Yo, what's up, everybody?
This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling!
I'm about take you on a little journey!
Raise up your glasses, y'all
And get ready for the story of the Dark... Cris... tal!

Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thra
There was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal
Living under three suns, all the peeps were having fun!
They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by
Oh, snap, hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech!
Bond got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places
The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces
The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come
They were a bunch of Mystics who liked to sit around and hum...

Aw, yeah, that sounds good right there
In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me!
Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be poppin C-R-I-S to the T-A-L
Full throttle, fix the bottle, and break that spell!

The whole world is ugly; no one's sipping on bubbly
Want to get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me
I've gotta save the land of Thra; I hear a foreign distant call
Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal
I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal
Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball. (Sup, y'all!)

Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes!
I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot!
Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is f***ing hot!

Yeah, this party's a blast, Cristal's flowing fast
I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass
We're all having a ball, so there won't be no last call
West and East, squashed the beef! They're all drinking Cristal
But the people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go...

(Yeah)
That's the end of the Dark Cristal
Hoes!