INT. SCHUESTER DINING ROOM - EVENING

MRS. SCHUESTER: When did you start cooking, Terri?

TERRI: Oh, it’s just hamburger casserole. Look out for bones.

WILL: I’m sorry. I, um (laughing) I can’t hold it in any longer. Um Mom, Dad. Terri’s pregnant.

TERRI: What?

WILL: It’s a boy.

MRS. SCHUESTER: Oh! Our first grandbaby! (giddy laugh)

MR. SCHUESTER: Oh, that’s fantastic.

TERRI: Thank you, yeah. Sweetheart. Honey?

WILL: Yeah?

TERRI: I thought we weren’t going to tell anybody yet.

MR. SCHUESTER: Oh your secret is safe with me. I spent six months In the Hanoi Hilton, never said a word. Am I right, doodle?

MRS. SCHUESTER: That’s right, honey.
MR. SCHUESTER: (chuckling)

TERRI: Oh. Yeah, we’re going to turn the craft room into the nursery.

MRS. SCHUESTER: (gasps) Show me!

TERRI: Okay.

MR. SCHUESTER: (chuckling)I’m really happy for you, son.

WILL: Tell you the truth, I’m terrified. I don’t know how to do this.

MR. SCHUESTER: No one does. Look at me. I was a mess. I worked all the time, traveling. I was too strict.

WILL: Okay, you’re not instilling With a great deal of confidence here, Dad. (sighs) I mean, I’m already up all night thinking about this.

MR. SCHUESTER: That’s my fault– the confidence thing. Boys learn that from their fathers. I started at Zuckerman and Zuckerman in college. I needed some extra cash. I was saving up for law school. But I never went. I never even applied. Didn’t have the balls. So, I settled for insurance. I mean, who was i to become a lawyer?

WILL: You would have been a great one. You’re the smartest guy I know.

MR. SCHUESTER: It’s not about brains, son. Being a good father– hell, being a man– Is all about one thing: Guts. And you’ve got about six months to figure out if you have any.

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY

Will: Five, six, seven, eight. Step and step. Step and step. And turn it around. Down and up. And hit, hit down hit.
RACHEL: Can we stop, please?

WILL: You don’t have to ask me every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel. You can just go.

RACHEL: It’s not my bladder. It’s the choreography.

WILL: Okay, what’s wrong with the choreography?

RACHEL: It sucks.

INT. CUT TO: HALLWAY - DAY

QUINN: It sucks.

SANTANA: It’s completely unoriginal.

RACHEL: Are you guys going to get shunned for talking to me?

QUINN: Sweetie, we’re a team now. But you’ve got to do something about Mr. Shue’s dance routines.

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY

RACHEL: We can’t compete with vocal adrenaline with these steps. You’re a great vocal coach, Mr. Shue, But you’re not a a trained choreographer. That’s what we need to be the best. We need Dakota Stanley.

INT. CUT TO HALLWAY - DAY
QUINN: He’s the best show choir choreographer in the midwest. He works with Vocal Adrenaline.

SANTANA: You can’t take regionals without him. He was the understudy to the candelabra in beauty and the beast on broadway.

INT. CUT TO CHOIR ROOM - DAY

WILL: Just because he understudied doesn’t mean he ever performed.

QUINN: Did you ever perform, Mr. Schuester? After high school. Did you even try?

INT. CUT TO EMMA’S OFFICE - DAY

WILL: I wanted to. that was my dream, you know? I-i just never had…

EMMA: The guts? They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. I mean, look at, um, look at John Stamos.

WILL: I don’t know. I guess i’m also just nervous about being a dad. You know, I want my kid to be proud of me.I want to set a good example, you know? I-i hope it’s cool– me unloading on you like this. I don’t want there to be any awkwardness.

EMMA: Oh, no. No, none at all. I mean, you know, especially since… we’re, um, we’re both in relationships now. It’s both of us.

right. I’m in a relationship. You’re in a relationship.

WILL: Exactly, yeah. How’s it going with Ken?

EMMA: Great. It’s great. It’s wonderful. I mean, you know, he’s-he’s flawed, but he-he knows who he is, and that’s-that’s great And there really is nothing sexier in a man than confidence, you know?

Will: (wry laugh) Sandy! I thought you weren’t allowed on campus.

