[Verse 1]
Get wasted in the basement
Disappoint yourself in bed
Rob a bank, have a sad wank
Can't be single if you're dead
Create another Horcrux, give another whore bucks
Curl up in a ball and cry
Gasoline, zucchini, vaseline
Die, die, valen-die
Ranting on Twitter about how love isn't real
Taking a shot whenever I feel
Go on with my life, like any other day?
I'm not single, I have anime

[Chorus]
Valentine's Day has reared its ugly head
Well it ain't that fun if you ain't got someone
To cuddle all day in your bed
Valentine's Day means I need alcohol
At least you don't need money to spend on your honey
If you don't have a honey at all

[Verse 2]
Gently weeping on the nearest shoulder
Alone in the bathtub with my toaster
I stay in bed all day pretending that I'm sick
Enjoying what I have and destroying my dick
In the club, at the treehouse (no girls allowed)
Poking holes in your friend's condoms (wow)
Stalking exes, playing for honor
Spending the evening with Rosie Palmer
[Bridge]
Beating my meat, beating my meat, beat the meat
Eat, sleep, beat meat, repeat
Beat meat beat meat beat meat beat meat
Nickelodeon!

[Chorus]
Valentine's Day has reared its ugly head
Well it ain't that fun if you ain't got someone
To cuddle all day in your bed
Valentine's Day means I need alcohol
At least you don't need money to spend on your honey
If you don't have a honey at all