I've just finished decorating
It was very irritating
And I know they're going to come around tonight
And I know they're gonna say to me tonight:
"It makes the room look bigger
It makes the room look bigger"

So let's forget about the open-top bus ride
Standing tall on the town hall balcony
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
And as the light gets dimmer
I watch the chance get slimmer

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to stick the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

I'm drawn towards the souvenir stores
I twirl around the key fob rack
Well it's alright for Nicholas and for Neil
Yeah well how do you think that makes me feel?
And all the while I can see
I'm on the CCTV
Elderly lady at the bus stop
Thinks I'm going to eat her
And so to reassure her
I ask her for the time
And her sense of relief at my friendly tone
Reveals itself in her karmic moan:
"You can wait twenty minutes
And nothing comes along
And then all of a sudden three thugs rob your pension
Oh there's generally one at twenty-five past
There's generally one at twenty-five past
They come swinging round that corner
They think they're Benny Goodman"

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to stick the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

Oh tiptoe to the front row of the Korn Show
With a sub-machine-gun