King Henry eighth, my father
Hoped I'd have some Tudor brothers
Mum had no sons, so rather
I got plenty of step-mothers
When at last Prince Ed was born
The crown I bid adieu
They said as King he must be sworn
Boys go first in the queue
But there's no need to worry
If at first you don't succeed
When Ed died, I swept aside
The rest and was decreed

Mary the First, that's me
Tudor lady and Queen of England
Not to be confused with
Mary, Queen of Scots
Not the same, see, though weirdly
She's a cousin to me

Some tried to say Lady Jane Grey
Should be queen after Ed
But England wanted me, hooray
So poor Jane lost her head
The Protestants were saying
That my ruling made them sick
Cause when it came to praying
My tastes were Catholic
They revolted, challenged me
Fuelled my great desire
To tie three hundred to a stake
Light touch paper, then retire
Mary the First, that's me
Called the Bloody Queen of England
Not what I intended
Tried to be good, you see
But history only remembers
I was a catastrophe

Married Philip, King of Spain
Who then left me
England thought he was a pain
Especially
Cause he told me to attack
France with troops
And when the French advanced
We lost Calais, oops

Throughout my reign, it rained and rained
It poured upon the poor
The harvest failed, no food remained
And flu killed more
Burned Protestants and wed a fool
Led armies to defeat
Burned more Prots, I'd say my rule
Was short, but not that sweet
I had no kids, named half-sis Liz
As big Queen Bess to-be
So long as she would rule the land
As a Catholic Queen like me
Lizzy didn't listen, she
Made the country Protestant
Meaning my legacy
Was ruined, see
Everything I tried to achieve
Went down the Swanee

Bit embarrassing, really