('OPENING THEME' plays)

MALE NARRATOR: Rotten Romans.

ROMAN: When people died in Roman times, we had some really funny ideas about how to give them a good send-off.

SKETCH ONE
ROMAN VICAR: And above all, Messiunas was a wise and noble man, who would only ever beat his slaves when it was absolutely necessary. He will be sorely missed by us all. But now, for the fight.

(cheering)
(fight! fight! fight! (continues))

ROMAN 1: What on earth's going on?

ROMAN 2: Oh, it's a fight.

ROMAN 1: But why?

ROMAN 2: Oh, it's the latest Roman thing. You get your two favourite slaves to fight to the death in front of your graveside.

ROMAN 1: Whatevеr for?

ROMAN 2: It's very noble. The losеr's like a sort of sacrifice to the dead man, you know, keep his soul company? But the best thing is, it's really good fun to watch.

ROMAN 1: So, it's sort of catching on then?
ROMAN 2: Oh yeah, a friend of mine died last month, had three fights. That means three more funerals and three fights at each one. That makes nine funerals. I tell you, it's like wall-to-wall funerals for weeks now, brilliant.

(cheering ends)

ROMAN VICAR: Which one was that?

ROMAN 3: Um...Marcus.

ROMAN VICAR: We are gathered here today, to mark the passing of Marcus. He was a good slave.

ROMAN 1: I can't believe all this.

ROMAN 2: Oh, this is nothing. My uncle, Centillus had it written in his will that he wanted a fight to the death, between two beautiful women.

ROMAN 1: Seriously?

ROMAN 2: Yeah. His funeral's in ten minutes.

ROMAN 1: It's disgust...can I come?

ROMAN 2: Yeah. You've got to pretend to be sad until the fight starts.

ROMAN 1: Oh yeah, no problem.

END OF SKETCH ONE
RATTUS RAT: It's horrible, but it's true! Roman's loved watching slaves fighting at funerals. In fact, they loved it so much, that someone had the bright idea of putting the slaves in stadiums and calling them gladiators. Rat-a-tat-ta! Gladiators were trained in gladiator schools, not like your schools, but do you know, it'd be funny if they were.

SKETCH TWO
STUDENT 1: Teachers coming!

TEACHER: Hail Rome class. Very good to see you all working hard, but I'm afraid we must push on. All right, can someone tell me where we got to yesterday?

STUDENT 2: Sir!

TEACHER: Yes Abacus?

STUDENT 2: Maths sir. We were counting how many criminals' heads we could chop off in one contest.

TEACHER: Ah yes, maths. So if we were to take...

STUDENT 3: Sir, sir!

TEACHER: What is it Overzealus?

STUDENT 3: When do we get to fight in the Colosseum sir?

TEACHER: The Colosseum? The Colosseum is for elite Gladiators like me. Masters of gladiatorial arts. Which of you will become raging retiarius, eh? With your trident, and your net? Or a vile venator doing battle with wild animals. You, Overzealus, are not ready for the Colosseum. What did you get in your last Fighting Wild Animals exam?

STUDENT 3: I got a "Bee"!

TEACHER: A "Bee"! Smallest and easiest to fight of all the animals. But what would you do, if you were up against a lion in the arena? Well speak up, boy!
STUDENT 3: Don't know, sir.

TEACHER: "I don't know, sir"

(everyone starts mimicking)

Exactly! Now, where were we?

STUDENT 2: Maths sir.

TEACHER: Maths, good. So, if I was to cut off four men's heads, and add them to the ten slave arms I cut off the day before, what would we have? Yes?

STUDENT 4: A great afternoon's entertainment for the people of Rome sir.

TEACHER: Correct answer Cleverus! Well done!

(bell rings)

TEACHER: Oh, ok! Everyone pack up violently! And before you go, before you go, make sure you hand in your homework. All right, all right, thank you. Very good, very nice work. A+.

END OF SKETCH 2

MALE NARRATOR: Frightful First World War.

WW1 SOLDIER: In the First World War, lots of ya had to fight in horrible trenches, and most of the trenches were full of lice. Ow!

SKETCH 3:
OFFICER: Mm, what's cooking, Soldier? Smells good.

SOLDIER 1: Fried lice, sir.

OFFICER: Fried rice? Delicious!