SANDY: No, William. I’m not allowed within 50 feet of children. Besides, Henri and I go way back. I got him a job before we even had a shop class. I told Figgins that you are going to have a school full of nancies unless you get some hot wood in those teenagers’ hands. Here comes Henri.

WILL: Ah, shoot. Terri was supposed to bring a cake.

HENRI: I’m back.

WILL (in voiceover): Henri had a little problem with over-the-counter cough medicine.

(Henri is shown using a saw) he ended up cutting off his thumbs. It was a real tragedy.

HENRI: I’ll never hitchhike across Europe. That was a dream, man. (Howard walks in carrying a cake with two thumbs ups.)

WILL: Where’s terri?

HOWARD: Doing inventory. I can’t count higher than 30.

WILL:You know, This is nice. I can’t remember the last time I just hung out with the guys, really talked about our feelings.

KEN: Want to know what I’m feeling? I live at the YMCA. I only have one pair of long pants.

SANDY: Oh, please. My life is a disaster with no creative outlet other than writing my Desperate Housewives fan fiction.

HOWARD: I’m afraid of my vacuum.

WILL: I know how you guys feel. I apparently don’t know how to dance.

HENRI: I don’t have thumbs.

WILL: Uh. Sorry.

(Henri sobbing) Sandy begins singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”, the others join in, harmonizing. (sniffling)

WILL: Hey, that was pretty good. (begins singing) ♫ This is how we do it ♫ (men beat boxing) Two weeks ago, I would have agreed that four grown men rehearsing a capella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing, but busting out some white-hot New Jack Swing I’ll tell you, I’ve never felt more confident. Henri though we should call our group…

HENRI: Crescendudes

WILL: While Ken thought…

KEN: Testotertones.

WILL: …was more manly, and then we heard a single word leave Howard’s lips, and we knew we had our name.

HOWARD: Acafellas.

♫ Yo, we made it, it feels so good ♫

SANDY: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

WILL: Sandy, we voted. When you’re in the group, it’s creepy.

SANDY: Wait. I… (Will closes the door)

♫ This is how we do it ♫ (man beat boxing) ♫ This is how we do it. ♫

TERRI: Will! If i don’t get some sleep, I could miscarry.

WILL: I’m sorry, Terri. I’ll be right in.

TERRI: I hope so.

WILL (in voiceover): Being in a boy band did wonders for our love life. Seeing me feel so good about myself made my wife more attracted to me in every way. (sighs) It was amazing. I mean, we started doing it once a week. It was like she was trying to make a twin.

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY

(bell ringing)

RACHEL (walking in): He’s not coming.

FINN: What happened?

INT. CUT TO: WILL’S SPANISH ROOM

RACHEL: They’re my famous sugar cookies. I bake them for the poor during Christmastime, But i whipped up a special batch. Just for you. I wanted to say how sorry i was for what I said.

WILL: Don’t be. You were right. You know, the truth is, Rachel, if you weren’t so hard on me, I never would have had the guts to start Acafellas.

RACHEL: But we need you, Mr. Schue. You’ve missed six rehearsals in the past couple of weeks, And when you’re there, you’re not really there.

WILL: Which is why I think you should go ahead and hire Montana.

RACHEL: Dakota.

WILL: Whatever. You know, I’ll still be there to help you guys sing and stuff, But, uh, I just don’t have time for all of it anymore.

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - DAY

FINN: Of course he doesn’t want Anything to do with us after you kicked him in the nads.

RACHEL: Then why did he thank me?

SANTANA: The goal is to win. And now that Mr. Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can.

FINN: But he doesn’t want us to. He just doesn’t have The confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.

RACHEL: And that’s my fault?

FINN: Do you see anyone else in here With a plate of “I’m sorry” cookies? I don’t. Just you.

QUINN: I’m bored. All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley? (all except Finn raise their hand)

(bell ringing)

INT. CUT TO: HALLWAY - DAY

FINN: Hey, wait up. You can’t do this to Mr. Schuester.

RACHEL: What? make him a hero? Once we hire Dakota and win nationals, he’ll thank me for it. You heard Santana. It’s all about winning.

FINN: Since when?

RACHEL: Look, you have your popular clique and your football And your cliché of a blonde girlfriend Glee is my one shot. If this doesn’t work out, then my whole high school life Will be nothing but an embarrassment.

