[JAMIE]
Everyone tells you that the minute you get married
Every other woman in the world suddenly finds you attractive
Well, that's not true
It only affects the kind of women
You always wanted to sleep with
But they wouldn't give you the time of day before
And now they're banging down your door
And falling to their knees...
At least that's what it feels like because you
Can
Not
Touch
Them
In fact, you can't even look at them—
Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes
Except you're sitting there
Eating your corned beef sandwich
And all of a sudden, this pair of breasts walks by
And smiles at you
And you're like "That's not fair!"

And in a perfect world
A miracle would happen
And every other girl would fly away
And it'd be me and Cathy
And nothing else would matter—
But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine
I mean, I'm happy
And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—
It's not a problem, it's just a challenge—
It's a challenge to resist temptation
And I have to say that what exacerbates the problem
Is I'm at these parties
I'm the center of attention
I'm the grand fromage
And here she comes:
"Let's get a cup of coffee
Will you look at my manuscript?"
And I'm showing her my left hand
I'm gesticulating with my left hand
And then WHOOMP! There's Cathy!
'Cause she knows—They always know—
And there's that really awkward moment
Where I try to show I wasn't encouraging this
(Though of course I sort of was)
And I don't want to look whipped in front of this woman
Which is dumb, I shouldn't care what she thinks
Since I can't fuck her anyway!

And in a perfect world
A miracle would happen
And every girl would look like Mister Ed
And it'd be me and Cathy
And nothing else would matter
But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine
You know I love her
And it's fine, it's fine, it's fine—
It's what I wanted
And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine!
It's not a problem, it's just a challenge—
It's a challenge to resist temptation
[CATHY]
When you come home to me
I'll wear a sweeter smile
And hope that, for a while, you'll stay
When you come home to me
Your hand will touch my face
And banish any trace of gray
Soon, a love will rise anew
Even greater than the joy I felt
Just missing you
And once again, I'll be
So proud to call you "mine"
When finally you come home
To me

[JAMIE]
I'll be there soon, Cathy—
I'll finish up this chapter and be out the door
I swear I'll be there soon, Cathy—
Don't give up on me yet
I am so proud of you, baby—
You're doing what you never got to do before—
And I will be there, ripe and crawling
If fuckin' Random House stops calling
Don't lose faith—
Don't get down
Don't despair
I'll be there!
And in a perfect world
A miracle would happen
And that day would finally be here
And it'd be me and you
Riding it together
And the things we do
Goin' like we planned
We're gonna make it through
And nothing else will matter—
We'll be fine, we're fine
We're fine, we're fine
We're fine, we're fine, we're fine...
I'll be there soon, Cathy
I swear I will...