[Henry VIII (Willbond)]
I'm Henry Eight, as you know
I'm the king who married six
But I'm not what you call a romantic, though
In fact, in love I was the pits
Cath and Jane and Cath
All ended up divorced or dead

[Emperor Nero (Howick)]
I'm just the same, Nero's the name
Killed the wife, sent my girlfriend the gift of her head
Then Poppaea met a bad end
Kicked and beaten, I'm the worst boyfriend

[William the Conqueror (Farnaby)]
That's what I was doing, when I was wooing
My wife Matilda - what? I never killed her

[All]
Love rats

[William]
I only married once - shouldn't be in this song

[All]
Love rats
William the Conqueror, you are wrong
[Cleopatra (Howe-Douglas)]
It wasn't just men
Some rats were wonderfully pretty
I'm Cleopatra
Loved a match that offered power
Married one brother, he died, I wed another
But he wasn't the one for me
Julius Caesar my next romantic squeeze
Ended up with Mark Antony

[William]
His death was your fault, as I recall

[Cleopatra]
Didn't mean for that to happen at all

[William]
Still think I shouldn't be here
I held my wife dear

[Edward VIII (Baynton)]
After you bullied her
I'd say it's fully fair

[All]
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Love rats
[William]
Who are you? You don't look bad

[All]
Love rats

[Edward]
I'm Edward VIII, 20th century lad

[Henry]
Edward VIII

[Nero]
Now, there's no debate

[All]
You really shouldn't be here

[Edward]
I do agree, though love conquered me
Abdicated the throne for Wallis Simpson dear

[All]
Love rats

[Edward]
Wallis divorced so I was forced to pick
[All]
Love rats

[Edward]
Between love and crown

[All]
You chose love, that's sick
Love rats

[Edward]
Forced a national crisis when I stepped down as King

[All]
Love rats
Moonlight and roses, not really our thing