FINN: What’s a cliché? is that a bad thing? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this one of those chick things where you’re pissed about one thing, but you’re just pretending. Like you’re pissed about something else? ‘Cause…

RACHEL: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

FINN: Well, for a while there, you were kind of all over me And now you just yell at me all the time. It makes me think that you’re still upset about what happened in the auditorium.

RACHEL: I’m not. I’ve moved on and I’m focusing on my career now.

FINN: So you want to talk about it?

RACHEL: No. And neither do you. It’s kind of ironic how you’re Mr. Popular, and I’m just this nobody that everybody makes fun of, But I have enough confidence to say out loud that what happened between us in the auditorium was real. You have feelings for me And you just don’t have the guts to admit it. We’re hiring Dakota Stanley.

FINN: Even if it means me quitting?

RACHEL: Yes.

INT. CUT TO: SUE’S OFFICE - DAY

SUE: It’s a good start. You’re sewing the seeds of destruction.

QUINN: Mr. Schuester barely even shows up for rehearsals.

SUE: Oh, no, no, no. “Barely” will not cut it. I will not be satisfied until glee club is disbanded. And what about this Dakota character? Any chance he actually helps?

QUINN: They’re soft. He’ll eat them alive. I give them 15 minutes before the first one quits or tries to commit suicide.

SUE: You know, ladies I learned a lot in special forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd Then we went after the sheep. You need to go after these glee clubbers one by one. I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine.

INT. CUT TO: KURT’S LOCKER - DAY

MERCEDES: Have you ever kissed anybody?

KURT: Yes. If by someone you mean the tender crook of my elbow. No, I haven’t. But I want to. (Mercedes stares at Santana and Puck kissing) All right, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in glee club. That means we are at the bottom of the social heap. Special ed kids will get more play than we will. The only thing that gets me by Is my knowledge that we are superior to all of them. What are you wearing On our operation Dakota Stanley field trip?

MERCEDES: Is there a dress code?

KURT: No, but every moment of your life Is an opportunity for fashion. We’ll hit the mall after school. Meet me at lunch.

MERCEDES: Okay.

QUINN: You should totally scoop that.

MERCEDES: I don’t think i’m his type.

QUINN: Oh, I think you are. Just follow our lead. We’ve got your back.

INT. CUT TO: RESTARAUNT STAGE (Will, Henri, Ken, and Howard all singing “Poison” by Bel Biv DeVoe)

(cheering and applause)

EMMA: Yay, Ken. Ken Tanaka.

WILL: In my own little way, I felt like I was finally a star.

MR SCHUESTER (selling an Acafellas disk): Thank you so much.

MRS. SCHUESTERAcafellas!

MR. SCHUESTER: Hey! Son, this is huge. We just sold all 17 copies of your cd.

MRS. SCHUESTER: I didn’t even have to show any of them my bosoms.

MR. SCHUESTER: Doodle honey, you go get yourself a Sanka. Yeah.

MRS. SCHUESTER: Okay.

WILL: Thanks, mom.

MR. SCHUESTER: Good job. (chuckles) I bought one for my grandson. So he can hear for himself How good his old man was.

WILL: Ah.

FIGGINS: Schue, that was an amazing performance.

WILL: Oh, thank you. I mean, we’re just starting out, so…

FIGGINS: Look, there’s a PTA meeting next Thursday night and I want Acafellas to be the main event. I need those parents happy. They found out we’ve been serving Their children prison food.

WILL: Uh-huh.

MR. SCHUESTER: Great job, Son.

INT. CUT TO: TEACHERS’ LOUNGE - DAY

(bell ringing)

WILL (reading a newspaper): Well “Is it too soon to call Will Schuester 'the next michael buble?’ the audience last thursday at benchwarmers sports bar didn’t think so. And Ken Tanaka’s smoky baritone is like a cool fog that sweeps over a deep ocean of emotional intensity. A big thumbs-up to Henri St. Pierre who proves you don’t need all ten fingers to pluck a lady’s heartstrings like a well-tuned sexy harpsichord. Only Howard…” Uh, sorry, Howard. They didn’t say anything about you. “Buckle up, Ohio. Are you ready for a new musical sensation? You’d better be, because here come the Acafellas.” Yeah!

SANDY (walking in): Oh, congratulations on your dead tree valentine, gentlemen. By the way, I want in. Stop right there, William. I’ve got two words for you. Josh Groban. He’s coming to the PTA event.

HOWARD: Who is Josh Groban?

