Oh I was walking round my local store
Searching for the ten pence off Lenor
When suddenly I bumped into this guy
On seeing who it was I gave a cry
"Fuckin' 'Ell, It's Fred Titmus!"

Oh Jane was pushing baby round the park
When all at once she saw her husband Mark
Well he was with a man down by the stream
So Jane and baby both began to scream
"Fuckin' 'Ell, It's Fred Titmus!"

Oh as the train pulled into platform three
I looked around for my best girl to see
As she disembarked but I didn't seem to care
'Cos someone passed that made me stop and stare
Oh Dracula comes from Transylvania
Stevie nicks books about kleptomania
Johnny looked out of his bedroom window
And shouted to his mum "Fred Titmus!"