Thank you

I am an actual train, believe it or not, believe it or not
I carry you backwards and forth, south and north
On down the line and up
Before they shunt me into the final siding, I wish to make a few points
Whenever I have a breakdown, all my passengers start talking to each other
I can sit, walk, sleep, or have a tidy as I hurtle along
Sometimes the track is lined with decapitated schoolboys' heads, still wearing their caps
Upon me, at any given moment, ten or twelve people might be taking craps
Over the points
I've transported enormous frivolity and fearful violence in my carriages
I've got compartments for sex, birth, death, and occasional train spotters' marriages

Believe you me, there are some right eccentrics walking up and down my corridors
Picture the consternation in my bogies when my driver's had a drink
All over the shop hundreds of people invariably may all write our numbers down
We, as trains, are agreed that this is because we are extremely phallic
Nobody seems frightened on board us because we hardly ever crash
We've been squashing pennies for well over a century
People love it when we're robbed and they wave at us and are happy watching us going past
Can you imagine how pleasant it is in general being an iron horse?
I'm quite chuffed

Last train to Wanking Panda
Last train to Wanking Panda
If you miss this one you'll never get another one
Iddybiddy arseholes to Wanking Panda