SANDY: Who is Josh Groban?! Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critics’ Choice award.

KEN: Why would he come to our show?

SANDY: Because i invited him. Josh and i have become frequent pen pals since he accidentally friended me on Myspace. And being my close personal confidant, he is only interested if I am in the group.

WILL: No, Sandy. We have standards.

SANDY: Okay, fine. But just so you know, the blogs are all atwitter. They say he’s looking for an opening act.

INT. CUT TO: OUTSIDE VOCAL ADRENALINE PRACTICE, BY KURT’S CAR

MERCEDES: Damn, Kurt, this car is fly.

KURT: My dad got it for my sweet 16 After I swore to stop wearing formfitting sweaters that stop at the knee. What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him.

(car alarm chirps)

QUINN: Are we even sure They’re rehearsing today?

RACHEL: Vocal adrenaline rehearses every day From 2:30 until midnight.

MERCEDES: I’m just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us. They’re so cool and popular, and we look like we just stepped off the short bus.

KURT: Those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice. We have more heart. And you don’t look touched in the head. That outfit is amazing.

MERCEDES: So, would you ever, you know, want to hang out?

KURT: Come over. It’s Liza Minnelli week on AMC!

RACHEL: Guys! That’s Andrea Cohen. She won Outstanding Soloist last year at Absolutely Tampastic.

VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRL: You can’t (other girl coughing) Leave rehearsals for any reason. That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn’s disease.

RACHEL: Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline? We’d like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreography for our glee club.

SECOND GIRL: Don’t! He’s a monster.

INT. CUT TO: VOCAL ADRENALINE STAGE (Vocal Adrenaline performing “Mercy” by Duffy

DAKOTA STANLEY: Get off my stage!

INT. CUT TO: DAKOTA’S CAR

RACHEL: Mr. Stanley! We’re the McKinley High glee club.

DAKOTA: No interviews.

TINA: We’d like you to choreograph for us.

DAKOTA: Look, my fee is $8,000 per number, plus a $10,000 bonus if you place in the top three. And with dakota stanley at the wheel, You will place at the top three. Move it.

(engine revs, tires squeal)

RACHEL: How are we gonna get $8,000?

(bell rings)

INT. CUT TO CHOIR ROOM

(Will teaching Ken a dance)

WILL: Kick that way and back. You kick out…

KEN: Hold on. Hold on. Okay, one more.

WILL: Okay. Kick out. Right behind you. It’s all right.

KEN: Where is everybody?

(phone rings)

WILL: Sandy went to get Henri from wood shop. And, oh, there’s Howard. Hello?

HOWARD: I don’t think i can be in the band anymore.

WILL: What?!

HOWARD: I’m doing inventory. It was never my dream.

KEN: What?

WILL: Howard’s out.

KEN: Oh, that-that’s just great. What’s he- Hey. Emma. You didn’t, uh, see me dancing earlier, did you?

EMMA: Oh, is that what that was? Look, have some bad news.

KEN: You’re breaking up with me. What, here? In front of another dude?

EMMA: No, look, please stop talking. Um, no, look, I think the Acafellas pressure has proven to be a little bit too much for Henri.

WILL: Really, why?

EMMA: Well, he just downed six bottles of cough syrup, Which is a lot, even for him. Um, he’s okay. Sandy’s in the emergency room with him now, But Figgins is insisting before he comes back, and can be around kids again, that he goes to rehab. So that’s where he’s going tomorrow morning.

KEN: That’s just great. So acafellas is officially doomed now. You know, uh, when I get stressed, I, I work out. You can probably tell. So I’m gonna, uh, down some power bars, knock off a few reps. Come up with some solutions here.

WILL; It was fun while it lasted.

EMMA: I don’t think you should give up so easy, Will. You know, they said Van Halen was dead after David Lee Roth quit, but my worn-out single of “Right Now” says that they were wrong.

INT. CUT TO WILL’S SPANISH ROOM

(knocking on door

FINN: You got a sec, Mr. Schue?

WILL: Yeah, of course. What’s up?

FINN: I just want to tell you that i’m quitting glee, too.

WILL: I didn’t quit glee.

FINN: Well, you might as well have. It’s nutty in there. I try and talk sense into Rachel, But she’s gone all chick-batty. I gotta be honest with you. It’s hard being the quarterback when i get in the huddle And all the guys are calling me “deep throat.” Glee’s bringing down my rep, man.

