[Intro : Steve Martin]
See this is the way I meet girls y'know, I'm like being cool
And, I've always had this problem with girls and that is
I'm sure ev-everybody has with members of the opposite sex
In this case that would be a girl
And uhh, y'know, y-you start talking to 'em
And you can be real cool and real confidant up to a point
Then you start to ask them out or something
And it's like, you lose control of your lips y'know
And you get nervous and real mealy-mouthed and
Y'know it's like, "Yeah I'll be goin' to London for a couple of weeks
And then umm, hmm, I'll be back here in two weeks no
I gotta stop in New York for six days for some business there
I'll be back here in about uhh, three weeks, so listen
When I get back, I was wondering if maybe you might mea-UHH..." {*laughter*}

[Mc chris]
Ladies that are fat, ladies that are skinny
Ladies that are all night on my jimmy
Ladies that won't charge me a buck-fiddy
Just wanna get with me cause I'm so pretty
Bitties, who wanna bite off a little sum'thin
Best part's the top like a Drew Barry muffin
Bitties that wanna turn on the love oven
And cook up a casserole of Stove Top stuffin
This type of sum'thin causin fear with my gumption
Takin out my beaker cause I'm Honeydew, Bunsen
I got ya jonesing for my potion, got my finger on the button
That's why MC be struttin
Wish I could erase this erection
Honies comin at me from every direction
Lookin for the Love Connection
A stinky sweaty sexin, with no protection
So line up the contestants
I'll open up their drawers like the kid in The Sixth Sense
I won't persist this distance, gotta get up in this
She fuckin up my Christmas!
[Hook: higher-pitched computerized voice]
Fuckin up my Christmas is a new way of saying
Fucking up my shit
This is not so much a holiday-oriented song
As it is an exclamation of dismay at the sight of a beautiful woman

[Mc chris]
She fuckin up my Christmas, biz-nitch
Catchin glimpses in tiny tidbits
I was fine till you was in my business
Wit'cha you volleyball booty and your frilly pink tits
Yo what up wit dis, it's mc chris
M in my name stand for Monolith
No it's not a lisp, you're a finalist
Here's a sash for that ass it says dominance
Now here's my hotel key and some common sense
Get up to my suite or you're incompetent
Do you wanna be a winner or the opposite?
So lick them lips, drop them shits, and step on it

[Hook]

[Outro : Steve Martin]
"So listen uhh, you wanna come over to my place?
Well look just in case hell does freeze over, where can I reach you?" {*laughter*}
Okay! {*whistling and applause*}
You people are sick!