[Verse 1]
Well, I took me a woman late last night
I’s three-fourths drunk, she looked alright
'Til she started peeling off her onion gook
Took off her wig, said, “How do I look?"
I's high-flying, bare-naked
Out the window

[Verse 2]
Well, sometimes I might get drunk
Walk like a duck and smell like a skunk
Don’t hurt me none, it don’t hurt my pride
Because I got my little lady right by my side
She's a-tryin' to hide, pretendin' she don't know me

[Verse 3]
I’s out there painting on the old woodshed
When a can of black paint, it fell on my head
I went down to scrub and rub
But I had to sit in back of the tub
Cost a quarter
Half-price

[Verse 4]
Well, my telephone rang, it would not stop
It’s President Kennedy calling me up
He said, “My friend, Bob
What do we need to make the country grow?”
I said, “My friend, John; Brigitte Bardot
Anita Ekberg
Sophia Loren”
Country'll grow
[Verse 5]
Well, I got a woman, five feet short
She yells and hollers and screams and snorts
She tickles my nose, pats me on the head
Rolls me over and kicks me out of bed
She’s a man-eater, meat-grinder, bad loser

[Verse 6]
Oh, there ain't no use in me working all the time
I got a woman who works herself blind
Works up to her britches, up to her neck
Writes me letters and sends me checks
She’s a humdinger, folk singer

[Verse 7]
Late one day in the middle of the week
Eyes were closed, I was half asleep
I chased me a woman up the hill
Right in the middle of an air-raid drill
I jumped a fallout shelter
I jumped a string bean
I jumped a TV dinner
I jumped a shotgun

[Verse 8]
Now, the man on the stand, he wants my vote
He’s a-running for office on the ballot note
He’s out there preaching in front of the steeple
Telling me he loves all kinds of people
He’s eatin' bagels
He’s eatin' pizza
He’s eatin' chitlins
Ooh
[Verse 9]
Oh, set me down on a television floor
I’ll flip the channel to number four
Out of the shower comes a football man
With a bottle of oil in his hand
Greasy kid stuff
What I want to know, Mr. Football Man, is
What do you do about Willie Mays
Martin Luther King
Olatunji
Whoa-ho

[Verse 10]
Well, the funniest woman I ever seen
Was the great-granddaughter of Mr. Clean
She takes about fifteen baths a day
Wants me to grow a mustache on my face
She’s insane

[Verse 11]
Well, they ask me why I’m drunk all the time
It levels my head and eases my mind
I just walk along and stroll and sing
I see better days and I do better things
I catch dinosaurs
Make love to Elizabeth Taylor
Catch hell from Richard Burton