How much tequila did I drink last night?
It's really anybody's guess
I poured them so fast
I couldn't keep them in the glass
But this morning I sure am a mess
My head is four or five times it's normal size
And I got this big old cactus stuck between my eyes
I can't recall a single thing I did or said
Or the names of all these people sleeping in this bed

Tell me how, tell me how, tell me how, tell me how
Tell me how much tequila did I drink last night?

How did I get these cuts and bruises all over my body?
I must have fallen down somehow
Well, I believe it must have had something to do with karate
-- it's all coming back to me now
I was standing in a bar with King Kong's cousin
He must have been seven foot three
His elbow gave me a bump, and so I said "Hey, chump
Would you like to step outside with me?"

Tell me how, tell me how, tell me how, tell me how
Tell me how much tequila did I drink last night?

My mouth is filled with cotton and my brain is sore
I left last night's dinner on this morning's floor
My belly is swollen and my eyeballs shrunk
I drank so much that my hair got drunk
I see a big old worm about ten feet long
Hallucinating purple cows
Somebody moved the furniture while I was gone
Uh oh, this is not my house
I could call us a taxi on the telephone
If I just knew where we are
I guess I'm gonna have to drive myself back home
As soon as I can find the car
Tell me how, tell me how, tell me how, tell me how
Tell me how much tequila did I drink last night?