
Quar.
Do so, and find out a Priest i' the mean time;
I'll bring the Licence. Lead, which way is't?
Edg.
Here, Sir, you are o' the back-side o' the Booth
already; you may hear the Noise.