SOLDIER 1: No, no, fried lice. Billy's been living in his trench for months without washing, he's covered in lice.

SOLDIER 2: Ah...it itches!

OFFICER: Oh, I see.

SOLDIER 1: So we're frying them...for fun.

OFFICER: That's disgusting!

SOLDIER 2: You think that's disgusting!

OFFICER: Crumbs! There different colours!

SOLDIER 2: Yeah, picked up the pale ones from our trench, and the red ones from the German trench. It's like they're waging war all over my body sir!

GERMAN LICE 1: It's not looking good, Commandant! The British lice have taken control of the head, and are advancing south.

GERMAN LICE 2: We can't hold onto ze nipples much longer!

GERMAN LICE LEADER: We must have reinforcements! Come on egg! Hatch big! Hatch!

GERMAN LICE 1: They are over-running us!

GERMAN LICE LEADER: Take cover in the shell hole!

BRITISH LICE 1: Gerry? We have you surrounded. Come out with all your hands up!

GERMAN LICE LEADER: Okay, we surrender.

BRITISH LICE 1: Gentlemen, this body is ours.

(cheering)

BRITISH LICE 1: But you German lice can still have some of it.

GERMAN LICE 1: Oh, ya?

BRITISH LICE 1: Yes, you can keep the bottom.



END OF SKETCH 3

FEMALE NARRATOR: True or false? If soldiers in the trenches were caught in a poisonous gas attack, they used to wee on their handkerchief and put it over their nose and mouth. It's...true! The chemicals in the urine kept out the poisonous gas. Life really was horrible in the trenches, for the Germans as well.

SKETCH 4

(music plays)

HOST: Grubs up, its Ready Steady Feast. Joining us today is a German soldier who comes directly from the trenches of the First World War. Please welcome, Paul Bomber!

GERMAN SOLIDER: Ta.

HOST: No. Thanks for coming Paul. I see you've bought a bag of food with you.

GERMAN SOLDIER: Well, yes und no. Zis is ersatz food or fake food. It's what we have to eat in the trenches now we have run out of real food.

HOST: Okay, so, why don't you show us what you've got?

GERMAN SOLDIER: For sure. So my first ingredient is ersatz pepper.

HOST: Pepper.

GERMAN SOLDIER: No, ersatz pepper. We ran out of real pepper. This is just ashes from the fire. But we are glad of it. It takes away the taste of the bread.

HOST: What's wrong with the bread?

GERMAN SOLDIER: Ah, it is made of beans and sawdust. And this ersatz coffee. This we make by mixing the nuts with coal tar and sugar.

HOST: Hm! That sounds terrible.

GERMAN SOLDIER: Well, it is not so bad actually. Then we ran out of nuts and sugar so we had to make coal tar with turnips.

HOST: That is horrible.

GERMAN SOLDIER: Well, you think that is horrible, you should try ersatz meat. Zis we make from spinach, potatoes and ersatz eggs.

HOST: Ersatz eggs?

GERMAN SOLDIER: Potatoes.

HOST: So it's basically potatoes with potatoes. That doesn't sound that bad.

GERMAN SOLDIER: Oh no? Well, we fry it up using the fat made from boiled-down rats.

HOST: Disgusting. Well, maybe I'll have more luck with my other guest from the First World War. Please welcome Mick Wall! He was a milkman in 1917 London. Mick, what have you got for us?

MILKMAN: Well, I've just bought in some milk, watered down to make it go further. Er, it's illegal, but I thought it was a good idea, what with all of the shortages.

HOST: Nothing wrong with that.

GERMAN SOLDIER: Ask him where he found ze water.

HOST: Where did you get the water from?

MILKMAN: Oh, I'd rather not say really. But if you do find any brown bits floating in there, just fish them out.

GERMAN SOLIDERS: Oh look! Sausages!

(vomiting)

MILKMAN: Mm, might make it taste nicer.

GERMAN SOLDIER: Ya, for sure. Grub is up!

HOST: Oh, shut up.

(music plays)

END OF SKETCH 4

RATTUS RAT: Honestly, that's all true. 100% accu-rat. Even the bit about making cooking fat from boiling down rats. Do you know what? I think I'm gonna get out of here.