WILL: Have the guts to stick with it a little bit longer. You are a gifted performer, Finn. You can’t quit now. If you do, you’re just gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me. I know.

FINN: It’s just not fun anymore.

WILL: Hey, Finn, wait. There’s something I want to talk to you about.

INT. CUT TO: BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM

PUCK: Hey, coach.

KEN: What do you want, Puckerman?

PUCK: I hear there’s a vacancy in your a capella group. I want to offer my services. I play guitar. And actually, I’m a really good singer. There are a lot of moms at your gigs, right?

PUCK (in voiceover): Well, here’s the thing you should know about me: i’m not like everybody else in this crappy cow town. i’ve got star potential, and more specifically, I’m tired of wasting my time with high school girls.

(bell rings)

INT. CUT TO: HALLWAY

PUCK: You’re breaking up with me? why?

SANTANA: Your credit score is terrible. What need as a woman is financial security.

PUCK (in voiceover): See, young girls will shoot you down and make you feel terrible about yourself but a cougar never disappoints.

INT. CUT TO: BACKYARD

PUCK: Thanks, Mrs. H.

MRS. H: Is that a nipple ring?

PUCK: Yeah, I’m kinda rock and roll.

MRS. H: I need your help unclogging my bathtub drain.

PUCK (in voiceover): the proof was in the sexual pudding. My above-ground pool cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music and gave these fine ladies the romance they were missing. I also stopped beating people up so much.

PUCK (voiceover finished): When do we start rehearsals?

KEN: Now you listen to me, you little psychopath. My love life is hanging by a thread and that thread is Acafellas. It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants. So if you screw this up for me, I swear to you I will stick my fist so far down your throat, you will taste my armpit hairs. Do I make myself clear? Good. We rehearse Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00. Don’t be late.

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM

(Will teaching Puck and Finn a dance)

WILL(playing chord rhythmically): Do that. Okay, come on.

(Finn bumps into Puck and Puck shoves him away)

(grunts) (music stand clatters) (sighs)

PUCK: Dude, my bowels have better moves than you.

WILL: Guys, stop. You guys got the steps down. You just need to relax, okay? Um, you guys play baseball, right? What does your coach tell you about hitting?

PUCK: “If you charge the pitcher, bring the bat.”

WILL: Okay, um, but I’m sure he also tells you to relax, right? 'Cause hitting’s all about the hips, right? You gotta loosen them up. Just swing that bat. All right, pretend, acafellas, Madison Square Garden. Here we are. All those beautiful ladies out there. You swing that big ol’ bat. Bam! Hit some home runs, all right, guys? All right. (chuckles) Now let’s try it from the top, okay? Here we go. (playing chord rhythmically) Five, six, seven, eight. Yeah. Aw, yeah. Yeah, get those hips into it. (laughs) That’s it! That’s it! All right! Uh! Yeah! (laughs)

FINN: That baseball thing sure was good, Mr. Schue.

PUCK: Totally. That was awesome.

(bell rings)

INT. CUT TO: MERCEDES’S LOCKER

RACHEL: We need to have a gay-vention. That’s a gay intervention.

TINA: it’s K-K-Kurt. He’s lady fabulous.

RACHEL: It’s obvious you like him. We just don’t want you to get hurt by feelings He can’t reciprocate.

MERCEDES: Look, just because he wears nice clothes, doesn’t mean he’s on the down-low.

RACHEL: He wore a corset to second period today.

TINA: You can do better, Mercedes.

MERCEDES: Really? Well, what if I can’t? There’s not a lot of guys around here Knocking down my door for a date. Or yours, for that matter. Nobody notices us. Hello? We’re in glee club. And I’m tired of being lonely. Aren’t you? But Kurt… Kurt is sweet to me, and he likes who I am, And I like how I feel when I’m with him. And he’s in our group, he understands what I’m going through. Now, maybe that’s not enough for you guys, but it’s enough for me.

INT. CUT TO: CAR WASH IN THE SCHOOL’S PARKING LOT

EMMA: you know what, sue? i got to say, I really misjudged you. Getting the cheerios to help out with the glee club choreographer fund-raiser Is one of the nicest things I’ve ever seen.

SUE: Well, Erma, i’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this glee club successful.

MAN: come on!

