SUSSIE:
Look, sun! Look, house! Look, road! Look, ball!
Look, door! Look, cloud! Look, bird!
You’re not looking!
Bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird!

DARWIN:
It’s a d...
(sighs)

SUSSIE:
Red, red, red, red, red, red! Bing!

DARWIN:
Dude, I need you to grab the emergency hammer.

GUMBALL:
I’m not breaking a window.

DARWIN:
No, I need you to knock me out.

GUMBALL:
How about you just ask Sussie to calm down a little?

DARWIN:
Uh...I can’t.
GUMBALL:
What the—you’re embarrassed, aren’t you?

DARWIN:
Just use the hammer.

GUMBALL:
Darwin Watterson—the fish who grew legs at the expense of his gut.

DARWIN:
Shut up!

SUSSIE:
Hey, Darwin, which noise do you prefer?
(shouting) or (chittering)?

GUMBALL:
Excuse me, Sussie, but can you bе a little bit quieter, plеase?

SUSSIE:
Certainly, young Gumball.
I’d be more than happy to oblige.

GUMBALL:
Thank you.
What was that?
DARWIN:
That was me taking my hat off to you.

SUSSIE:
Hats.

DARWIN:
I still don’t understand how you can be so direct with people.

GUMBALL:
Oh, it’s really hard.
You have to think the words and then move your lips at the same time
so it makes the right sound.

DARWIN:
Teach me.

JAMIE:
What?

DARWIN:
Uh, uh—

JAMIE:
Yeah. That’s what I thought.
DARWIN:
(mumbling)
Hmph!
That whole argument I just won only went on in my head, didn’t it?

GUMBALL:
Well, nothing happened in reality, so I’m gonna have to say yes.
What’s that now?

DARWIN:
That’s me beating myself for being such a doormat.

GUMBALL:
If you want me to teach you how to be direct, I can, but you have to promise to do exactly as I say, no questions asked.

DARWIN:
I promise.

GUMBALL:
I want you to walk like a dog with an itchy butt.

DARWIN:
I shouldn’t have promised.

GUMBALL:
Hi, guys.

DARWIN:
I think I actually understand the purpose of this exercise.
You’re ridding me of my inhibitions by destroying the little dignity I have.

GUMBALL:
No, dude.
I was just messing with you.

DARWIN:
What?
Was it really necessary to take me over the sandbox!

GUMBALL:
I’m sorry.
Just tell me who you want to be direct with, and I’ll show you how it’s done.

LESLIE:
Calm down, honey.
You’re being over-grammatic.
This guy’s too shellfish, and he’s being, like, a total control Greek.
(dial tone sounds)
Do you mind?
I was in the middle of a condensation.

GUMBALL:
Well, I...see what you mean now.
Come on. Tell him how annoying he is.

DARWIN:
Whew, okay.
You know, Leslie, when you try and sound intelligent sometimes, you just... (gagging)
You just—

GUMBALL:
Come on, man, speak your mind!
You’re so bottled up, you’re choking on your own frustration.
Say what you mean!

DARWIN:
When you try and sound smart and mix up your words, you sound like a foo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-l!

LESLIE:
I... I don’t know what to say.
Thank you.
Thank you for telling me.
I’ll be forever graceful for your honesty.

GUMBALL:
It—it’s “grateful.”

LESLIE:
Ha, yes.
I’ll be forever grapefruit...for your honesty.

[Scene change: Gumball laughing]

DARWIN:
What?

GUMBALL:
Tobias just posted a photo.
I’ll send it over.

DARWIN:
Oh, for goodness’ sake!
This is another thing that bugs me.
He’s always pulling that stupid pose!
It’s so annoying.

GUMBALL:
Well, it’s not really that annoying.
It’s just photos, buddy.

DARWIN:
It’s not, though, is it?
It’s all the time.
Dude, FYI, you look totally lame when you pull that pose.
What does it even mean?

TOBIAS:
It’s chunkin’ the deuce, man.

DARWIN:
And what does that mean?
[Scene change]
You don’t understand.
For my whole walking life, I’ve had to keep my mouth shut, having to deal with everyone’s annoying, little habits, but now, I can say what I like.
I feel like—

GUMBALL:
Dude, what are you doing?

DARWIN (SINGING):
I feel like...
Ever since I was a young fish, I always held my tongue
Never spoke the words I felt inside, and now my time has come
I pushed my feelings deep, deep down
Now I’ll tell the world
Exactly what I think and feel about every boy and girl

ALL (SINGING):
Every boy and girl

DARWIN:
Yeah!

ALL:
He’s gonna tell us what he thinks about us
Gonna have a point of view
He’s gonna tell us what he thinks about us
Gonna show something new

DARWIN:
Stop!
Masami’s popular and funny, but your friends just like you for your money

ALL:
We only like you for your money

DARWIN:
Jamie’s rude and impolite because she’s half cow, half troglodyte

ALL:
She’s half cow, half troglodyte

DARWIN:
Carrie thinks her style’s unique, but she’s just one more emo freak

BANANA JOE (SINGING):
She’s just one more emo freak

DARWIN:
Joe, your joes are lame and lazy
And you sing just like a dog with rabi-i-i-i-i-i-es

GUMBALL:
Hmm, where do people go when they run away crying like that?

BANANA JOE (SPOKEN):
Uh...I feel a bit silly now.

DARWIN (SPOKEN):
Oh, just stop it, all right?

TERI:
Well, what does it matter to you?
You do know that there are more germs on an average door handle than there are on a toilet seat.

