I've been suffering from erection problems but that soon was healed
When I was playing Sunday league over Blackshots field
I saw her on the football pitch, she was all in black
Her slight was slightly baggy but her shorts were up her crack
I had more shots than Frank Lampard in an attempt to turn her head
But like when he's in an England shirt, they all landed in row Z
I hoped that my firm tackle and my ball control
Would make me look a good acquisition and I'd get to achieve my goal

Female referee, female referee
Make your decision final
Please go out with me
I've been suffering from erection problems
But I think you hold the key
I got a yellow card when my cock went hard
Over the female referee

As I ate my half-time oranges and rolled down my socks
I thought that I might turn her on if I dribbled round the box
My team was losing eleven-nil but then I got a chance
I scored a toe-poke from three yards and did a Roger Miller dance
My ethnic moves must have caught her eye because at full-time
She asked me if I'd take her out for a lager and lime
We were getting on really well, it was all going alright
Until I ran over a disabled kid when I jumped a yellow light
Female referee, female referee
It was just an error in judgement
Don't finish with me
If you blow my whistle one more time
I promise not to pee
But I got a red card when I hit a retard
In my old man's Ford Capri
But I got a red card when I hit a retard
In my old man's Ford Capri