[Verse 1]
I said a bad word when I was a kid
And Mama said that I'd be sorry for the sin that I did
My daddy whooped me and the preacher said "shame"
And I tried like hell to change

[Chorus]
But I cuss and I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man, I know 'em well
I've closed down bars
I've lusted in my heart
My exes think I oughta burn in hell
But the devil, he won't notice when I die
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry? (Oh yeah)

[Verse 2]
The politicians takin' pork-barrel bribes
Crooked CEOs are gettin' off with no time
Christmas Eve burglars stealin' good children's toys (Can't say Christmas)
Holiday burglars stealin' good children's toys

[Chorus]
I cuss, I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man, I know 'em well
I've closed down bars (Yeah, many a one)
I've lusted in my heart
My ex thinks that I ought to burn in hell
But the devil won't even notice when I die
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry? (Serve 'em up)
[Bridge]
Yeah, there's gonna be a bonfire burnin'
An everlastin' barbecue
But with all the bad stuff goin' on
There ain't gonna be room for me and you

[Chorus]
'Cause we cuss and we smoke
We laugh at Tater's jokes
Tell one, Jim
You know you're old when your wife says, "Honey, let's run upstairs and make love"
And your answer is "I cannot do both"
The minor vices, man, we know 'em well
We've closed down bars, we've lusted in our hearts
Our exes think we oughta burn in hell
But the devil, he won't notice when we die
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry?
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry?
(Pass the tartar sauce)

[Outro]
When we all get to Heaven
What a day of rejoicing it will be