DARWIN:
Well, if that’s the case, why don’t we all open doors with our butts?
Almost got it.

GUMBALL:
Darwin? What are you doing?

DARWIN:
Just proving a point.
Ta-da.

TERI:
Principal Brown, Darwin is being recklessly unhygienic, and it’s giving me ulcers.
See?

DARWIN:
Oh, my gosh, your hand—it’s covered in germs!

TERI:
What? Where?

DARWIN:
There.

PRINCIPAL BROWN:
Darwin Watterson!
This is not like you at all.
I can only assume that Gumball has something to do with it.

GUMBALL:
I’ve got nothing to do with it at all!

PRINCIPAL BROWN:
Nothing?

GUMBALL:
Well, maybe I kinda set him off.

PRINCIPAL BROWN:
That’s all I needed to know.
Both of you to the school counselor immediately.

MR. SMALL:
As much as I think it’s important for you to be able to express yourselves freely, I don’t think comments about my ponytail are appropriate.
The back of my head does not look like a horse’s buttocks!

DARWIN:
I swear, I’m trying my best, Mr. Small,
but I just can’t stop myself from saying—
I’m tired of staring at your hideous, hairy man toes!

MR. SMALL:
Oh. Interesting.
I want to try something.
What do you see when I show you this inkblot?

DARWIN:
A very sad, middle-aged man wearing sandals.

MR. SMALL:
I think I have the right treatment for your problem.

CLASSROOM:
(slurping, breathing heavily, tapping)

GUMBALL:
I’m impressed with how you’re managing all this, buddy.
I thought for sure you’d—

DARWIN:
(grunting)

GUMBALL:
Everyone, get out of here!
He’s gonna hurt your feelings real bad!

LESLIE:
No! We need to listen to him.
He’s just misunderstated.

DARWIN:
Hey, chin bag, how about you learn to breathe through your nostrils?
Oh, I’m sorry—you don’t have any!

SUSSIE:
Nostrils.

DARWIN:
And how about you clip those stupid nails?
They’re not gonna make you any more feminine.
In case you haven’t noticed, you’re a ten-ton sack of reptile flesh.

SUSSIE:
Reptile flesh.

DARWIN:
And as for you, the only thing worse than hearing you slurp your coffee is watching it stick to your rancid lady mustache!

SUSSIE:
Mustache.

GUMBALL:
Uh, dude, I know I told you to be direct and all, but you’re acting like a full-blown, atomic jerk right now.
Can you, uh, just go back to being a nice guy?
Dude?

DARWIN (SINGING, DEEP VOICE):
No more Mr. Nice Guy, I've found a new style
With claws and pointy teeth and a venomous smile
Goodbye, goody-two-shoes, I’m no longer uptight
’Cause now I’m a shark, and I’m ready to bite
And I’ll say what I want, and the truth’s gonna sting
I’ll be brutal and blunt; it will hurt when I sing
(laughs evilly)
So, look out where—

GUMBALL:
You and me outside now.
[Scene change: video-game music playing]
I don’t wanna do this, man, but it’s the only way.
You need to learn that words can hurt.

VIDEO-GAME ANNOUNCER:
Round one. Fight!

DARWIN (NORMAL VOICE):
Your head is so big that you have to put your shirt on feetfirst!
Big head, big head, big head!

GUMBALL:
Stop it!

DARWIN:
Big head!

GUMBALL:
That’s cheating!
You keep using the same move!

DARWIN:
Big head!

GUMBALL:
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER:
Darwin wins. Perfect.
Round two. Fight!

GUMBALL:
You’re so ugly that when you entered an ugly contest, the judges said, “No professionals”!

DARWIN:
You’re so dumb, you put stamps on your emails.

GUMBALL:
You’re so short that your head smells like feet!

DARWIN:
Your brain’s so small that your thoughts have an echo.

GUMBALL:
Your cheeks are so big that people don’t know which end of you they’re looking at!

DARWIN:
Argh!

GUMBALL:
Your face is so greasy that people put on weight when they look at you!

DARWIN:
Argh!

TOBIAS:
Eh. It’s not as good as I thought it’d be.

GUMBALL:
You’re so bald that when you take a shower, you get brainwashed!

DARWIN:
You’re so—uh, I got nothing!
Ahh!

GUMBALL:
You’re so chubby, the back of your head looks like a pack of wieners.

DARWIN:
Aah!

VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER:
Final round.

GUMBALL:
Wait a minute. Pause.
Darwin, I think this has gone far enough.
Surely you understand what I’m trying to say to you.
It’s good to speak your mind sometimes, but...
W-What... What are you doing?
Hey, you unpaused! That’s cheating!

DARWIN:
Big head! Big head, big head, big head!

GUMBALL:
Okay, I didn’t wanna do this, but you leave me no choice.
You are not my brother.
You are just a pet...who grew legs!

DARWIN:
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER:
Ultimate combo.

GUMBALL:
I'm sorry. You forced me to do this.

DARWIN:
(sobbing)
Did you really mean that?

GUMBALL:
No, I just wanted you back to normal.
It just came out.

DARWIN:
It really hurt.

GUMBALL:
It really hurt me too.
I never thought it before.
You’re totally my brother!

DARWIN:
Well, I think you made your point, and if that’s how I made other people feel, I don’t wanna do it anymore.

GUMBALL:
Oh. It’s good to have you back, buddy.

DARWIN:
You still have a big head, though.

GUMBALL:
Well, at least mine’s got hair on it.

[Scene change: Sussie shouting, window shatters]