[Verse 1]
Sid Vicious played a four-string fender
Bass guitar and couldn't sing
And everybody hated him
Except the ones who loved him
A ukulele has four strings
But Sid did not play ukulele
He did smack and probably killed
His girlfriend Nancy Spungen
If only Sid had had a ukulele
Maybe he would have been happy
Maybe he would not have
Suffered such a sad end
He maybe would have not done all that
Heroin instead, he maybe
Would've sat around just singing
Nice songs to his girlfriend

[Chorus 1]
So play your favorite cover song
Especially if the words are wrong
'cause even if your grades are bad
It doesn't mean you're failing
Do your homework with a fork
And eat your fruit loops in the dark
And bring your etch-a-sketch to work and
Play your ukulele
[Post-Chorus 1]
Ukulele small and fierceful
Ukulele brave and peaceful
You can play the ukulele
Too, it is painfully simple
Play your ukulele badly
Play your ukulele loudly
Ukulele, banish evil
Ukulele, save the people
Ukulele, gleaming golden
From the top of every steeple

[Verse 2]
Lizzie Borden took an axe, and
Gave her mother forty whacks
Then gave her father forty-one
And left a tragic puzzle
If only they had given her
An instrument, those Puritans
Had lost the plot completely
See what happens when you muzzle
A person's creativity
And do not let them sing or scream
And nowadays it's worse 'cause kids have
Automatic handguns
It takes about an hour to teach some-
One to play the ukulele
About the same to teach someone to
Build a standard pipe bomb
You do the math!
[Chorus 2]
So play your favorite cover song
Especially if the words are wrong
'cause even if your grades are bad
It doesn't mean you're failing
Do your homework with a fork and
Eat your fruit loops in the dark and
Bring your flask of Jack to work and
Play your ukulele

[Post-Chorus 2]
Ukulele, thing of wonder
Ukulele, wand of thunder
You can play the ukulele
Too, in London and down under
Play Joan Jett, and play Jacques Brel
And Eminem and Neutral Milk Ho-
-Tell the children, "Crush the hatred
Play your ukulele naked
If anybody tries to steal your
Ukulele, let them take it"

[Verse 3]
Imagine there's no music, imagine
There are no songs, imagine
That John Lennon wasn't shot in
Front of his apartment
Now, imagine if John Lennon had
Composed "Imagine" for the ukulele
Maybe people would have
Truly got the message
You may think my approach is simple-
Minded and naïve, like if you
Want to change the world then why not
Quit and feed the hungry?
But people for millennia
Have needed music to survive
And that is why I've promised John
That I will not feel guilty
[Chorus 3]
So play your favorite Beatles' song
And make the subway fall in love
They're only $19.95
That isn't lots of money
Play until the sun comes up and
Play until your fingers suffer
Play LCD Soundsystem songs
On your ukulele

[Verse 4]
Quit the bitching on your blog
And stop pretending art is hard
Just limit yourself to three chords
And do not practice daily
You'll minimize some stranger's sadness
With a piece of wood and plastic
Holy fuck, it's so fantastic
Playing ukulele
Eat your homework with a fork and
Do your fruit loops in the dark and
Bring your etch-a-sketch to work
Your flask of Jack, your vibrator
Your fear of heights, your Nikon lens
Your mom and dad, your disco stick
Your soundtrack to "Karate Kid"
Your Ginsu knives, your rosary
Your new Rebecca Black CD
Your favorite room, your Bowie knife
Your stuffed giraffe, your new glass eye
Your sousaphone, your breakfast tea
Your Nick Drake tapes, your Giving Tree
Your ice cream truck, your missing wife
Your will to live, your urge to cry
Remember we're all gonna die
So play
Your ukulele