MALE NARRATOR: Putrid Pirates.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Pirates terrorized the world's seas for hundreds of years. They were a frightening bunch, but there was one thing that frightened them: being sent The Black Spot.

SKETCH 5

PIRATE 1: Shiver me timbers, Daggers. Daggers McCaw! Is that you ya salty sea dog?

PIRATE 2: No! You must be mistaking me for somebody else.

PIRATE 1: No, I'm not. Why are you wearing a false beard?

PIRATE 2: Shh! I'm in disguise, me life is in danger. I tried to stage a mutiny on ship, and now Captain Grey is baying for me blood.

PIRATE 1: But he's a fellow pirate, he wouldn't just kill you, he'd have to warn you first. By sending you a little note!

PIRATE 2: No, I think you mean by sending me The Black Spot!

PIRATE 1: Pirate shorthand for 'We're gonna kill ya! If ya stick around, you'll be killed. If ya try and run, you'll be killed.

PIRATE 2: Thank you, that's making me feel so much better.

PIRATE 1: Yeah, but it's fine, 'cause you haven't actually received The Black Spot.

PIRATE 2: Yeah. Not yet I haven't, but now I'm out in the open, it could happen at any moment! You know I...The Black Spot!

PIRATE 1: Woah! No, no, no! I was writing my shopping list earlier, and my quill pen broke, and I spilt some ink, it's not The Black Spot.

PIRATE 2: Right. Oh, my goodness, that's a relief. For a moment I did think... The Black Spot! That's a black spot!

PIRATE 1: No, no, no, no! I was having squid in ink for me dinner, and a bit must have splashed on my sleeve.

PIRATE 2: Oh, right. Because for a moment I thought that was actually...The Black Spot! The Black Spot!

PIRATE 1: Daggers, Daggers, that's warty Wendy, she was born like that. She's got another one...

PIRATE 2: It's a Black Spot! It's a Black Spot! It's a Black Spot! It's a Black Spot! It's a Black Spot! It's a Black Spot! It's a Black Spot!

PIRATE 1: This could take some time.

PIRATE 2: It's a Black Spot! It's a Black Spot!

PIRATE 1: Daggers, daggers! Calm down! Look, you're not gonna get killed unless you receive a note with The Black Spot on it! And, I think if that was gonna happen, it would have happened by now.

PIRATE 2: Yeah, I suppose your right. Thanks for setting me straight, mate. Anyway, best be off.

PIRATE 1: Night Daggers.

PIRATE 2: Night.

PIRATE 1: Well, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

(gunfire)

PIRATE 1: Oh, I stand corrected.

END OF SKETCH 5

FEMALE NARRATOR: What did Pirate Ned Low do to the captain of a captured whaling ship? Did he A: Maroon him, B: Cut off his ears, or C: Make him walk the plank? The answer is...B. The pirate cut off his ears, and made him eat them sprinkled with salt. And some pirate behaviour was even more surprising than that.

SKETCH 6

PIRATE CAPTAIN: All right, all right. Listen up, you scurvy scum. It's been many moons since I've had fresh blood aboard my ship. Now you all know me by reputation. Black Bart! The most bloodthirsty pirate ever to sail the seven seas. But I don't know any of you, see, so to avoid any misunderstandings, I'm gonna tell you how I runs things on my boat.

(laughter)

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Bones, the rule book. Rule one: Fighting.

(laughter)

PIRATE CAPTAIN: No fighting! It's anti-social, and it's a good way to lose an eye, isn't it Mulligan? Hm? So they'll be none of that. If you have a quarrel, you settle it on shore like gentlemen. Is that clear? Rule two: Games.

(laughter)

PIRATE CAPTAIN: They'll be no games. I don't want to see any gambling on my ship. Save your money for a rainy day, people. After all, if you look after your pieces of eight, your doubloons will look after themselves, won't they, gents? Okay. Rule three! We settle everything democratically. We take a little vote, and if you don't want to do it, then we won't do it! No one's gonna force you. As for treasure, we divide that up equally. No squabbling about treasure, boys. Come, come. Rule four! Bedtime is eight o'clock sharp. Busy day pirate-ing the next day, and I don't want to see any of you lads over-tired. All right? What?

PIRATE 1: What if we breaks any of those them rules? Do we get sent to bed early with a smacked botty?

