[Verse 1]
Spelling friends with quotation marks make you look like an asshole
I'm half-man, half-rapper, half-tadpole
It depresses me I can use Google Maps to find your house
I swear to goodness the internet takes all the adventure out

Hi, it's your favorite spoken word deacon
I very well could've been one of the last of the Mohicans
The dude you never invited to your parties on the weekends
Who your favorite blogger nominated for loquacious public speaking
If a telephone is smart, then I no longer wanna be
Struggling to find a way to hold on to what's right in front of me
Hanging dusty hammocks in the attic to escape the racket
Retreating in to my mind, to forget the straight-jacket

[Hook] x2
I wonder if these other rappers spend too much time on AssHub
But I wish I was a merman so I could fall asleep in the bathtub
And I would never drown
And I would never drown

[Verse 2]
I don't know anything about nothing, which is why I am master of everything
This is what you fail to see, a filthy mirage of simple
I'll sit under a fake tree while you worry about Nicki Minaj's nipples
Basking in my irrelevance, simply for the hell of it
I've got these ugly hands so it's impossible to give back-rubs
Since Rob passed it's hard not to be scared of flash-floods
I wonder if-
[Hook] x2
I wonder if these other rappers spend too much time on Asshub
But I wish I was a merman so I could fall asleep in the bathtub
And I would never drown
And I would never drown

[Verse 3]
I'm far from the heroism of Christopher McCandless
Merely a young man taking these visions for granted
A notebook operates as a lined paper flask
Take a swig and then you pass
Writing rhymes during class
Maybe we should've given Milton his stapler back
These Wisconsin winters promulgate shivers to my pelvis
At a drive-in diner and I'm listening to Elvis
Holding palaver with Andy and wishing we were elvish
I'm sorry I'm so selfish
I'm sorry I'm so selfish

[Hook]
I wonder if these other rappers spend too much time on Asshub
But I wish I was a merman so I could fall asleep in the bathtub
And I would never drown
And I would never drown
I wonder if these other rappers spend too much time on Asshub
But I wish I was a merman so I could fall asleep in the bathtub