Goodbye to the port and brandy, to the vodka and the Stag
To the Smithwicks and the Harp and the bottle, draught and keg
As I sat lookin' up at the Guinness and I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout

I dreamt a dream the other night, jaysus I couldn't sleep a wink
The rats were tryin' to count the sheep and I was tryin' to get off the drink
There was footsteps in the parlour and voices on the stairs
And I was climbin' up the walls and I was movin' round the chairs
I looked out from under the blanket, and up at the fireplace
There was the Pope and John F. Kennedy and Jack Charlton and the three of them were starin' in me face
And suddenly it dawned at me, hey by God I think I'm getting the D.T.s
When the Child o' Prague began to dance around the mantlepiece

I went, goodbye to the port and brandy, to the vodka and the Stag
To the Smithwicks and the Harp and the bottle, draught and keg
As I sat lookin' up at the Guinness and I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout

Well I swore upon the bible that I'd never again touch a drop
I tell ya my heart was palpitatin', I was sure it was going to stop
And thinkin' I was dyin' I gave my soul to God to keep
And ten pounds to St. Anthony to help me find some sleep
I fell into an awful nightmare, and got a dreadful shock
When I dreamt there was no duty-free in the airport down in Knock
II dreamt an Paisley was sayin' the rosary and Mother Theresa was taking the pill
And Frank Patterson was out of his head be God and he was singin' Spancil Hill

Goodbye to the port and brandy, to the vodka and the Stag
To the Smithwicks and the Harp and the bottle, draught and keg
As I sat lookin' up at the Guinness and I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout

I dreamt I was in ecstacy in Heaven and agony in Hell, I was bored in limbo
And then I was in purgatory as well
And there was original sins and venial sins
And mortal by the score
So I tied barbed wired around my underpants and I flagilated myself on the floor
Then I dreamt I was in the confessional box and the auld Bishop said to me, he said
"Any impure thoughts my child?" - the fuckin' barbed wire was killing me!
And then I dreamt I was in the jacuzzi with that auld whore in number 10
And then I knew that I'd never ever, ever drink again

I went, goodbye to the port and brandy, to the vodka and the Stag
To the Smithwicks and the Harp and the bottle, draught and keg
As I sat lookin' up at the Guinness and I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard after 14 pints of stout