Found a nice little cove
Where nobody else goes
Took a trip round the Caves of Drach
And said: "It's good to explore the more cultural aspects"

Hedley Verityesque
She passed into folklore
Trod on the lines in the pavement
And said: "There's no room for enigmas in built up areas"

Sweats who think they're hard
(Sweats who think they're hard)
My head no end do in
(Head no end do in)

Brakes fail in the rain
Down memory lane
Come re-live my paper round with me
And I don't see any more
(I don't see any more)
Pent up Alsatians
They used to wait by the door
And say: "It's nice to know you're here it's nice to know you're here"
And I don't want any more
(I don't want any more)
Stark German film noirs
And I could well do without
The hand-clapping sequence at the end of Blockbusters
You were in my hall
Now you're on my wall
Peter Sarstedt, Mr Irony
Get in the hole

In some warm lagoon
(In some warm lagoon)
I'll be with Ayshea soon
(Be with Ayshea soon)

Brakes fail in the rain
Down memory lane
Come re-live my paper round with me
And I don't see any more
(I don't see any more)
Big mad Alsatians
They used to wait by the door
And sing: "It's nice to know you're here, it's nice to know you're here"

And I don't need any more
(I don't need any more)
Stark German film noirs
And I could well do without
The hand-clapping sequence at the end of Blockbusters
When all of the audience try to convince themselves
That what they are doing is silly but acceptable
And the only thing I can say is: "Oh Kip Keino"