When I came home the other day
My mum couldn't look me in the eye
When I checked under my bed
I found the reason why
My pile of 'rhythm' magazines was nowhere to be seen
I found them in the wheelie bin with an empty can of 'Mr Sheen'

My mum found my wank mags now she thinks I'm vile
My mum found my wank mags I had a massive pile
My eyesight is failing, I've got hairs on my hands
All because I can't stop playing with my glands

My mum was so very upset
It must have broke her heart
To know her little soldier looked at pictures of women with their legs apart
My first issue of 'Razzle' was ripped up into shreds (up into shreds)
And underneath a can of beans was the bird from Baywatch giving head

My mum found my wank mags now she thinks I'm vile
My mum found my wank mags I had a massive pile
My eyesight is failing, I've got hairs on my hands
All because I can't stop playing with my glands

My mum found my wank mags now she thinks I'm vile
My mum found my wank mags I had a massive pile
My eyesight is failing, I've got hairs on my hands
All because I can't stop playing with my glands