EMMA: Ooh! So excited. Oh, I love a car wash, too, though, you know. When I was little, if I got all “A"s, my dad would let me wash his car, so I’d get my little toothbrush out, and I’d clean it all weekend long.

SUE: You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring. I’m shocked you’re not married.

INT. CUT TO: KURT’S CAR

MERCEDES: (sighs) Your rims are clean. We’ve polished them, like, three times already.

KURT: Did you bring a change of clothes? Because we’re going straight to sing-along Sound of Music.

MERCEDES: So, listen, Kurt, this is like the third time we’ve gone out. Can we just make it official?

KURT: Make what official?

MERCEDES: You know, that we’re dating.

KURT: I’m sorry, Mercedes, But I thought I made it very clear. I’m in love with someone else. (Kurt glances at Finn, as Mercedes turns to look, Rachel gets in the way of Finn)

MERCEDES: Rachel?

KURT: Yes. For several years now.

MERCEDES BEGIN SINGING "Bust Your Windows” by Jazmine Sullivan

KURT: You busted my window. How could you do that? You busted my window!

MERCEDES: Well, you busted my heart. Hm!

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM

DAKOTA: Okay, please examine your personalized menus. This is what you’re going to be eating for the next six months.

MERCEDES: Um, mine just says coffee.

DAKOTA: Mm-hmm.

RACHEL: What’s smelt?

DAKOTA: a pungent, low-carb freshwater fish. Okay, let’s start with today’s business. Artie, you’re cut. You’re not trying hard enough.

ARTIE: At what?

DAKOTA: At walking. We can’t be wheeling you around during every number. It throws off the whole dynamic, and it’s depressing.

MERCEDES: So, you’re kicking him out?

DAKOTA: Mm-hmm. Also you. Youse got to go, Effie. No, no, no. Yeah.

KURT: Uou can’t kick people out of glee club because you don’t like the way they look.

DAKOTA: Uh, why don’t you shut your face-gash And stay away from aerosol cans because You could burst into flames at any second? You three– you’re great. You’re perfect. Seriously. Don’t change a thing. Uh, you– ew, nose job.

FINN: Now just hold on a second.

DAKOTA: What? What was that, Frankenteen? Why don’t you, uh, wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you’ve been dragging on the ground?

FINN: What’s wrong with you?

DAKOTA: What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me is that you’re freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland Creature. Um, am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don’t have the confidence to hear it, hmm? Maybe you need somebody who’s going to lie to you and tell you things like, “you got what it takes.” But you know what? As far as I can see, you don’t. So, why don’t you just take a little second, take a breather, And ask yourself, “Do I want to be a winner (laughs) or not?”

FINN: Screw this. I quit.

TINA: Me t-t-t-too. Let’s roll, artie.

DAKOTA: No. Great, great. You know, Separate the wheat from the chaff; that’s perfect.

RACHEL: Wait. Barbra Streisand. When Barbra was a young ingénue, everyone told her in order to be a star, she’d have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused.

DAKOTA: Where’s this going, Yentl?

RACHEL: Where it’s going is that We don’t need you. Let’s face it, we’re never going to be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We’re gonna win because we’re different. And that’s what makes us special.

MERCEDES: They told J. Lo her booty was too big.

ARTIE: Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.

FINN: Jim Abbott.

KURT: I have no idea who that is.

FINN: He was a one-armed pitcher for the yankees. Pitched a no-hitter.

DAKOTA: Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it, too. That’s great. What’s your point?

RACHEL: Our point is that You’re fired. And i’m taller than you.

DAKOTA: Barely.

INT. CUT TO: BACKSTAGE OF THE PTA MEETING

FINN: Wait, we have to wear mascara?

KEN: Sandy says it makes our eyes pop.

FINN: (sighs) Okay.

PUCK: There’s a lot of moms out there, right?

WILL: Guys, don’t worry about it. Just get in the zone, all right? This is going to be fun. Believe me. You’re going to remember this night For the rest of your lives.

FINN: Mr. Schue…

WILL: I know, you’re nervous.

FINN: No, that isn’t what i wanted to tell you. It’s just… thanks. For believing in me.

SANDY: He’s here! He’s here! Josh Groban is here! Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.

WILL: Wait a minute. He actually showed up? I can’t believe it!

SANDY: Gentlemen, forget every experience you have ever had in your drab little lives. This is the most important thing you will ever do. Places!

