[WOMAN 2]
I was just seventeen when you rode into town
Just a girl full of fantasies and longings
I saw you, I knew I had to be with you
Then you looked in my eyes
And you asked me my name
And I trembled before you like a baby
And gently, I kissed you-
(Who could resist you?)
You took me heart and soul!

And before I had a chance to take control
We retired to your palace on the Pole
Where we only have ourselves
And the reindeer and the elves
And a lot of things we've never said
About the life I could have led
If I had had the sense to stay away-

But, here we are, Nick
And so, Nick
I know it's time for you to go, Nick
I know by now I'll never claim you for my own
I've been resigned to spend my Christmases alone
And so, au revoir, Nick
It's grand, Nick
I don't pretend to understand, Nick-
I saw you look at Blitzen long and lovingly
The way you used to look at me
I have sat twenty years in this draughty retreat
As the latest in the line of "Mrs. Claus-es"-
I've sat here and wondered what you want from me
But you sit by yourself on the couch in the den
And you watch "Miracle on 34th Street"-
You get sad and dreamy
Can't even see me
Won't even say "Hello!"

Now you tell me that it's time for you to go, huh?!
Sling your sack upon your back and "Ho-ho-ho!" Ha!
And what matters most of all
Is to sit inside some mall
And you'll never think of me
While I am pining by the tree
But never mind, I will survive while you are gone!

I set you free, Nick
Goodbye, Nick!
Go drive your reindeer through the sky, Nick!
I don't suppose you'd ever want me by your side-
I know you now, you want a plaything- not a bride!
So on your way, Nick!
Shalom, Nick!
Don't feel a need to hurry home, Nick!
Should I need comfort in the cold and bitter storm
I've got the elves to keep me warm
[WOMAN 2, spoken]
Oh, Nick? Nick! I didn't mean it. I'm just going crazy all cooped up in here! Oh, Nick. I mean- come on, I'm not even German. Please take me with you- please! I'm your wife, dammit!
Isn't there one ounce of human decency buried beneath those layers of fat? You disgust me. (She spits) Oh, yes it's so easy to judge, isn't it? Deciding who's naughty and who's nice! Well who died and left you God, Mr. Claus?

[WOMAN 2]
But never mind, Nick!
Okay, Nick!
I hate to keep you from your sleigh, Nick
When you return, I will be many miles away-
I'll have my lawyer call your lawyer New Year's Day!
That's all for me, Nick!
Gangway, Nick!
I'll miss you less than I can say, Nick
Have fun with all the little boys along the route-
I'll get the mansion and the factory, to boot!
I will not wait until the snow beneath me thaws-
I will escape
Your Santa Claws!!