[Verse 1]
Now, my old Grandad had a word
He used when things went wrong
To introduce this word to you
I put it in a song
So every time this word gets used
His memory lives on
I'm about to tell you what it is
So you can sing along

[Chorus]
"Fucksticks!"
When Nan wouldn't let him touch her furry pie
"Fucksticks!"
When he got some shrapnel lodged in his Jap's eye
"Fucksticks!"
When a German sniper shot him in the cock
"Fucksticks!"
When he found a lump on his left bollock
"Fucksticks!"
When me Nan died and she left him all alone
"Fucksticks!"
When he let a bogus caller in his home
"Fucksticks!"
When the first black people moved into his street
"Fucksticks!"
When arthritis meant he couldn't beat his meat
Fucksticks!
Mother's cunt
Fucksticks!

[Verse 2]
So, every time I hear the word
I start to reminisce
I suddenly taste Werther's
And get a faint whiff of piss
So, when someone annoys me
Or things get on my pip
I think of the moany, racist old cunt
And really let it rip...

[Chorus]
"Fucksticks!"
When I miss an open goal in 5-a-side
"Fucksticks!"
When I lost my hardons, after Nan had died
"Fucksticks!"
When the teacher's told me that I was no good
"Fucksticks!"
When the old bill caught me wanking in the wood
"Fucksticks!"
When that girl you like turns out to be a nutter
"Fucksticks!"
When your punk hero advertises butter
"Fucksticks!"
When Michael Eavis didn't want to hire us
"Fucksticks!"
When a gloryhole gives you coronavirus
[Bridge]
Fucksticks!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!

Fucksticks!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!

Fucksticks!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!

Fucksticks!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!
Fucksticks!

[Chorus]
"Fucksticks!"
When Persimmon Homes destroyed my garden fence
"Fucksticks!"
And failed to offer any recompense
"Fucksticks!"
When Great Britain is in lockdown or worse
"Fucksticks!"
When your mother shares a post from Britain First
"Fucksticks!"
When you think the country's heading somewhere sinister
"Fucksticks!"
When somehow Boris Johnson is Prime Minister
"Fucksticks!"
When you feel awkward and you don't know what to say
If you say "Fucksticks! Fucksticks! Fucksticks!"
It makes everything OK
[Outro]
Fucksticks!
Mother's cunt!
Mother's cunt!
Fucksticks!