[Verse 1]
I met this girl on Myspace
She was 16 and a half
She said that I was well buff
And that I made her laugh
So I sent her a picture
Of me wanking in the bath...

I think I misjudged the situation
She didn't want to see my soapy masturbation
Please don't grass me up to Tom!

[Chorus – sung]
There's a lot of perverts on the internet
Trying to chat up girls and get their ding-dongs wet
I am one but don't tell my Mum
'Cos if she finds out then I'm gonna get done

[Chorus – spoken]
There's a lot of perverts on the internet
Trying to chat up girls and get thеir ding-dongs wet
He is one but don't tеll his Mum
'Cos if she finds out then he's gonna get done

P – E – R – V – E –R – T
P – E – R – V – E –R – T
P – E – R – V – E –R – T
HDTV, that's alright with me
[Verse 2]
Then there was this lady
I met on Yahoo! chat
We were getting on like a house on fire
Then everything went flat
When I asked to see a picture
Of her fingering her twat...

I think I misjudged the situation
She grassed me up to the bod in charge of moderation
And now my user account's been blocked!

[Chorus - sung]
There's a lot of perverts on the internet
Trying to chat up girls and get their ding-dongs wet
I am one but don't tell my Mum
'Cos if she finds out then I'm gonna get done

[Chorus - spoken]
There's a lot of perverts on the internet
Trying to chat up girls and get their ding-dongs wet
He is one but don't tell his Mum
'Cos if she finds out then he's gonna get done

P – E – R – V – E –R – T
P – E – R – V – E –R – T
P – E – R – V – E –R – T
HDTV, that's alright with me
[Verse 3]
I found this girl on Facebook
With whom I used to go to school
I left a little message for her
Up there on her wall
Of how I often think of her
Whilst playing with my tool...

I think I misjudged the situation
She told her husband about my declaration
And now he wants to kick me in the plums!

[Chorus – sung]
There's a lot of perverts on the internet
Trying to chat up girls and get their ding-dongs wet
I am one but don't tell my Mum
'Cos if she finds out then I'm gonna get done

[Chorus – spoken]
There's a lot of perverts on the internet
Trying to chat up girls and get their front-bums wet
He is one but don't tell his Mum
'Cos if she finds out then he's gonna get done

P – E – R – V – E –R – T
P – E – R – V – E –R – T
P – E – R – V – E –R – T
HDTV, that's alright with me
[Outro – spoken]
You alright there? It's Kunt here... Now, these opportunities don't come along very many times in our lifetime. So please, download as many versions of the song as you can – on as many platforms as you can – and keep it streaming 24/7, until midnight on New Year's Eve. All the links are at 'BorisJohnson.info'... I promise you I'll make it worth your while in the new year. All the best, and see you on the other side