[DOUG, spoken]
Scene three
The monks’ evil tower
It is dark... and dank

[BUD, spoken]
The floor is covered with rats... and with feces
Helvetica stands at the window
Overlooking the moon

[DOUG (as Helvetica)]
I’m in a tower with rats and some feces
And the man I adore is so close...
And yet so far
If I were here
I would ask him to squeeze these
My heart is one big scar
I’m blubberin’ like a retarded lady
And maybe I oughta be...
Maybe I oughta be beaten
History’s paved with the hearts of the stupid
Heaven is saved for the souls who have no sin
I thought I was brave when I said “hey” to Cupid
But I won’t do that again
Cause now I’ll never have a friend or lover
So maybe I oughta go...
Maybe I might as well go to hell
Might as well
Might as well go to hell
Might as well
Might as well go to hell

My mama told me that hell was a bad place
With no pretty kitties
To cuddle when you’re low
When I am dead
I will sure miss your cat face
But I goofed up and I know
I will never leave Medieval death row
So maybe I oughta go
Maybe I might as well go to hell

Might as well
Might as well go to hell

(spoken)

Rats, sing with me!

[BUD (as Rats)]
Might as well
Might as well go to hell
[BOTH (as Helvetica and Rats)]
Might as well
Might as well go to hell

[DOUG (as Helvetica), spoken]
I want to die
But should I try?
To kill myself
I dunno!

(singing)

To be or not to be... me

(spoken)

I’ve gotta do it!

[BUD, spoken]
Helvetica bends the bars
Steps onto the ledge
And prepares to jump

[DOUG (as Helvetica), spoken]
I’m flying!
[BUD, spoken]
Helvetica soars over the town of Schlimmer

[DOUG (as Helvetica), spoken]
Goodbye rats!
Goodbye feces!
Hello Schlimmer!
Weeeeee!
It’s beautiful!
I can see my house...
And it’s not real
I’m still in my tower

(singing)

I have betrayed you, my beautiful Hamlet
And when I say Hamlet
I’m talkin’ ‘bout my town
Cause there are two meanings of the word Hamlet
So maybe I oughta drown
Or put my body in the ground
Cause I let everybody down
I’m just a cryin’ clown
Wearing a painted frown
I hear a scary sound
It’s a three headed hound!
Downed with a round brown crown
In hand!

[BUD (as Rats)]
Might as well

[BOTH (as Helvetica and Rats)]
Might as well go to hell
Might as well

[DOUG [as Helvetica] (BUD [as Rats])]
Come and get me Satin!
(Might as well go to hell)
I wanna be with you!
(Might as well)
I want your horns inside me!
(Might as well go to hell)
I wanna live with you!
(Might as well)
In hell!
(Might as well go...)
(Might as well...)
Go to hell