(laughter)

PIRATE CAPTAIN: No! We maroons you on a desert island. We leaves you there, with no water to drink, no fruit to eat, no animal to kill, no trees for shade. We leaves you there with a bottle of rum and a loaded pistol. Now the choice is yours. You can starve to death slowly, or you can end it all swiftly. Bang!

PIRATE 1: Well, that's more like it!

(laughter)

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Wonderful. I'm glad you're all having so much fun. This is great, but it is five to eight, guys, so beddy-byes.

END OF SKETCH 6

RATTUS RAT: Ah, 'tis all true. 'Tis 100% accu-rat!

(laughter)

RATTUS RAT: Many pirate rules weren't as tough as you'd expect, oh no, in many ways they were just great big sissies. Though, actually, I wouldn't recommend saying that to a pirate's face.

MALE NARRATOR: Savage Stone Age.

CAVEMAN: Guess what we used for tools in the Stone Age, eh? Give up? Stones! It was the Stone Age, and it's amazing what you can do with a stone!

SKETCH 7

(music plays)

ADVERTISER: New from Stone Age Tools, comes a brand new set of Stone Age Tools. Yes, its the all-purpose Stone Age Tool set for all those Stone Age tasks that need doing around the cave. Including sharp stone, useful for cutting. And sharp stone, good for slicing. Plus, sharp stone, for chopping. And now, introducing blunt stone, great for hammering. And that's not all, because order today and get this sharp stone absolutely free! Be the sharpest tool in the box, buy the all-purpose Stone Age tool set today! Warning: sharp stone is sharp and can cause injury.

(screaming)

ADVERTISER: Sharp stones and blunt stones.

CAVEMAN: Label.

END OF SKETCH 7

RATTUS RAT: Sharp stones, and blunt stones, were all the tools humans had for two million years, until some clever clogs discovered metal in, wait for it, yes, the Bronze Age.

(laughter)

RATTUS RAT: Imagine coming third before the Bronze Age, eh? All you'd have got is a stone medal.

(laughter)

FEMALE NARRATOR: Cavemen used stones as tools, but what did they use for toilet paper? Was it...A: Moss, B: Deer skin, or C: Hedgehog skin. The answer is...A! Moss. We find out much of what we know about Stone Age man from what has been found in Stone Age graves. Here's what we think Stone Age burials were like.

SKETCH 8:

MAN: You join us on this, saddest of days, the great chief of our Stone Age tribe, is dead. And so with all due reverential pomp and ceremony, his body is laid to rest in a ditch. His adoring wife there, clearly upset by the tragic occasion, as well she might be. She is going to be buried with him.

(screaming)

MAN: And now the chief's loving son comes to pay his respects to his late deceased father.

CAVEMAN 1: Ugh like to say few words. Ugh only know few words. Father, you dead. Me now big chief.

(laughter)

MAN: As is traditional on such occasions, the mourners throw in some objects, that the chief might need in the afterlife. His bow and arrows, a necklace of seashells, and a little extra something to really confuse the archaeologists who dig him up in years to come. And finally, we go to the memorial that commemorates the tragic way the chief lost his life.

CAVEMAN 1: Me push mammoth off cliff. Oh! Splat. Chief splattered.

(laughter)

END OF SKETCH 8

RATTUS RAT: You know, an extra arm has really been found in a Stone Age burial pit. So have loads of other weird things like extra teeth, seashells, and even a dead cat. Mind you, that's how I like my cats, dead.

MALE NARRATOR: Vicious Vikings.

SKETCH 9

(music plays)

MAN: Warrior! Fight your way through history. You are a Viking, the most terrifying warrior the world has ever known. It's time for you to invade Britain!

WOMAN: Select weapon. Head-chopping axe, skull-crushing hammer, gut-slashing sword. Selection complete.

MAN: Choose the mightiest British warrior to fight, or just go to Britain and butcher some defenseless monks!

WOMAN: British monk selected.

MAN: Re-create the battles of brave Viking warriors.

WOMAN: Select weapon. Bible. Selection complete.

MAN: Warrior! How many unarmed British monks can you slaughter? How much treasure can you steal? How many British monasteries can you destroy?

WOMAN: Select new British monastery.

MAN: But it's not all just kill, kill, kill. You take monks as slaves too!

