[RANDY, spoken] I'm here with the latest castoff from the Bachelor Hanoi fresh off his second meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I don't see a rose, does that mean no denuclearization?

[TRUMP, spoken] We didn't sign anything today. It didn't quite work out

[RANDY, spoken] Did you guys do it?

[TRUMP, spoken] I just don't think that either of us were ready

[RANDY, spoken] So, does that mean we can expect a third date?

[TRUMP, spoken] We'll see what happens. Again, the relationship is very good. He likes me, I like him. Some people say, "Oh, you shouldn't like him!" but why shouldn't I like him?

[RANDY, spoken] Ah, maybe because he's a deranged dictator who starves his people and executes members of his own family? ...but, you know. We all have...my boyfriend doesn't put down the toilet seat, so...men!

[TRUMP, spoken] Well no, I just think he's, first of all, he's...he's a character

[RANDY, spoken] What's your response to critics who accuse you of consistently siding with foreign adversaries over your own intelligence officials?

[TRUMP, spoken] Why shouldn't I like him? I like him, we get along great

[RANDY, spoken] Uh huh. And what do you say to those who worry that your naivete and reckless behavior are jeopardizing national security and putting us all in grave danger?

[TRUMP, spoken] We'll see what happens. Again, the relationship is very good

[RANDY, sung] You would think he'd obey
When his own intel agencies
Tell him to watch out for Putin and Kim
[TRUMP, spoken] He's a real personality and he's very smart. He's sharp as you can be and he's a real leader

[RANDY] But he's too egocentric
To do what those men think
Is best for the country instead of for him

[TRUMP, spoken] He likes me, I like him. Some people say, "Oh, you shouldn't like him!" but why shouldn't I like him?

[RANDY] Yet he's as obedient as a tiny pup
For any louse on a nuclear list

[TRUMP, spoken] Look, bottom line: I think he wants to get something done

[RANDY] 'Cause when his own daddy issues start flaring up
There's not a psychopath he can resist

[TRUMP, spoken] As sharp as you can be and he's a real leader

[RANDY] So unabashedly he reveals

[TRUMP, spoken] He's very smart

[RANDY] Those sad, lovely feelings he feels

He gets horny for absolute power
Treacherous goons put a gleam in his eye
His taste in men stinks
Now he says that he thinks
He's in love and we're all gonna die
He goes mad for a mad crazy tyrant
Who rapes and pillages, murders and lies
Merely faux pas
He lets slide just because
He's in love with these wonderful guys

Of a snitch under oath on a witchhunt
Or anyone who disagrees
He's a hater
But ruthless dictators
Sure 'make him go weak in the knees

He goes cuckoo for criminal con men
What they're all selling he's eager to buy
And while they play him
He's happy to say
He's in love
He's in love
He's in love
He's in love
He's in love and we're all gonna die

[TRUMP, spoken] And then we fell in love. Okay? No, really. He wrote me beautiful letters. And they're great letters

[RANDY] Sure it seems "treasony"
But can't you see
He's in love with a wonderful guy
He's so thirsty for thugs and delinquents
There's not a nazi he can't justify
And he could cream
From an evil regime
Sorry kids! But we're all gonna die

[RANDY, spoken] I'm just kidding

[RANDY, sung] He gets misty for misogynists
He gives dirtbags the credit they're due
At a summit
He plays it so dumb, it's
No wonder they all love him too

He gets boners for bloodthirsty monsters
He'll take their side every time they deny
Though he's appalled when
It comes to a Baldwin
He loves autocratic
Tyrannical
Lying
Oppressive
Despotic
Inhuman
Plain awful
Maniacal
Vicious
Sadistic and vengeful
(He's in love)
Atrocious
(He's in love)
And all-around a-holes
With whom he's in love
And we're all gonna die

[TRUMP, spoken] He likes me, I like him

[RANDY, spoken] Great