Acafellas sing “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd (audience applauses)

INT. CUT TO: BACKSTAGE

SANDY (to Figgins): I would like to just go into the recording studio and lay some of those tracks down. And of course i would love to play some bigger venues. Wembley Stadium, Red Rocks… (gasping)

JOSH: Hey, guys, i’m josh groban. This is my bodyguard, Flex. We were in town. I was inducting Run-DMC into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night, So I thought I’d stop by and say hello.So, which one of you is, uh Sandy?

SANDY: Ooh! Mr. Groban, we are so honored that you came here today.

JOSH: I came here to tell you…

SANDY: Yes, sir?

JOSH: Stop emailing me. This is a restraining order. Stop sending me n*** photos. Stop calling me. i don’t know how you got my number! I don’t know how you got my number again after O changed it, but I don’t want any more of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair, and O don’t want to read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.

FLEX: That stuff got crazy, dude.

JOSH: Are we clear? Thank you, gentlemen. And by the way, great show. I mean, like, (imitates explosion) Explosive.

WILL: Thanks. Sorry.

INT. CUT TO: PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE PTA MEETING

TERRI: I’m sorry, Will. I… I could have been more supportive. You guys were actually pretty good. And you were good. You were really good.

WILL: Yeah?

TERRI: Yeah. (They begin kissing in the parking lot)

MR. SCHUESTER (walking up): Don’t bother. She’s already pregnant. (giggling) Hey, kids. Have you seen Doodle?

INT. CUT TO: BACKSTAGE

JOSH: Now, you might be thinking, why would a pop star like me wome over here and talk to you? Well, let me tell you something. Throngs of screaming teenagers don’t do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blowsy alcoholic.

MRS. SCHUESTER: (belches) Oh. Oh, wow. You’ll have to forgive me, ma'am. I’m a little bit drunk, And I’m afraid I’m not making good choices right now.

INT. CUT TO: PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE PTA MEETING

TERRI: Maybe she slipped and hit her head again.

MR. SCHUESTER: You guys kicked some serious tail up there tonight. Sorry about the whole josh groban thing.

WILL: Nah, it’s all right. How are the other guys taking it?

MR. SCHUESTER: That Ryerson guy cried himself to sleep in Figgins’ arms, and Ken Tanaka is raiding the nacho bar. What about you? You okay?

WILL: You know, dad… I am. I mean, this was all a dream come true, But… I’m a teacher. And a really good one. That’s enough for me.

MR. SHCUESTER: I know. I saw the way your students look at you. You inspire people. You inspired me.

WILL: What do you mean?

MR. SCHUESTER: I’m going to law school. Night classes for now, until i get all of my prerequisites, but I registered yesterday. You made me realize it’s never too late too grow a pair and go after your dream.

WILL: That’s amazing, dad. That’s so amazing!

INT. CUT TO: KURT’S LOCKER

MERCEDES: Hey, Kurt. I just wanted to say I’m really sorry I did that to your car. I’ll pay for it to get fixed.

KURT: It’s okay. My dad took my baby away after he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.

MERCEDES: And I just wanted to say I hope it works out between you and Rachel. You’ll have really cute, loud babies.

KURT: Mercedes, I lied to you. I don’t like Rachel. I’m gay.

MERCEDES: Why didn’t you just tell me?

KURT: Because I’ve never told anyone before.

MERCEDES: You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are, Kurt. You should just tell people, Especially the kids in glee. The whole point of the club is about expressing what’s really inside you, remember?

KURT: I can’t. I’m just not that confident, i guess.

INT. CUT TO SUE’S OFFICE

SUE: Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley; Mr. Schuester is back; and they’re busy at work on a new number, more confident than ever.

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM

WILL: And down clap, and up, clap, clap. Down, clap, and up, clap, clap.

INT. CUT TO: SUE’S OFFICE

SUE: This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure. And it’s stinking up my office. I’m revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.

SANTANA(sobbing): oh, no! (sobbing)

QUINN: Ms. Sylvester, I want to thank you.

SUE: For what?

QUINN: For teaching me a valuable life lesson. When you really believe in yourself, you don’t have to bring other people down.

INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM

WILL: Uh, uh, step, ball change and head. Step, ball change and head. Low and up. Low and high! Oh, what do you guys think?

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester?

WEILL: Yes, rachel?

RACHEL:It was really good.

WILL: Thank you. Thank you. Okay. From the top!