Faggots aren't allowed to look
At my ass while I'm on stage !


That's why I keep moving while I'm up here
You don't know where the faggot section is, you gotta keep moving


So if they do see it, quick, you switch, they don't get no long stares at your shit...so that their imagination is flowing about my...

I know when you're looking, 'cos my ass starts to get hot


I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified
I have nightmares about gay people


I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot


Really, and he'd be walking up to people going:

"Hey, boy ! Hey, boy !"
"You look mighty cute in them jeans !"
"Now come on over here, and fuck me up the ass !"
"I'm gonna bend over now!"
"Hey, boy, slow down ! You're gonna miss the round, and come too fast !"
"You make me get get mad I clench up my buttcheeks and rip your dick off!"
You know who would be a funny faggot?

Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!

Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and:

"Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!"
"Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine ?"
"You know Norton, I've been watching you
And I know you've been watching me. You watch me! I know!"


"So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"
"Norton, my friend! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"
"I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"
"And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!"
"Now I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin'!"
"Here I go!"
"[groans] hamana hamana hamana"
"Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"

I kid the homosexuals a lot, because they're homosexuals

I fuck with everybody. I don't give a fuck if they're...

Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it
You can hang out with a gay person


Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated, like, gay people, because they're gay

You can play tennis with a gay person
Really! Just after the game you say:

"I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do?"
"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick."
"Well, I'll see you later!"
"You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer."


Ladies are hip to it too

Ladies be hanging out with gay people

Ladies be saying:

"Gay men are the best friends to have!"
"because they don't want anything from you, you don't want anything from them, you just hang out, you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them" and all that bullshit, and they be hanging out with them

You know what's really scary about it? that new AIDS shit

AIDS is scary because it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!
That ain't like the good old days when venereal disease was simple. In the good old days, you got gonorrhea, you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up

Then they came out with herpes, you keep that shit forever like luggage

And now they got AIDS that just kills motherfuckers. I say what's next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explodes!

And the girl would be on the bed:

"Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."

Kills people! It petrifies me because girls be hanging out with them. One night they could be in the club having fun with their gay friend, give them a little kiss. And go home with AIDS on their lips!
And then when her husband, like five years later, Somebody says;

"Mr. Johnson you have aids.."
"AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"
"Sure you're not homosexual..."

All the diseases scare me because I'm like these...these are fuck years for me, like I'm...
I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now!

These are the years to fuck! This is when you do your best fucking. And you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...

Like 18 year olds, let me hear you all in the audience!

See y'all don't know how to fuck yet, see. You don't

You get 22 you start moving all this shit

Making faces, ever made them fuck faces. it’s a cool motherfucking thing

You don't do that when you're 18. There's just one expression 'cos you be surprised you fucking her. Plus you don't have no dick control when you're 18!

Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing?


You be just sitting there and your dick's here:

"Hey what's going on out there?"


That's when the teacher say:

"Mr Murphy, would you come over by the board?"
"No, that's alright. I'll take the zero."

Really, no dick control at all. It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18. Ever had that guys? You'd be searching for the pussy down there. And your dick be sliding down and shit, and the girl be going:

"That's not it..."
"Is there any problem?"
"No, ain't no problem, baby."
"You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?"

And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy. That's why I got in show business, for pussy. I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck, I'm fucking everybody. Fuck this, and it's like that too

When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like Frisbee

"Ed!"
"Thank you! Appreciate that!"

Too much pussy, pussy would be falling outta my pocket. Walking out the street:

"Oh, watch your step, that's mine."

Being a comic though ain't like being no singer. The singers get all the pussy. Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody

Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves

Come to my house the fish stop swimming. They don't play. Singers gets pussy. Because you don't have to, even you don't have to look good, you can sing and get pussy. Just be interesting

Because this Sex Symbol is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker. Because all you have to do is sing, its something about singing that is the business, you sing, women go crazy