WOMAN: Viking wins - again.

MAN: Warrior! No mercy! No morals! No contest!

(music plays)

END OF SKETCH 9

VIKING: Being a Viking wasn't all fight, fight, fight. We liked to look good too. And what you're about to see are all genuine Viking beauty treatments.

SKETCH 10

HAIRDRESSER 1: Historical Hairdressers. Hair there and everywhere.

(laughter)

(music plays)

HAIRDRESSER 2: Oh, what is it with you Vikings that you're always coming in on Saturday?

VIKING 1: It's tradition. You know Vikings like to do their grooming on Saturdays. Look, can't I just have a hair wash?

HAIRDRESSER 2: Does it look like I can? I mean, some of these Vikings made their appointments weeks ago.

VIKING 1: Okay, okay. Eyebrow tidy?

HAIRDRESSER 2: No. Shelley's run off her feet with mustache-trimming as it is.

VIKING 1: Look, please? I've got a longship raid for a fortnight from Wednesday, I just want to look my best! Look, you know us Vikings take our grooming very seriously.

HAIRDRESSER 2: Oh, alright, I've got a cancellation Tuesday morning. I can fit you in for a hair wash, dye and plait then.

VIKING 1: I dunno, it's cutting it a bit fine, Suzanne.

HAIRDRESSER 2: I'll see if Shelley can book you earwax removal at the same time. She's got a new Viking ear spoon! Shelley, show him your new ear spoon.

VIKING 1: Oh, that is brilliant. Cheers, Suzanne, I'll see you then.

HAIRDRESSER 2: Eric, that's you done. Now, who's next for a hair wash?

VIKING 2: I am.

HAIRDRESSER 2: Oh, I hate Saturdays.

(music plays)

END OF SKETCH 10

RATTUS RAT: Vikings were incredibly clean. They really did like to wash and groom themselves every Saturday. They had earwax spoons and everything!

(laughter)

RATTUS RAT: I just stirred my tea with that.

MALE NARRATOR: Gorgeous Georgians.

GEORGIAN WOMAN: We didn't just have silly wigs in Georgian times, we also had some silly tax laws.

SKETCH 11

STORYTELLER: And now it's time for our fairy tale series, where all the stories are re-told in different historical settings. Today: The Three Little Pigs, the Georgian version. And the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the stick house down. So, the little pigs ran as fast as their little trotters could carry them, to their little piggy brother's house which was made of very strong brick. But, this was Georgian times, and the little piggy in the brick house had bricked up all his windows so he wouldn't have to pay the new window tax, which meant he didn't see his little piggy brothers. And they were both eaten up by the big, bad wolf. The end.

END OF SKETCH 11

GEORGIAN WOMAN: It's true. Many Georgian people bricked up their windows like this to avoid the window tax. We Georgians had silly taxes because we had stupid politicians. And we had stupid politicians because we had silly elections.

SKETCH 12

MAN: How to vote in a Georgian Election. Number one, turn up at the polling station. Number two, go home if you're a woman. Number three, go home if you don't own any property.

GEORGIAN WOMAN: I own property!

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 1: Yes, but you're still a woman and therefore feeble-minded. Go home.

MAN: Number four, check that one of the candidates is the Lord of the Manor's son.

GEORGIAN MAN 2: Are you the Lord of the Manor's son?

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 2: Daddy, am I the lord...

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 1: Yes, you are.

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 2: Yes, I am.

MAN: Number five, vote for the Lord of the Manor's son.

GEORGIAN MAN: But what if I don't want to?

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 1: You have to, there are no other candidates.

MAN: Hang on, isn't voting supposed to be secret?

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 1: Certainly not. We have to make sure you voted for my son.

MAN: And finally, congratulate your new member of Parliament.

GEORGIAN MAN: Congratulations.

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 2: Thank you. Now give me all your money, I've just put the taxes up.

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 1: That's my boy!

GEORGIAN CANDIDATE 2: Perfect.

END OF SKETCH 12

RATTUS RAT: Georgian elections really were very corrupt, and members of Parliament weren't paid, so only rich men could afford to become one. And who would they stick up for in Parliament? Well, their rich friends of course. That stinks, and not it a good way.

('BORN 2 RULE: THE FOUR GEORGES' plays)

('CLOSING THEME' plays)