(Verse)
I've been married and married
And often I've sighed
I'm never a bridesmaid
I'm always the bride
I never divorced them
I hadn't the heart
Yet remember these sweet words:
"Till Death do us part."

(Chorus 1)
I've married many men, a ton of them
And yet I was untrue to none of them
Because I bumped off everyone of them
To keep my love alive

Sir Paul was frail, he looked a wreck to me
At night he was a horse's neck to me
So I performed an appendectomy
To keep my love alive

Sir Thomas had insomnia
He couldn't sleep at night
I bought a little arsenic
He's sleeping now all right
Sir Philip played the harp, I cussed the thing
I crowned him with his harp to bust the thing
And now he plays where harps are just the thing
To keep my love alive
To keep my love alive

(Chorus 2)
I thought Sir George had possibilities
But his flirtations made me ill at ease
And when I'm ill at ease, I kill at ease
To keep my love alive

Sir Charles was from a sanatorium
And yelled for drinks in my emporium
I mixed one drink, he's in memoriam
To keep my love alive

Sir Francis was a singing bird
A nightingale, that's why
I tossed him off my balcony
To see if he could fly

Sir Athelstane indulged in fratricide
He killed his dad, and that was patricide
One night I stabbed him by my mattress side
To keep my love alive
To keep my love alive
(Chorus 3)
I caught Sir James with his protectoress:
The rector’s wife, I mean the rectoress
His heart stood still: angina pectoris
To keep my love alive

Sir Frank brought ladies to my palaces
I poured a mickey in their chalices:
While paralyzed, they got paralysis
To keep my love alive

Sir Alfred worshipped falconry;
He used to hunt at will
I sent him on a hunting trip:
They’re hunting for him still

Sir Peter had an incongruity:
Collecting girls with promiscuity
Now I’m collecting his annuity
To keep my love alive
To keep my love alive!

(Chorus 4)
Sir Ethelbert would use profanity;
His language drove me near insanity
So once again I served humanity
To keep my love alive
Sir Curtis made me cook each dish he ate
And everything his heart could wish he ate
Until I fiddled with a fish he ate
To keep my love alive

Sir Marmaduke was awfully tall;
He didn’t fit in bed
I solved that problem easily:
I just removed his head

Sir Marc adored me with formality;
He called a kiss an immorality
And so I gave him immortality
To keep my love alive
To keep my love alive!