(Spoken portion)

[Teacher (Howe-Douglas)]
So Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table set in search of the Holy Grail. Now, on the way, they encountered numerous adven--

[Police officer (Baynton)]
I've heard enough, teacher!

[Teacher]
What's going on?!

[Police officer]
I'm arresting you for disseminating falsehoods to young children.

[Teacher]
What, you mean...

[Police officer]
Lying. Telling fibs. You see...

(Sung)

[Police officer]
Everything your teacher says
Is proved to be a fable
There never was an Arthur,
Nor the Knights, nor a Round Table
The Lady of the Lake was just
A made-up story too
I hate to disappoint you all
But it's not true!
It's not true!
Teacher, though you jibber
You're such a great big fibber
There was no Exca-li-bur

[Teacher]
Galahad?

[Police officer]
No such lad.

[Teacher]
Lancelot?

[Police officer]
Lance-not.

[Teacher]
Guinevere?

[Police officer]
Dear, oh dear.

[Merlin]
Look at me, I'm real enough!
[Police officer]
Not true Merlin, disappear
There were no wizards, so it's clear
That it's not true

[Teacher]
While we're on the subject
I'm afraid I must confess
Though Dick Turpin was a highwayman
He never owned Black Bess
And Tutankhamun's tomb
Was never hit by any curse
There never was a dragon slain by George
It gets worse

Pirates never made their victims
Walk the plank on ships
Sir Walter Raleigh wasn't first
To bring back spuds or chips

[Police officer]
Robin Hood and Marion
A made-up story too
Outlaws out in Nottingham?
It's not true!
It's not true
Teach you're such a liar
Your pants are catching fire
There never was a Friar Tuck

[Teacher]
Viking's hat?

[Police officer]
No horn on that.

[Teacher]
King Alfred's cake?

[Police officer]
Big mistake.

[Teacher]
It never fried?

[Police officer]
The old books lied
Frankly I deplore ya
I hope these kids ignore ya
Cause in fact Queen Victoria
Never said "We are not amused"

[Queen Victoria]
Your children think I said what?

[Teacher]
They think you said "We are not amused", Your Highness.

[Queen Victoria]
Really? That's quite funny, isn't it?

[Teacher and police officer]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
It's not true, it's not true
It's not true, it's not true
It's not true, it's not true
It's not true!